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Strange & Embarrassing Moments Mk. II
Posts
[spoiler:fd99ba395c]D:[/spoiler:fd99ba395c]
that is really really nasty.
Aw cmon man, it's just a little congealed blood and pieces of the uterine lining.
The guy should have just laid a tarp down on the bed before doing their thing.
Secret Satan
In a shower.
It was good.
I'd do it again.
They were tender but exciting
Secret Satan
Oh, theres ways and means depending on what the girl likes
True that
NSFW
Never call me during your period ever again. Ever.
Its eaaaaaaasy, fool!
Tell me how, in great detail.
Secret Satan
I was so terrified to open that, yet I did anyways. Thank god it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be
Thread forecast: NSFW, with a chance of graphic sexual descriptions, possibly resulting in loss of avatars, sigs, and reduced posting options.
Learn something new everyday.
It's just a little bloody, its still good, its still good.
To leave that much blood that people think you murdered someone, you'd think the girl would be bordering on near death due to lack of blood. The whole idea sucks. One more reason to be thankful for being a dude.
Alright, they do this occasionally, maybe I bobbed to the side or something.
The urinal fills, but I notice a lack of drainage going on. In a state of increasing worry, I redouble my pissing effort before it overflows onto my poor feet.
The urinal stops filling and I stop urinating and the liquid level is much too high and not diminishing.
The bad part is I'm still standing in front of the sensor.
Now, this washroom has about 8 urinals and 6 toilets, and gets quite populated between the 10 minute break between classes.
So, as I'm zipping up, the flushing begins, I scream "Oh shit!" and run out of the washroom accompanied only by the sound of water and my urine hitting tile.
I now refuse to use those auto-flush urinals. I'm not too thrilled with the auto-flush toilets either (mid-shit flushes creep me out, and the spray back isn't welcome).
I was walking between classes after having sat behind this really cute girl for the past 50 minutes when I notice two dudes looking at me and snickering.
I promptly unzipped my backpack, took out a binder, and walked with it in front of my crotch untill I got to wherever it was I was going.
Secret Satan
so i'm drinking with some friends on saturday night and we're trying to convince one of my friends to kill off the rum. he is reluctant and isn't really being swayed by anyone's input, so people are starting to give up and kind of just call him a pussy or whatever.
so i say, "c'mon, man: do it for the owl!" and i start chanting, "hoot hoot hoot..."
everyone joins in on the chant and as we start hooting faster and faster, he decides what the hell and kills it off.
yeah. we were all kind of shocked that it worked, especially since there was no owl.
edit: this is also the first weekend in a while that i remember entirely. i plan on keeping it that way.
Though its kinda easy to see how you give in with those kind of friends
But I can't just use you guys the way aquabat uses Hacksaw, so...
(Bear with me, these are all the ones I remembered while reading 90+ pages.)
Incident #1
At a birthday party as a young lad, we decided to play a manhunt-style tag game out at the local park. It had come down to just the birthday boy un-tagged, and everyone was chasing him down. As he was being herded towards me, I decided to do something drastic: set up a roadblock.
See, it had been very windy recently, so I grabbed a monstrous downed branch. And really, it was more than just a branch, it was a branch with sub-branches, who all had their own sub-branches, etc. If it was in front of you, you weren't going to be able to go through it simply by hopping.
As he approached, I timed my throw carefully, aimed, and let go. However, at this young age I hadn't yet learned about the concept of "leading" your target. Worse than missing, I had thrown it in front of him (expecting it to land in front of him) and instead hit him square on.
I very nearly impaled the birthday boy.
Incident #2
I was dating this girl -- Jessica, let's say. Jessica had been fighting with her parents over religion, and ended up moving out. She moved in with a couple with whom she was friends. Bonus points: She babysat their two children for a portion of the rent. Everyone was happy.
As teenagers (17-18, FYI), we had a healthy interest in sex, and practised often, hoping one day to try out for the Olympic team. One morning, we were going at it pretty heavily, and both children came rampaging downstairs at uh, "the critical moment". We were positioned in "The Cowgirl" (a favourite with the judges), so here's Jessica on top of me with sheets pulled akwardly all around, me in what looks like obvious pain to 5- and 8-year-old minds, and both said minds imploring their respective bodies to try to get Jessica off me to "stop hurting him!"
Incident #3
Later on in my relationship with Jessica, we decided to try the whole "open relationship/polyamoury" thing. This is a great idea in theory, except when in practice you find that you're a) not cool with that and b) too stubborn to admit it. That whole escapade was really embarrassing, leading up to her leaving me for some other guy who was busy NOT screaming at her for messing around, but really is only background story. (Further background story, for those who care: She's still with that guy, I'm now great friends with both of them, and I ended up moving in with them for a while along with a bunch of other folks. All's cool now.)
But during this whole akward period, she had begun chatting up an old friend of hers she'd had a crush on. Eventually one thing led to another, and during a visit in town, they ended up living a fantasy from highschool over a bottle of wine.
I only found out the next night when -- during foreplay -- I found the used condom. INSIDE.
Incident #4
I remember someone had an awesome Comm Tech story, and I do too. Ours was less about computers and more about welding shit together, and our group had decided to make... a railgun. Even worse, we got our teacher's full approval for it.
The embarrassing part is that the parts we scrounged up were shit. Our tube used for firing the nail from was ferrous, the wires used for creating the magnetic field were heavily insulated, and the only timer we could find operated on 1-second increments. We could only ever get one coil working properly, because if we tried to do two, the second one would activate just in time to stop the nail.
In fact, the giant chain of parallel-linked capacitors we'd hooked up (about thirty of them, each slightly larger than a pop can) was far more dangerous than the railgun we'd made. Falling on any of those capacitors (since they were linked in parallel) was enough to char you instantly, while our railgun only occasionally was able to pierce a sheet of paper placed right on the end of the barrel.
(Actually, I have no clue how one kid in our group managed to stay alive through the semester. He was ALWAYS fucking around and discharging these things with all-metal wrenches and pushing and shoving near them. We should all be very, very dead right now.)
Incident #5
This is the crown jewel.
Imagine that you're six years old, and you've just been taught how to take a fish off a hook. You've practised on-shore a couple times, and you're as confident as a six-year-old can be about something.
Your father takes you fishing, and you catch a fish! Eager to display the prowess of your skills, you de-hook the fish and proudly hold it up for your father to see. Of course, he's looking the other way and must turn around to see what it is you're busy screaming your damn fool head off about.
This shifts the boat. You drop the fish. It catches on your swimsuit. Right on the crotch.
This is me in '86. I've just had a fish catch me on the crotch of my swimsuit, and he's flopping around angrily, trying to spear my little fisherman with the very same hook I caught him on.
I stand up, panicking, and trying to keep the fish from getting any slack to use to impale me. (Years later, I'm actually surprised I thought of that.) My father takes a quick look at the situation, and...
(here's the kicker)
..gets out his video camera. Rather than help me, he turns into Johnny Fucking Carson and starts interviewing me like I'm a celebrity looking to pitch my latest movie "Kid With A Fish Hooked To His Dick."
"So, Imperfect, what's uh, what's going on here?"
"I'VE GOT A FISH! HE'S CAUGHT ON MY CROTCH! DAD HELP ME!"
"Caught on your crotch eh? How'd that happen?"
"I WAS FISHING. HELP ME DAD, HE'S FLOPPING AROUND."
"I imagine he would be. So what are you planning to do about it?"
"DAD HELP ME!"
"I think your Mom and your Nana would like to know how you feel right now."
"DAD HE'S TRYING TO HURT ME. HELP ME!"
...
He's a good father, I swear it. It's not like he beats me or anything. He just knows Comedy Fucking Gold when he sees it.
And you know what? I'd have done the exact same thing.
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Secret Satan
A little bit.
I was on the bus, and my stop was coming up. Some younger kids were asking my bus driver, Patty, if a book could have multiple climaxes. Patty isn't the brightest bsu driver in the world, and I often make jokes about this with one of my friends.
"Why would you ask Patty something like that?" asked my friend as we left the bus.
Doing my best stupid person impression, I gave a "Patty" response. "I thought climaxes were just in sex!" I said this quite softly.
As I started walking to my house, the horn beeped. I turned around, and Patty gave me her best "fuck you" look. I hope she forgets by tomorrow.
Treating a girl's vagina like a trash disposal aint high on my list
Now imagine your trying to get your groove on with said trash disposal.
Secret Satan
Emphasis mine.
Anyway, the worst part of that event is that he didn't know that we were in an open relationship at the time. He just seduced her irregardless of our relationship (and she was too drunk and used to it to think about this at the time).
I still owe him a beatdown or at least a severe talking to for it.
[spoiler:faad7cd2be]When my Dad gets back from his business trip, he's checking for the tape.[/spoiler:faad7cd2be]
I never said I loved you baby, I thought that was clear from the start
=(