girlfriends friend help

xxhennersxx

update: we were in the car and I decided to start talking and just suck up this whole thing and deal since I really like Krysten. When I got home krysten called me and said when I left her friends couldn't stop talking about how I actually talked this time and thought I was funny and what not...then last night at a graduation party we all hung out and played Wii Sports and one of their boyfriends was like "...man you're talking now. o_O we broke you out of your shell!" etc. All is good.

I don't post much personal stuff on the forum, so I'll give a little background information on me. I'm a 19 year old male, and if you were to categorize me I'd pretty much be a Geeky Goth kid, who is pretty shy and quiet and not very outgoing and I'm not a party person... And I work with this preppy 3.0 student, running start, got her AA while in high school and is now going to Washington State University...

And for a few months we were dating, and now we've been an official couple. I like her alot and vice versa. Which is great...

the problem, is that...I don't mesh well with her friends. Even though her and I are really different we get along great. And her friends are very similar to her, very preppy party goers and stuff...

We've gone out to dinner as a group a few times and I don't find opportunity for conversation. They'll talk and really I can't add anything to it unless they specifically ask. :-\ It's kind of weird. I have never really had this problem. But the way they act is so alien to me, it's strange. Example, they decided to ask what I wanted to be when I was older...jokingly I said I wanted to be a ninja...and now it's become a running joke with them. I'm not sure if they're laughing because it's silly or if they're laughing at me.

Today we went out, her, her 2 best friends, and her best friends boyfriends. It was a bit of an awkward dinner, they talked about graduating next week and stuff and I finished that last year ( I didn't even go to the same high school) so it was weird. But even when they talked to me it was kinda...weird. Almost like they don't like me but are tolerating me because I'm their best friends boyfriend.

After dinner we went to a party and I felt like I was just killing the mood almost because it's not...my scene(?) i guess? I don't drink, I hate it, and so it was weird. And I just...I dunno.

Is there any way I can really fix this? I mean, honestly, I'm basically your typical computer and video game nerd. I build computers, service them on the side, and have a video game collection in the triple digits...

we don't even dress similar, so being in public with them as a group kind of is strange. I have my hair spiked and my bangs flat ironed and down almost over my eyes...they're...very very...preppy. I wear alot of black, and 98% of my tshirts have video game or computer references on them. Most of them are obscure and you would just think it's some tshirt if you don't get the reference yourself.

I really like her, and she likes me. But it's just kind of weird and different for me because like, almost every one i've dated within the last 3 or 4 years has had similar interests to me and i got along with her friends perfectally. I don't know what to do.

Do I change? Do I wing it and just accept they may not actually like me?

Klyka

Just stay who you are and look what happens.

If it doesn't work it, it wasn't meant to be.

Sentry

It sounds like you have a self-esteem issue... at least as it relates to the group of people your girlfriend is a part of. You need to get over that, otherwise you won't feel like you're able to contribute to conversation (even when you can), and every time they laugh at something you'll think they are laughing at you (even when they aren't.)

Perhaps you working harder to find the commonalities and not focusing so much on the differences could help. I'm sure if you dug deep enough, you'd find something you have in common. However, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone in order to do that digging.

xxhennersxx

Sentry wrote: »

It sounds like you have a self-esteem issue... at least as it relates to the group of people your girlfriend is a part of. You need to get over that, otherwise you won't feel like you're able to contribute to conversation (even when you can), and every time they laugh at something you'll think they are laughing at you (even when they aren't.)

Perhaps you working harder to find the commonalities and not focusing so much on the differences could help. I'm sure if you dug deep enough, you'd find something you have in common. However, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone in order to do that digging.

I don't always think they're laughing at me, quite the sopposite actually. It's just they make alot of Ninja jokes aftre I jokingly said I want to be a Ninja. I'm not sure if they're just joking around, or if they're poking fun at me. And that is the only part.

Aldo

It sounds like her friends don't know how to react to you as well. I assume they'd normally ignore people who dress up like you, maybe even make fun of. Now that one of their friends basically tells them that you are awesome, they just don't know what to do.

It probably doesn't help that you're a year older (?), not in high school, dress in black and are interested in things they probably never heard of.

My advice to you is to be yourself and try to be kind to them; maybe they'll see that you're not some creepy goth-kid or annoying nerd. I assume the club you went to plays hip-hop/lousy house music, I can't really dance to most of that shit (doesn't help that I'm ~6ft tall) and I usually fight through by getting drunk enough to just bounce to the beat and stop caring about how I look and how fucking annoying everyone around me actually is.

I've never tried doing this whilst sober. :? Good luck, I suppose?

rockmonkey

What do they talk about? I mean I'm a pretty nerdy guy, and I can relate to just about anyone for some reason. Talk about movies, most everyone watches movies, it doesn't have to be about some obscure indy movie you like, you don't have to show off or be superior to them. or bitch about work/school. Regardless of what you do or where you went the gripes are basically the same. Complaining about something seems to be a pretty common ground to meet people halfway on. Also talk about food, everyone eats.

Do you consider yourself a boring person or do all of your interests just fall into some small little niche that you can't even bring up without getting weird looks?

Don't change who you are, but that doesn't mean you can't broaden your horizons and talk about other things. I have certain friends who are into this or that and I talk to them about it, but other friends I stick to a less geeky conversation because of what they're into. It doesn't mean I'm not being true to who I am, it's just that I relate to different groups of friends for different reasons.

xxhennersxx

Like, they all play video games. The first thing when one of them met me said was she wants to play me in Mario Kart. Because my GF told them I love video games. Like, when I'm actually able to put something in the conversation they respond and jokes are made and people laugh and such but it just seems like there is barley the opportunity to do that. Like last night they kept talking about their last assembly etc...

Their boyfriends started talking to each other about video games, but it was Madden...and I haven't played Madden since 93 on the Genesis. They asked about my favorite games and I would love to give some answer but when you have literally hundreds of games you don't exactally make favorites. It seems like they don't mind me and such but so far I've just been really quiet and usually i'm not a very quiet person. The problem is I don't exactally know how to go about making more conversation. My friends have always been friends for a very long time. And all my other friends I've made, even those that aren't geeky and into video games, have always had the friend ship start on a conversation pertaining to something I know a ton about.

cooljammer00

um, she seems to like you for you, so what does it matter if her friends don't exactly think all that much of you? they're her friends, and as long as you give them no real, good reason to badmouth you, then they should never have the ability to badmouth you to her.

Aldo

xxhennersxx wrote: »

Like, they all play video games. The first thing when one of them met me said was she wants to play me in Mario Kart. Because my GF told them I love video games. Like, when I'm actually able to put something in the conversation they respond and jokes are made and people laugh and such but it just seems like there is barley the opportunity to do that. Like last night they kept talking about their last assembly etc...

Their boyfriends started talking to each other about video games, but it was Madden...and I haven't played Madden since 93 on the Genesis. They asked about my favorite games and I would love to give some answer but when you have literally hundreds of games you don't exactally make favorites. It seems like they don't mind me and such but so far I've just been really quiet and usually i'm not a very quiet person. The problem is I don't exactally know how to go about making more conversation. My friends have always been friends for a very long time. And all my other friends I've made, even those that aren't geeky and into video games, have always had the friend ship start on a conversation pertaining to something I know a ton about.

You could've picked one mainstream game you recently enjoyed. . . Drawing from personal experience here; I listen to a lot of music and I'm always looking for new and interesting artists. When people ask about my favourite band, I usually rephrase the question a bit and say something like "Lately I've been listening to Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra a lot and I really like them. Ever heard of 'em?" I choose a band I can say something about, tell a fun story or something, it really depends on the situation. One of the merits of really being into something is that you have a lot of stories to tell to people who show some honest interest in it.

Also: I have to ask, is this the girl you met through MySpace? I remember an H/A thread you made and you asked whether you should bring a knife with you or not.

xxhennersxx

Aldo wrote: »

xxhennersxx wrote: »

Like, they all play video games. The first thing when one of them met me said was she wants to play me in Mario Kart. Because my GF told them I love video games. Like, when I'm actually able to put something in the conversation they respond and jokes are made and people laugh and such but it just seems like there is barley the opportunity to do that. Like last night they kept talking about their last assembly etc...

Their boyfriends started talking to each other about video games, but it was Madden...and I haven't played Madden since 93 on the Genesis. They asked about my favorite games and I would love to give some answer but when you have literally hundreds of games you don't exactally make favorites. It seems like they don't mind me and such but so far I've just been really quiet and usually i'm not a very quiet person. The problem is I don't exactally know how to go about making more conversation. My friends have always been friends for a very long time. And all my other friends I've made, even those that aren't geeky and into video games, have always had the friend ship start on a conversation pertaining to something I know a ton about.

You could've picked one mainstream game you recently enjoyed. . . Drawing from personal experience here; I listen to a lot of music and I'm always looking for new and interesting artists. When people ask about my favourite band, I usually rephrase the question a bit and say something like "Lately I've been listening to Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra a lot and I really like them. Ever heard of 'em?" I choose a band I can say something about, tell a fun story or something, it really depends on the situation. One of the merits of really being into something is that you have a lot of stories to tell to people who show some honest interest in it.

Also: I have to ask, is this the girl you met through MySpace? I remember an H/A thread you made and you asked whether you should bring a knife with you or not.

rofl...

no its not myspace girl. but myspace girl and i are still friends. we dated awhile, i was actually dating myspace girl and this girl at the same time. But myspace girl and i were in a (very short) relationship because she has problems being in relationships. Since i want an actual relationship, and this girl obviously wanted to be more than just dating (as did I) we started going out. Myspace girl's friends I got along with a little easier, they were goth and kinda goofy (similar to me basically) and this is really the first time I've ever had alot of problems relating to someone. I'm usually actually really good at that sort of thing.

Veevee

I haven't seen it asked yet, but have you talked to your girlfriend about her friends yet? I say this because your girlfriend should know the best way to relate with her friends as she actually knows them. And if she actually likes you she should be able to tell you if they actually like you or if their pretending for her benefit.

Sonos

i personally think something is wrong if I get along with a gf's friends. I enjoy not liking them. I bet ytou 100% that they speak of you poorly when you arent there and she is from your desription. if she still likes you then I make the assumption that she REALLY likes you. hold on to that as long as it works sounds like a cool chick who has her friends, but couldnt care less about what they think she should do with her life.

the ninja comment WORKS.

Trowizilla

Honestly, it sounds like her friends are trying to draw you out and are being friendly. They're bringing up topics they know you're interested in, they tease you in what sounds like a fairly nice way about the ninja thing...so far, it looks like them liking you is not the problem. Maybe you're a little intimidated because they're from an "opposing" clique, dress differently than you, etc? Don't let it bother you; by senior year at my high school, most people had largely gotten over the goth/prep/nerd/jock classifications and hung out with people they liked.

When they ask about your favorite videogame, you don't have to say your absolute favorite that you spent weeks contemplating and drawing up charts to decide; just bring up something you recently played that you liked. If they're fairly trustworthy, offer to let them borrow games, or host a pizza-and-group-game get-together (something like Mario Party or an easy-to-pick-up fighting game would be good). Yes, they're going to bring up topics that exclude you, but the more you spend time with them, the more shared experiences you'll all have and the more you'll have to talk about.

xxhennersxx

Trowizilla wrote: »

Honestly, it sounds like her friends are trying to draw you out and are being friendly. They're bringing up topics they know you're interested in, they tease you in what sounds like a fairly nice way about the ninja thing...so far, it looks like them liking you is not the problem. Maybe you're a little intimidated because they're from an "opposing" clique, dress differently than you, etc? Don't let it bother you; by senior year at my high school, most people had largely gotten over the goth/prep/nerd/jock classifications and hung out with people they liked.

When they ask about your favorite videogame, you don't have to say your absolute favorite that you spent weeks contemplating and drawing up charts to decide; just bring up something you recently played that you liked. If they're fairly trustworthy, offer to let them borrow games, or host a pizza-and-group-game get-together (something like Mario Party or an easy-to-pick-up fighting game would be good). Yes, they're going to bring up topics that exclude you, but the more you spend time with them, the more shared experiences you'll all have and the more you'll have to talk about.

What you say makes sense...I've talked to Krysten about guitar hero. she's really interested in it and wants to play...I told her to have a guitar hero party and she wants to.

LondonBridge

Believe it or not this is almost what its like when you get married because your girl's friends are gonna act like your in-laws, trust me.

Best advice I can give is be cool and don't say anything stupid that'll piss off your girl.

EggyToast

Yeah don't worry about it. If it really bothers you, bring it up to your girlfriend. Tell her that you like doing things with her friends but you wonder how well you fit in.

Don't sweat the highschool stuff. That's constant. It was one of the reasons I lost complete interest in girls that were younger than me when I left high school -- I don't really give a flying fish what so 'n so said during math class to mr. teacher guy, as I've never met either. It's just a gossipy thing that happens with people who really get caught up in high school, and as soon as they leave high school, it quickly drops off. It's one of the reasons why people say that college is so much more interesting and that you meet more interesting people -- everyone comes from different backgrounds and you're all in different classes so you talk about more than what happened 10 minutes ago

As for the awkwardness, that can be tough. Your mind is likely geared to make jokes and comments that are based on what you experience, such as video games, PA forums, internet memes, etc. But many people use the internet solely for social networking and email, and tons of people only play video games at get togethers or hanging out with friends. It's kind of a self-filtering thing, and you need to realize when making a joke or reference will actually hit and succeed, and when it will mark you as simply saying something odd. And I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons the ninja comment is sticking around is in part because you wear all black

But you don't have to be "on" all the time. If people are talking about something you have no frame of reference for, you don't have to jump in and be a part of the conversation. You can ask questions and get more info, like "who's that guy," but don't think you always have to say something interesting or add to the conversation. Sometimes people talk about things that really don't mean anything to you; it's common when you're a party to friends who know each other separately from you.

Mr_Rose

If you're always stumped for immediate answers to questions, have something to drink on hand and learn to time sips so that you always have to swallow before answering; this gives you that extra half-second to think about things and also makes them feel like heels for interrupting your drink. That last part may be wishful thinking though.

Anyway, the girl obviously likes you, so what does she like about you? If you can remember to emphasise those parts of your personality around her friends then you should all get on a bit better. As long as what she likes isn't everything that makes you different from her friends, in which case I'd try introducing her to your friends.

xxhennersxx

EggyToast wrote: »

Yeah don't worry about it. If it really bothers you, bring it up to your girlfriend. Tell her that you like doing things with her friends but you wonder how well you fit in.

Don't sweat the highschool stuff. That's constant. It was one of the reasons I lost complete interest in girls that were younger than me when I left high school -- I don't really give a flying fish what so 'n so said during math class to mr. teacher guy, as I've never met either. It's just a gossipy thing that happens with people who really get caught up in high school, and as soon as they leave high school, it quickly drops off. It's one of the reasons why people say that college is so much more interesting and that you meet more interesting people -- everyone comes from different backgrounds and you're all in different classes so you talk about more than what happened 10 minutes ago

As for the awkwardness, that can be tough. Your mind is likely geared to make jokes and comments that are based on what you experience, such as video games, PA forums, internet memes, etc. But many people use the internet solely for social networking and email, and tons of people only play video games at get togethers or hanging out with friends. It's kind of a self-filtering thing, and you need to realize when making a joke or reference will actually hit and succeed, and when it will mark you as simply saying something odd. And I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons the ninja comment is sticking around is in part because you wear all black

But you don't have to be "on" all the time. If people are talking about something you have no frame of reference for, you don't have to jump in and be a part of the conversation. You can ask questions and get more info, like "who's that guy," but don't think you always have to say something interesting or add to the conversation. Sometimes people talk about things that really don't mean anything to you; it's common when you're a party to friends who know each other separately from you.

Well the high school stuff, isn't exactally High School stuff. None of it is gossip. Prom, Graduation and whatnot. They're all running start students, took college classes while in high school and are getting their AA's and HS diploma's at the same time. I don't really know her friends that well, my GF will understand if I say "LAWLZ YOU HAS A FLAVOR?! NOM NOM NOM!" and laugh because its a meme from lolbots.com, her friends... I'm not quite sure.

EggyToast

xxhennersxx wrote: »

Well the high school stuff, isn't exactally High School stuff. None of it is gossip. Prom, Graduation and whatnot. They're all running start students, took college classes while in high school and are getting their AA's and HS diploma's at the same time. I don't really know her friends that well, my GF will understand if I say "LAWLZ YOU HAS A FLAVOR?! NOM NOM NOM!" and laugh because its a meme from lolbots.com, her friends... I'm not quite sure.

Well, everyone's definition of "high school stuff" is different, but basically it's the general conversation that inevitably happens when you get a group of people together who all experience the same thing. It's similar to "work talk," in that if you put 3 employees who know each other together, and a 4 person who doesn't know them, the 4th person isn't going to know what they're really talking about (and they will inevitably talk about work). But high school is different because you've gotta be there, and there's much less competition.

As you said, they're all running start, college in high school people, and they inevitably talk about that when they're together. You don't have that experience, but that's not a bad thing -- it's really just, you know, how it is. It makes you different from them but not in a bad way, just that you can't share those experiences.

And whenever I bring up internet memes around people who don't know about them (and get the requisite odd look), I just tell them "man you need to get on the internet more, you're missing out." Just like how you pointed out -- your girlfriend thinks it's funny because she knows what it's about, and if you don't know what these other friends are into then it's not a sure joke anymore. But it's no different from quoting movies that they haven't seen, as well. If you and your girlfriend are, say, Big Lebowski fans, and her friends have never seen it, quoting The Dude's lines aren't going to mean anything to them.

But, for example, when I find out that people haven't seen said movie, I say "oh, you need to watch it." You don't need to withdraw and think you don't fit in. You just have a different set of experiences. Embrace that

Blake T

They don't know you is the main reason that you feel weird around them. You are bassically now in a position where you spend reasonably large amounts of time in a group where everyone knows each other except for you. You don't just glide into these situation it takes time.

Joke around with them and follow on what they are saying, if they bring up being a ninja go into detail about how you were doing your ninja in training course and while practicing stalking someone you fell through their skylight and had to act like a really large plant so they wouldn't notice you or something equally ridiculous.

You could also try doing group things like movies so everyone has a topic to talk about after the movie. (This does involve going somewhere afterwards be it someone's place or a bar or whatever).

LoveIsUnity

I'm not going to focus on everything you said in your OP, but I will address the issue of looking different from everyone else. I don't need to see you in person, but I'm 99% certain that I look much, much stranger than you. I also, however, have friends who are doctors, lawyers, doctors Pharmaceutical Engineering, doctors English, etc... I know that you just got out of high school, but you need to get out of the mindset that people who look different from you are, in fact, that different from you. As previous posters have mentioned, there are more aspects of similarity than difference between people. If you read, watch movies, watch TV, or have future career aspirations then you have things in common with those other people. Your girlfriend's friends seem to be very motivated academics. What are they studying? Are you interested in anything that they are studying? If so, why? If not, why not? Would you, perhaps, want to know anything relating to their fields of study? You will do a lot to endear yourself to them if you take an interest in their professional/academic lives.

xxhennersxx

LoveIsUnity wrote: »

I'm not going to focus on everything you said in your OP, but I will address the issue of looking different from everyone else. I don't need to see you in person, but I'm 99% certain that I look much, much stranger than you. I also, however, have friends who are doctors, lawyers, doctors Pharmaceutical Engineering, doctors English, etc... I know that you just got out of high school, but you need to get out of the mindset that people who look different from you are, in fact, that different from you. As previous posters have mentioned, there are more aspects of similarity than difference between people. If you read, watch movies, watch TV, or have future career aspirations then you have things in common with those other people. Your girlfriend's friends seem to be very motivated academics. What are they studying? Are you interested in anything that they are studying? If so, why? If not, why not? Would you, perhaps, want to know anything relating to their fields of study? You will do a lot to endear yourself to them if you take an interest in their professional/academic lives.

It's not that I think of people because of how they dress. Quite teh sopposite. My inner circle of friends is extremly diverse. last night at a halo party I had i had religiou snut jobs, stoners, standard nerds, and others.....It's that I think they don't like me because of how I look. Or, perhaps because I have different taste in movies and otehr activities than them. I'm not in the mindset of how differnt people are if they dress differently, if that were the case I wouldn't be dating this girl who fits in with the preppy crowd.

Angel177

I wear alot of black, and 98% of my tshirts have video game or computer references on them.

ok little advice from one geeky bloke to another, now i don't want to step on your individuality or anything ok? but one thing that worked well with my girl, since i have a pretty eclectic wardrobe, an this caused a little strife but it was worth it to "tailor" my apperence.
So search ebay, thrift stores etc pick up some black suit jackets and then just buy some plain red, purple, blue etc t shirts and put em together when you go out with her mates,or go the whole hog and pick up the whole suit
I myself have like 7 jackets different colours but they all have something that is me on them, i'm talking chinese silk, brocade, some I screenprinted, other i just changed the buttons, you can still let the darkness out but if you dress in all black, all the time...its not about you fitting in with them and their rules, its about fitting in on your own terms. as for the conversation stuff, ask questions...people love to talk about themselves and you get a bead on her friends TRUE personality.

xxhennersxx

Angel177 wrote: »

I wear alot of black, and 98% of my tshirts have video game or computer references on them.

ok little advice from one geeky bloke to another, now i don't want to step on your individuality or anything ok? but one thing that worked well with my girl, since i have a pretty eclectic wardrobe, an this caused a little strife but it was worth it to "tailor" my apperence.
So search ebay, thrift stores etc pick up some black suit jackets and then just buy some plain red, purple, blue etc t shirts and put em together when you go out with her mates,or go the whole hog and pick up the whole suit
I myself have like 7 jackets different colours but they all have something that is me on them, i'm talking chinese silk, brocade, some I screenprinted, other i just changed the buttons, you can still let the darkness out but if you dress in all black, all the time...its not about you fitting in with them and their rules, its about fitting in on your own terms. as for the conversation stuff, ask questions...people love to talk about themselves and you get a bead on her friends TRUE personality.

not ALL my clothes are black. i wouldn't even say half? I just tend to wear black more...