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"A Gang of Daggers" high school kids, war, action, adventure.
Posts
So the format I adopted was to start the characters in a very familiar environment to the reader, then slowly introduce people to this new world they are exploring.
The long dialogue about magic and the world are to flesh out the backstory and enivornment to the reader (because I just imagine a reader asking what is this and that). And this also gives me a chance for the characters to express themselves, who they are, what kind of personality trait they possess, and what their affinities, and goals, are.
And on top of that, the discussion of magic will be important later as the characters will be using a lot of magic, and even using magic without any obvious signs. So I was hoping that with this learning block of info at the beginning, readers will read stuff later on and take the story one way or another. If you remember that magic is very active, it "colors" interaction in a very interesting way, in my opinion.
I wanted to capture some Shakespeare "using people for power" elements.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
nope! if you're not exact, people won't know what the hell is going on
be exact, because if you're being read by people, then they will read closely
Like Mark Twain says (paraphrasing):
Don't use the next-to-right word instead of the right one: the difference is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
Hence my desire to capture more details and explain things away, because that establishes the "rules" of the world I am creating, as well as setting up the characters, the world around them, what they know and are aware of.
And I did try creating these conversations as a natural thing. But yeah, I should have read them aloud, but I was too busy letting the "stream of conscious-ness" dictate what was going on.
Especially with Simon. I started just letting things go with him on occasion, and had to have Bradley shut him up, keep him on subject.
And then there is the fact that audience wise, I'm thinking that kids 13 and older can read this. (Since we know such kids will read stuff like this.)
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Nah in my opinion you're thinking about it in the wrong way. Yes huge blocks of world building exposition are a staple of fantasy books, and a bad one. But good authors are able to reveal their world through the actions of the characters and through the conversations they have with some narrator exposition where it is needed. The whole first part of your story is just people standing around, or walking around talking. This isn't exactly "in medias res."
Just shifting your huge chunks of expostion to dialogue instead of narration doesn't somehow make it better or different than your standard boring fantasy novel backstory.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Josh walked down the street of a residential neighborhood, an open folder in his hand.
He walked on the sidewalk. Frozen snow, covered in dirty ice, was along the streets and pathways of the city. Everything was in a dark shell, barely illuminated, yet light enough to see clearly as if in regular sunlight.
Josh studied papers in the folder with unique designs and drawings on them. His foot clipped an uneven paving stone and he stumbled, dropping his folder, his glasses nearly falling off his face, and coming down on all fours on the dirty pavement. His papers spread out before him.
“Damnit!” cried Josh. He began scrambling around on the ground, collecting his papers.
“Haha, dumbass,” said a voice.
Two teenage boys stood right at Josh’s feet. They started scooping snow and tossing it on Josh and his papers.
“Hey!” cried Josh. “Stop! Damnit! Assholes!” He screamed at them. He fumbled with the papers, clearing snow off of them.
“Hey!” shouted Matt.
The two bullies stopped and turned to face the larger boy’s double fist punch to their faces. Both boys were immediately stunned. Matt turned to the one on the right and slugged him in the stomach with a left. He then followed that by a right swing to the face, knocking the boy to the ground. He then turned and swung his right at the second boy, but he dodged, leaning his body away, and turned to run away.
Josh’s leg struck out and took out the leg as it touched the ground and received all of the boy’s weight. Josh’s kick sent the leg flying, and the bully’s body and momentum sent him into the ground instead of forward, his head collided with the cement of the sidewalk and with a hollow thunk sound.
Matt stooped and helped pick up the rest of the paper with Josh. The two bullies struggled to their feet and staggered away.
“You okay?” asked Matt.
“Yeah, was just reading while walking, stupid me,” said Josh.
“I’m surprised you didn’t figure out a way to read a book by just putting your hand on it and being able to like, scan it, like a photocopier or something, you know?”
Josh stopped and then stared into Matt’s eyes. “That’s a fucken, brilliant idea, man. And I think... yeah, I think you can do a spell to do that, but it would... well, it would be like sending a file to the memory core, or no, retrieving it, I mean.” He took the papers from Matt and assembled them in his folder. “Yeah, like, your hand is the scanner and so reading it is just photographing each page, front and back, the spell can do that, yeah... and then... that information travels up your nerves. Your nerves? No, an invisible cable, yeah, just something imaginary, is all you need, but once it reaches your brain....”
Josh started walking forward, with a purpose. Matt hurried to keep up.
“You know, Matt, I’ve realized something.”
“What’s that, Josh?” asked the husky boy.
“Working out, it makes you smarter.” Josh grinned to himself, his glasses fogging up slightly. “Like, I’m using my body for things I’m not used to, and it’s making my body produce different hormones, and I like, feel alive, and strong, and... awesome, you know? Lifting weights, grrr,” Josh flexed his arms, which were encased in a jacket, “I’m like all sore, but ripped, and it hurts, but it also feels, gewwwooooddd.” He did a little dance.
“Heh, alright Josh, good for you,” said Matt, grinning. “I feel the same way, and know what you mean. So why are we getting smarter?”
“Whatever it is, I think it means the Samurai had the right idea, if you live the life of a warrior, you should also pursue educating yourself and just knowing the world and how things work, and part of that is writing and communicating.
“It’s like, Hamlet went to college, but he was a great fencing champion. And that’s because, the two work together. That’s why Renaissance Men were supposed to be swordsmen and intellects.”
“Wow, okay,” said Matt.
“Sorry, man, just... like, you know, this magic stuff, it’s awesome. I’m glad we got to go back down to Kelem. Margo showed me his books, and even made me some copies of stuff. Most of it is crap, but a lot of it does help explain things.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like how magic is created and focused in the mind, and in fact, processed kind of like how the brain operates now. I’ve been reading up on it at the college library, about how the brain works in those medical textbooks, and it’s just how magic seems to work, so magic can be like an invisible hand you control, or that’s the easiest way to explain it, I think. Anyways, I think I can do a lot more magic, and can do it on my own. I don’t need Margo’s help. I just have to think of it, and I can do it. But that’s the challenge, I have to literally create a lot of things to occur, it’s like a program. Man, this would be better if our brains were like computers.”
“What? You mean like the Borg in Star Trek?”
“Well, actually, now that you think about it, or say it, I mean, yeah, that makes sense. That could be one way to have the magic, or, well, a way for us to communicate with each other, and without us having to really think about it. I mean... well, yeah, think about it.”
“Ah, Josh?”
“Sorry.” Josh shook his head. “I’m going to think of something.”
Matt chuckled.
“So, this is February break,” said Jim.
He stood in Matt’s garage and faced four new faces to the six that had traveled last time.
Daniel, a tall, skinny, and chestnut-brown skinned black boy. His curly hair was shortly groomed, and covered his head in a puffball. His lanky fingers wrapped around a carved wooden spear shaft.
Paul, a stout young man with a filling out belly and jet black hair. His pale skin shone in stark contrast to his dark green outfit.
Rudy, an olive skinned hispanic boy with short, curly, black hair. His face had youthful features.
Raul, brown haired boy with freckles and an innocent look in his face.
“And guys, I’m glad you are going to join us in this,” said Jim.
“You really sure there are black people there,” said Daniel. “Because I’ve still never seen any other brothers in Gallen.”
“No, there are black people, man,” said Jim. “We saw several, dozen, more like... fifty or so, right?”
“Yeah, like fifty,” said Matt. “Or more.”
“There are multiple cultures there,” said Josh. “I mean, you can tell, when you go to the taverns, you can see most of the people will be one way, but there will be one or two who is near different or completely different, and they are foreigners, but living or working there. It’s more about money and loyalty then about race there. To you, your just another guy.”
“Wow, okay,” said Daniel. “So I can’t, like, you know, throw down my weapons and be like ‘I’m sorry, masta. Don’t whip my black ass, pla-ease?’” He laughed and everyone laughed with him.
“No, man, they don’t got that racism thing there,” said Jim. “You’re just another face to them. It’s this,” he indicated the outfit he was wearing, “that gets you attention one way or another. I mean, seriously, these guys wear outfits to reflect what faction they support, and it’s so petty, too. Like, these guys, businessmen, not elected to whatever, the walk into a place, and they got on some sash of Lord Barrison, and people act like they are secret police, or something, and the thing is, they kind of are.”
“It’s ridiculous,” said Josh.
“Seriously,” said Jim. He faced the new boys. “Anyways, we are all cool there. Just remember, don’t talk about earth. Never talk about earth, unless you absolutely know no one can hear you talk about it. Because people won’t understand it, and they’ll question, or they will understand, and then we are fucked, because they are going to be like ‘What sort of magic do you know?’ And then we can’t do jack, because we’ll be hounded everywhere we go. So keeping a low profile, and just staying quiet, is a good way to go.
“Because it’s all about reputation to these people, too. Like, if you get a reputation and get known and people talk about you, it’s because you kill a lot of people. And a lot of times, the killing is incidental. Like, these guys who just want bar fights, and any excuse to take on bigger groups of guys, and even have guys pull knives and try to kill them. They live for the attention, so you know, if we bump into these guys anywhere, just keep a distance and stay quiet. Because they want any excuse to pull steel on you, if you know what I mean.” Jim gripped the sword hilt at his side with his left hand for emphasis. He held his spear in his right.
“So just remember, it’s just for four weeks, we are gone, and we come back. We’ve brain-washed your parents and they will be okay with it when we come back, because we’ll do it again, and everything will be kosher. The only things we have to worry about is getting killed over there, but if we don’t go looking for trouble, it won’t find us.
“Okay, because as it stands now, Matt is our best fighter, and even he ain’t that good. So if we do get into a fight, stick together, and stay back to back, and we’ll be fine.”
“I’m still concerned, though, Jim,” said Alex.
“I know you are,” said Jim. “But don’t worry, man. It could be fun, and it could be safe, too.”
Alex sighed.
“You guys ready to go?”
“Yeah.”
“Hello, Theo!” shouted Jim as he stepped into the tavern.
“Hey there, Jim!” came the reply from the portly and hairy bartender who sat on a stool behind the bar. The room was empty save for two tables with people sitting and drinking and eating at them. Theo stared between bushy eyebrows and long locks, blinking his eyes repeatedly and slowly rocking side to side. He tilted his head and looked at the boys.
“Staying a night?” asked Theo, he started inching off the stool and made his way to grab a mug on a counter against the wall.
“Yeah. Ten of us now,” said Jim. Stepping to the bar and taking a mug of ale that Theo handed to him.
“Oh, ten?” said Theo. “Why, ten orphans in the woods, now? I hope you are all good boys, now, and not trouble-makers. The law here will deal with scoundrels in a bad way if you cause problems.” He eyed the new faces.
“Theo, please,” said Jim, holding his hands out to calm the portly man down. “We are good, decent boys. Just down on our luck, and looking for business. We actually travel and work a lot now, you know?”
“Oh, right, I have you now,” said Theo, handing out more mugs of ale. “And really, why should I care? You boys always pay your stays, so I don’t worry none. And I just want you boys to stay good. Because I’ve seen you orphan bands before, and they start out good, but pretty soon, they get took over by a bad element.”
“Oh, we aren’t going to let that happen,” said Jim. “We are pretty good together. And we trust each other.”
“Good. Trust is good.” Theo handed out the rest of the mugs. “You boys want food?”
“Yes please,” said Matt.
Theo ducked into a backroom.
“Excuse me, did you say you boys sought employment?”
The boys turned. A well dressed man with neatly trimmed beard stood up and emerged into the space between tables in the common room.
“Yes, sir,” said Jim, awkwardly. He started getting to his feet.
“I need an escort to Gallington. Can you boys ride with me for ten days?”
“Not fast, but we can ride,” said Jim.
“Good, I don’t like to ride too fast either. I am Markus.”
“I’m Jim.” Standing before the man, Jim extended his hand to take the man’s.
The noblemen looked askance at the hand and Jim followed the man’s gaze to his hand.
“Oh, my pardon, sir,” he withdrew his hands and kept them at his sides. He bowed his head. “We are poor orphans, and so bereft of proper courtesy.”
“He said bereft,” said Matt quietly to Josh.
“Shut up,” said Josh in a hiss.
“I see, it is alright,” said the man, inclining his head slightly. “Well, Jim, I need an escort, and can only pay you and your men...,” he looked the group over, “well, I’ll give the lot of you ten silver coins to ride with me the distance.”
“That sounds very good, my lord,” said Jim.
“No, you can call me sir,” said Markus with a slight grin.
“Oh, yes, sir. Ah, when do you wish to depart?”
“Tomorrow morning. At dawn, ok?”
“Yes, we can do that,” said Jim.
Markus turned and headed up the stairs.
“What’s his story?” Josh asked of Theo.
“He’s a traveling noble, all I know. I think his escort left him, or his bodyguards ditched him. Maybe he forgot he needed to protect his noble ass. I don’t know.” Theo looked at Jim. “You really want to ride for ten days on horseback?”
“Not particularly,” said Jim. “But we get to see the land, and different places. And we’re being paid. And this guy sounds like he’s got access to money.”
“Make sure he has the coin first,” said Theo. “Some of these nobles are stingy bastards. I charge three pence a night to stay here, so I don’t worry, but sometimes, and really, I should say almost always, they try to stiff me on sleeping here. I’ve half a mind to toss one out on his ass if they try that again.” Theo chuckled. “And I’ll go right to Lord Barrison and told him I did it, too.” He shook his head and went into the kitchen.
“That’s six hundred pennies,” said Terry to Daniel and Rudy. “One hundred to each of us. And he’s not paying for our mounts or meals. We actually are getting shafted for that work.”
“Yeah, we’d have to take care of our way back home,” said Matt.
“But we do get to see more of the countryside,” said Josh. “So far all we’ve seen is forest. And log walls. Maybe we’ll see some stone castles.”
“And I think Gallington is a fairly large city,” said Jim.
“You can see castles in Europe,” said Alex. “But at least it’s escort. And on horseback, no one will mess us then, right?”
“No idea,” said Jim. “He’s got money, and doesn’t want anyone taking it, simple as that. Ten boys is better then one man, I guess.” Jim grinned.
“He could ditch us in a fight,” said Josh. “We could get overwhelmed.”
“There is that,” said Jim. “In that case, we hand him over. We say we have no money, he never paid us, which will likely be true, and if they want him, he’s their’s. And by the way, don’t kill us, we won’t fight.” Jim looked around. “Sounds good?”
Matt chuckled. “Sounds alright.”
Daniel and Raul looked at each other worried.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
And Also:
If this is a finished work Sky (or rather, has been written out in full until it's ending has appeared), may I suggest re-writing your prologue. If you look at your writing, you can see how it has changed dramatically from the first Prologue and chapter. Quite a good idea to go over those again once you feel you've 'found your voice' for a piece.
And agreed. As I went on, I believe you are correct in that I found my voice. Course, it became more of a "grind" on me to write, and so that could have been why I started cutting back on how "eloquent" I was getting with my writing.
And the thing is, I felt my writing was suffering as a result and was going to be "boring."
But please, explain to me, do you think the writing is getting better? Is it more entertaining, interesting?
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
The eleven riders hurried along a frozen and muddy road, snow lightly falling.
The riders traveled in a long line, down a quiet road surrounded on both sides by snow covered trees. White covered the entire landscape in blankets. The horses made soft snorts, steam shooting from their nostrils.
Markus stared dreamingly ahead as he rode first.
From a hiding spot under some tree branches near the road, a man emerged from the road side. He sprung forward and grabbed Markus by his jacket.
“Wha-,” Markus was able to utter before he was pulled off his horse and fell to the ground.
Five other men emerged from the surrounding trees, all clad in thick coats and cloaks. One of them helped the first man to disarm Markus and bind his hands. The rest of the men formed a barrier between Markus and the boys, three of them with spears.
Jim was right behind Markus and quickly dismounted, slipping his leg over his saddle and sliding off. He gripped his spear in his right hand, and with his left pulled a shield from the saddle on his horse. He started engaging the men facing him, using his shield to block thrusts and try to make jabs with his spear.
Matt was behind Jim and stayed on horseback. He spurred his horse unto the side of the road, the animals legs crashing through the snow and sending it flying.
Josh and Terry dismounted and joined Jim with their spears, Josh pulling a shield as well. Aaron and Alex dismounted and joined the spear line.
Jim looked at the line of five spearmen that formed with him. “Alright, start advancing on them!” he shouted.
Jim changed his grip on his spear and turned and threw it at the man on the far side away from him. The sharp metal point took the man in the thigh, making him stumble backwards, using his spear to support himself. The boys with Jim started advancing and made the bandits retreat.
Matt turned around a tree and came upon the two men who were forcing Markus down a path in the snow. With spear in hand, he skewered one of the men in the chest. The other man abandoned Markus and started running, pulling a short sword as he did. Matt pulled his spear from the dying man and turned his horse for the other man.
The man ran several feet, then turned, facing Matt who was right behind him, his spear dripping blood on the white snow. Matt made some feints and passes, the bandit parried them away with his sword blade, and retorted by trying to smash the spearhead. Matt finally made a stab and took the man in the right arm, the spear point tearing a whole in his flesh. He dropped his sword.
Clutching his wound with his other hand, the man fell to his knees and shouted, “Mercy!”
Matt held his spear at the ready and faced him. “Stand up. Start walking.”
Matt led the man back to Markus, who was standing on his feet, his hands still bound before his body.
When they reached Markus’ side, Matt spoke, “Get on your knees. Interlace your fingers and put your hands behind your neck. Don’t move.” He turned to Markus. “Let me help you, sir.” Matt pulled a dagger out with his left hand and leaned over, slicing off Markus’ bonds. “You okay, sir?”
“Yes, thank you,” said the man, adjusting his clothing. “Lets get back to the rest of the boys.”
He turned and started walking. Matt faced his prisoner.
“Stand up,” said Matt. “Start walking.”
The three walked back to the road.
Jim paced before four men on their knees, all bearing wounds. They wore thick clothing, but of poor design, and filthy. Their faces were covered in grime.
Jim faced the noble. “Are you alright, Markus?”
“Yes,” said the man. As he walked by the prisoners he spat on one. “Dispose of this rabble and let’s be on our way.”
“Aye sir,” said Jim.
Markus returned his horse and fetched his sword.
“Who hasn’t killed someone yet?” asked Jim.
Terry took the prisoner Matt led in and had him sit down next to his fellows.
“Alright, guys, like I said, this has to be done, and it will make you realize how serious this business is that we are in here. There is no pussyfooting around it. Alex, you get in here, too.”
“Please, I begged for mercy,” said the man Matt brought in.
“He did beg,” said Matt.
“After you injured him, right?” said Jim.
“Yeah,” said Matt, looking glum.
“He wouldn’t have given you the same mercy,” said Jim.
“That’s true,” said Josh. “You deserve the same fate.”
“Please! Please!” screamed the man.
“Terry?” asked Jim.
Terry took his dagger hilt in hand and smashed it into the man’s neck. The man grimaced in pain, his head dropping slightly.
Daniel, Paul, Rudy, and Raul stepped forward. Alex slowly followed. They each pulled a dagger from their belts.
“Do we really have to kill these guys?” asked Alex. “Can’t we let them go?”
Jim’s eyes opened wide and he stepped to Alex, bringing his face real close to his. “Alex, dude, don’t say that in front of these guys on the ground, and especially don’t say that so Markus can hear. He expects me to be in charge and you guys can’t question him or me, you got that?”
“We aren’t fucken killers,” said Alex, loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Alex, don’t do this,” said Jim.
The bandits started protesting and pleading for their lives.
Jim looked to Matt. “Matt, get this done.”
Matt nodded and faced the four new comers. “Guys, this has to be done. These men would have killed you. They deserve it. And we are doing a service, we’re being like police here, okay? Do you understand? The right of law is with us on this.” The boys stood behind their respective prisoners.
“Now, at the base of the neck,” said Matt, as the men who sat on the ground, their hands bound behind their backs, struggled to get to their feet. “And thrust in.” Matt stepped to each boy in turn and helped them making the killing blow.
Matt came to Alex, who struggled with the man in his hands.
“Alex, you need to do this,” said Matt.
“I, ... I can’t,” said Alex. His eyes started welling up with tears. “I can’t do this.” He stepped away and threw the dagger at the ground.
Matt looked around. “Anyone else need the experience?”
Josh silently stepped forward, pulling his dagger, and killed the man in a quick motion.
“Guys, you have to do this to get over the shock of blood and death,” said Jim. “I know it’s hard, but this is a hard life. I mean, look, they were going to kidnap this guy for a ransom. You did the right thing.” Jim looked to Matt. He stepped close to him and spoke softly to him. “I’ll take these four and follow along with Markus. You take the rest and loot the bodies, and see if you can find their camp for anything good.”
“Got ya,” said Matt.
Jim faced his fellows. “You four, with me. We ride with Marcus.” He then looked at Josh. “And if you can, talk to Alex, or have him come talk to me when he comes back.”
“Okay,” said Josh.
“You wanted me to speak to you,” said Alex.
Tears streaked the road dust on his face.
“Yeah,” said Jim.
They were all on horseback, Jim riding behind Markus, Matt and Terry riding before, the rest of the boys riding in twos behind. Jim led his horse to the side of the road with Alex, and they stopped, letting the horses walk pass. Jim waited till the last pair had passed.
“It’s like this, man,” said Jim. “Remember what we told you about Simon, and how he taught us how to live here?”
“Yeah,” said Alex.
“Well, what he taught us was the truth of this place,” said Jim. “I don’t like it, but people have to die here. Those guys have killed before, they would have killed again. We just kept them from killing any more. And what’s more, they would have killed us. They might have killed Markus if the ransom didn’t work out. This is not an easy place. And the way you maintain survival is through discipline.
“Now, what discipline means is that if I say something, you need to do it. Simon was the same way. I mean, seriously, we would jokingly say things to him, and he would snap on us. You can’t just do things this or that way, it has to be one way, the bosses way. I’m boss, okay, and I don’t like to think of myself like that, but I have to, because it’s going to keep us all alive, you know? It’s why we trust each other, and why we practice with weapons every day after school. You know?”
“Yeah, I know,” said Alex. “It’s just... when we would practice it, it seemed like we were just practicing. You know, pretending and playing. When we came to Adrena, I knew it would mean we were going to have get serious. But... to kill someone.” Alex looked at Jim with red eyes.
“Alex, I know, and that’s the test you have to pass,” said Jim. “If you can kill, if you can take a life, and hold yourself together for it, then you are a man here, and you are respected. But if you can’t do it, then you are a liability here. You understand?”
“Ah, I think I do.”
“It means, I can’t bring you with us to this world if I can’t trust you to do what I say, and especially if it means killing a person. If you can’t take a life, how can we expect you to protect and defend us when we need you to, you understand?”
“Okay, yeah, I do.” Alex sniffed.
“So, from now on, you can come with us to Gallen, but other then that you’re not traveling with us, okay?”
“I understand,” said Alex. “And it’s probably for the best. Was worried you were going to say I can’t hang with you guys anymore.”
“No, we need you,” said Jim. He grinned. “Because that means you get to walk and carry and trade more goods for us here while we are away adventuring.” Jim winked at Alex.
Alex chuckled softly.
“Also, we need you to help us train and help be sparing partners,” said Jim. “We got to get a lot better at fighting here.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” said Alex, swallowing.
“Drink some water man, you’ll feel better.”
Markus walked into the tavern, Jim right behind him.
The nobleman looked at the barkeep. “Food and drink for me and my ten men, no room for the night.”
“Aye sir,” said man, who started bustling behind the bar.
Markus strode through the common room and took a small table. Jim waited by the bar and then brought a plate of food and mug over to Markus to eat.
“Sir,” said Jim softly as he set them before Markus.
“Your men did well this morning,” said Markus. “I’ll reward you extra when we get to Gallington.
“Oh, thank you, sir,” said Jim. “We would be most honored.”
“You know,” said Markus. “Since you boys work well together, you may want to consider giving yourselves a name.”
“A name?” asked Jim.
“Yeah, like The Dandy Snapdragons, or The Beardless Gallens.” Markus chuckled. “I’ve heard of The Black Moon Shadow Hunters and The Greater Mole Island Spring Steppers. What are you going to call your band?”
Jim cast a glance at his friends as they made their way in and to a table.
“Well, never given it any thought,” said Jim. “Do we really need a name?”
“No, but it helps when people speak of you and know of your services. You also want a name that stands out, so people remember you.”
Jim chuckled. “I see. Well, let me talk to my men and see what we can come up.”
“The Dagger,” said Jim.
He followed Markus as they led their horses out of the stables.
“The what?” asked Markus.
“We decided to call ourselves The Dagger,” said Jim.
“You sure? Kind of short and plain, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” said Jim. “And we realized, well, as you likely heard from the arguing, the name was kind of hard to agree to. Also, I realized, we don’t really want to stand out as a group. Having a simple name would help that.”
“But you just can’t call yourselves The Dagger. That’s a ridiculous name. People will mock you.”
“Well, The Dagger, Gang of Daggers I don’t know, sir, but I prefer Dagger. We don’t need fame and fortune and glory seekers joining us. We’d prefer if we only knew each other.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ll come up with some mystic tale for the name in no time,” said the nobleman.
“I’m sure we will, sir.”
“Incidentally,” said Markus. “Lord Barrison, as you know I am an agent for, is organizing an army to take land back from Lord Laslow. It will be amassing in Tugon, southeast of Gallen, in a few months, when the snows clear. It will likely run through most of the summer. If you want, you can join up. Mention my name to one of the officers and if I am there, I will vouch for you.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Jim.
“If anything, having a simple name is a good way to stay inconspicuous,” said Markus. “I tried traveling light to be fast, but then realized there would be bandits, like today, who would try to kidnap me and hold me for ransom. So it was a good thing you boys happened into Gallen that night when you did.”
“Well, we do seem to have some luck,” said Jim.
“The gods likely favor you, since you are orphans and decent ones at that,” said Markus. “Stay on the right path and good things will happen for you.”
“We’ll try to do that, sir.”
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Try rewriting the first chapter from scratch, really working to recreate the picture in your head framed with he criticism we've given you. You should see a marked improvement over the original and if you had tried to edit it instead.
I think it sounds more natural as you go on. But it also sounds a bit breathless and hurried in places, as if you wanted to get the scene over with as quickly as possible. And it's still dry. You don't alter the pace of the narration much, you don't take the time to create atmosphere or to set the scene, and you characters don't seem real. I never thought I'd say this but, man, at least add some adjectives (but only where they make a difference).
The whole killing prisoners scene (spoilered below) is a glaring example of this. The premise is good enough to make this a very important, emotional scene. You could say so much about your characters and their situation here, but you'd need to make the reader stop and see it, not just glance at it and hurry on. It needs to feel real. Instead, you treat your characters as callously as they treat their prisoners, and the scene is instantly forgettable.
There's no need for "but" here. The sentence has been artificially extended - "They wore thick, filthy clothing of poor design."
Spitting on prisoners who just a few minutes ago had been imprisoning him would usually carry some passion, along with a reaction from the spitee. Here it comes off that Markus was just spitting randomly, like he had a watermelon seed, and it landed on a nameless prisoner who doesn't even notice.
This is a very awkward sentence, doubly so for spoken dialogue.
In danger of their life, no one says "I begged for mercy." For one, it sounds like a small sullen child whining that "I SAID sorry!" after being told to apologize. Maybe you were going for the whining thing, which is fine. Thing is, if you're worried someone is going to kill you, you don't reference that time when you begged for mercy - you actually keep begging for mercy. The screaming at the end is a bit better, but other than the word "scream" there's no indication of the prisoner's panic. He might start sweating profusely, or looking for sympathetic faces, or writhing in an attempt to escape.
The writing isn't much more than a script - lines, some stage directions, and a few emotions that are told instead of shown. With an actual script, this might work - you've got actors to convey a visual picture and complete the story. With a novel, all you've got are the words, and the scene is incomplete as it stands.
I want to know what an artist could do with the basic concept, and especially to see how s/he would design the weapons and armor the group would wear on Adrena. (And since they are nerds, how they would dress on earth once they started making money and turned aggressive.)
Damn, I didn't give the synopsis?
It's pretty much what you see so far. They form a mercenary group and start selling their services. Eventually you are going to see more of the result on earth.
And... well, receiving criticism will help in the overall product. The more "pressure" you put on something, the more it makes me realize things and better focus my attention.
Really, my hopes are a little lifted after the initial "Your work is dull."
Bliss101,
Got ya.
And funny you say "treat the characters as callously as the prisoners," that's the point.
I mean, Jim is displaying leadership, two sides of it. He's forcing his comrades to do things which is really beyond what they are used to, and he has to bully them into it. With Alex, it's up to the reader to either identify with him, or give their own interpretation for Alex's actions.
(Also, Alex not jiving was something I added after the fact. I needed to work in that some members challenge and doubt the momentum of the group and try to go against it. But in other stories where the "black sheep"/"bad apple" leads to ruin, the leader quickly identifies the problem and removes it before it causes a further disruption to the rest of the group.
Kaltorak,
Some people find spitting disgusting, man. I don't want to gross people out. If it is important, the reader will take it as such. But I thought I captured the scene well, the noble was unhappy, but he considered the bandits trash. This is a recurring theme.
Remember, the boys themselves are considered at the beginning of the story to be one step above bandits. Everyone they deal with is cautious about what the boys are doing, their agenda.
I think, for my speeches, they are a bit slower. And considering these guys just finished fighting, they are all keyed up, their pulses are still high, their minds are going fast. The speech Jim gives is not meant to be him standing on a tree stump giving out an expository about what they just accomplished and what is next, but him trying to quickly, and efficiently, wrap up the aftermath of this fight.
*sigh* Shame it came out awkwardly. But thank you guys for pointing out my problem areas. This is really helpful.
Yeah, that last part, it did seem awkward to get out, now that I recall.
Well, there is only so much I can capture in the short amount of text, because you got to realize that Jim is trying to wrap up the actions quickly before something happens that causes problems. Also, he has to get his guys to get their "first kill" before they calm down and start getting hesitant.
Anyways, there is a lot of action going on at once, I can only write so much, so while reading, all these things are going on, the reader should be aware of them, and the main action is presented in the foreground.
It's like for the siege at the village (which I named Kelem several chapters later, by the way), I had the characters talking, and you will notice that they are giving directions with their speech, and it is obvious they are speaking to several different people in the course of one continuous monologue.
Again, thank you guys for the criticism, this does help me.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Stat.
I need to finish "Writers on World War II," Dr. Wayne Dyer's "The Sky's the Limit" (yeah, I found it at random and the name did grab my attention), then Stephen Ambrose's "Band of Brothers," I think "Strong Men Armed" about Marines in WWII Pacific, and then some other texts which I bought and have been sitting on.
THEN, I can start reading Salvatore to improve the fights.
*sighes* And I hope this thread does not get deleted, because I will read your suggestions. So thank you.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Why don't you want to gross people out? As a writer it's your job to show people things that will bring out their emotions, the way an actor tries to bring out emotions with their performance, or a musician, or any other artist.
If you don't want the scene to feel dirty, that's your choice. The scene doesn't have to feel gross. The fact that the spit-take was in there suggests that you want some harsh elements in the scene, and the scene would indeed benefit from elements like that. But ask yourself why you want that harshness in the scene. To define characters? Probably. Create a realistic feel for what it's like in the scene? Absolutely. Nothing will get your reader closer to the action than details that invoke their emotions. So gross them out, scare them, make them laugh and cry, feel warm and fuzzy, hate your characters' guts, or weep when they die. Make them feel the moral ambiguity of the execution of the prisoners. Don't just put down some events happening like a spit-take or a throat getting cut and expect your reader to carry everything that goes along with it - rub their faces in the action.
Also, yes, you are correct in that I need to put more attention to the "dirty" feeling of Adrena. I need to write in varmints and vermin, and handicap and retarded people, in the streets.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
The only R.A. Salvatore book I ever read was his star wars vector prime one and I have to admit that the combat in it bored me too tears. It was far too ponderous and wordy to convey what fighting is like, to me.
No, i'm using the spit as an example. The same points can (and should) be applied to Alex's refusal, and the rest of the story. You're hoping that readers will identify with Alex's emotions, but we aren't feeling anything that Alex is feeling - we see what he does and have to guess. You're keeping the reader at a distance by not giving details that put him in a position to relate to the characters. I can figure out that Jim wants to look like a strong leader in front of Markus (because he says so) and that Alex doesn't want to kill the guy (because he doesn't). I don't at all get a sense of how difficult it is to be in either position. Maybe Alex's stomach knots and churns as he's pressured from boths sides by his companions and his moral convictions. Maybe his vision blurs. Maybe Jim flushes with rage at Alex's insubordination before delegating to Matt. Everyone who will read the story will be able to relate to someone feeling pressured, or angry. Very few people will relate to that time when they were pressured to murder someone by their friends.
Ahh, try his fantasy books, the Dark Elf series was enjoyable for me at least.
But how about this point of view:
The characters are acting, things are unfolding. But the emotions are not that evident. You see people, but do you know what's going on in their heads? Can you interpret their actions based on what they are doing now, or based on their general feelings towards things?
Alex was pretty much chickenshit about the whole thing from the beginning, when they started telling him about Adrena. The incident in the road finally pushes him to the edge of what he can accept and he abandons it.
This will become a recurring theme, brutality and bravery and savagery.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
As it is, your dialogue is awkward and unnatural, your fight scenes are, as people have said, something I would expect to see in Excel instead of a fantasy novel, and your prose is basically poor. It doesn't hold my attention, it doesn't make me want to read it.
Also, just in general, stop trying to back-talk to people who give you help. You've done a good job of not getting upset, and that's good, but even if you could convince me that your stumbling prose is somehow indicative of the motives of the characters, the fact that you had to explain that to me at all is misplaced. You're not going to get a chance to explain things to your readers, and you're definitely, definitely not going to get a chance to justify writing decisions that, purposeful or not, makes your writing a chore to read.
EDIT: Also, please stop *sigh*ing. This is not an AOL chatroom, this is a forum, and we don't need to know the method in which you're inhaling or exhaling every other line.
We already established that you're writing a novel, not a movie. When you watch a movie, yeah, most of your perceptions about the characters come from their actions and lines because there's no other way of getting the character across (barring voice-over monologues). When you're writing a novel, you can put in indications of intention. You can force people to read and notice details that make a difference that they wouldn't notice if they were watching a scene from 20 feet away. What kind of experience are you trying to create for your reader? The experience of being right there with the characters, possibly even one of them? Or the experience of watching security video footage of a scene accompanied by a transcript of lines?
I am noticing a trend.
And I think you guys for the help.
LOL
I was more worried that people would be turned off that the guys are using spears more then swords.
I'm using the model set forth from Creative Assembly's "Rome: Total War" for weapons and units and fighting styles.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
“Fight!”
Matt held the wooden shield in his left hand. It was barely three feet in diameter and made of a thin layer of wood. It was heavy and the wooden grip was slippery. In his right hand, Matt wielded a broadsword still in it’s leather scabbard.
Across from Matt, Jim and Josh stood with wooden staves in their right hands, wooden shields in their lefts.
Jim stepped forward and jabbed his staff at Matt’s right leg. The larger boy stepped aside and used his sword to strike the staff and send it’s end into the ground, the wood skipping on the cement. Josh made a high stab at Matt’s head and Matt blocked with his shield. Matt then swung hard and hit Josh’s staff with tremendous force, knocking it from Josh’s hands and unto the ground.
Josh withdrew a step and pulled his short sword, with scabbard still on.
Around Matt’s garage, the other boys watched, silent, intent, studying each move. Terry held a dagger in his hand and mimicked moves. Raul did the same thing with bare hands.
Jim raised his shield and crashed into Matt, the larger boy barely blocking with his sword and shield, taking a few steps back. He then braced and pushed back at Jim, forcing him away. Jim raised his staff and jabbed at Matt’s midsection. Matt brought his shield down, causing the staff to move, the tip grazing the leather vest around his stomach. Dropping his shield, Matt seized the staff and started yanking on it.
Jim did not let go and struggled with Matt, getting pushed around more then pushing himself. Josh stepped in, striking at Matt’s exposed left arm. Matt raised Jim’s staff, using it to block the swing. He then swung his sword at Jim, who blocked with his shield. Matt then swung low, and Jim blocked again. Josh made a low stab at Matt’s thigh, connecting the tip to body.
“Ah!” shouted Matt. He stepped away, dragging Jim along with him.
Jim stepped into Josh and made Josh stumble back. Jim released the staff and stepped away from Josh, pulling his own short sword.
Josh barely recovered in time to block Matt’s attack. Josh’s shield thudded loudly from the sword strike and he stumbled back some more. Matt stepped away and faced Jim, the two bringing swords together in a dull clank. Jim pushed into Matt, adding his shield. Matt stepped back and brought his sword around in a swing, colliding with Josh’s own sword swing, and knocking the weapon away, Josh following after.
Jim pushed off on Matt with his shield, then made a low swing. Matt moved his leg out of the way, the tip of the scabbard grazing Matt’s shin. Matt readied his sword and made a strike at Jim, avoiding his shield and striking Jim’s left shoulder.
“Ah!” cried Jim. He stepped away.
Josh crashed into Matt with his shield and sent Matt moving, struggling to keep his feet under him. Matt bounced off the garage door and turned to face Josh, swinging into Josh’s shield. Josh blocked, and Matt swung again from the opposite side. Josh managed to block that. Matt continued advancing, swinging like a windmill from two sides. He then brought his sword into a low sweep on Josh’s leg, making the boy fall on his butt. Matt swung over Josh’s head.
“You’re dead,” said the larger, blond boy.
Matt turned and managed to block Jim’s strike for his back with his sword. He then swung and made Jim retreat. Matt kept swinging and advancing, Jim using his sword to block and attempt to parry. Matt’s sword moved to fast. As Jim’s back hit the garage door, Matt stepped in and grabbed Jim’s shield, pinning Jim between it and the door, and then bringing the tip of his sword to Jim’s face.
“Phew!” exclaimed Jim. “You are getting good.”
Everyone applauded.
“So, what do you guys think?” asked Jim. “It’s Matt, me, Josh, Terry, Raul so far, right?”
“I think I’m getting better then Josh,” said Terry.
“We’ll see about that,” said the dark haired boy, jabbing Terry’s shin with his sheathed sword.
“Ow!” said Terry.
Jim and Matt panted and separated themselves. They discarded their arms and each took up a water bottle.
“Well guys, what do you think?” asked Jim. “Do you think we could handle ourselves in a battle?”
“Ah, Jim,” said Alex. “I know I would not be participating, but seriously, do you think you all can go into a battle and survive? I think you’d be really pushing your luck.”
“I know,” said Jim, giving Alex a serious look. “But we can make a lot of money, and get a lot of loot if we do this.”
“We could also do that if we just follow the army around and rob the dead when they aren’t looking,” said Josh. “But we don’t want to do that. We’d be considered scum and people would really then throw us out of their villages.”
“Josh is right,” said Jim. “Also, look at this way, we’d get to spar and train with some real professionals and are skills get better.”
“There is that,” said Terry. “But I don’t know, what does that make us?”
“Mercenaries,” said Jim. “We’re a mercenary band, at least on Adrena. We roam around, sell our services, and fight when we need to.”
“That sounds real dangerous,” said Alex.
“It is,” said Jim. “But there’s a reason. Alex, how much money are we making off of those jewels and swords we buy and loot?
“Well, it’s getting to be around five thousand dollars a month,” said Alex.
Daniel whistled.
“That’s pretty good money,” said Jim. “And we can live like kings, here on earth and over on Adrena.” Jim paced. “It’s like, off of this simple trading, we are pulling in a sizable income, and that’s just a few of the items. I think we should think about expanding what we trade. And Alex, I want you in charge of it.”
“Me?” said the boy. “Por que?”
“Alex, you are good with math, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, do you think you can learn accounting? Like in a business?”
Alex was quiet a moment. “I guess I could. My uncle ran a restaurant and I learned to work the cash register. I sometimes watched him work out his monthly budget, too.” He looked at Jim. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”
“Good, then that is half of our operation,” said Jim.
“Half of what operation?” asked Josh.
“I think, we need to become a bit more professional, guys,” said Jim. “And we need to take ourselves a bit more seriously.”
“What do you mean?” asked Matt, leaning against a support beam.
“Well, for starters, we need something more then this garage to practice in,” said Jim. “There’s twelve of us now,” Jim cast a glance at the two new faces, “and we are crowded in here. We need a dojo to practice in.”
“But we are too young to rent a place,” said Aaron.
“Not exactly,” said Terry. “If one of us, like Jim, pretended to be older, using the mind control, we could convince an adult who has a space for rent, to sign the documents and let us have the place. My uncle owns several properties and I know how he does it. There’s just a lot of paperwork, but you sign your name to a few forms, and that’s it, the guy never sees you again unless there is a problem. And as long as he is receiving regular checks, he won’t care.”
Jim nodded. “Okay, so we take the money from those checks we receive from selling swords and jewelry, and put them into my account, then use that to write checks.”
“No, no, no,” said Terry. “That can be taxed and traced. My dad works at a bank. I know half of the stuff there. I do know, though, a way to run it, and nobody from the government will be aware.”
“Oh?” said Jim. “Do share.”
“It’s... kind of boring and complicated,” said Terry.
“Oh, well, tell me later,” said Jim, waving his hand to change the subject. “Anyways, I think we need to really live up to this idea that we are The Dagger. And to do that, we keep training with the weapons, so we are good. But then we also make sure we get good armor, and maybe even try to be uniform in what we wear.”
“Uniforms?” asked Matt. “They are talking about school uniforms, Jim. I don’t want to wear a uniform.”
“I don’t mean that,” said Jim. “I mean, like, we have a color scheme to reflect we are all part of a group.”
“Uhm, sounds gay,” said Josh.
“Yeah, you’re right,” said Jim. “Oh well. Okay. So where can we rent a studio?”
“Down the street from the school,” said Terry. “One of the streets near Main, there are some commercial buildings, and we can get ourselves a studio with electricity and even running water and bathrooms all covered in the rent. And those are like two thousand a month.”
“So that’s three thousand left,” said Jim, placing his hand against a post and staring at the ground. “Alex, like I said, see about making more money, and the rest of us are going to help. So on our weekend trips to Gallen, we’ll take clear glass with us.”
“Glass?” asked Paul.
“Yeah, drinking glasses,” said Jim. “The people of Adrena don’t have glass, anywhere. They don’t got plastic, either. And glass is real cheap and easy to carry there. Just got to make sure we get real simple designs, though. Also, make sure to sell them at high prices.”
“The Romans loved glass,” said Josh.
“Exactly,” said Jim. “I think if we can get some land, a warehouse, and get some people together, we can make them into a factory and produce a lot of goods. And as long as we control the technology we are bringing to Adrena and have people we can trust, I think things can really work out.”
“That sounds pretty awesome,” said Matt. “And it means we have to stick our necks on the line less.”
Aaron asked, “Wait, won’t selling glass attract attention to us?”
“Yeah,” said Daniel.
Jim looked thoughtful. “Uhm… good point.” He looked around. “Well, let’s explore that idea and talk to the merchants and see what we can do. I think we can sell through some intermediaries so it’s not traced back to us, or would be real difficult to.”
Jim paced. “The thing is, we need to be better organized, and I think it’s time I say this: I want you guys to formally recognize me as your leader.” He looked around slowly.
“Well, aren’t you?” asked Daniel.
“No, formally,” said Josh. “And I understand what you are saying, Jim. And ... yeah, I support you as our leader. You don’t do selfish things and you know Adrena and can handle it better then the rest of us.”
“You got the best head on your shoulders then anyone else, even Josh,” said Matt, grinning.
“Hey!” said Josh, looking hurt.
“I can’t see any reason to deny it to you,” said Terry.
“You got sense,” said Alex.
Aaron and the rest gave slight head nods.
“Okay,” said Jim. “Then let’s try to be a bit more military in how we do things, but I don’t mean like strict discipline, I mean, like... if we are part of a group and we aren’t doing anything serious, if you want to go take a piss, then tell the guy next to you, ‘Hey, I’m going to go wee.’ But I mean, if we are on mission, like how we were guarding that guy the other day, and you want to stop to use the restroom, better to ask me, you know? Because like you saw, those guys came out of nowhere to grab him.
“But that’s part of what Simon told us, to be organized, disciplined, to have a leader that everyone can trust and rely on. So I hope I can do that, but we have to talk to each other, so make sure you guys let me know what is going on, either with your lives, but really, when on Adrena. We need to stay in touch all the time, so I always know what’s going on. Like, especially if one of you guys notices something in the woods.
“Like in every movie we see, one guy sees something, doesn’t tell his buddies, and the next thing you know, the whole group is killed. Let’s not end up like that.”
“Totally,” chuckled Matt. “But does this mean you think you are better then me at fighting?” He gave Jim a smirk.
“No, you are still the best fighter amongst us, and as such, I need to control where I use you,” said Jim. “That’s the key reason why I want you guys to realize I am in charge and let me lead. If I tell Matt to do something, Matt, I hope you do it. I know what you can do, and I’d rather use you to the best of your ability, and in a way to keep all of us alive. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I understand,” said the boy.
“And Josh, you know magic better then me,” said Jim. “I need you to both protect us and keep us safe if you can.”
“Like how?” said the dark haired boy. “I can manipulate fire a little, and I know the mind control.”
“Didn’t you say you wanted to try a mind speech thing?”
“Oh yeah!” exclaimed Josh. “Nearly forgot. Okay, okay.” Josh stood up and talked excitedly. “Okay, everyone stand up, and stand in a circle. Yes, everyone. Okay, stand here, and here. Now, Jim and Matt, I want you guys to stand here and here. Alright. Perfect circle.” Josh stood at one side of the circle, Jim and Matt at equal distances between.
“Now,” said Josh. “Everyone, close your eyes.” Everyone did so. “And just clear your mind of all thoughts. Think of... a dark room. No lights. You can’t see anything. Think of the space between the stars even, for total darkness. Nothing is in your minds eye. Nothing but darkness, emptiness.
“Now, what I am going to do is I am going to project an invisible, magical stream of conscious energy into the air before me. It is invisible, but it is visible if you are using magic to look for it. Now, all of you guys can see it. Pretend your closed eyes can still see, in that dark, empty room, and your eyes can see magic, they can see it exist, as a sort of glowing space, hovering before your yes, unseen, can’t touch it, but it’s there. You can’t feel it, but your magical eyes can see it, can see it’s brightness, can sense it’s energy.
“Pretend you have a magical, invisible hand, and lifting it up, you take hold of that magical essence floating before your eyes and you draw it into yourself, connecting it to your brain. And we are linked together.”
The boys stood silent, facing each other in the circle, their eyes closed, their eyeballs moving back and forth. Two of them chuckled.
“Uhm,” said Matt.
Aaron cleared his throat.
They stood like this for minutes.
Josh opened his eyes. “And that, my friends, is mind speech.”
Jim and the rest opened their eyes. “It was like you were speaking to me, to all of us, just without saying a word,” said Jim. “It’s amazing. We were all connected, telepathically.”
“Magically,” said Josh. “It exists as a stream of conscious energy I am projecting and that you can all access into. You can each do it yourself. I think, using this thing will allow us to learn magic quicker. Because then I can show you through realistic interpretations, how to use magic.”
“Wait, could Matt not do that as well to teach us to fight better?” asked Jim.
“I could?” asked Matt.
“Yeah, I think he could,” said Josh. “It’s the same thing idea, you just project an image, like the mind suggestion trick, but unto that blankboard, as I call it, and as I was communicating with you guys, I started letting it go free, and just let the communication go as fast as I could make it. Did you guys keep up?”
“Oh yeah, totally,” said Terry.
“Yes,” said Jim.
“I noticed you were going fast,” said Aaron. “But I understood everything. It was amazing.”
“We can cut down conversations quickly, I can give you guys instruction, we can share information easier and quicker, we can stay in touch with each other if we are separated, too.”
“That’s pretty good,” said Jim. “We should definitely use this more.”
“And maybe it will help me with my insomnia,” said Josh. “If you guys are awake, you can keep me company.”
A few of the boys chuckled.
“I think we can do this thing, guys,” said Jim.
“So what made you choose this studio?” asked the man.
He unlocked a sturdy wooden door on the side of a building that featured different little businesses. The door he opened was between dark tinted windows and bore no marking but a number painted over the door.
“It’s large enough,” said Jim. “And the restroom. The office is a nice touch, too,” added Jim, smiling.
The door opened and they walked in.
Opening to the left, the door swung completely in. To the right was a wall that extend straight for a few feet then turned right, forming the office. The rest of the studio was bare with cement floor and plaster walls. A hallway was at the end of the studio with a door to an alley visible.
Jim strolled in and paced around the floor a little, using his body with his arms extended to measure the inside space.
“Yeah, we could cram everything in here,” muttered Jim.
“I’m sorry?” asked the man.
“Oh, I think this will work out perfectly,” said Jim. “Got the paperwork?”
“Sure, right here.” The man produced some documents from a folder he carried, offering Jim a pen.
Jim took the documents and held them against the wall. The man indicated where he should sign.
“I got to say, you look pretty young for an eighteen year old,” said the man, grinning.
“Yeah, everyone tells me that,” said Jim. “Even my driver’s license has a hard time of convincing them.”
“Yeah,” agreed the man with a slight grin.
The two were silent while Jim signed more documents.
“Well, looks like that’s it,” said the man. He handed a set of keys to Jim. “Two thousand a month to cover rent, water, electricity and other maintenance. And other then don’t bug the neighbors with your college business students and things, we’ll be fine.” He made his way for the door.
“Thanks again,” said Jim, grinning at the man.
“You sure you want glass mirrors on the walls?” asked Aaron. “What if we hit them with the weapons?”
He and Matt stood inspecting mirrors along the center of the wall to either side. They stood on a thick, hard pad.
“Well, don’t hit them,” said Matt. “I’m more worried about punching through the walls. That’s why I put up the particle board.” He looked at the work. “Maybe we could put up some plastic panels over the mirrors, then.”
“As soon as we get some money,” said Jim, coming out of the back of the studio, “we should convert these two bathrooms into toilet and showers. Since we got our own water heater, shouldn’t be an issue with the neighbors. Make it easier for coming and going to Adrena.”
“And what about the stinky clothes and towels?” asked Alex.
“We’ll buy a cheap little washer and dryer unit,” said Jim. “And put it in that broom closet with sink We’ll put lockers to hold our gear against the back wall, to the left, and a weapon’s locker to the right. So, easy for us to get into.”
Daniel and several other boys sat in a horseshoe formed by three couches next to the front entrance. “This as the gaming corner is awesome,” said Daniel as he and another boy furiously played on a video game.
A television was against the wall, sitting on a moving table, angled to face the occupants of the couches. The furniture opened to the rest of the studio.
Josh strolled out of the office. “Computer and the web are up,” said Josh. “I got us a separate line solely for web use.”
“A lot easier to ship and receive things we sell,” said Matt. “Using this place, I mean.”
“Yeah, seriously,” said Jim. “Hey, I just thought of something, shouldn’t we all be getting driver’s licenses?”
“Not all of us are fifteen and a half,” said Josh.
“But some of us are,” said Jim. “And how much more money are we making, Alex?”
“About ten thousand a month, now,” said the boy, staring at the tv screen.
“You know, I bet we could sell lessons in here,” said Jim, looking around. “And just tell people to not talk about us, you know?”
“Taking a chance,” said Josh. “What if someone gets hurt?”
“Haven’t you been looking into healing magic?” asked Jim.
Josh looked at him. “Healing magic?”
“Yeah!” exclaimed Jim. “Josh, seriously, I can only do so much leading you guys, and Matt fighting. When all else fails, we’re going to need you to keep us alive.”
Josh gulped. “Ah... okay, I’ll see what I can do about that.”
Jim grinned. “I know, man. Just pushing you a little, you know?” He smiled. “And I think Terry should learn as much healing magic as he can from you.”
Terry stopped playing. “What?” He looked to the screen. “Ah! Dangit!” He tossed his controller. He looked at Jim again. “Why should I be learning magic?”
“Healing magic,” said Jim. “If Josh gets hurt, someone needs to fix him. Better two of you know how to heal, then one, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah, that’s true,” said Terry, looking thoughtful.
“And Matt needs a guy who can fight as good as him,” said Jim.
“Isn’t that you?” asked Matt, grinning.
“Yeah, but what if I’m leading and can’t be fighting?” Jim grinned back. “I’m not going to ditch on my share of fighting, but you know, if I’m leading, I can’t be fighting, and if I’m fighting, I can’t be leading.”
“That’s true,” said Matt. “Simon was leading us more then fighting with us.”
Jim nodded. “So who wants to be Matt’s under study?”
The boys looked at each other.
“Aaron?” asked Jim.
“Me?” he looked about nervously. “I don’t know if I’m that good of a fighter yet.”
“Well, you can learn,” said Jim. “And it’s more like, you are bigger then the rest of us, you can be stronger. You just need to work out more.”
“I’ve lost weight since we started working out like five months ago,” said Matt.
“Once it warms up out there, I’m going to have us start jogging, too,” said Jim.
“Jogging?!” several boys exclaimed.
“We’re already working out one to two hours a night,” said Terry. “And with this studio so close to school, …. What are you going to have us do next weekend? Are we going to go to Adrena again?”
“To trade,” said Jim. “But we’ll do that in the evening. For Saturday morning, and Sunday morning, we should all come here and work out. Along with the daily work-out. And I’m going to add in magic practice, too.”
“This a lot of stuff you are wanting us to learn, Jim,” said Daniel.
“I know, but it’s making us better,” said Jim. “And realize that that is when we’ll be training. If you guys got homework, stuff to do, go do it. But if you can, come here and train.
“Look, all of you guys are stronger now then before you found out about Adrena, right?” The boys gave acknowledgment. “And we’ve all had sex, well, most of us, with one of those cute waitresses. And we are doing stuff we wouldn’t normally be doing, but it’s at a cost, and that cost is we have to really work at what we are doing. Also, it’s like this, if you want to do what I’m doing, you got to work with me, otherwise, you can do what Alex is doing, and that’s hauling stuff to the cave and back.
“And that reminds me,” said Jim, rubbing his head. “We got to find a better place to put that portal. I’m thinking we should move it to that inn at Helvin. The one run by Carlo.”
“Closer to cute chicks?” said Matt. “I can dig it.”
“I know what you’re talking about,” said Josh. “Just pay him for a room, and tell him not to poke his nose in it. But don’t you know that us disappearing into that room and coming back days later, will make him suspicious?”
“Well, we tell him the truth, or part of it,” said Jim. “That we are from another place. Use mind control to make him tell us the truth, and we just pay him off that he’ll never want to betray us. It can be easy.”
“Guess so,” said Josh.
“There’s also a bit more trading going on in Helvin,” said Terry. “We can sell more stuff and get more goods in return.”
“Yep,” said Jim, looking around the studio. “I think this will all work out nicely.”
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal
Why? Great game that it is, it's not going to give you nearly as much information as reading a book on ancient military tactics/weapons/armor.
In short a video game is not good research material, unless you're writing a paper about said video game.
edit: Goddamnit did you just post another fucking chapter? Go rewrite chapter 1 before you post anything new. I'm not reading any more unedited first drafts.
Only dialogue.
I just glanced over the last one.
Uhh...my suggestion is to make it into a movie.
Poorly done, but at least it'll use the...dialogue?
The dialogue could use some work too.
I'm Jacob Wilson. | facebook | thegreat2nd | [url="aim:goim?screenname=TheGreatSecond&message=Hello+from+the+Penny+Arcade+Forums!"]aim[/url]
I am a history buff and History Channel is my number one channel. I also read a lot of books and articles about historical subjects, too.
I used the "Total War" as a way to help me visualize certain aspects and methods of military affairs, and lifestyle. Also, you do realize that the descriptions for buildings and units in Total War are loaded with historical data.
TheGreat2nd,
My dad thinks I should try selling it as a screen play, too.
Wannabe writer (war, action, fantasy, history, power struggle), video gamer (strategy, simulation, action), former Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/user/skyanimal