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How to say sorry

Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
edited August 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
So I'm in a long-distance relationship with this girl I really love. It's a long story, and not really relevant so I won't go into it, but I fucked up bad. Basically, I did something bad enough to jeopardize our relationship. I want to save it, though.

What's the best way to show how sorry I am to her? I've called her and talked to her and all that, but she's still understandably very pissed at me. Should I send her flowers? A card? Or do I just wait until things simmer down and hope she doesn't leave me, even though I probably deserve to be left?

Muramasa18 on

Posts

  • FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Um... its a hard one without going into details. If you post what you did, you'll get more relevant info - but possibly some shit if it was stupid.

    Sometimes flowers and cards can be nice - but usually if its not too major - otherwise it can come across as superficial.

    Short story: Fine line.

    Maybe a letter? But then if it was your fault, you dont want to seem like you're making excuses. Sometimes it takes a bit of space.

    hmm, its all a bit generic - but it sounds kinda like you know what you're in for.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • TubeTube Says some shit Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited August 2007
    If you've said sorry, that's all you can do. Leave her alone. If she wants to contact you, she will. If not, well it's your own fault isn't it?

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    listen to tube. Cards and flowers are for 1) holidays and 2) the anniversary of the day you messed up

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Whenever you apologize you should be sincere if you feel your in the wrong. Don't bother with apologies if you don't feel bad or don't think you're in the wrong.

    But at this point listen to Tube.

  • WerrickWerrick Registered User
    edited August 2007
    What did she say? Did she indicate to you that she wanted time?

    Depending on how bad it is sending flowers might actually make it worse. That can be seen, at times, as either attempting to buy your way out of trouble, or trivializing what you did by approaching the situation with the idea that flowers might make it all better. Not to mention the fact that by doing so you might well create an association so that anytime you give her flowers from that point on she'll associate with whatever you did.

    Flowers to your mate are for good times and for no good reason. This business about sending flowers to one's girlfriend when they fuck up is a very bad idea.

    If she told you that she wanted time, then leave her alone for a while. If a week goes by that she's still silent, then call her or send her an email (whichever is more appropriate). She knows your sorry, groveling won't do you any good, at least not if she's any person of quality. No doubt there will be more discussion, but you fucked up so you have to do things on her terms. That means that you talk about it when she wants to talk about it, and you don't talk about it when she doesn't want to talk about it.

    Be honest, be genuine and mean what you say. Don't say anything that you think that she might want to hear, tell the truth. Be a man and own your shit. Everybody fucks up now and again and some shit is worse than others. It could be that she decides that she can't be with you no matter how sorry you are, and if that's the price you pay for fucking up, then that's the way it is.

    If she decides not to leave, then learn from her about forgiveness. If she decides to leave you then learn from that about trust and what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship.

    "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be rude without having their skulls split, as a general thing."

    -Robert E. Howard
    Tower of the Elephant
  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Thanks for all the help, especially Tube and Werrick. She knows how sorry I am and how bad I feel, and she said she probably won't leave me, but she told me not to talk to her until the weekend. I guess I'll see where things go from there...thanks again all.

  • TubeTube Says some shit Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited August 2007
    Wait for her to call you. No matter what. If she never does, tough break. Don't call.

  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Wait for her to call you. No matter what. If she never does, tough break. Don't call.

    I don't know if never calling her whens he indicated she wants to talk is appropriate either.

    If she said she wanted to talk this weekend and doesn't call, I'd probably call/e-mail/text (whichever is their favored method of communication) on Monday/Tuesday and just leave a quick message (or say if she picked up) how you were looking forward to talking with her and (if this was a message) hope to hear from her sometime this week.... basically a last ditch effort to show you do care and leave it in her court.... but that'd be it... no more calls after that, no "'I thought I heard the phone ringing in the shower" bs... just a one time call/message to make sure she knows the ball is in her court and that you get that.

  • Doc HollidayDoc Holliday Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    When I was on the rocks with my girl regarding something she considered very serious, I actually wrote her a letter about it. I was as sincere and honest as possible, and it was a good outlet for the emotions I was going through at the time.

    She appreciated it and we've beem married for awhile now.

    As far as "leave her alone", this is not advice I would follow personally, so be aware that it's not applicable to all situations. Some people just like being pursued and consoled when they feel damaged. It really depends on the way they were brought up.

    PSN & Live: buckwilson
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    If she said she wanted to talk this weekend and doesn't call, I'd probably call/e-mail/text (whichever is their favored method of communication) on Monday/Tuesday and just leave a quick message (or say if she picked up) how you were looking forward to talking with her and (if this was a message) hope to hear from her sometime this week.... basically a last ditch effort to show you do care and leave it in her court....

    Yes, do that.

    The fact that she says she knows how sorry you are is a good sign that she still has some measure of faith in you, so all is not lost.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Whatever you did to put your relationship at risk has put your girlfriend in a very difficult and likely very dark place. There are no quick fixes to this kind of situation...usually just saying you're sorry and even meaning it aren't enough. You have to work to rebuild the relationship and any trust lost. This is going to require considerable effort on your part and your girlfriend, when she's ready, will most likely tell you what that effort will need to be.

    If you want to salvage the relationship, do it and do more. You need to show her how important she is to you. You may also have to cut behaviors or elements that led to whatever happened out of your life. You do not have an easy road ahead of you. Just remember, as difficult as it is for you, if she loves you and is worth the effort, it's just as difficult for her.

  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Yeah, I understand. She has a history of past boyfriends fucking up like I did, too, so that probably makes it even worse for her.

    I want to try and salavage the relationship, and I want to rebuild her trust in me. I think I need to give her time to decide if she even wants to be with me anymore, though.

  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    After everything's cooled down, if you really want to show her still that you're a new person, go out to her if you can afford it. It'll help the relationship pull back together.

    Picture1-4.png
  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Unfortunately, going to see her any time in the next few months is impossible due to distance, and schedules and all. I probably won't be able to see her until december.

    Nothing for it but to wait for her I guess.

  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Urgh, I feel so terrible about this whole thing. If she decides to stay with me that's more than I freakin deserve.

  • snowkissedsnowkissed Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Relationships can suck sometimes, especially long-distance ones. Hang in there. :) If it's meant to be, things will be fine. If not, it's a lesson learned.

    I know.. easier said than done.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I am more familiar with the challenges of long distance relationships than I'd like to be, so I understand where you're coming from with the schedules thing. That said, if she says she needs you to come out and see her before December, you need to find a way to make that happen. I'm not saying that it will fix the situation or that your relationship is doomed if you don't, but it's a very clear way that you can show that she is important to you.

    Again, take your cues from her and be ready to go into the painful, dark place with her. Do not be a bystander to her pain. Depending on what happened, it may take years before this is over, but you have to get through it together.

  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    There's also the fact that I can't really afford to buy a plane ticket right now - she lives on the other side of the atlantic ocean.

    I know the relationship is worth saving. It's been nothing but fantastic up to this point. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Muramasa18 wrote: »
    There's also the fact that I can't really afford to buy a plane ticket right now - she lives on the other side of the atlantic ocean.

    I know the relationship is worth saving. It's been nothing but fantastic up to this point. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

    So... just a crazy idea, but how much financial trouble would you get yourself into if you bit the bullet and bought a ticket to go see her? If she means that much to you, surprising her with a visit might be a good way to soften her heart. It's kind of a grand, romantic gesture often found in cheesy chick-flicks, but I think it would speak volumes of your devotion. I'm sure she realizes how impractical it would be for you to spend that much money and to put your daily life on hold just to see her, and thus realize how much she means to you.

    Anyway, just tossing that out there. It's a crazy, risky scheme and might backfire, but hey, you only live once.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Yeah, we're also both in college so I couldn't exactly take that time out of my classes, heh, but that'd sure be a surprise.

  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    So... just a crazy idea, but how much financial trouble would you get yourself into if you bit the bullet and bought a ticket to go see her? If she means that much to you, surprising her with a visit might be a good way to soften her heart. It's kind of a grand, romantic gesture often found in cheesy chick-flicks, but I think it would speak volumes of your devotion. I'm sure she realizes how impractical it would be for you to spend that much money and to put your daily life on hold just to see her, and thus realize how much she means to you.

    Anyway, just tossing that out there. It's a crazy, risky scheme and might backfire, but hey, you only live once.

    I have a friend that did this when her SO screwed up, she flew down to see him to work things out... He didn't even show up to the airport to meet her after she called him to come pick her up, then stopped answering his phone. She wound up having to fly back home devastated after putting out so much to go there.

    Not saying this would happen to the OP, just that if it goes bad... it can pretty much make a bad situation worse AND screw you financially.

    It can be quite romantic if it goes well, but yeah... risky, especially in a questionable time. I'd say if he's going to go fly out there, that's the kind of thing you have to make sure is expected and arranged.

  • dvshermandvsherman Registered User
    edited August 2007
    Hand write a letter. On some nice stationery. Make it obvious you put some effort into it. Do not include your ear. That no one does this anymore, plus the clarity required to put your thoughts on the situation to paper, will make an impression on her. Include an invitation to call if she feels things are worth working out, and follow the advice to not call her first.

    Then you're not appearing as though you're trying to buy your way out with flowers or jewelry or whatever, and you're not being pushy. You might actually come across as being romantic. Unless, that is, what you did wrong was to stick your penis into a person not your significant other.

  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I want to re-emphasize that making it happen as far as going out there is only if she says this is necessary for her. I would not recommend doing it as a grand romantic gesture or as a surprise. Also, it might only be for a weekend - then you'd probably miss two to three days of classes.

  • Muramasa18Muramasa18 Registered User
    edited August 2007
    I think I'll write her a hand-written letter. Thanks all.

  • Doc HollidayDoc Holliday Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Muramasa18 wrote: »
    I think I'll write her a hand-written letter. Thanks all.

    :^:

    Worked for me. Good luck with everything. Long distance relationships are tough but if she's worth pursuing, then by all means pursue her. When my wife finally moved to the town I live in (6 months after marriage, actually), it was the greatest thing ever!

    PSN & Live: buckwilson
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