Vanilla Forums has been nominated for a second time in the CMS Critic "Critic's Choice" awards, and we need your vote! Read more here, and then do the thing (please).
Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

Meeting people/social life.

CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
edited August 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
I was homebound in middleschool
Went to a small highschool of 100 students. Most of which were potheads, and I was a goody two shoes nerd. I didnt make many friends there. Then I dropped out and got a GED

I work in the produce department of a grocery store. The only person there in my age demographic (Im 20 this sunday) cares about nothing in life but getting drunk and laid. I personally, and seeking neither.

The only people I really hang out with are my sister/her husband, sometimes a girl from work that I know, and once in a blue moon an old friend. The latter 2 are usually busy with school/work/family though.

So for the longest time, my social life has consisted of playing MMOs and FPSes. This is no longer acceptable to me. I am off Tuesday-Sunday, only having to work for 4 hours friday evening. I have seasons passes to 2 of the biggest theme parks on the east coast, and virtually no plans to do anything this week. I recently started Brazilian JiujJitsu classes, and go shooting every now and then with my dad and some guys he used to work with. I go to church on sundays, but everyone there is really old.

Thts pretty much the extent of my friends/social life

So uh. How do I do this whole.. being social/making friends/meeting people.. thing?

CangoFett on
«1

Posts

  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Join more clubs. If you're looking for men, go to JiuJitsu and stuff, for females look at the less aggressive activities.

    Go to bars with a the produce guy as a wingman, hit on girls. Going on dates will make you feel much more connected.

    Does this guy go to parties that you could tag along with? You neither have to drink nor get laid.

  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Im not sure there is much in the way of clubs around here. Even if there was, thats not exactly my style. The produce guy doesnt go to any party other than for the purpose of getting drunk or laid, and I dont wanna hang around a bunch of people who also want to just drink and get laid. Thats a decent sized part of my problem, i'm thinking.

  • aesiraesir __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2007
    The fact that you have a problem with people who want to have sex and like drinking is a bit odd and you might want to try and think about why that is. Having sex is not a negative thing. Nor is attempting to have sex. Drinking is also a pleasurable activity. Both of course can be taken too far, but in of themselves, they are not bad things.

    Also, the majority of EVERYONE is trying to get laid one way or another.

    Why is it that you don't want a relationship?

  • DjiemDjiem Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    aesir wrote: »
    The fact that you have a problem with people who want to have sex and like drinking is a bit odd and you might want to try and think about why that is. Having sex is not a negative thing. Nor is attempting to have sex. Drinking is also a pleasurable activity. Both of course can be taken too far, but in of themselves, they are not bad things.

    Also, the majority of EVERYONE is trying to get laid one way or another.

    Why is it that you don't want a relationship?

    No, he said he had a problem with people who think life revolves only around sex and drinking. And frankly, I personally don't find drinking to be a pleasurable activity at all.

  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Religious reasons, entirely. I practice abstinence for that reason. I dont drink because
    1) Im under age
    2) My dad is a cop and I live at home, so even if I wanted to, I wouldnt.

    Also, alcoholism runs in my family, I think. So even when I'm of age, I plan to be really careful about that.

    I am not avoiding a relationship aesir. In fact, I would much enjoy one, but Im not gonna bother unless its with a girl of similar beliefs/convictions. Im not saying that girls that do the whole pre-marital sex thing are evil, or bad people, but its not something Im going to have in a relationship.

  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    There's nothing wrong with going to a party, not drinking, and just talking to people. Seriously, it isn't that big of a deal, and if it is you're going to the wrong parties.

    The only problem I can see with this approach is a commonly made mistake: detaching yourself from speaking to anyone who is a girl or is drinking because you perceive that all they want to do is drink or have sex. Just talk to people who are drinking anyway, it's not like every single person there will be so totally wasted you can't talk to them at all, you can always find someone who is still sober enough to talk. Just be personable, don't talk about videogames (even if you want to, that's not conversation for a party), and, to reiterate, talk to everyone you can.

    Picture1-4.png
  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    There's nothing wrong with going to a party, not drinking, and just talking to people. Seriously, it isn't that big of a deal, and if it is you're going to the wrong parties.

    The only problem I can see with this approach is a commonly made mistake: detaching yourself from speaking to anyone who is a girl or is drinking because you perceive that all they want to do is drink or have sex.

  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Well, see, Ive had the chance to talk to a few others at the store, as well as this guy, and pretty much all they talk about is drinking, and having sex. Like, thats it. Anything this guy talks about is either A) Drinking, B) Hooking up with a girl, or C) Shooting an animal, usually while drinking

    Same with the few people Ive talked to from the front of the store, they are all just huge partiers/drinkers.

    Im not saying that everyone is like that, Im sure there are others who arent so focused on such things. I just dont know how to find/meet them

  • Steel AngelSteel Angel Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    aesir wrote: »
    Drinking is also a pleasurable activity.
    CangoFett wrote: »
    (Im 20 this sunday)

    Unless his particular state has laws that say otherwise, drinking is out of the equation anyway.

    As for the OP, what kind of area do you live in? Judging by the sound of things, I'm going to guess a suburban or ruralish area. What state would help too. Someone may have more specific ideas.

    As for more general advice, you could try to find out if anyone from church has relatives or the like around your age in the area. While I'm in a similar boat of needing to branch out my social life more, most of the friends I do see these days are ones I originally met due to being kids/nephews/nieces/grandkids of my grandmother's friends. Not sure if that'll do any good in your case unless there are some social events that said older people can convince their younger relations to go to, but it's worth considering. The social networks of older folks can run deep and wide.

    Big Dookie wrote: »
    I found that tilting it doesn't work very well, and once I started jerking it, I got much better results.

    Steam Profile
    3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
  • aesiraesir __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2007
    Alright thats cool. I have two good friends who are straight edge, in that they won't drink, ever, or have sex before marriage. However, I still go to bars with them and have a great time. They make great wingmen and designated drivers. They like going to bars because they're a fun place to hang out, they can dance or play pool or darts or whatever depending on the bar, and they can meet interesting people. Thats practically the whole purpose of a bar. Meeting people. Lots of girls who don't drink or wouldn't have sex before marriage still go to bars with their friends. I know several. Of course most of them still drink... but the sex thing they're quite adamant on. You're definitely going to have a hard time meeting the perfect girl, but frankly, all of us have that problem. I haven't met a girl I've liked in ages.

    I dont mean this post to seem like bars will solve your problems but it seems like you're cutting youself off from a lot of people.

    I also agree with the suggestion about finding various clubs. Regardless of where you are, there is usually a lot of things going on that you can get involved in.

    Put yourself in the path of strangers.

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Cango, why do you work in a produce department?

    Also, seriously, dude, if you're wrong about premartial sex you can't go back and have it

    just sayin' :)

    You should meet some interesting cats in jiujitsu.

    Just remember, when it comes to parties and such, you can be as "moral" as you want, but you need to not judge people and meet them anyway. Also, don't stress in conversation that you "don't believe in premarital sex" - that screams "churchy, uptight, dude"

    Just be quiet about your beliefs and talk it over with the girl after you meet her.

    Also, for the love of pete, dude, people who talk about drinking and sex all the time DONT ACTUALLY JUST DRINK AND HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME.

    most of the time they can't get laid in a coffin

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    CangoFett wrote: »
    Im not saying that everyone is like that, Im sure there are others who arent so focused on such things. I just dont know how to find/meet them

    Through these guys. Work the social network. Just because they're hardcore, chances are their friends might not be. Parties are a great way to meet lots of different people.

    If your social network is small, it's pretty much your only option.

  • FirstComradeStalinFirstComradeStalin Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Another idea, just tossing it out there, I also suggested this in a similar thread:

    What do you want to do with your life? I'm sure your dreams extend beyond the produce section. Go to college, trade school, whatever it is you need to do what you want to do with your life. If you can't afford school full-time, go part-time and try to earn scholarships (join the army if that's your kind of thing).

    It's much easier to meet people when you're doing something with your life.

    Also consider moving to big city, if you're not in one already. The urban environment is much easier to find people of similar interests as you. I live in a small town of 3k people, though I go to school in a big city. The small town life feels like a trap to me that limits your options and forces you to socialize and become like the people around you even if you don't associate with them. With a city, it's your call.

    Picture1-4.png
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Lewisham wrote: »
    CangoFett wrote: »
    Im not saying that everyone is like that, Im sure there are others who arent so focused on such things. I just dont know how to find/meet them

    Through these guys. Work the social network. Just because they're hardcore, chances are their friends might not be. Parties are a great way to meet lots of different people.

    If your social network is small, it's pretty much your only option.

    see, this is important. Don't just write off every social gathering as "everyone at these things just wants to drink and screw"

    There might be a couple people that don't. You might meet new people, hear about a new job, etc.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Okay, being more open minded to the whole bar thing is something ill do. Theres also the whole micro aspect of meeting people. Like, actually talking to them. How does that even work? Ive never done the whole initiate a conversation or whatever thing. Ever.


    Cache, I work in produce because, um. They hired me? Not planning on being there too long. But its better than nothing. And im not all preachy about the abstinence stuff, and usually not much on the judging thing. I understand that my way of doing things based off an old book written by a guy who says hes listening to an invisible sky wizard, may seem just a bit weird to others.

    I might talk to the dude I work with about the whole parties/get together thing, dunno.


    As far as what I want to do: Public service. Gonna end up either in a local police department, VA state police, or Fire department. The local departments around here will hire without a college degree, and will also pay for any schooling they take after hired. So thats my goal/plan.

    Moving away isnt much of an option. Beyond just the financial reasons, our family is really tight. My sister lives next door, thats how tight. Moving way out of here isnt gonna work.

    I live in South East VA. Not too far from Busch Gardens/Water Country.

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I don't mean you're walking up to people and yelling "SINNER" or anything.

    I mean, you're depriving yourself of potential social avenues because you've pre-judged their nature as wholly antithetical to yours.

    Besides, you're gonna have to learn to tolerate drunk people if you're going to be a cop.

    Also, you're a smart goddamn kid have you thought about at least getting like, a CJ associates before you go into law enforcement? I know they WILL hire you without one and will at least pay for your academy, but you seem like you could go to college without a huge outlay, at least community college.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • ApexMirageApexMirage Registered User
    edited August 2007
    I used to have a season pass for the local amusement park here, i'd always find fun trying to weasel a spot next to a girl just for the hell of it, or anyone who'd look like a decent person (riding next to some old guy is never fun anyway)
    Waiting lines are great for complaining about wait times or asking for the time, which just might turn into an aquantance.
    On the off chance they live in town and also have a season pass, you might suggest meeting again on another day - be creative and don't be afraid to say something stupid, odds are you'll never see them again anyway.

    I'd love to be the one disappoint you when I don't fall down
  • tdonlantdonlan Registered User
    edited August 2007
    This might be unpopular advice on this board, but given that you've expressed religious ideals - try church? Lots of them have socials for young people, etc. And most of them will be relatively "on track" - the opposite of "produce guy."

    ==========
    |daydalus.net|
    ==========
  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    tdonlan wrote: »
    This might be unpopular advice on this board, but given that you've expressed religious ideals - try church? Lots of them have socials for young people, etc. And most of them will be relatively "on track" - the opposite of "produce guy."

    Why would that be unpopular?

    The only reason I didn't suggest it is that he sounded like he wanted to expand his network, and it seemed like he would have tried church already.

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    he said his church was "all old people"

    As far as talking to people, you just . . . go for it, I guess. Just don't threaten or insult them, and usually you'll get some sort of interaction...

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Theres a pretty big church down the road that i think has some sort of social gathering thing, I dunno the details.

    And Cache, its not so much that im like, "Hey you guys are bad people, I dont wanna hang out with you" as it is the guy has pretty much said, "Dude were gonna get you so drunk and so laid"

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Well, just . . . go to the party.

    Believe me, they aren't going to hold you down, manual stimulate you to erection, and then force a girl onto you.

    You can still cheerfully blow any opportunities for sex and drinking they send your way.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • virgilsammsvirgilsamms Registered User
    edited August 2007
    CangoFett wrote: »
    Religious reasons, entirely.

    Church? Seems like a good place to meet people with similar belief systems.

  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2007
    There is this website that you should check out.

    It lets you run searches based on your interests and join groups of like-minded people who meet regularly.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • Limp mooseLimp moose Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Join the army. You will meet tons of interesting people.

  • LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Limp moose wrote: »
    Join the army. You will meet tons of interesting people.

    I seriously don't recommend joining the army to get friends.

  • Limp mooseLimp moose Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Perhaps not. What I should have said is maybe try and find a job where you will work with people who share your interests and ambitions. If you are a very spiritual person perhaps you should look into something church related. Maybe be a consoler at a summer camp (sort of late in the summer for this one) or look into going back to school?

    I guess it might help to be in a place where there are more people your age who share your ideology. For example. Most people make friends in school and then at work. They might date outside this sphere and make more friends in other school/work networks. But if in your case you are not planning on making any friends at work because they do things you dont like. And you are no longer in school this leaves you few avenues to make new friends in a small / rural area.

    While joining the army to make friends is sort of a last ditch effort. The idea is that maybe you should broaden your horizons a little bit. I would def look for a new job with more people your age. You can work in any grocery store I am sure there is one that isnt filled with sex crazed alcoholics.

  • IrohIroh Registered User
    edited August 2007
    The only secret to this really is just getting outside your comfort zone. Just because something isn't your cup of tea now doesn't mean you should be reluctant to try it.

    However, this also doesn't mean that you should be reckless and throw yourself into compromising situations. If you aren't interested in drinking, then don't do it. People that try and get to you to aren't the kind you want to make friends with in the first place. Same goes for any other activity you come across.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2007
    Lewisham wrote: »
    Limp moose wrote: »
    Join the army. You will meet tons of interesting people.

    I seriously don't recommend joining the army to get friends.

    Hahahah, yeah, that was fucking stupid advice.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • desperaterobotsdesperaterobots Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    I went through a year or so of feeling disconnected from people even though I worked at a place full of people my age and who shared similar interests. It was more about me than those surrounding me, but at the time I was certain I was just too different for people to be friends with. It's hard to accept but sometimes you are your own worst enemy when it comes to making friends.

    Eventually I started just going out to clubs and stuff by myself. I randomly bumped in to people I knew who introduced me to their friends. I'm much happier now.

    If there are places you can go where people are open to talking to you (ie they may be a bit tipsy) this may be a good way to meet others. Look at it as an opportunity to build your conversation skills.

  • Shazkar ShadowstormShazkar Shadowstorm Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    If there are any colleges near by and you could sign up for gym membership there or something, maybe you could join a BJJ club there. I guess this is a very off chance they have one, but I do BJJ at college and made lots of friends through it because the people are closer to my age (whereas when I do it at home the age is way spread out).

    | Steam & XBL: Shazkar | 3DS: 3110-5421-3843 | SS Wishlists |
  • Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Being you're seemingly quite religious, aren't there any church groups/social societies you can join through them? I'm not religious myself but have a couple of friends who are and they go to loads of church nights out and what not.

    Steam: Sir_Grinch
    PSN: SirGrinchX
    Xbox Live: SirGrinch X
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Since you're interested in public service and most likely want to meet people who are similar to you in a few respects with regard to that, you might try volunteering. It's a great way to meet people. You might meet some people who are older, but there will probably be some young people in the mix as well.

    There's no reason you should have to go to bars if you don't enjoy that scene. Whether or not everyone there is trying to get drunk and laid, it sounds like you're not comfortable. Also, since you're looking to make friends, you probably want them to have similar interests...so do a group activity that interests you.

  • HorusHorus Los AngelesRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    OMG that Meetup.com is so awesome, I found a local Photography group near where I live. This is soo freaking awesome. Thank you whoever posted it, this is so awesome.

    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
    ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2007
    no problem.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • Steel AngelSteel Angel Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    CangoFett wrote: »
    Okay, being more open minded to the whole bar thing is something ill do. Theres also the whole micro aspect of meeting people. Like, actually talking to them. How does that even work? Ive never done the whole initiate a conversation or whatever thing. Ever.

    Two ways. First, there's standard getting to know someone questions like asking them where they go to school or work, their major, what major or work involves and then listening to what they say.

    The second that ties into the first is to be able to interject a relevant comment or story into the conversation. Being able to do this requires actually learning about stuff or listening/reading what other people say, but if you're a regular on these forums that shouldn't be too hard. Humor is good.

    Basically you let them talk until they start running out of things to say, after which they ask you a question or you find something to mention to keep the conversation going.

    Big Dookie wrote: »
    I found that tilting it doesn't work very well, and once I started jerking it, I got much better results.

    Steam Profile
    3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
  • GeodGeod swim, swim, hungryRegistered User regular
    edited August 2007
    A few people have said it already - Church. I'm not a big drinker, partier, bar goer, etc, either so I meet a lot of my friends through church, knowing that they'll have generally similar interests/ethics. You do have to get out of your comfort zone though, and if there aren't many people your age that go to your church, check out a different one. If you live close enough to Williamsburg, there should be plenty about. Some church services are made for your age group.

    Another good thing that was mentioned was is to get involved more with the Brazilian JiujJitsu thing, and meet some people there. Or use that Meetup thing if it works. Interests are a good way to make friends, after all I'm sure the main reason that the majority of people are on these boards is video games.

    Now, I shall check out the meetup thing myself. Good luck!

    XBL/PSN: Qamel NNI: Quamel 3DS Code: 0774 4249 8305
    PAX East 2014 Omeganaut
    http://www.pinnypals.com/?tab=pals&username=geod
  • LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    There is this website that you should check out.

    It lets you run searches based on your interests and join groups of like-minded people who meet regularly.

    I've always had trouble connecting with people, being very introverted, and MeetUp.com helped me greatly because I could look for people who were interested in the same things I was, which gave us common ground to start talking.

  • HythlothHythloth Registered User
    edited August 2007
    CangoFett, I wish you a lot of luck! I'm sure you probably have, but have you ever considered MySpace?

  • BartholamueBartholamue Registered User regular
    edited August 2007
    Facebook is good too.

    Steam- SteveBartz Xbox Live- SteveBartz PSN Name- SteveBartz
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.