[Phalla] Through The Greatwood - Finale: A Hero's Return (Good Guys Win!)

Locus

Opening Narration, Part I:

Spoiler:

It was approximately three hours after sunrise when the first scout returned and reported that the army of the World’s Edge was in sight. Sir Furic smiled and turned to his second-in-command, Sir Hylian.

“They come at us with the bulk of their forces,” he said. “Today will be the day we crush them, once and for all. Today will be remembered as the day that the Gray Wolf won this war, and claimed the entire north as their own.”

Sir Hylian could do nothing but smile and nod. He had seen the tactical prowess of Sir Furic countless times before. He always seemed to know what he was doing, and he always seemed to come out the victor. And, unlike those other knights who commanded from afar, Sir Furic was not afraid to get close to the battle, for his combat skills were just as good, if not better than, his tactical skills. What Sir Furic was counting on in this particular battle was a new shipment of arms, recently delivered from the House of the Eternal Flame. He had commissioned the best weapons from the best weaponsmith, hoping that with new arms he would have an ultimate advantage against the World’s Edge.

Since the sky was cover from end to end in clouds, both armies had begun their march through the Greatwood at what they believed to be dawn. Even when they were several kilometers away, both sides could hear the crunching of snow beneath the feet of their enemy. For several hours the armies marched through the dense forest, moving slow and methodically, with the commanders trying to avoid dividing their armies or walking into an unexpected trap. After several hours of marching, Sir Hylian heard a voice. “The enemy! I see the enemy!” it said.

Sir Hylian immediately turned to Sir Furic and said, “The enemy has spotted us. They must be close. One of our soldiers will undoubtedly engage before we give the order. They can smell the victory already.”

“Then let them engage,” Sir Furic replied. “Fortune favors the bold.” Sure enough, a moment later Sir Hylian spotted several soldiers break rank, and with a shout they began to run towards. The rest of the Gray Wolf soldiers quickly realized what was happening, and they moved as one towards the enemy, Sir Hylian and Sir Furic leading the way. The World’s Edge prepared for the rush, their shields and swords at the ready, until the Gray Wolf fell upon them in a great wave. A ferocious battle ensued, and neither side gave an inch; the Gray Wolf fought for glory, the World’s Edge fought for the survival of their House.

Amidst the din of battle a shattering sound echoed through the forest. It was quickly followed by several more occurrences of the same sound. So strange was this sound to the soldiers that each one stopped and looked to see what had made the peculiar noise. The sight of two opposing armies facing each other, gazing about in confusion was surely a sight to behold. Then, from the army of the World’s Edge came a cry. “It is their armaments!” it said excitedly. “They are crumbling under our blows!”

Sir Hylian’s eyes widened. “This is treachery!” he cried. “We are betrayed!” The order did not even have to be given. Every single soldier from the Gray Wolf dropped his weapon at once, and it filled the forest with the sound of shattering metal, as if a thousand panes of glass had broken at the same time. Then, for the first time since Sir Furic took command of the army, they turned and fled from their enemy.

“Hunt them down!” growled a knight from within the ranks of the World’s Edge. “Don’t let a single cub escape! I want you to bring me the lifeless body of that dog, Furic! Kill them! Slaughter them! MASSACRE THEM!” A great roar came up from the army of the World’s Edge, and the entirety of the Greatwood shook. The men of the Gray Wolf could feel it in their bones, the bloodlust of their enemy. Their many years of victory would now be revenged in one day.

The Gray Wolf soldiers did not even bother to turn around as the World’s Edge thundered towards them, swords drawn, a war cry coming from the mouth of each and every one of them. The Gray Wolf could not move fast enough, hampered as they were by the snow and the many trees, and within moments the World’s Edge had descended upon them. The Gray Wolf soldiers died not one at a time, but by tens and by twenties. The World’s Edge was relentless, and they killed indiscriminately. Veterans and novices, old and young, knights and foot soldiers, all fell under the blades of the World’s Edge. Sir Hylian, his sword one of the few that had not been destroyed, tried his best to help his comrades escape. But as skilled as he was with his sword, he could only fight so many people at once, and eventually he too had to flee for his life, lest he be overrun like all the others.

The killing did not end until the sun finally broke through the blanket of grey clouds, just before it set beyond the horizon. The snow that had just fallen pure white the night before was now stained a dark crimson. Splatters of blood could be found on almost every object in the forest. It became nearly impossible to walk without stepping on some former body part of a Gray Wolf soldier. Sir Hylian wished to go back, to see if anyone had survived, but he knew he could not. He had to press onwards, and return to the Frostlands to let everyone know what had happened. He feared this was a blow from which the House of the Gray Wolf would not recover.

Opening Narration, Part II
Night One Narration. Narration Addendum.
Night Two Narration.
Night Three Narration
Night Four Narration
Night Five Narration
Night Six Narration
Night Seven Narration
Final Narration

Player list:

1. Jester313 - Disloyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Poisoned
2. DËTHKÖK - Disloyal Actor from the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
3. MrBallbaggins - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Throat Slit
4. Hakkekage - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Overdosed and stabbed
5. visiblehowl - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
6. DevoutlyApathetic - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Throat slit
7. precisionk - Loyal Soldier of the World's Edge - Overdosed
8. Niceguy Myeye - Devout Convert of the Transcendent Truth - Furic'd
9. Frosteey - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Overdosed
10. PsychoCucumber - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
11. iamtheaznman - Loyal Mercenary of the Iron Gate - Furic'd
12. Bliss 101 - Devout Convert of the Transcendent Truth - TehSpectre'd
13. Fembot - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Beheaded
14. Zot - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
15. Ardor - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Poisoned
16. Grundlterror - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Overdosed
17. Telcus - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Stabbed
18. Nion - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
19. Elendil - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Throat slit
20. thorpe - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
21. DamnedLibrarian - Devout Convert of the Transcendent Truth - Stabbed
22. Gorilla Salad - Loyal Knight of the Lightning Warrior - Furic'd
23. TehSpectre - Loyal Ranger of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
24. FreeAgent - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
25. Typhus733 - Furic's Confidant and Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Stabbed
26. Balefuego - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd (inactivity)
27. Anaximander - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
28. Xevo - Reformed Thief from the Gray Wolf - Dagger'd
29. zal - Loyal Citizen of the World's Edge - Furic'd
30. Squashua - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Stabbed?
31. B:L - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
32. robothero - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
33. durax - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
34. cheez - Loyal Mercenary from the Iron Gate - Overdosed
35. Oatway - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Frozen (inactivity)
36. TrueNeverborn - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - TehSpectre'd
37. Variable - Loyal Mercenary of the Iron Gate - Frozen (inactivity)
38. Zerinan - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Furic'd
39. Raakam - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Stabbed
40. Plutonium - Loyal Soldier of the Gray Wolf - Throat slit

telcus

I don't think that DA or Ardor has the right policies to meet my pig loving needs. Unless I can find a candidate that I can 'get behind', my vote, as well as the votes of the PFU (Pig Fuckers Union), stays on myself.

Locus

All role PMs have now been sent out. If you did not get one, then something is terribly wrong and you should inform me immediately. Now I will write out the second part of the opening narration so you know why you are voting to kill people and why you are voting for an investigator.

telcus

Locus wrote: »

All role PMs have now been sent out. If you did not get one, then something is terribly wrong and you should inform me immediately. Now I will write out the second part of the opening narration so you know why you are voting to kill people and why you are voting for an investigator.

I hope it has nothing to do with swine fornication.

Hakkekage

Ardor wrote: »

Well, wanted to stay up to get my role pm so now I'm gonna go to bed.

For attempting to destroy her in the last phalla, I can at least show some goodwill here and Vote Hakkekage!

<3 <3 <3

But I would make a botch of it. I can barely formulate a coherent sentence, so I !vote Ardor because you are all cool when you're not evil

Spoiler:

Here's hoping he's not evil please please oh lawd

DevoutlyApathetic

TehSpectre wrote: »

I am gonna vote for my buddy, DevoutlyApathetic.

Why not.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

This is some kind of plan to get me killed, isn't it?

P10

telcus wrote: »

Locus wrote: »

All role PMs have now been sent out. If you did not get one, then something is terribly wrong and you should inform me immediately. Now I will write out the second part of the opening narration so you know why you are voting to kill people and why you are voting for an investigator.

I hope it has nothing to do with swine fornication.

Pig fornication?
And I thought my job sucked
My hat off to you.

WhiteZinfandel

I !vote for Telcus the pig fucker. I mean, come on, he fucks pigs. As for the investigator... I hear you're a girl, Hakkekage.

Xevo

God Hakke, with that avatar and all those fancy trimmings, you are simply irresistable now! What a clever ploy to stay alive in a Phalla... =P

P10

Don't judge Telcus, man
Once I screwed animals
It ain't glamorous

Plutonium

Xevo wrote: »

God Hakke, with that avatar and all those fancy trimmings, you are simply irresistable now! What a clever ploy to stay alive in a Phalla... =P

<3 Browncoats

telcus

It's a tough job, but someone has to do it. Those pigs ain't gonna fuck themselves.

MrBallbaggins

I think Telcus provides us a great service. I mean, pigs are delicious but lacking in spices.

However, pig/Telcus hybrids, now that would be some damn good eatin.

telcus

MrBallbaggins wrote: »

I think Telcus provides us a great service. I mean, pigs are delicious but lacking in spices.

However, pig/Telcus hybrids, now that would be some damn good eatin.

I'm the other, other white meat.

P10

telcus wrote: »

MrBallbaggins wrote: »

I think Telcus provides us a great service. I mean, pigs are delicious but lacking in spices.

However, pig/Telcus hybrids, now that would be some damn good eatin.

I'm the other, other white meat.

Soylent Telcus - Yum
Hardy food for a soldier
You can taste the man

DevoutlyApathetic

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

Soylent Telcus - Yum
Hardy food for a soldier
You can taste the man

Haiku poets vote for DA.

TehSpectre

DevoutlyApathetic wrote: »

TehSpectre wrote: »

I am gonna vote for my buddy, DevoutlyApathetic.

Why not.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

This is some kind of plan to get me killed, isn't it?

Now now, when have I ever gotten you killed?

P10

DevoutlyApathetic wrote: »

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

Soylent Telcus - Yum
Hardy food for a soldier
You can taste the man

Haiku poets vote for DA.

D A is a jerk,
never vote for the D A
that way lies despair

MrBallbaggins

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

DevoutlyApathetic wrote: »

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

Soylent Telcus - Yum
Hardy food for a soldier
You can taste the man

Haiku poets vote for DA.

D A is a jerk,
never vote for the D A
that way lies despair

I concur. You should probably just vote ballbaggins.

Hakkekage

Plutonium wrote: »

Xevo wrote: »

God Hakke, with that avatar and all those fancy trimmings, you are simply irresistable now! What a clever ploy to stay alive in a Phalla... =P

<3 Browncoats

You can thank Plutonium for this. He rekindled my obsession with this damn show and has pretty much stolen 25 of my dollars by alerting me to the presence of the new Serenity DVD.

Also Marx that haiku warms my heart into a malleable quasi-viscous substance,

DevoutlyApathetic

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

D A is a jerk,
never vote for the D A
that way lies despair

Coward. A real Haiku master would have found some way of fitting my full name in there. It'll fit in that middle line (just).

Edit: And that "the"? Totally gratuitous. What is DA? Some kind of Office? "Hi, I'm The DevoutlyApathetic." Sure....

P10

Hakkekage wrote: »

Also Marx that haiku warms my heart into a malleable quasi-viscous substance,

Random Poetry
Great fun, but it's dangerous
Gonna' get shanked - damn

MrBallbaggins

!Retract Dethkok

You win this round.

P10

DevoutlyApathetic wrote: »

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

D A is a jerk,
never vote for the D A
that way lies despair

Coward. A real Haiku master would have found some way of fitting my full name in there. It'll fit in that middle line (just).

Your words can sting, jerk
DevoutlyApathetic
made me cry all night

cheez

Pfft, pig fucker, you've got nothing on me. I fuck my sisters.

This obviously makes me the best candidate for incestigator.

TehSpectre

Marx is a dip
No one trust that big douche
D A is awesome

HAH

Hakkekage

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

Your words can sting, jerk
DevoutlyApathetic
made me cry all night

Hahahahahahaha

:^:

A++ would chuckle heartily at again

P10

TehSpectre wrote: »

Marx is a dip
No one trust that big douche
D A is awesome

HAH

Fisticuffs, good sir
We shall settle this like men
At dawn, TehSpectre.

telcus

Rolling in the mud
With skin so pink and so smooth
My lover goes oink.

MrBallbaggins

Vote Telcus.

P10

A beautiful day
Where we all talk in Haiku
Brings tears to my eyes

DevoutlyApathetic

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

Your words can sting, jerk
DevoutlyApathetic
made me cry all night

See, you had to put that Jerk in there? Replace that noun with an adjective and that'd be alright.

I suggest Grand, Lord or King. Take your pick.

cheez

Dethkok, keep it up
But don't fuck up the meter
You did twice thus far

Xevo

Shall we continue
To only speak in haikus
Until this thing ends?

visiblehowl

Hello, good sirs! What a fine morning for a phalla!

You should !vote for visiblehowl and here's why.

Whenever I try to do something on my own, I end up screwing over my side. Thus, if you elect me, you can trust me to ask exactly what the village wants me to ask, because I'm too afraid to do anything sneaky!

Vote visiblehowl! Trust his fear!

P10

cheez wrote: »

Dethkok, keep it up
But don't fuck up the meter
You did twice thus far

Churning out Haiku
It is not easy, my pal
But for you, I'll try

DevoutlyApathetic

Pah, if Howl does ask
it will be incorrectly
done, regardless what.

Locus

Clarification: Any actions that you make via PM must be sent in by the voting deadline of 11 PM EDT. This does not count for the investigation, which may be undertaken any time after results are posted.

Hakkekage

Haiku? Bah! Fuck that
Prose and shit is where it's at
Oh God I'm so crass

TehSpectre

DËTHKÖK wrote: »

TehSpectre wrote: »

Marx is a dip
No one trust that big douche
D A is awesome

HAH

Fisticuffs, good sir
We shall settle this like men
At dawn, TehSpectre.

We will fight todayTwo will enter, one will winTactics are my life

DevoutlyApathetic

Hakkekage wrote: »

Haiku? Bah! Fuck that
Prose and shit is where it's at
Oh God I'm so crass

What is the number
of beats in a sad smiley?
Ask not; fear to tread.