clingy friend won't piss off

Nuzak

so basically i knew this guy, figured he was a nice chap, we became friends. a few months down the line, i find out he is fucking creepy.

i wouln't regard him as my best friend, but he never stops trying to contact me, and he says some especially weird things, awkward, uncomfortable things- i wouldn't regard him as my best friend, but he tells me i am his 'best friend ever' constantly. he tells me he is going to get me some expensive gift for christmas, and when i tell him i don't need a gift from him, he tells me he just wants to show me how much he appreciates me and values me as his best friend.

this is just the tip of the iceberg i can remember, like him turning up at my house unannounced, and then i spends ages hinting at him to leave.

i just want to get away from him, make him understand he is really fucking clingy and weird, without opening a restraing order or having him stalk and kill me. help and advice is needed.

Death of Rats

Ever just try sitting him down and telling him "hey creepy fuckwad, get out of my house, and stop friend-stalking me. If you don't, I'll carve my name on your back with an icepick." Or something a little less dramatic, but that gets to the point?

Sometimes it's hard for people to be able to read a relationship right if the other person is too polite to just tell the person to fuck off.

subedii

I've been in similar situations. It's pretty hard to tell someone like that to stop bothering you because you don't want to alienate them.

Unfortunately, you have to be direct and say that he's hanging around you too much. You also have to be honest with him and tell him if there's anything he does that bothers you. Otherwise he's just going to keep doing it. If he isn't going to change the way he behaves, hey, that's his right. But then you can simply say, "well I can't hang around with you anymore, sorry", and that'll (hopefully) be that.

At the end of the day, if he can't take the hints, you have to speak your mind directly. Just make sure you're not breaking up a good friendship over either niggly points or issues that are more to do with you than they are with him (although with the latter, that's still usually a good enough reason to break off a friendship. Not everyone meshes together).

Death of Rats

Seriously, I had a friend like this in highschool. He was younger than me, and I really just didn't like him at all. He'd always come over to my house, and I'd be forced to be polite and hang out with him. Numerous times I tried to get him to understand that while I didn't dislike him, we weren't really cut out to be friends. Every time he'd ignore it, and would continue to act like we should be best buds.

The way I got through to him was kinda sad. I sat him down to tell him that I just couldn't deal with a hero worshiping kid who I had nothing in common with. He wasn't getting it, so I just told him straight up that I didn't like him, didn't want to hang out with him, and that he needed to leave. He got it then.

It's unfortunate because if he would have just backed off some we could have been friends. He wasn't a bad kid, just too clingy.

joshuadewaal

My best friend used to be way too clingy. But we talked about it, and I let him know what specifically he did that bothered me. He got the point. He occasionally still does things that are clingy, and I tell him it bothers me.

We are still best friends and he the most trustworthy and loyal friend I've ever known.

subedii

Death of Rats wrote: »

It's unfortunate because if he would have just backed off some we could have been friends. He wasn't a bad kid, just too clingy.

I think this is a problem with a lot these situations. You can usually deal with plenty of people and any number of foibles and personality traits just as long as that person isn't constantly in your face all the time. Then it often gets harder to see them as anything other than irritating and the friendship essentially gets poisoned.

brandotheninjamaster

I think the best thing you can do is talk to this person about how its annoying you. Odds are he doesn't know what he is doing is that annoying. Sometimes if you just spell it out for somebody (not mean but to the point). They will get the picture (most of the time anyway).

EclecticGroove

Man... I just keep seeing the Cable guy when I read this post.

I don't know all the specifics of course, but he isn't trying to like come onto you or anything? Either way it doesn't really matter if he's being creepy friend guy or creepy I want to hook up with you guy. If this is the only thing about the person you don't like. I'd suggest simply having a talk about requiring certain boundaries. Like no coming over unannounced, no calls before/after certain points, no repeated callings, etc.

Things you would normally expect people to know via common sense, but maybe he just doesn't "get" for some reason.

If there isn't anything about this person you ever care to see again, just be honest and tell him that you aren't comfortable with him as a friend/acquaintance/whatever. Put this in whatever words you think sound best and hope he isn't so dense as to not get the hint.

Tav

Ha, I had a similar problem. This creepy fuck kept on following me and my friends around, so we told him to fuck off except one of my friends is too nice to tell him that. This guy started stalking my friend. This got to the point where he snuck into my friends house and sat in his room, in the dark, for 3 hours. Insulting him, ignoring him and generally telling him hes scum should work, but people like this need a lot of convincing that you don't want their company.

Sarcastro

Or you could just say "hey, could you call first? Even my folks don't drop by without calling."

Grow some nuts and establish some boundaries, explicitly and clearly. You can't fault someone for crossing territorial lines if theres no marker to serve as warning. People have different lifestyles and treat relationships differently. Lots of people, especially when they like someone, simply move in closer and closer until they push up against the stop line.

If you've made yourself clear though, and the rules keep getting broken, then perhaps it's time to push back a bit. Start gentle and apply increasing pressure until you get the results you need. You don't need to bring out the fuckhammer when a little persuasion will do.

mastman

Getting someone to stop being your friend is going to involve you doing something mildly confrontational. You can't do anything and still be super nice about it or nothing will change. You have to tell him straight up, or just repeatedly ignore him until he gets the picture.

Falx

I've had three friends like this, the first one I didn't realize something was wrong until I invented my best friend over while he was already at my house. The dude was SUPER jealous and ended up "accidentally" almost seriously injuring my friend by pushing him off his bike.

I thought it was just an accident at first, but then he flat out bullied one of my other friends and I told him to piss off. They might not get it at first but the key is to stand firm; if it comes down to it, don't even greet him or acknowledge his existence in any way. It's harsh, but for the best.

The other two weren't as dangerous, but both times the above method worked again. It might take up to several weeks though, and don't be surprised if you get lots of letters and phone-calls, sometimes even money.

And above all, if he so much as even looks like he's going to try and threaten you or one of your other friends, you call the police on his ass. If he's willing to go that far he doesn't just have a social problem, he's a potential threat that needs be put someplace where he can get the help he needs.