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Comedic Script looking for feedback
Dex Dynamo
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
CHUCK NORRIS FUN-TIME THEATRE
We open on the Junction, the local comic shop in Red Bank, NJ where the group is hanging out. D&D books, dice, & papers are scattered about. Among the people hanging out- Rick, the show's protagonist, and the only normal one there, Tommy Hunter, the drugged-out weirdo with a heart of gold and ash, Mike, the crazed, violent ne'er-do-well, Bryce And Joe, the obsessive movie geeks who can(and do) quote any movie released since 1942, Will, the guy no one likes(for good reasons), but refuses to leave, Geoff, the obnoxious, attention-starved asshole, Jenna-San, the girl, and Johnny-Squared, the slightly douchebaggy know-it-all who has read and bought every rulebook D&D(Darkness & Demons, of course) has to offer
RICK: Are we gonna play D&D- Darkness & Demons, of course- today or what? We've been here for, like, 4 hours.
GEOFF: Well, maybe if somebody actually decided to make a character, we could start. *glares at Mike)
Cut to Mike, who has black war paint under his eyes, and a large bowie knife in his hand.
MIKE: Hey man, I take a while 'Cause I have the right to! You have a problem with that? Then you take it up with the knife!
TOMMY: Jesus, dude!
BRYCE: You darn right, man!
JOE: Nobody FuAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Mike immediately tackles Joe, the knife still in hand.
MIKE: I HATE YOU! GET AN ORIGINAL SENSE OF HUMOR, YOU FILTHY WASTE OF LIFE!
CHUCK NORRIS: Hey!
The room goes silent. We cut to a shot of Chuck norris pointing at Mike.
CHUCK NORRIS: We don't allow weapons in here!
MIKE: What did I say about bringing it up to the Knife?
BRYCE: Technically, you said "Take it up with the kniOHGODTHEAGONY!
CHUCK NORRIS: That's it!
Cut to an exxagerated, anime-style shot of Chuck doing a flying kick. Cut Again to Mike, looking terrified as Chuck Norris kicks him.
CHUCK NORRIS: That's what he gets... for being a heel.
Everyone laughs, and suddenly there is a freeze frame and credits roll. Cut to Tommy, who is not in this shot.
TOMMY: I need to lay off the juice.
Everyone starts moving again, except for Chuck, who remains in his freeze frame. Rick snaps his fingers several times, trying to wake him up.
RICK: Man, we need to find a new hangout. Chuck Norris is just too weird.
The bell on the door rings, and in walks popular actor MARK HAMILL! He is wearing a full Luke Skywalker costume, and has the skywalker haircut. Cut to a shot of Clark, whose mouth is agape. We then zoom out to show that he wet his pants.
MARK HAMILL: Hi, um, can I use your phone? My car broke down outside.
BRYCE: Oh my god, It's the guy from Laserhawk!
GEOFF: Pfft, no it's not. It's the guy from The Guyver!
BRYCE: Laserhawk!
GEOFF: The Guyver!
BRYCE: Laserhawk!
GEOFF: The Guyver!
MARK HAMILL: *Now wearing X-Wing flight suit* Actually, fellas, I was in both mov-
BRYCE & GEOFF: Shut your hole, pretty boy!
Extreme close up on Bryce's eyes. He squints, the wrinkles appear, and the two black bars from movies show up.
BRYCE: That's it Geoff. You. Me. Thunderdome. Two men Enter. One man leaves.
MARK HAMILL: *Now in his jedi training outfit, with yoda on his back* Woah, fellas, let's not get out of hand here.
RICK: Look, Mr. Hamill, there's no point reasoning with these guys. They're kind of... nuts.
MARK HAMILL: Yeah, I know how some people get sometimes...
Cut to the street. Mark Hamill is walking along, and a man walking by stops.
MAN: Oh hey, you're Mark Hamill! I loved you on Batman. You make a great Joker.
MARK HAMILL: I'LL FUCK YOU UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! *begins to beat the man with a baseball bat* THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!? HUH? Wait... you're not Warwick Davis... Bye!
Cut back to the junction, where a makeshift Thunderdome has been created. The cast stands around them, chanting "Two Men Enter! One Man Leaves!" Bryce and Geoff are standing in a row, squaring off. Bryce is carrying a large sword, and Geoff has a chainsaw hand. They fight for a little while in a ridiculously overdramatic fashion, before Geoff cuts off Bryce's arm. Bryce falls to the ground.
RICK: Great. Now Bryce AND Joe are dead. We don't have enough people to play D&D now!
MARK HAMILL: I'll play! I love D&D!
RICK: You mean Darkness & Demons, of course.
MARK HAMILL: Of course. Darkness & Demons.
RICK: Of course.
MARK HAMILL: Of Course. What other game is there?
RICK: There is none. Only Darkness & Demons.
MRS. HAMILL: Honey, the car's running again. It was just Vapor lock.
MARK HAMILL: OK, honey. I guess this is goodbye.
Joe Namath then comes from off-screen tackling Mark Hamill. He looks exactly like he did on the Simpsons.
JOE NAMATH: Steal my joke, will ya?
CLARKE: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???? YOU KILLED HIM!!!!!! Wait... Good lord, man, what happened to you? You're bright yellow! And where did your finger go?
JOE NAMATH: Never move in next to a power plant, kid.
Joe Namath grabs Mrs. Hamill and walks off.
GEOFF: Great, we still need two people.
WILL: I'll play.
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: I'll pl-.
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: I'll-.
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: I-
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: Hey, screw you!
GEOFF: We still need two people. Two people who don't suck.
Jenna-San: <<I'll play! I have a super happy mega time mystical samurai of love and tentacles already rolled up! OK! OK! HAPPY TIME FOR GAY!>>
RICK: ...Well, we still need one.
WILL: I-
RICK: I'm not playing this game with you, Will.
Johnny-Squared walks in, carrying about 26.3576532 books.
JOHNNY-SQUARED: I'm in. I've got mine ready too.
TOMMY: Great! Let's play.
Cut to a generic dungeon, where the cast is standing around in armor, robes, etc. We then pan a bit to the left and see what appears to be the classic appearance of God(robes, beard, face just offscreen, heavenly glow)
JOHNNY-SQUARED: *Booming* I win.
MIKE: Like hell you do!
Cuts back to Mike tackling Johnny-Squared.
CREDITS ROLL
After the Credits, We cut back to Chuck Norris, now wearing a full "Walker, Texas Ranger" outfit.
CHUCK NORRIS: Hey kids, I'm Chuck Norris. We had some fun here, tonight, shared some laughs, but there's a serious issue we need to talk about. The Viet-Cong. Trust me kids, the VC are no joke. I lost some good friends to those bastards. So take it from me, if you see a Viet Cong Soldier, you tell him this.
Wait 8 seconds at least.
RICK: Tell him what?
Chuck Norris then punches Rick in the gut and snaps his neck. We follow this up with a close up on Chuck Norris's eyes.
CHUCK NORRIS: Tell 'em I'm coming for him.
Fade to Black, while "Eye of the Ranger" plays in the background.
We open on the Junction, the local comic shop in Red Bank, NJ where the group is hanging out. D&D books, dice, & papers are scattered about. Among the people hanging out- Rick, the show's protagonist, and the only normal one there, Tommy Hunter, the drugged-out weirdo with a heart of gold and ash, Mike, the crazed, violent ne'er-do-well, Bryce And Joe, the obsessive movie geeks who can(and do) quote any movie released since 1942, Will, the guy no one likes(for good reasons), but refuses to leave, Geoff, the obnoxious, attention-starved asshole, Jenna-San, the girl, and Johnny-Squared, the slightly douchebaggy know-it-all who has read and bought every rulebook D&D(Darkness & Demons, of course) has to offer
RICK: Are we gonna play D&D- Darkness & Demons, of course- today or what? We've been here for, like, 4 hours.
GEOFF: Well, maybe if somebody actually decided to make a character, we could start. *glares at Mike)
Cut to Mike, who has black war paint under his eyes, and a large bowie knife in his hand.
MIKE: Hey man, I take a while 'Cause I have the right to! You have a problem with that? Then you take it up with the knife!
TOMMY: Jesus, dude!
BRYCE: You darn right, man!
JOE: Nobody FuAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Mike immediately tackles Joe, the knife still in hand.
MIKE: I HATE YOU! GET AN ORIGINAL SENSE OF HUMOR, YOU FILTHY WASTE OF LIFE!
CHUCK NORRIS: Hey!
The room goes silent. We cut to a shot of Chuck norris pointing at Mike.
CHUCK NORRIS: We don't allow weapons in here!
MIKE: What did I say about bringing it up to the Knife?
BRYCE: Technically, you said "Take it up with the kniOHGODTHEAGONY!
CHUCK NORRIS: That's it!
Cut to an exxagerated, anime-style shot of Chuck doing a flying kick. Cut Again to Mike, looking terrified as Chuck Norris kicks him.
CHUCK NORRIS: That's what he gets... for being a heel.
Everyone laughs, and suddenly there is a freeze frame and credits roll. Cut to Tommy, who is not in this shot.
TOMMY: I need to lay off the juice.
Everyone starts moving again, except for Chuck, who remains in his freeze frame. Rick snaps his fingers several times, trying to wake him up.
RICK: Man, we need to find a new hangout. Chuck Norris is just too weird.
The bell on the door rings, and in walks popular actor MARK HAMILL! He is wearing a full Luke Skywalker costume, and has the skywalker haircut. Cut to a shot of Clark, whose mouth is agape. We then zoom out to show that he wet his pants.
MARK HAMILL: Hi, um, can I use your phone? My car broke down outside.
BRYCE: Oh my god, It's the guy from Laserhawk!
GEOFF: Pfft, no it's not. It's the guy from The Guyver!
BRYCE: Laserhawk!
GEOFF: The Guyver!
BRYCE: Laserhawk!
GEOFF: The Guyver!
MARK HAMILL: *Now wearing X-Wing flight suit* Actually, fellas, I was in both mov-
BRYCE & GEOFF: Shut your hole, pretty boy!
Extreme close up on Bryce's eyes. He squints, the wrinkles appear, and the two black bars from movies show up.
BRYCE: That's it Geoff. You. Me. Thunderdome. Two men Enter. One man leaves.
MARK HAMILL: *Now in his jedi training outfit, with yoda on his back* Woah, fellas, let's not get out of hand here.
RICK: Look, Mr. Hamill, there's no point reasoning with these guys. They're kind of... nuts.
MARK HAMILL: Yeah, I know how some people get sometimes...
Cut to the street. Mark Hamill is walking along, and a man walking by stops.
MAN: Oh hey, you're Mark Hamill! I loved you on Batman. You make a great Joker.
MARK HAMILL: I'LL FUCK YOU UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! *begins to beat the man with a baseball bat* THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!? HUH? Wait... you're not Warwick Davis... Bye!
Cut back to the junction, where a makeshift Thunderdome has been created. The cast stands around them, chanting "Two Men Enter! One Man Leaves!" Bryce and Geoff are standing in a row, squaring off. Bryce is carrying a large sword, and Geoff has a chainsaw hand. They fight for a little while in a ridiculously overdramatic fashion, before Geoff cuts off Bryce's arm. Bryce falls to the ground.
RICK: Great. Now Bryce AND Joe are dead. We don't have enough people to play D&D now!
MARK HAMILL: I'll play! I love D&D!
RICK: You mean Darkness & Demons, of course.
MARK HAMILL: Of course. Darkness & Demons.
RICK: Of course.
MARK HAMILL: Of Course. What other game is there?
RICK: There is none. Only Darkness & Demons.
MRS. HAMILL: Honey, the car's running again. It was just Vapor lock.
MARK HAMILL: OK, honey. I guess this is goodbye.
Joe Namath then comes from off-screen tackling Mark Hamill. He looks exactly like he did on the Simpsons.
JOE NAMATH: Steal my joke, will ya?
CLARKE: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???? YOU KILLED HIM!!!!!! Wait... Good lord, man, what happened to you? You're bright yellow! And where did your finger go?
JOE NAMATH: Never move in next to a power plant, kid.
Joe Namath grabs Mrs. Hamill and walks off.
GEOFF: Great, we still need two people.
WILL: I'll play.
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: I'll pl-.
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: I'll-.
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: I-
GEOFF: We still need two people.
WILL: Hey, screw you!
GEOFF: We still need two people. Two people who don't suck.
Jenna-San: <<I'll play! I have a super happy mega time mystical samurai of love and tentacles already rolled up! OK! OK! HAPPY TIME FOR GAY!>>
RICK: ...Well, we still need one.
WILL: I-
RICK: I'm not playing this game with you, Will.
Johnny-Squared walks in, carrying about 26.3576532 books.
JOHNNY-SQUARED: I'm in. I've got mine ready too.
TOMMY: Great! Let's play.
Cut to a generic dungeon, where the cast is standing around in armor, robes, etc. We then pan a bit to the left and see what appears to be the classic appearance of God(robes, beard, face just offscreen, heavenly glow)
JOHNNY-SQUARED: *Booming* I win.
MIKE: Like hell you do!
Cuts back to Mike tackling Johnny-Squared.
CREDITS ROLL
After the Credits, We cut back to Chuck Norris, now wearing a full "Walker, Texas Ranger" outfit.
CHUCK NORRIS: Hey kids, I'm Chuck Norris. We had some fun here, tonight, shared some laughs, but there's a serious issue we need to talk about. The Viet-Cong. Trust me kids, the VC are no joke. I lost some good friends to those bastards. So take it from me, if you see a Viet Cong Soldier, you tell him this.
Wait 8 seconds at least.
RICK: Tell him what?
Chuck Norris then punches Rick in the gut and snaps his neck. We follow this up with a close up on Chuck Norris's eyes.
CHUCK NORRIS: Tell 'em I'm coming for him.
Fade to Black, while "Eye of the Ranger" plays in the background.
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