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A horrible situation (girlfriend)

NarketNarket __BANNED USERS
edited October 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
This is my first thread to start and GOD I never thought it would be something like this!

My girlfriend and i have been together for 2 years, and it has been pretty good. Of course we fight now and again, but for the most part we have been extremely happy and very much in love. Here lately, she has been depressed about not having a lot of money, and not being in college yet. I am 23 and she is 19 by the way. She is also bi-polar, and she hasn't been able to get her meds, although it isn't extreme bi-polar. So she decided that she wanted to break up so that she wouldn't have any strings holding her back. I took it like a man, and said "okay honey, if you think this is what you need to do, then i want you to do it and be happy." Right now we live together, so it made it sort of awkward. One day later she realized that she wanted to be with me and not break up. I saw it coming, so it wasn't a big deal. HAPPY AGAIN! Two dsays later she gets in anothther one of her moods, and it's time to break up. This time i decided that it was BS and let her know. I told her that she can't keep doing this to me. Breaking up, then coming back. She told me this time was for real, and that when i had the money, i needed to find a place to live. I got upset, cried all that. She just stood there and stared at me like it was nothing. Anyways, i came to work and tried to go on like it was a normal day. Here's the horrible situation. All the time this has been goign on, one of her ex boyfriend's (they have remained friends) grnadfather died, and he was coming back in from over seas to attend the funeral. We were still together when he came in, and I am not a jealous or over possessive kind of guy, so I had no problem with her hanging out with him. You know for comfort and all.
We have not actually broken up at any point. Just decided that we were going to soon. So, I tell her i love her, she says it back, and i go to work. She told me that her and her ex were going to hang out for a little while and she would stop by work when she left his house. (You can probrably see where this is going) While I was at work, i told myself that I wasn't going to let this happen. I was going to fight for us to be together. I love this girl with everything in me, and I don't think it's worth loosing her. I wrote a long letter for her, explaining that i wanted to be with her, and that I would do anything to keep her. So, she comes up to my work, and I sort of give her a quick version of the letter and tell her that i would do anything for her. She is a hopless romantic, and she started crying and ran to give me a hug. I asked her "Is this what you wanted? For me to fight for you?" She shook her head yes, and I thought for a minute that she just wanted to know that she really means that much to me. Then it comes.
"I did something really bad..." My heart drops to the floor. I thought OMG she kissed her ex. "Did you mess around with him or something?" Nothing. "Did you have sex with him?" She just stands there. At this point i am watching her jump on my heart over and over. I rage at first. "What the FUCK is wrong with you????" Blah blah blah. "I'm sorry honey, I do wat to be with you" and all that. I love this girl more than anything in the world, and I want to forgive her so increadibly much. I want to live the rest of my life with her and marry her. But what the hell do I do. Everytime that she gets into a certain mood it seems, she tries to break it off.
Okay, so know she wants to be with me and swears never to do anything like this again. She tells me that she wants to be with me forever and raise a family with me. I want that too, but I don't know if I can forgive her. Everyone makes mistakes I know that. I have made many. The old saying once a cheater always a cheater sits in my mind, but I really don't believe it. Am I wrong? I just need a little advise. Has anything similar happened to any of you? This is the second time I have been cheated on in a long term relationship, only the first time, I pretty much deserved it. Here's what you need to know. I love her very much, and in part, want to forgive her. Will she do it again? By that, i know none of you know her personally, but from previous experiences, what do you all think. Man this hurts so bad. Any advise is much appreciated. Thanks in advance PA.

Narket on
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Posts

  • Big DookieBig Dookie Smells great! Houston, TXRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    First off, sorry man, I know this really sucks for you.

    Frankly, it sounds like you guys need a little bit of time apart. She's had a long-term relationship with you, and the fact that she was willing to throw that away and sleep with her ex on a whim really says something about her state of mind. As hard as it is for both of you, but for you especially it sounds like, you guys need some time apart to sort things out.

    This isn't to say that you guys can never be together. It's possible that she was just not in her right mind and made a very stupid mistake, and that she now deeply regrets it. These things happen everyday to people all over the world, and it doesn't necessarily mean that she is the kind of person who will do it again. However, it did happen, and whether you guys were technically broken up or not, it has taken away some amount of trust that you had in her. It will take time for that trust to come back (if it can come back at all), and trying to rebuild that trust while in the relationship with her may not be a good idea. Some might disagree with me, but that's just how I see it.

    My suggestion is to break it off for good and work towards moving out on your own. If you guys really love each other, you will eventually naturally begin to rebuild that relationship, and eventually may be able to become a couple again. For now though, this back and forth thing is probably not going to stop in the short term, and it's going to be very painful for both of you. Some time apart from each other will either cement the fact that you shouldn't be with her, or it will reconfirm that she's the one you want to be with. Either way though, at least you'll know, and that's much better than dealing with what you're going through now.

  • Mr. PokeylopeMr. Pokeylope Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Your not going to be able to change her. Your choice is accept who she is or to find someone else. If your willing to accept that she is really flaky with your relationship then go for it, but can you really make a happy life and have a family with someone that when the mood strikes them they are willing to throw everything away? Think about what you want out of life can you get it with someone you can't count on or trust?

    Seriously the break up and then taking me back and then a break up a week later would have been enough for me. Then you have the cheating... It really sounds like this girl doesn't care for or respect you.

    It really sucks now but sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love the other person things just aren't meant to be. Trust me you'll be able to find someone that treats you better and is alot more stable. Find your own place and get out of this situation.

  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    Sorry dude. You must be feeling terrible.
    Will she do it again?

    Who knows.

    What really matters - in my mind at least - is, why do you want to marry and raise a family with someone who:

    a) doesn't know what they want
    b) only 19, is not even in college yet, and therefore probably does not know where she stands in life
    c) cheats on you

    ?

    Hell, you yourself are only 23, same as me. I know for a fact that if I started having such strong feelings for someone at this age, and started entertaining thoughts of marriage - marriage! - I'd start seriously questioning myself. And this is true even if the person did not break up and come back to me five times and cheated on me afterwards.

    Also, I'll say this: her bi-polar disorder is not an excuse for her to treat you like shit, disrespect you, and above all, hurt your feelings like that.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • TubeTube Working As Intended Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited October 2007
    To be honest, once one party starts saying "we need to break up" or whatever, you should really just do it. Particularly once it's happened more than once. It's obvious from her actions that no matter what she says, her heart isn't in it any more. Like you said, you took it like a man, and I think it's time to do that again. Break up, get out of there and tell her you don't want to see her any more.

  • ThandorThandor __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    Run. She has cheated and will statistically cheat again. You deserve better. The probable scenario is that if you swallow all of this, get back together, it will be good for a while. After a while her bi-poler moods will kick in and it will go back to how it was recently. The make up-break up will begin again. She doesn't really know what she wants. She will most likely cheat. The best possible scenario is that it will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do to stay together and once you do you will have all of this baggage and angst about what happened. You will always be suspicious. You will never be entirely happy.


    The most probable scenario is that you drag this out, get back together, she either cheats or wants to break it off in a few months.

    Do yourself a favor: take some you time. Break it off, think about your life, get your education/career in the place that you want it to be, mourn the relationship, and find a girl that is happy with what that is.

    Thundar and Thandor make the best threads. Coincidence or an unknown evil?
  • NarketNarket __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    Thanks for all the advise. It's really hard to say exactly what's going to happen with in the next few days, weeks. It really sucks because I am the kind of person that forgives a lot. I forgave my previous girlfriend for sleeping with my reall good friend, and I still have trouble getting over that. I am afraid that no matter what I do, this is going to be the same. Oddly enough, I find myself asking the question "What did I do wrong? Could I have done something different?" I already know the answers to those questions. I know it wasn't my fault, and that there is nothing that I could've done differently. Just a hard and long walk ahead of me.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    Narket wrote: »
    Thanks for all the advise. It's really hard to say exactly what's going to happen with in the next few days, weeks. It really sucks because I am the kind of person that forgives a lot. I forgave my previous girlfriend for sleeping with my reall good friend, and I still have trouble getting over that. I am afraid that no matter what I do, this is going to be the same. Oddly enough, I find myself asking the question "What did I do wrong? Could I have done something different?" I already know the answers to those questions. I know it wasn't my fault, and that there is nothing that I could've done differently. Just a hard and long walk ahead of me.

    Maybe the problem is that you forgive way too easily.

    I mean, don't get me wrong, I do believe everyone deserves a second chance. But they have to work for it, and you shouldn't give it away too freely.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • NarketNarket __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    ege02 wrote: »
    Narket wrote: »
    Thanks for all the advise. It's really hard to say exactly what's going to happen with in the next few days, weeks. It really sucks because I am the kind of person that forgives a lot. I forgave my previous girlfriend for sleeping with my reall good friend, and I still have trouble getting over that. I am afraid that no matter what I do, this is going to be the same. Oddly enough, I find myself asking the question "What did I do wrong? Could I have done something different?" I already know the answers to those questions. I know it wasn't my fault, and that there is nothing that I could've done differently. Just a hard and long walk ahead of me.

    Maybe the problem is that you forgive way too easily.

    I mean, don't get me wrong, I do believe everyone deserves a second chance. But they have to work for it, and you shouldn't give it away too freely.

    I know. I hate the fact that I am this way, and I really try not to be. I know a lot of it has to do with the way i grew up. My mom's ex cheated on her, and I watched her forgive him more than once. They say that most everything you do reflects how you were raised. I do belive in second chances, and I know that they can only go so far. I have given her a second chance before. She didn't do anything like this however, and she has given me a second chance before. Again nothing like this. I have tried to believe the cliche that love conquers all, but I guess it's not going to apply this time.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • deadonthestreetdeadonthestreet Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    You probably won't be able to trust her again, even if you are able to forgive her. And that fact is going to make both of you miserable. Once you lose trust, the relationship is as good as over.

  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    Narket wrote: »
    I know. I hate the fact that I am this way, and I really try not to be. I know a lot of it has to do with the way i grew up. My mom's ex cheated on her, and I watched her forgive him more than once. They say that most everything you do reflects how you were raised.

    Don't blame it on the way you were raised. Take responsibility for the way you are, and do your best to change it. There is no other way.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • ChopperDaveChopperDave Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    From your post, she seems like a drama queen, and sort of gravitates emotionally towards the people that can satisfy her that way. Probably the reason she broke up with you twice and "wanted you to fight for her," and probably the reason she slept with the guy whose grandmother just died. All this talk of wanting to be with you forever and raise a family with you just goes to showw (and I'm sorry, but it's true) just how immature she is right now.

    She needs to grow up. Fact of the matter is, she's 19 and probably hasn't once had the time to just live on her own (I'm assuming she went straight from her parents house to rooming with you). Hasn't had the time to pursue her own interests in college, travel, experiment with other relationships, etc etc. These are all things that she's going to need to mature, and she's going to have to mature and learn a little empathy before she can be in a truly loving relationship with you (or anyone). She's also going to need to do them alone. Right now, her codependency with you is holding her back, to the detriment of your relationship.

    In other words, I'm with Big Dookie here. You need to let her go for a while, at least a year or two, let her sort herself out and grow up. Meanwhile, you can begin to rebuild your trust and your friendship. If and when you ever get back together, your relationship will be a lot stronger for it.

    I can't really see how trying to maintain the relationship, at the moment, would do either of you any good right now.

    3DS code: 3007-8077-4055
  • WashWash Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Whose name is on the apartment lease? In your first post you said she wants you out, but she's ended the relationship, she's cheated on you. If both of your names are on the lease, after all the shit she's put you through, you're just as entitled to the apartment, if not more. After all, she's the one who wants out.

    She broke up with you callously - you said she just stood there and stared at you while you were crying without showing emotion for pity's sake. The whole "testing" you thing is bullshit. Do you really want to stay with someone who finds it acceptable to seriously fuck with your emotions to see if you care?

    08owef8ecd0o.jpg

  • necroSYSnecroSYS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2007
    You're being a doormat. She does the bipolar "make-up-break-up" shit and you decide to write her a letter detailing just how much she owns your soul, confirm it by validating her bullshit. "Do you want me to fight for you?"

    At this point, the girl probably thinks she could set you on fire and you'd still come crawling back to her and ask for more.

    I know it feels like she's the most important thing that's ever going to happen to you, but that's just a lack of experience in the relationship department. You need to place some distance between you two and give her some boundaries. If she wants to be with you, she needs to fight for you (the plural) too. If after some time and distance, you both still want to be together, give it another try, but I think you'll find that it will allow you to be a lot more objective about it.


    But honestly, people your age have no business being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. 19 and 23 is too young to know anything about relationships, commitment, etc.

    There's no point in you getting both of yourselves all worked up and ready to chart the undiscovered country, then having her flush crimson red, run to the bathroom, and spend twenty minutes straining and grunting and stressing out because you're all ready to deliver your package but there's a three inch thick Sunday paper clogging up the mail slot.
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I'm going to vote for you to get the fuck out of the relationship. This woman not only put on an emotional roller coaster by the whole make up break up thing. She did the worst thing that anyone can do in a relationship, she cheated on you. And now that she has had her fun she wants to come back for the whole "serious thing". You should send her a clear message that says you can't have it both ways. If I were you I would try to find another woman who is more mature and knows how to act in a relationship. For crying out loud you both are still young, out on your own. Odds are things are going to get a lot worse before they get better for both of you.

    Long story short, she cheated. She did something that she knew was going to be horribly painful for you to deal with. I'm not going to go as far as to say that it is an unforgivable act, but I would think that you would have common sense enough not to open yourself up to the same woman and give her a chance to stomp on your heart again, right?

  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Yeah, she was going to dump you, but instead of dumping you she fucked another guy. Hard to be more clear-cut than that.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • CrumbBumCrumbBum Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    It sounds like you need to move on, but speaking from experience with people who have bi-polar disorder their medication can make all the difference. The problem is you need to work out the trust issue, and at the same time try and get her back on her meds as soon as possible. I know at least one poster more or less shrugged off the bi-polar issues as an easy out for her, but I'm telling you the mood swings are real regardless of how normal they may appear. This is a very very thin line to walk for you because it is difficult to determine if the lack of medication caused her oddities, or if she was looking for an excuse to break up with you and this ex boyfriend became the perfect opportunity. If you are really commited to working things out you need to understand that bi-polar disorder is serious business, and even with medication she may be prone to these kinds of mood swings where one minute she wants to spend the rest of her life with you and the next she is depressed and wants to break up.

  • FalxFalx Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    IMO the biggest problem there is that she went off her meds. Bi-polar (even the milder forms) + no meds = rollicking roller coaster of not fun. I have a friend who suffers from that, and let me tell you the conversations we had when she wasn't on her meds or they were wearing off were pretty harrowing. I think you need to move on, personally.

    Hisao? What's the word for when it feels in your heart that everything in the world is alright?
    .

    STEAM
  • aesiraesir __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    You can't be with a bipolar person who isn't on their meds and is still a teen and expect them to be anywhere near sane. You are mad because you are treating her like a normal person. She's not.

    You have to decide whether you want to put up with this until she gets medicated (at which point she still might cheat on you because someone who cheats once really can't be trusted), or find someone else.

  • tsmvengytsmvengy Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I can't believe it took this far for people actually to get to the real problem here. If she's depressed/bipolar and not on her meds, then that would go a long way towards explaining her actions. The way I see it, you have a couple choices. One is to just cut your losses and leave now. Two is to try to help her get back on her meds and at least see how things go. Personally, if I were in a long-term relationship with this person, I would probably feel pretty shitty about just dumping her on the side of the road in her depressed state. But that's just me.

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  • FalxFalx Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Man I forgot to add that, yeah leaving her cold like that when she's off the meds would be a tremendous dick thing to do. Even if you no longer want to have a relationship with her, you need to at least try to help her. Be warned though, she might not want/be unable to appreciate that she needs your help. the best you can do then is to try and contact her family, or someone who she trusts to care for her.

    Hisao? What's the word for when it feels in your heart that everything in the world is alright?
    .

    STEAM
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Well, I think that cheating was a tremendous bitch thing to do. I know she was off her meds and everything but that to me is ranked up there with the excuse "Oh, we were both drunk at the time." OP I think that if you stay with her you are either A.) A really nice guy. B.) A doormat. I think that it would be incredibly noble of you if you stayed until she got her meds, afterwards I myself would say goodbye and go my separate way. Say you two decided to work it out, could you really worry about her doing something like this the rest of your married life? I couldn't. I have no penchant for the emotional pain and stress that would put on me.

    I realize that being bi-polar is something serious (I should know, my dad is bi-polar). I know I only speak for myself, but I just couldn't love anyone with the negligence to cheat on me. Whether or not she was on her meds she had to realize that there would be consequences for her actions.

  • Foxy_RoxyFoxy_Roxy Registered User
    edited October 2007
    It sounds like she likes to test you by fucking with your emotions. My mom says she's bi=polar, and she used to say horrible things to us kids to make us prove we loved her, and make us think we couldn't live without her. It got to the point, later, where she'd try to "kill" herself every few months, just to freak us out.

    I'd say you shouldn't be with anyone who fucks with your heart like that, regardless of thier mental state. The medication isn't some magic bullet. She might still get into one of her "moods" if she's on medication. For the sake of your mental health, end it for good.

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  • TubeTube Working As Intended Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited October 2007
    Falx wrote: »
    Man I forgot to add that, yeah leaving her cold like that when she's off the meds would be a tremendous dick thing to do.

    horse fucking shit it would. he doesn't owe her anything. people are responsible for their actions, bi polar or not.

  • STATE OF THE ART ROBOTSTATE OF THE ART ROBOT Trust me Never trust a snakeRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I agree. Why should someone feel obligated to stay with someone else who shit on him and made him feel miserable just because she has a disorder? You have to take care of yourself first.

    LzqwFIC.jpg
  • Black IceBlack Ice Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Falx wrote: »
    Man I forgot to add that, yeah leaving her cold like that when she's off the meds would be a tremendous dick thing to do.

    horse fucking shit it would. he doesn't owe her anything. people are responsible for their actions, bi polar or not.

    That's true. But as someone who has ADHD and needs medicine, I can vouch for the fact that I'm not able to concentrate and study "normally" without it.

    I can take that experience and multiply its effects tenfold to consider how much different I would be without medication to try and visualize what a bipolar person is like without medication, and it's absolutely ridiculous. While I think these two posts pretty much sum up the relationship if she didn't have bipolar disorder..
    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:

    ...she has it. It's something she needs to be medicated for. But the "23, ready to start a family " notion is really far fetched.

    It's a strange problem. I'd agree that she needs help, but I don't know how anyone can just walk away from a scene like what you're in and act like nothing happened. You don't seem to be at a financial standpoint where you can do that, and you also seem too emotionally attached to do it even if you could. There would be long bouts of depression and it would be easy to return to her. She needs some help, and it's possible she did all of this as results of no medication. Perhaps she became so angry with you and so infatuated with her ex for just 30 minutes, and it ended up in them having sex.

    But as CT said.. she needs to account for her own actions. All I'm saying is, she might not be pulling a bullshit card on you when she says she wants to do such and such.

    I would help her get back on her meds before you make any decisions concerning breaking off or continuing on with her.
    aesir wrote: »
    You can't be with a bipolar person who isn't on their meds and is still a teen and expect them to be anywhere near sane. You are mad because you are treating her like a normal person. She's not.

    You have to decide whether you want to put up with this until she gets medicated (at which point she still might cheat on you because someone who cheats once really can't be trusted), or find someone else.

  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I just have a hard time believing that someone who is bi-polar is not responsible for his or her actions. I think that would be closer to demon possession if that were the case. Whether you are manic or down you have to have some kind of concept that "if I do this there's gonna be consequences". When my father was manic he would buy a lot of Tee-Shirts and posters when he was down he would drink (hes on medicine now). No matter what he did he had a concept of what he was doing. Even when he was doing the wrong things he still knew they were wrong, and held responsible accordingly.

  • Foxy_RoxyFoxy_Roxy Registered User
    edited October 2007
    Falx wrote: »
    Man I forgot to add that, yeah leaving her cold like that when she's off the meds would be a tremendous dick thing to do.

    horse fucking shit it would. he doesn't owe her anything. people are responsible for their actions, bi polar or not.

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  • SynapseSynapse Registered User
    edited October 2007
    Dump the chick and move out as soon as you possibly can.

    Sounds like it would be difficult for you to do, but face the facts: she's already left the relationship/lacks respect for you, and you're just letting her beat you up unnecessarily. You may feel like horrible crap for the next month or two after you move out, but DO NOT GO CRAWLING BACK, ever. There are plenty of women out there your age willing to act maturely and considerately in a relationship.

    brawl code: 1719-2854-9722
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    At the risk of seeming to jump on the "Dump her" bandwagon, I'm gonna echo that advice. The bottom line is that no one should have to deal with being jerked around like an emotional yo-yo. She is obviously manipulating your emotions to fulfil some selfish emotional need.

    But I do want to put in a word in the girl's defense. She's doing these fucked up things because she has psychological and emotional problems, and they're driving her to destructive behaviour. She didn't perform any sort of cost/benefit analysis when she slept with the other guy, she just did it because it seemed like it would feel good. This doesn't absolve her of any wrongdoing, but it's not far off to say that she is mentally debilitated. This is probably hard for people to understand if they've never felt, for example, hormone-induced mood-swings. Thanks to my cursed double X chromosomes, I get that joy once a month, and it's really remarkable how much a simple change in your body's chemistry can make you, well, crazy.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • WashWash Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I just have a hard time believing that someone who is bi-polar is not responsible for his or her actions. I think that would be closer to demon possession if that were the case. Whether you are manic or down you have to have some kind of concept that "if I do this there's gonna be consequences". When my father was manic he would buy a lot of Tee-Shirts and posters when he was down he would drink (hes on medicine now). No matter what he did he had a concept of what he was doing. Even when he was doing the wrong things he still knew they were wrong, and held responsible accordingly.

    It really doesn't matter whether or not she's responsible for her own actions. Let's say the bi-polar disorder, when not medicated, makes her behave out of control. Why would the OP want to be with someone who can claim she's not responsible for her own actions any time she goes without her pills? Who's to say she wouldn't do something like this again next time she's off her meds, or something worse? And what if she does something else and then claims it was because she wasn't medicating? She's got an out, a way to justify her behaviour. Being with someone who pulls the "no responsibility" card is like dealing with the romantic equivalent of the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2.

    08owef8ecd0o.jpg

  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    But I do want to put in a word in the girl's defense. She's doing these fucked up things because she has psychological and emotional problems, and they're driving her to destructive behaviour. She didn't perform any sort of cost/benefit analysis when she slept with the other guy, she just did it because it seemed like it would feel good. This doesn't absolve her of any wrongdoing, but it's not far off to say that she is mentally debilitated. This is probably hard for people to understand if they've never felt, for example, hormone-induced mood-swings. Thanks to my cursed double X chromosomes, I get that joy once a month, and it's really remarkable how much a simple change in your body's chemistry can make you, well, crazy.

    But she also chose to go off her meds as well, while she was on her meds so theoretically able to make imformed decsions.

    Check the lease if it says your name only on it, start packing her stuff in neat piles outside the door. If both your names are on it, you need to decide whether or not you want to fight for the place, keep in mind if she is Bi-Polar she may do mean things to get her way like getting the police involved and lying about it (I have seen this happen with a friend of mine). If it's just her name call up a friend ask for a couch for a month move stay there while searching for a new place.

  • Butterfly4uButterfly4u Registered User
    edited October 2007
    I dated a guy who was bipolar. We also lived together. One month he'd be talking about our future and the next month he'd want to break up. He even had the balls to ask me if I believed in break up sex while I was crying my eyes out. Living with someone who has bipolar can be hell sometimes. He also cheated on me. I broke up with him immediately after finding out. Now he's dating the girl that he cheated on me with. The funny thing is that they are having pretty much the same problems in their relationship as we did. He still calls me when he gets drunk to tell me how much he still loves me, he has tried to sleep with me on numerous occasions (hence trying to cheat on his current gf), and he has told me everything in the book to try and get me back. I would never go back to him. So there's my story. Hope I helped.

    Butterfly
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    My roommate is bipolar. The right medication can make all the difference in the world. He comes off as kind of eccentric, but he's relatively normal.

    That being said, I'd say that cheating on you like that is pretty much totally inexcusable.

  • NarketNarket __BANNED USERS
    edited October 2007
    MAN, a lot of different opinions. THANK YOU EVERYONE. I appreciate taking the time out of your days to help. Right now, everything is still sort of calming down for me. Now, I was never really blaming the meds for her actions, b/c I believe the same as Tube, she's responsible for her actions, meds or not. Although, I also believe that everyone makes mistakes. Of course I am not just going to say "I forgive you" and it all be over. There is a long road ahead. I know that a lot of you are calling me a dumbass now, but the fact of the matter is that I love her. She has a lot of trust to build back. Basically all of it. Even though she did the absolute worst thing you can do in a relationship, she is a good person. Honestly I was more shocked in the fact that she would actually do this than the fact that she did, if you can understand what I mean. I definatly want her to get back on her meds. Other than that, she has a lot of work to do. I didn't do anything to piss her off to cause this, so I know it had nothing to do with "what I did". I know we need to sit down and talk about this, and that's the step that I don't really want to do, but must. I just hate the fact of recalling the events. I'll keep this updated and let everyone know what happens. Again, I really appreciate the advise, and although I am not taking a LOT of peoples advise, I still thank you very much.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Narket wrote: »
    Again, I really appreciate the advise, and although I am not taking a LOT of peoples advise, I still thank you very much.

    Well, it's obviously ultimately your choice, and we obviously don't know the situation very well. I have no doubt that you care a lot for her, and that she probably cares a lot for you. However, I am really worried about her manipulating your emotions -- will she cheat on you again? Maybe, maybe not. But she will most definitely jerk your emotions around again. If she didn't act like that before going off her meds, I suppose there's a chance that she might go back to treating you with the respect and consideration due to another human being, but it seems like her life is sort of spiraling out of control right now, which is probably what made her start manipulating you, so that she can feel like she has at least some measure of control over the world around her, and meds won't help with that, only she can get herself out of the psychological sink-hole she's in. And frankly, I don't think it's worth the gamble to see if she can pull herself together. The more you drag this out, the more it's going to hurt.

    And, of course, some people are ok with being doormats. I was for a long time. I personally found the experience somewhat miserable and so I learned to stop being co-dependent. If you're really happy with your conditions, though, who am I to tell you it's bad? If you've gained only one thing from this thread, let it be the knowledge that you deserve better. Just keep that in mind, and next time she makes you unhappy, maybe you'll find it easier to cut ties.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Dude, it's more than possible to love someone and them not be right for you. You can love someone without them being your soulmate or whatever.

    You need to realise that this girl will stomp all over you and generally take advantage of you.


    You don't need to have a conversation on why she cheated on you or any of that bullshit. Man up tell her it's over and kick her out or leave if it's her name on the lease.

    As much as you care for her now you need to start not caring for her because she is selfish and doesn't really care for you just cares on the idea of being cared.

  • NocturneNocturne Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    Blaket wrote: »
    it's more than possible to love someone and them not be right for you.

    Being a hopeless romantic, it took me a very very very very long time to figure this out. This is true. Very true. Everyone in the world should read this over and over until they understand it.

  • TubeTube Working As Intended Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited October 2007
    Since you said it was ok for a lot of people to be calling you a dumbass now do you object to me spending the rest of this thread trying to find new and exciting ways to tell you what a dumbass you are.

  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited October 2007
    I just have a hard time believing that someone who is bi-polar is not responsible for his or her actions. I think that would be closer to demon possession if that were the case. Whether you are manic or down you have to have some kind of concept that "if I do this there's gonna be consequences". When my father was manic he would buy a lot of Tee-Shirts and posters when he was down he would drink (hes on medicine now). No matter what he did he had a concept of what he was doing. Even when he was doing the wrong things he still knew they were wrong, and held responsible accordingly.

    It really doesn't matter whether or not she's responsible for her own actions. Let's say the bi-polar disorder, when not medicated, makes her behave out of control. Why would the OP want to be with someone who can claim she's not responsible for her own actions any time she goes without her pills? Who's to say she wouldn't do something like this again next time she's off her meds, or something worse? And what if she does something else and then claims it was because she wasn't medicating? She's got an out, a way to justify her behaviour. Being with someone who pulls the "no responsibility" card is like dealing with the romantic equivalent of the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2.

    I like the way you think sir!

  • necroSYSnecroSYS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2007
    Nocturne wrote: »
    Blaket wrote: »
    it's more than possible to love someone and them not be right for you.

    Being a hopeless romantic, it took me a very very very very long time to figure this out. This is true. Very true. Everyone in the world should read this over and over until they understand it.


    Seriously. This is probably the most important relationship thing I've ever learned.

    There's no point in you getting both of yourselves all worked up and ready to chart the undiscovered country, then having her flush crimson red, run to the bathroom, and spend twenty minutes straining and grunting and stressing out because you're all ready to deliver your package but there's a three inch thick Sunday paper clogging up the mail slot.
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