Vanilla Forums has been nominated for a second time in the CMS Critic "Critic's Choice" awards, and we need your vote! Read more here, and then do the thing (please).
Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

How to win someone over

Eat_FireEat_Fire Registered User regular
edited November 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
If you guys can give me some feedback on this I would appreciate it, writing this out might also help me get my thoughts straight. Anyways heres the required background info:

1yr ago: Made a new friend and started hanging out with each other, his name will be "Steve". Me and "Steve" make a circle of friends at work and things are pretty cool. A few months down the road, the group consists of me. "Steve" and his gf and the other 2 friends who are a couple too. I use to be the odd guy out even though I would date girls now and again for brief periods.

Early this year, "Steve" brought his sister over when hanging out, (I had a large house that I rented so my place was hang out central, so generally everyone came to my house) sometimes her BF came with her but after awhile they broke up, and sure enough me and his sister started to look at each other differently.

Fast forward a month and I talk with "Steve" and he says he knows his sister is interested in me and he tells me its okay to ask her out and that things will still be cool (if I treat her bad I am also informed I will be killed). So, we do go on a date or 2 and really hit it off, so we start dating (nothing too fast or anything).

Present: Still dating "Steve's" sister and things are going well. However my GF had to talk to me the other day and told me that "Steve" is telling her she should date other people , yadda yadda yadda. It's basicly the stuff your parents tell you when you date someone for 6 months and your still in High School.

Lately I had been noticing that my friend has been lax on hanging out, and havent gotten to do much with him.

My question to you all is : How do I win my friend back over?

P.S. If this thread gets some feedback I might add some more stuff to the discussion.

Eat_Fire on
-Updating life to SP1-

Posts

  • ZeonZeon Registered User
    edited November 2007
    Stop fucking his sister.

    Seriously, you probably cant, and wont, be able to get back to the same friendship you had.

    Is his sister a lot younger than you guys or something? You mentioned you were renting a house, i assume youre in atleast your mid 20's? Maybe he feels shes getting too attached to you, or that youre distracting her from more "important" things in life, like school and her old friends.

    If you like your girlfriend, forget about your friend. If you dont like your girlfriend, and you think your friend will still want to hang out with you, dump her. Personally id probably continue dating her if i had any sort of feelings for her at all.

    btworbanner.jpg
    Check out my band, click the banner.
  • precisionkprecisionk Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Starting as friends then trying to date friend's sister/brother never works out.

    Relationship will be totally different in skewed because in the back of his mind, he will be thinking that this friend of mine is fucking my sister and there is nothing I can do about it.

  • ZimarooskiZimarooski Registered User
    edited November 2007
    It would really help if we had ages of the people in question.

    Favicon.gifFavicon.gifFavicon.gifFavicon.gif
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    There is really nothing you can do to win your friend back over...the best you can do in this situation is to keep bitterness from taking over your heart. I think he is having a tough time dealing with what is going on between his friend and his sister. Once he sorts himself out, he should hopefully be open to conversation.

  • Eat_FireEat_Fire Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Thanks for the replies, heres some more info;

    My group of friends is all 21-23. GF is 19 (ooohhhhh sound). Main difference in the age shows up when its bar night.

    Yes, I agree we can never have the same friendship, but we were still hanging out together and doing stuff seperately from the girls, etc, etc.

    The reason I find it strange that he suddenly had the change of heart, is that after we had started dating, he told me that he had brought her over to my house to meet me and get rid of her other BF (way to old for her). And yeah I think that was pretty manipulative of him.

    So would a talk with him about this be the thing to do? Should I be direct "So you want us to break up?" or just ask him why hes distant suddenly?

    -Updating life to SP1-
  • IconoclysmIconoclysm Registered User
    edited November 2007
    You know, I sort of like this friend of yours, despite his somewhat manipulative shennanigans.
    He's got his heart in the right place and is doing what HE thinks is best for his sister. He's right that his sister probably should be seeing more people at her age, and he clearly values you as a person and a friend in order to have given you the OK to begin with, and to still want to hang with you at all.

    From his point of view things could get very uncomfortable for all concerned if your relationship with his little sis were to go pear shaped.

    I honestly think he needs reassurance from both you and his sister that things REALLY are going very well between you, and that should the worst happen, you will both behave like adults and not start using him as an emotional piggy in the middle.

    He may still think she should date other people, but a lot of that will be him rationalising his current feelings of protectiveness towards her. Good on him. He seems a stand up guy, BUT the relationship in question is something you and his sister are exclusively in. There's no room for a third.

    t=54717
  • mtsmts Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    maybe he is jealous and wants more time with you.

    My jaded old person self, in that who cares what he thinks, if he isn't cool with seeing his sister happy, he is a dick (assuming she is happy being with you)

    camo_sig.png
  • ZimarooskiZimarooski Registered User
    edited November 2007
    Whoa hombre, how old was the previous BF that was "waay too old for her"?

    Favicon.gifFavicon.gifFavicon.gifFavicon.gif
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Honestly, I think you and your girlfriend need to have a serious talk with him about something called reality. The fact is that he pushed you guys together. Regardless of what his motives or expectations for the relationship were, it was out of his control after he did that. My guess is that it developed into something more serious than he had intended. Unfortunately for him, what he intended doesn't matter. He may not be happy with this thing called reality, but there it is.

    As others have said, if he's unable to overcome this, you may have to chose between brother and sister. Just keep in mind that your relationship with either won't be the same as it was before once the decision is made.

  • FeralFeral Who needs a medical license when you've got style? Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I don't understand this mentality. At all.

    I usually think of friends as people I like and respect. If there's anybody I want my sister dating, it's somebody I like and respect. Would Steve rather his sister be going out with somebody he doesn't like or a random stranger?

    Are guys just supposed to hate whoever their little sister dates? Is that a chapter in the Man Code that I accidentally skipped over?

    This just seems so irrational to me.

    Anyway, if it were me, I'd buy Steve a beer or a cup of coffee or something and ask him if he has a problem with me. I'd rather just deal with it face to face and find out what he actually says than jump to conclusions about what he might be or might not be feeling.

    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
    the "no true scotch, man" fallacy.
  • ÆthelredÆthelred Registered User
    edited November 2007
    From the dates you give, you've been going out with her for less than a year? That's not "too long" for a 19 year old by any means..

    pokes: 1505 8032 8399
  • Eat_FireEat_Fire Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Thanks for all the advice guys, different points of view really help. Iconoclysm in particular your post helps me understand what "Steve" is thinking. Thanks everybody. If you guys have any more advice for this feel free to post it, but if not this has helped.

    -Updating life to SP1-
  • SolventSolvent Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Feral wrote: »
    I don't understand this mentality. At all.

    I usually think of friends as people I like and respect. If there's anybody I want my sister dating, it's somebody I like and respect. Would Steve rather his sister be going out with somebody he doesn't like or a random stranger?

    Are guys just supposed to hate whoever their little sister dates? Is that a chapter in the Man Code that I accidentally skipped over?

    This just seems so irrational to me.

    You and me both. My little sister has two older bros, and she doesn't often bring men home (my bro and I figure it's because we let her know already while she was growing up what kind of men she didn't want... And that cuts out a lot of potential dates 8-) ), but when she does we're glad to meet the bloke and get to know him and have a beer with him. I actively want to like the guy, not have some automatic distrust!

    I don't know where he got the scorpions, or how he got them into my mattress.
  • TubeTube Says some shit Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited November 2007
    See, my friends are without exception disgusting animals so I take a different view.

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    See, my friends are without exception disgusting animals so I take a different view.

    we must be friends with the same people

    OP, if you really like his sister and date her respectfully and monogamously eventually he'll probably come around. He's probably wondering if you're "just nailing" her or if you're serious.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • amateurhouramateurhour Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Maybe steve things that you going out with his sister is coming between your friendship with him... so he's using the same tactics he used to get you and her together to now drive you apart? If the friendship is already getting strained I don't see too much harm in talking to him about it, as long as it's civil. Just be careful... It sounds a lot like you might lose either the friend or the girlfriend in this deal, which really sucks.

    You said the gf is 19, and you're all in your 20's. Do you go to the same school or live in the same town still? Is there a chance that she's thinking of moving to a different school, or moving in general?

    Here's what I do...
    The Vac - My Science Fiction Epic
    Fortune Pancakes - My Gag-A-Day Comic
Sign In or Register to comment.