Who Writes Short Shorts? Sheri Writes Short Shorts

Sheri

This is going to be an on-going thread. I'll try to post one or two at a time.

Remember that these are short shorts, microfiction, flash fiction.

First one is old.

[font=Verdana]Interior Design


I ran into my mother the other day.  She’d been dead for ten years, but I found her sitting in one of the vintage velvet chairs in my living room, looking just as serene and plastic as she had in her casket, except with foggy, open eyes.


“Hello, Mom.”  I stopped in the doorway to the living room, holding a thin vase with three white lilies.  It was very minimalist.  That was how I’d themed the living room: Victorian Minimalist.  “What are you doing here?”  She smiled silently, eyes glossy as a pair of marbles.


I crossed the room quickly, setting the vase on a gold-trimmed oak end table, positioned expertly in front of open bay windows.  Stepping back, I eyed the hang of the curtains, then tipped one of the lilies slightly to the right.  “I’m sorry I didn’t come when you were in the hospital.”  I fluffed the satin curtains.  “The boudoir for the Valencia dining room showed up without a final coat of varnish.  I couldn’t very well let them put it in like that.  You understand.”  I turned around to see her still staring.  Her gaze followed as I walked back out of the living room.  “I did come to your funeral.”  Her eyes were empty, a set of windows opening into a gapingly barren great room.[/font]

Second one is new.

[font=Verdana]Spread

She laid out in the floor, wide open, arms and legs splayed in every direction, as if trying to get as far from one another as possible.  The wood panels of the floor were cool in the heat of the summer, seeping the warmth from her skin, hungry to steal the speed of her particles.  Sunlight slanted through huge windows facing the beach, and the waves rolled up on the sand like a rug, rolling and unrolling, a red carpet to the ocean.  The light fell on her in stripes, and she unsure if she is shaded with bright stripes or bright with shaded stripes.  The light was warm.  She could feel the heat on her toes, below her knees, her pelvis, below her breasts, her neck and the top of her hair.  It seeped in from the top and out through the bottom, an endless cycle of heat, melting down through the floorboards to the sand and the dirt and eventually to the molten core of the world, her heat feeding the earth, turning the planet, ensuring life.

The door opened.  ‘What are you doing?’

‘Saving the world.’

‘You’re naked.’

She opened one eye.  He stood in the doorway in a suit, briefcase hanging from his arm like an unbearable weight.  ‘Why don’t you put that down?’

He stared at her, studied her like an alien species or a financial report.  ‘I have some work to do.’  He started to walk into the study as the sun crept down her body.  He called from around the corner.  ‘And put some clothes on.  The people on the beach can see you.’

She lay like a Christmas spread for a few more moments until the sunlight slid down into her eyes.  She squinted, used her palm to block the glare.  The world would have to wait.  She got up and walked into the study.[/font]

Uncle Long

First: The reason for not showing up to the hospital for the mother is disappointing and I don't know if it can work with the level of character development habitual with short shorts.

Second: Interesting, the heat especially, think of it through a warming filter. "The world would have to wait," bothers me. I don't really get a sense of why she is lying there. On the one hand she says she is saving the world, which I expected, and on the other she ends up giving it up to go and see him. I think that you were going for a quirk in character and quirks imo are generally the more resolute aspect of a personality. She just seems finicky and in need of meaning, not a place to find it.

This smacks of Plath and a less restrained Dickinson.

KungFu

I liked the usage of descriptions.

Orikaeshigitae

KungFu wrote: »

I liked the usage of descriptions.

what the hell is this? if you don't start making better crits, i will exact horrible vengeance.

Sheri

Where's your crit, Ori?

Orikaeshigitae

i must have hidden it behind this ten-page research paper

Sheri

You are always full of excuses. Now quit cluttering up my thread.

<3

liquiddark

I don't feel like these are short shorts proper. They don't have that independent identity a really good short short establishes for itself; they read instead like scenes from a longer work.

On a purely technical note, I think the echoes - minimalist, curtains - in the first one can be removed.

I like the writing, don't get me wrong. The images are striking, the ideas are captured. I would say, however, that they have a ways to go before I would read more of them. The second one reads stronger than the first, which may be happy, perhaps a sign of progress.

shutz

They're more like Tableaus than actual stories. Even though there is a progression in time, there is no real change, which makes them descriptions of "what is". Still, some pretty good writing.

Sheri, are you an interior designer, or maybe just obsessed with (re-)decorating and furniture? Addicted to Trading Spaces?

Sheri

I'm actually gonna pipe in and say something.

shutz wrote: »

They're more like Tableaus than actual stories. Even though there is a progression in time, there is no real change, which makes them descriptions of "what is". Still, some pretty good writing.

I'm not going to claim to be an expert at the super short form, but I've read a good bit of microfiction, and what you're describing here is what I see a lot of. I've got Microfiction (edited by Jerome Stern, the guy who initiated the World's Best Short Short Story Contest at Florida State University) right here with me, in fact, and a lot of the ones in here fit that description -- there's no change, they're descriptions of "what is."

It's true, these aren't actual stories -- they're short shorts. They don't follow the same rules as a story. If they don't seem to stand on their own, that's one thing, but saying 'there's no change so they aren't stories' is kind of missing the point, I think.

Sheri, are you an interior designer, or maybe just obsessed with (re-)decorating and furniture? Addicted to Trading Spaces?

eh wot

Also, I'm not sure why people seem to be shying away from this thread. If you don't like 'em, that's okay, just tell me. And if they don't stand on their own or have the identity of a short short. . . why not? What's missing? What's included that shouldn't be? This isn't just a throw-away thread for some short pieces I don't care about; I plan on submitting these.

shutz

edit: sorry again about the thread-jacking.

Post deleted (mostly).

If you're looking for the story that was here before, go to:

http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?p=3532031

Grid System

Sheri wrote: »

The light fell on her in stripes, and she unsure if she is shaded with bright stripes or bright with shaded stripes.

What's the deal with the tense switch?

Sheri

Grid System wrote: »

Sheri wrote: »

The light fell on her in stripes, and she unsure if she is shaded with bright stripes or bright with shaded stripes.

What's the deal with the tense switch?

Whoops! (will fix)

Uncle Long

Shutz: Make your own thread so I feel justified in giving you the critique that I'd like to while not wasting space here.

Sheri: It may not be my place to say, but you're getting a pretty decent response around these parts.

Also: I get the feeling that it was the sun that was heating her and thus passing on its heat through her. Are you saying that she's making her own heat in addition to the heat from the sun through the window? If so that needs to be cleared up. If not, then one or the other will suffice. Otherwise it kind of ruins the image if the body is being heated because it would have to be by a source which produces more heat than the body and then to discount that power in the next few lines saying that it is a body that heats into the earth and neglecting the overwhelming power which first gave the body the heat

.... ramble ramble.

Sheri

Uncle Long wrote: »

Shutz: Make your own thread so I feel justified in giving you the critique that I'd like to while not wasting space here.

Sheri: It may not be my place to say, but you're getting a pretty decent response around these parts.

Also: I get the feeling that it was the sun that was heating her and thus passing on its heat through her. Are you saying that she's making her own heat in addition to the heat from the sun through the window? If so that needs to be cleared up. If not, then one or the other will suffice. Otherwise it kind of ruins the image if the body is being heated because it would have to be by a source which produces more heat than the body and then to discount that power in the next few lines saying that it is a body that heats into the earth and neglecting the overwhelming power which first gave the body the heat

.... ramble ramble.

Sorry about that. I didn't mean it to be all whiny. But look, it worked.

I'm not really saying that she's making her own heat. I don't know if you mean that 'the speed of her particles' is confusing the matter, but something has to cause that speed, and in this case it's the sun ('It seeped in from the top and out through the bottom, an endless cycle of heat, melting down through the floorboards').

Uncle Long

That's what I mean. It isn't clear who owns the heat or where the heat comes from. If it's her heat she passes into the earth then she has a sort of tie to it. If it's the sun's heat that passes through her then she has another tie to the earth. But, in the second place, the tie isn't one which would enable her to save anything. If she simply conducts the suns heat than she is only a part of things, not the genatrix or the savior.

shutz

Uncle Long wrote: »

Shutz: Make your own thread so I feel justified in giving you the critique that I'd like to while not wasting space here.

Sorry, I thought I read from the OP that this was going to be a "post your short-shorts here" thread, but now that I re-read it, I see that Sheri meant that she was going to keep posting her stuff here.

I didn't mean to thread-jack. Although I'm not quite sure my story warrants another thread. I'll spoiler out my story for now, so as to not draw too much attention, and if I decide to post a new topic with it, I'll delete my post.

Sheri

She sees herself as a vehicle for the heat. There's no conflicting description of the heat warming the earth itself, and there's no reason to think that this should happen independently of her, so there's no reason that she can't be seen (by herself or by the reader) as instrumental to the process.

If you believe in God, God creates all things, but women are the ones who have the children. They're the vehicle. But you don't see people telling women, 'You're not a mother, God created that child. You're just a vehicle.' Well maybe you do, but those people are crazy jerks.

Aneurhythmia

Can I critique the thread title?

Uncle Long

Sheri wrote: »

She sees herself as a vehicle for the heat. There's no conflicting description of the heat warming the earth itself, and there's no reason to think that this should happen independently of her, so there's no reason that she can't be seen (by herself or by the reader) as instrumental to the process.

If that's the case and she is instrumental to the process than perhaps there is a misappropriation of weight to her abandonment of her place in the process.

It's interesting, of course, to think that removing a part would disable the whole. When she goes to him it makes the act somewhat selfish and compelling.

I still think her place isn't clear in the whole of the thing; and it's tough to get around that in the restricted space you're working with.

I know I'm probably wrong here, but it doesn't feel as careful and as composed as microfiction should be. Sort of the way a poetry class makes haikus compared to the ones written centuries ago by poets.

Anyway, I don't think arguing about it is going to help me come to a a greater realization about the whole thing; but this is what I see.

Muncie

I'm going to do something obnoxious and quote the whole stories and then comment in some color. I haven't decided which color, yet. If I'm feeling especially snooty in about 10 seconds I'm going to pick a colour, instead. Also, single and double quotations will be interchangeable.

Sheri wrote: »

[font=Verdana]Interior Design


I ran into my mother the other day.  She’d been dead for ten years, but I found her sitting in one of the vintage velvet chairs in my living room, looking just as serene and plastic as she had in her casket, except with foggy, open eyes.

[COLOR="PaleTurquoise"]This opening leaves something to be desired, I think. The first sentence is a piss take: 'Here is a cliche, ripped from the bowels of modern American daily phrases.' Next sentence: 'Just kidding on the cliche, no, she's dead.' Changing the first sentence to "I ran into my dead mother the other day" would be pretty rotten, too, so I suspect that running into mother could be removed. Also, 'vintage velvet chair' leaves a lot to be desired, especially when it would probably be a more precisely purchased and admired piece of furniture for the narrator. You're specific about furniture in the rest of the story, so why not here? "...except with foggy, open eyes" rings pretty hollow, as well. All in all I think this section is weak because you aren't focusing as much on your characters sense of the aesthetic. I think for a micro-short to really work it needs to be dripping, absolutely dripping with style. [/COLOR]


“Hello, Mom.”  I stopped in the doorway to the living room, holding a thin vase with three white lilies.  It was very minimalist.  That was how I’d themed the living room: Victorian Minimalist.  “What are you doing here?”  She smiled silently, eyes glossy as a pair of marbles.

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]Again, thin vase with three white lilies seems too pedestrian. You might run the risk of overexposing your character's "gimmick," but honestly, this woman missed seeing her dying mother to paint a chair, so you might try taking the risk and seeing how you like it. There is also some jarring repetition here that may or may not have been intentional. You end the first paragraph with 'foggy, open eyes' and you're ending this one again with 'eyes glossy as a pair of marbles.' I think this would be stronger if you made her mother's eyes more active in the sentence if they are that important. [/COLOR]


I crossed the room quickly, setting the vase on a gold-trimmed oak end table, positioned expertly in front of open bay windows.  Stepping back, I eyed the hang of the curtains, then tipped one of the lilies slightly to the right.  “I’m sorry I didn’t come when you were in the hospital.”  I fluffed the satin curtains.  “The boudoir for the Valencia dining room showed up without a final coat of varnish.  I couldn’t very well let them put it in like that.  You understand.”  I turned around to see her still staring.  Her gaze followed as I walked back out of the living room.  “I did come to your funeral.”  Her eyes were empty, a set of windows opening into a gapingly barren great room.[/font]

"I couldn't well let them put it in like that. You understand." Those two lines are pretty unnecessary. I think it takes away from the impact of finding out she didn't visit her dying mother. These two lines extend that idea but I don't think they add anything to it.

I think I see what you're doing with this piece but it rings a little too empty to really have the effect. I think if you want to keep the everwatching eyes important you'll either need to focus on them better or save it for the end.

[font=Verdana]Spread

She laid out in the floor, wide open, arms and legs splayed in every direction, as if trying to get as far from one another as possible.  The wood panels of the floor were cool in the heat of the summer, seeping the warmth from her skin, hungry to steal the speed of her particles.  Sunlight slanted through huge windows facing the beach, and the waves rolled up on the sand like a rug, rolling and unrolling, a red carpet to the ocean.  The light fell on her in stripes, and she unsure if she is shaded with bright stripes or bright with shaded stripes.  The light was warm.  She could feel the heat on her toes, below her knees, her pelvis, below her breasts, her neck and the top of her hair.  It seeped in from the top and out through the bottom, an endless cycle of heat, melting down through the floorboards to the sand and the dirt and eventually to the molten core of the world, her heat feeding the earth, turning the planet, ensuring life.

[COLOR="Wheat"]"...speed of her particles" is an ambitious phrase. I found it a bit inconsistent with the rest of the language, but who knows. One reader's opinion: that phrase jars. [/COLOR]


The door opened.  ‘What are you doing?’

‘Saving the world.’

‘You’re naked.’

She opened one eye.  He stood in the doorway in a suit, briefcase hanging from his arm like an unbearable weight.  ‘Why don’t you put that down?’

He stared at her, studied her like an alien species or a financial report.  ‘I have some work to do.’  He started to walk into the study as the sun crept down her body.  He called from around the corner.  ‘And put some clothes on.  The people on the beach can see you.’

[COLOR="Yellow"]"He studied her like a financial report" rings truer than the alien autopsy. [/COLOR]

She lay like a Christmas spread for a few more moments until the sunlight slid down into her eyes.  She squinted, used her palm to block the glare.  The world would have to wait.  She got up and walked into the study.[/font]

All in all I think the second one is a lot stronger than the first, but the end of the second feels bland and almost automatic. I think the phrase "the world would have to wait" might be too telling.



So I guess this concludes my completely arbitrary and rule-less critique.

Also, limes!.

ElJeffe

I don't quite get either story. I mean, I understand them, but after reading each I'm left with a sense of "Yeah, and...?" Perhaps I'm missing the point.

Also, this sentence:

Sunlight slanted through huge windows facing the beach, and the waves rolled up on the sand like a rug, rolling and unrolling, a red carpet to the ocean.

I like the comparison of the ocean to a rug. I like it at first, that is, until you continue beating me over the head with it through the next two phrases, and I'm all, "GAAAAH MAKE THE METAPHOR STOP ASSAULTING ME GAAAAAH."

Mostly, these pieces strike me as really nice imagery in search of a point. After the last couple stories you've posted, they were something of a let-down.

candanavian

Sorry I just have to say this:

I wish i had boobs so that I could write <200 words and get a full page of long ass criticism

Uncle Long

Man...what?

I read your poem, if that's what you're bitter about, but I don't know what you were looking for there. I'm not pretending like you don't have a point with what you just posted; but when was it something we needed to be enlightened on?

edit: What I mean is this: yes, females on the internet tend to get more attention than males but the way you go about pointing that out basically equates to you saying that there is nothing to what she did to merit a page of criticism outside of her possession of tits, which is just erroneous and makes me, and I'd imagine a good number of other people not want to criticize what you've put up at all or at least not in a constructive manner.

Muncie

candanavian wrote: »

Sorry I just have to say this:

I wish i had boobs so that I could write <200 words and get a full page of long ass criticism

It has nothing to do with her being an active member of the forum, obviously.

Edcrab

The only possible explanation is that each and every one of TWB's regs has boobs, hence why they get critiques.

This news pleases me, but, despite the assload of feedback TFTW got when there was actually very little to it, I cannot find my pair. Someone help me find my boobs because I deserve them and I will not be denied boobs.

Munacra

I have moobs, thank you very much.

Metal Gear Solid 2 Demo

Edcrab wrote: »

The only possible explanation is that each and every one of TWB's regs has boobs, hence why they get critiques.

This news pleases me, but, despite the assload of feedback TFTW got when there was actually very little to it, I cannot find my pair. Someone help me find my boobs because I deserve them and I will not be denied boobs.

I can get you a good no down payment flat rate on some high quality boobs. Direct from the Orient.
For you...one fitty

ElJeffe

Muncie wrote: »

candanavian wrote: »

Sorry I just have to say this:

I wish i had boobs so that I could write <200 words and get a full page of long ass criticism

It has nothing to do with her being an active member of the forum, obviously.

Certainly the fact that she has a reputation as a pretty effective writer has squat to do with it, either.