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Mindfuck...(relationship thread)

MuragoMurago Registered User regular
edited November 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
I'll try to be as succinct as I can.

I've been with my current g/f for 4 and 1/2 years, we are a great couple. I think the possibility of finding someone else with the same ideals, humor, preferences, yadda yadda would be possible, just not probable. Anyway, things have changed. The first year, maybe year and a half were good times. Obviously with a new relationship, your finding out new things, trying things out and just having a good time all around. Now, we still have great times, i still think she's smoking hot and i love her and her company and everything. However, in that first year, we pretty much had sex any chance we got.

Now, in two months...its been like 5 times...maybe. I'm 22 years old, and i'm a decent lookin guy with a great sense of humour and i sing/play bass for a professional band and work at a cell phone store. She works part time at a pharmacy until 10:30 pm and goes to school 3 morning for like an hour. We live together in a nice house, and things are pretty good. Now, i try to see things from her perspective as much as i can, to be fair. She just got back on the pill (was off for like 3-4 months) and didn't have a period the ENTIRE time she was off it...which was scary as shit.

anyway, as i said, i'm young and if i could have things my way, (sexually) i'm probably in the mood every night (maybe sometimes a morning surprise or some afternoon delight ;-) ) But i can concede that not everyone is like me. my problem is, that when the relationship started, she was just as feisty as i still am. I've talked to her about this, and she just says she's very rarely in the mood. This gets me thinking...how many women are like this? At the beginning they are excited, and than later they just want to cuddle or spend time together. Are there women who are just always horny? Is there something wrong with me? I doubt that i'm an addict, since i don't really get distracted from my daily routine, and I've been able to live the past 3 years with low amounts of action.

Its kind of like false advertisement if at first you perform one way...and than after awhile your "mood" changes for good. I can concede that people change...but should i be punished for NOT changing? And why shouldn't i get what i want? I asked her if I deny her in ANY way...or if i'm mean or slanderous or abusive in ANY way? She said that she doesn't really have any complaints - we generally have a good relationship. I pay for like 90% of the payments, support her, and cherish her...am i really asking for that much? All i really want is what loving couples generally do anyway. I also asked her that if there was a pill that would put her in the mood, would she take it for me? She said absolutely she would. As i quick note, she's the only woman i've ever had sex with.

So what the fuck, my mind is just being raped and i need some clarity! Thoughts, Ideas, suggestions, comments, info is all welcome!

TL;DR

g/f used to be in the mood for hanky panky all the time, now 4 and 1/2 years into the relationship - i've had sex 5 times in two months. Are there women that enjoy sex as frequently as men (I) do, or am i an addict? Is there a pill that makes women horny? Thanks.

ps, check out the band in the sig! \/\/\/\/\/\/\/

:zzz:

Check out www.myspace.com/scarborough -- tell me what you think!
Murago on

Posts

  • redfenixredfenix Aka'd as rfix Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    welcome to the settling-in of the relationship. That, coupled with the pill, is your reason.

    Also, there's a terrible cycle with the differential in interest in sex, and its matching responsiveness.

    The more you want it, and are vocal about it, the less she'll want to, due to feeling pressured, then being stressed about it, etc.

    Maybe. Everyone's different, maybe there's something that's bothering her, which is getting in the way. Maybe it's just the pill/monotony. It happens. Don't assume any one thing I said is the magic reason, and certainly don't quote me when asking her about it. i.e. 'a guy on a forum said', etc.

    I've been married a little over a year now, and i'm lucky to get it every couple of weeks, but there's about 23947324324 reasons for that, and it's insanely complex, frustrating, and understandable.

    redfenix on
  • ZeeBeeKayZeeBeeKay Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Also, I gotta say, your attitude is a little bit creepy. Yes, it's completely natural for sex to drop off in a relationship without effort on the part of both people to keep it interesting. Yes, the pill can kill a woman's sex drive, as can a three to four month fuckup in something that is fairly regular for most of a woman's life.

    You need to talk to her about why she's not in the mood, and not use phrases like "false advertisement" and belittle how much she's working/going to school (which you may not have intended to do, but it certainly sounded like you aren't taking her workload seriously. She may be under more stress than seems reasonable to you, but her stress level is not something you get to decide and is not being helped by you pressuring her to have sex.) She didn't give you a false advertisement, as sex early in a relationship is not some sort of promise for sex later. She's not failing as a girlfriend by virtue of not being in the mood, and you need to examine what makes you sound like you think she is.

    If I wasn't in the mood regularly and my boyfriend jumped to a pill to "fix" me instead of spending some time talking about why I wasn't in the mood, I'd not be too eager to get back in the mood.

    ZeeBeeKay on
  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2007
    ZeeBeeKay wrote: »
    Also, I gotta say, your attitude is a little bit creepy. Yes, it's completely natural for sex to drop off in a relationship without effort on the part of both people to keep it interesting. Yes, the pill can kill a woman's sex drive, as can a three to four month fuckup in something that is fairly regular for most of a woman's life.

    You need to talk to her about why she's not in the mood, and not use phrases like "false advertisement" and belittle how much she's working/going to school (which you may not have intended to do, but it certainly sounded like you aren't taking her workload seriously. She may be under more stress than seems reasonable to you, but her stress level is not something you get to decide and is not being helped by you pressuring her to have sex.) She didn't give you a false advertisement, as sex early in a relationship is not some sort of promise for sex later. She's not failing as a girlfriend by virtue of not being in the mood, and you need to examine what makes you sound like you think she is.

    If I wasn't in the mood regularly and my boyfriend jumped to a pill to "fix" me instead of spending some time talking about why I wasn't in the mood, I'd not be too eager to get back in the mood.

    mmhmm. pretty much no-one else needs to post further at this stage.

    The Cat on
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  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    For some women, the pill can ruin their libido and simply make them uninterested in sex. However, the other things you're experiencing are things you can only fix by talking with her. While she should be excited to have sex with you, if you sound like you expect it from her she's going to have no interest in having sex.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • MuragoMurago Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I guess some back up is in order - she's been on the pill since she was 16 - dunno if i made that clear. She Just got off it b/c...well...i dunno why. I wouldn't say her being off of it made her more sexual then when she was on it. Also, i'm not to worried about the way i vocalize it...I pretty much told her everything i just told you guys, in the same way - and that's just the way our relationship is. I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around my thoughts, and vica versa. Which is one main reason I love how things are - I don't like to fuck around with people turning their heads and giving the silent treatment or being mad w/o saying something. That's crazy 2 year old shit and it doesn't belong in an adult relationship (my opinion obviously).

    Also, if i came off as belittling, thats just a misinterpretation in the text - b/c i know working at a pharmacy is a bitch.

    Is it wrong for me to expect things? It seems to me that a relationship is all about mutual gratification (for selfish and selfless reasons.) Shouldn't i be allowed to WANT things from her? I don't ask her for money, i don't make her do things she doesn't want to (like go out, or do drugs, or dancing, or w/e), and i certainly don't belittle her. After all, she wants certain things from me (and she gets them). Like i said, we verbalize pretty much everything very well, and we try to see where the other is coming from.

    Also, like i said in my OP, she said she would jump at the chance to feel more inclined for sex. I can see how you might react the way you said you would, and i respect that - but in my circumstance, she actually would do it for mutual gain. She wants to feel that way, both for herself and for me. I admire at least the thought of doing what she can to make us both happy. Isn't that what you should do in a relationship? Why wouldn't you do anything for the one you loved? I dunno, for me it just comes down to that.

    Murago on
    Check out www.myspace.com/scarborough -- tell me what you think!
  • SoonerManSoonerMan Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Tough shit. Ex and me used to be quite handsy with each over 06's summer and had a great time doing it. For some reason she just quit for a spastic period of a month or two at a time. Frustrating? Hell ya. But it wasn't something big I didn't feel. Ya, I had to pleasure myself for a while but whatevs.

    SoonerMan on
    Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
  • MuragoMurago Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    SoonerMan wrote: »
    Tough shit. Ex and me used to be quite handsy with each over 06's summer and had a great time doing it. For some reason she just quit for a spastic period of a month or two at a time. Frustrating? Hell ya. But it wasn't something big I didn't feel. Ya, I had to pleasure myself for a while but whatevs.

    Confused...So this is still ongoing every one or two months...or was that a one time thing?

    Murago on
    Check out www.myspace.com/scarborough -- tell me what you think!
  • TaterskinTaterskin Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    No you arent an addict.

    Have you tried romancing her? Simple things like foot massages or a candlelit bath together with wine. You know, something more than 'drop your drawers and let me give you 20'.

    Taterskin on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Wow, I suppose you're not meaning to sound so creepy, but that's kind of how it's coming across. You list things that you do for her (money, etc.) and expect her to provide you with sex? And you're talking about "false advertisement"? Your girlfriend is not a prostitute; you don't stay with her and do nice things for her in return for sex, you do that because you want to and because you care about her as a person. If this is how you're talking to her, no wonder she isn't in the mood. I wouldn't be either if my boyfriend was all "I provide for you so you'd better give it up, even if you're not horny at all, just 'cause I'm entitled to get my rocks off."

    As for the libido thing, she may be stressed, it may be a hormonal thing from coming off the pill, it may be that your relationship has gotten settled and you two need to do more romantic things, etc. It might be a combination of things. First, you guys should have a long talk. Second, she should go to a gynecologist (should be going regularly for pap smears and such anyway) and make sure everything is in proper working order. Third, I would recommend a regular "date night" where you two get dressed up and go out. Living together is lovely, but my boyfriend and I see each other all the time this way, you know? And it's hard to be romantic when we spend most nights goofing off on the computer or watching TV in our ratty pjs.

    Trowizilla on
  • HalfmexHalfmex I mock your value system You also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Basically this boils down to the one major downside of a committed relationship: familiarity. Your situation is quite common (in fact I've had more than a few conversations with my wife about it as we're in the same boat). Where intimacy was instinctual and spontaneous at first, it now becomes a conscious effort. In short: it takes some measure of concerted effort to maintain a good physical relationship after you've been together for years.

    What you need to do is decide how important sex with her is to you. Is it worth putting on the back burner to enjoy the rest of the good things that you get out of the relationship today, or is it more important than those things such that a change needs to be made? Personally, I've been very up front with my wife about this and we both know where the other is coming from, so while she is making an effort to be more proactive in terms of intimacy, I am trying to be a bit more patient about it. It is difficult as I'm sure you know; we both now have two drastically different libidos.

    So, to sum up: decide how important being intimate with her is to you (or, frankly, how important sex in general is to you). If it's something you can deal with only having once every two weeks or so, then you're in good shape where you're at. If instead, you find yourself unfulfilled and would like a change, your choices are to either keep working on it with her and be as patient as you can, or find someone else with a libido closer to your own.

    Halfmex on
  • AftyAfty Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Murago wrote: »
    Also, like i said in my OP, she said she would jump at the chance to feel more inclined for sex. I can see how you might react the way you said you would, and i respect that - but in my circumstance, she actually would do it for mutual gain. She wants to feel that way, both for herself and for me. I admire at least the thought of doing what she can to make us both happy. Isn't that what you should do in a relationship? Why wouldn't you do anything for the one you loved? I dunno, for me it just comes down to that.

    Like accept that you are going to have less sex?

    To me it sounds like you need to grow up a little bit. Perhaps you have friends around you and you are seeing all these guys going from girl to girl and you are getting a little jealous and its making you a little bitter towards your girlfriend, don't let it.

    Im 23 and rapidly approaching 6 years in my relationship, do we have sex 5 times a week ? No.

    Just make it really count when you do, make it about HER. From here it sounds like you are being kinda selfish about, asking "why aren't i getting any action i deserve more!"

    The more she enjoys it and the more love you show her, the more she will want to... you know ... do it.

    Afty on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    The other aspect of familiarity is that, when it comes to sex, some people feel that it's about reading minds, rather than being an activity that requires two people. You say that you talk to her about all of this, which is great. But what about at night (or whenever you typically have sex)? Do you sit around on the computer or playing video games, hoping she comes by with no clothes on? Or do you hang around her, sweetening her up?

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    If this is how you talk to your GF, then I think I may have found the problem.

    You ask if it's wrong for you to have expectations, the answer is yes. The days where women are expected to provide sexual release for their significant others, regardless of their own wishes, are long gone.

    Frankly, you should be considering what YOU'VE done to bring about this situation... because if the passion has gone out of the relationship, perhaps it is because you are treating her like some kind of sexual vending machine.

    Sentry on
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  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    isn't it ass backwards to NOT get your period when you stop taking the pill?

    JohnnyCache on
  • wunderbarwunderbar What Have I Done? Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    ya, welcome to life. As relationships go on longer, you have less sex. That's part of growing closer. It sounds weird, but it's true.

    When you first start seeing someone, it's usually a strong physical attraction, hence more sex. But, as time goes on, and you get closer, it's more about being together, and enjoying eachother, just in a different way.

    Honestly, it's a bit of compromise. You need to give a little, and so does she. You need to talk about it.

    You just have to learn to turn your sex drive down a little, and understand that she's not always going to want sex.

    IF you expect sex every day, you need to really re-evaluate your priorities, and whether you really love her, or just want to have someone you can sleep with. I know that that sounds harsh, but it's true.

    wunderbar on
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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    To the OP, have you tried adding more romance?

    While you state you're up for it any time, you have to have been living in a cave to know that women aren't the same. If you just expect her to drop trou and go at it whenever YOU feel like it, she's not going to get anything out of it. Take her out to a nice dinner, buy her flowers, go on a fun trip, dance with her, just the corny shit we guys never want to do.

    And yes, sex is naturally going to become less important the longer you know each other, especially if you both have lives/careers you're working on. Stress also has an impact on sex, so if either of you is feeling particularly stressed, that's probably affecting it as well.

    RocketSauce on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    isn't it ass backwards to NOT get your period when you stop taking the pill?

    Nope. It can take months for your body to readjust, and not having a period is part of that. Can't say I ever minded not bleeding every month, and it's easy enough to grab a pregnancy test to make sure the period skipping is because of wonky hormones and not a baby.

    Trowizilla on
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Place at the tableRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    no, I mean, I thought it was normal not to have one ON the pill and then get it (sometimes in spades) when you come off of it. Isn't that the whole reason the pill tapers off every month, so you don't go years without having a period? (because doctors think that's bad for some inexplicable reason)

    At least that's how several girls I know are.

    Perhaps women's hormones are as unique as the different ways in which they hate me.

    JohnnyCache on
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    g/f used to be in the mood for hanky panky all the time, now 4 and 1/2 years into the relationship - i've had sex 5 times in two months. Are there women that enjoy sex as frequently as men (I) do, or am i an addict? Is there a pill that makes women horny? Thanks.

    Hmph. ONLY 5 times in two months. I consider you lucky, personally. :P

    My, now fiancee, girlfriend and I fooled around a lot when we first met. We've only had "sex" once, but the rest of the time it's fooling around. We're trying to wait till we get married before we go overboard with secks and stuff.

    Anyway... Back to the story... When we first met we fooled around a lot, and had a good time. Almost every time we saw each other we'd end up doing something. At about the one year mark we were still fooling around, but only at certain times (She lives with her parents, and I used to stay the night in the spare bedroom... and she'd sneak in early morning and etc).

    I'm about 3 years into it, and I consider myself lucky if we mess around once every six or so months. Stress from school and stuff adds to it... But I don't mind. It happens. If she says she's not in the mood, she's not in the mood.

    The point is, she might be losing interest because she's stressed and working her ass off or something. It happens. Just give it time... Help her relax, give her a back massage... Don't put your dong in her face and expect things to happen, you know?

    I spent a good 15-20 minutes writing this so it's probably not very legible... I'm at work and all of a sudden I got a ton of calls. Oh well... good luck to you sir!

    urahonky on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    no, I mean, I thought it was normal not to have one ON the pill and then get it (sometimes in spades) when you come off of it. Isn't that the whole reason the pill tapers off every month, so you don't go years without having a period? (because doctors think that's bad for some inexplicable reason)

    At least that's how several girls I know are.

    Perhaps women's hormones are as unique as the different ways in which they hate me.

    The thing is, the period you have when you're on the pill isn't a "real" period, since you're not ovulating. You bleed on the no-pill week, yeah, but often not as much or as long. It can take a long time for your body to get used to regulating itself again to produce an actual, not-signaled-by-end-of-pill-pack period. It took about 4 months for my poor, confused uterus to get the idea again after I went off the pill, and that's not at all unusual. On the other hand, some women have tons and tons of bleeding because they don't have the pill to tell their body to stop, plus they've gotten used to the lighter pill cycle. It's all very exciting. :P

    Fun fact! It's perfectly healthy and doctor-recommended to skip periods with birth control pills (I did it for months and months on end when I could afford it). The human body really isn't "meant" to have as many periods as it does, as, with modern medicine, contraceptives, and mores, we're lengthening women's fertile years while decreasing the amount of pregnancies (where, of course, you don't get a period) so women are having many, many more cycles than they would without all our modern stuff. But anyway, with the pill, the end-of-the-month Aunt Flo's visit is more to reassure women who would supposedly get weirded out about not bleeding than it is for any medical reason.

    Trowizilla on
  • Apothe0sisApothe0sis Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality? Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    no, I mean, I thought it was normal not to have one ON the pill and then get it (sometimes in spades) when you come off of it. Isn't that the whole reason the pill tapers off every month, so you don't go years without having a period? (because doctors think that's bad for some inexplicable reason)

    At least that's how several girls I know are.

    Perhaps women's hormones are as unique as the different ways in which they hate me.

    It wasn't the doctors who thought it was bad, it was the Church. The pill was designed such that quasi-periods would appear on a regular basis in an attempt to satisfy the church that it was ok and "natural"*. Just another reason to support your local branch of the RCC.

    *And we know how that turned out anyway.

    Apothe0sis on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Obviously this post is full of generalisations because I haven't dated every woman in the world.

    Stress is the number one cause in drop in libido. Men experience it too, but we usually (by large) have a larger sex drive compared to women so when it drops it still pretty fucking high.

    Giving a back massage will not equal sex. It isn't basic man logic where you go I will trade you this for this. You should just give her a back massage for the sake of relaxing her.

    But really I've found the biggest way to relieve stress for women is to get rid of all stress factors in the house. Forget about buying her flowers (though they will help) or something. Clean the goddam house and make them dinner then wash up (I am not saying that you expect your woman to do all of this all the time you should be pulling your share too) but if there is nothing for her to stress about then there is a greater chance of her being in the mood.

    Blake T on
  • SlayerCaitSlayerCait Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I usually end up this way in relationships after the "honeymoon" phase or whatever it's called. I think it happens pretty often to women...sometimes we just don't have the sex drive that men do. Of course we love a good romp once in a while, but it's not like we crave it every day like most men do. Talk with her a bit more about it and respect what she wants to do. Maybe there are other things you can do for her that will make her more "in the mood", like some romancing or foreplay. Make her dinner, watch a romantic movie (this one works for me), stroke her in sensitive places...there's gotta be something that turns her on.

    SlayerCait on
    Girls will keep the secrets
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  • DakalDakal Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Weekend Getaway + Romancing her may work.

    Do spontaneous, romantic things at random times.

    More walks in the park and less TV/Movies/internet.

    Its all I got. Works ok for me if there is a dip in activity.

    Dakal on
  • Butterfly4uButterfly4u Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Dude welcome to married/long term relationship life. Married men everywhere are complaining about not getting enough sex.

    Butterfly4u on
    Butterfly
  • KamiKami Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    What I noticed when I was with my ex, any time she wasn't 'feeling it', we'd take a sexual break for a bit, and go do more things together. Go have a picnic, go enjoy a night on the town, things like that. It worked like a charm, as I've found that women respond better to romance, and simply being with their partner, not necessarily in a sexual way.

    Also, when a woman brings up wanting to have sex, I've found it's much, much better. :winky:

    Kami on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Can we please stop with the "women want it less" stereotype? Mismatched libidos don't just go one way, and generalizing like that isn't helpful. Having a partner who wants to have sex a lot more or a lot less than you do is frustrating for everyone, no matter what genders are involved.

    To the OP: you should try to figure out if her libido is being affected by stress or if this is just what it's naturally settled into, and if that's the latter, do some soulsearching of your own. Will you be happy in the relationship if the sex is never going to be frequent enough to suit you? Can you cope with that without making her feel guilty/pressured/defective in some way? If not, do both of you a favor and get out now.

    Trowizilla on
  • Butterfly4uButterfly4u Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Trowizilla wrote: »
    Can we please stop with the "women want it less" stereotype? Mismatched libidos don't just go one way, and generalizing like that isn't helpful. Having a partner who wants to have sex a lot more or a lot less than you do is frustrating for everyone, no matter what genders are involved.

    To the OP: you should try to figure out if her libido is being affected by stress or if this is just what it's naturally settled into, and if that's the latter, do some soulsearching of your own. Will you be happy in the relationship if the sex is never going to be frequent enough to suit you? Can you cope with that without making her feel guilty/pressured/defective in some way? If not, do both of you a favor and get out now.

    I know this all too well. My man wants sex once or twice a week. I want it 2 times a day. I've accepted not getting sex as much as I used to. Now my libido is closer to his. I think libido is partially mental and partially physical. Once you accept that it's ok not to have sex as much as you want it you'll feel better.

    Butterfly4u on
    Butterfly
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Blaket wrote: »
    Giving a back massage will not equal sex. It isn't basic man logic where you go I will trade you this for this. You should just give her a back massage for the sake of relaxing her.

    Oops. Yeah it does sorta sound like that's what I meant. I didn't mean back massage = insta-sex. I mean, give her a damn back massage because she's stressed out. Help her take her mind off of work and stuff.

    urahonky on
  • Limp mooseLimp moose Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    what others have said about romancing her is true.

    Also dont be so sexually available yourself. Im sure part of her problem is that she can have sex with you whenever she is in the mood. There is no reason for her to seek out sex unless she feels like it because you are always there and wanting it.

    Romance her a bit and then dont offer it up. Make her want you. Do sexy stuff all day. And then disappear for an evening. I guarantee when you see her next she is going to jump your bones.

    Limp moose on
  • MuragoMurago Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Limp moose wrote: »
    what others have said about romancing her is true.

    Also dont be so sexually available yourself. Im sure part of her problem is that she can have sex with you whenever she is in the mood. There is no reason for her to seek out sex unless she feels like it because you are always there and wanting it.

    Romance her a bit and then dont offer it up. Make her want you. Do sexy stuff all day. And then disappear for an evening. I guarantee when you see her next she is going to jump your bones.

    this makes sense to me...

    I like the idea of turning the shit around!

    Murago on
    Check out www.myspace.com/scarborough -- tell me what you think!
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Murago wrote: »
    Limp moose wrote: »
    what others have said about romancing her is true.

    Also dont be so sexually available yourself. Im sure part of her problem is that she can have sex with you whenever she is in the mood. There is no reason for her to seek out sex unless she feels like it because you are always there and wanting it.

    Romance her a bit and then dont offer it up. Make her want you. Do sexy stuff all day. And then disappear for an evening. I guarantee when you see her next she is going to jump your bones.

    this makes sense to me...

    I like the idea of turning the shit around!

    man... I really hope your girlfriend wises up and dumps your ass. You have such a cro-magnon mentality about male/female dynamics that you make the most hardcore frat boy look like Bell Hooks.

    Seriously, just crawl back under your rock.

    Sentry on
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    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
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  • redfenixredfenix Aka'd as rfix Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Trowizilla wrote: »
    Can we please stop with the "women want it less" stereotype? Mismatched libidos don't just go one way, and generalizing like that isn't helpful. Having a partner who wants to have sex a lot more or a lot less than you do is frustrating for everyone, no matter what genders are involved.

    To the OP: you should try to figure out if her libido is being affected by stress or if this is just what it's naturally settled into, and if that's the latter, do some soulsearching of your own. Will you be happy in the relationship if the sex is never going to be frequent enough to suit you? Can you cope with that without making her feel guilty/pressured/defective in some way? If not, do both of you a favor and get out now.

    I know this all too well. My man wants sex once or twice a week. I want it 2 times a day. I've accepted not getting sex as much as I used to. Now my libido is closer to his. I think libido is partially mental and partially physical. Once you accept that it's ok not to have sex as much as you want it you'll feel better.

    O, to have his problem.

    Also, I totally agree it's not always the same one-way street, to be constructive.

    redfenix on
  • Rey Del AguilaRey Del Aguila __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    I have never met a smiling pharmacist in my life. I noticed this and asked some one who knew a lot about it and they said it might because there is no room for advancement once you become a pharmacist.

    Maybe capture her imagination)?( I dunno I got nothin'

    Rey Del Aguila on
    Because you know who SAID you know what with you know who, let's keep that between me and you.
  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Murago wrote: »
    Limp moose wrote: »
    what others have said about romancing her is true.

    Also dont be so sexually available yourself. Im sure part of her problem is that she can have sex with you whenever she is in the mood. There is no reason for her to seek out sex unless she feels like it because you are always there and wanting it.

    Romance her a bit and then dont offer it up. Make her want you. Do sexy stuff all day. And then disappear for an evening. I guarantee when you see her next she is going to jump your bones.

    this makes sense to me...

    I like the idea of turning the shit around!

    Woah woah woah. Do NOT do this. It might SEEM like it makes sense at first glance, but it does not work that way.

    What is more likely to happen is that your partner, who doesnt really feel like sex as it is, will simply continue to not seek out sex, and you will have even less sex than you already have*

    Also, theres a chance that by stopping your advances you will send mixed signals. She may end up feeling like you dont desire her anymore, reducing her self esteem and making her even less interested in sex. Or make her suspicious, why are you suddenly less interested in sex?

    No. The right course of action is to talk about it together and work it out in an open fashion. See a counsellor if need be. Have your partner talk to her doctor, it might be time to try different methods of contraception, as the pill can reduce libido as mentioned already in this thread.

    Ultimately, it is possible that you do both just have mismatched libidos and then you need to evaluate how important that aspect of your relationship is to you.

    *I would point out that sex 5 times in 2 months, or a little better than once a fortnight, after 4.5 years of a relationship is not awful.

    Cryogen on
  • LondonBridgeLondonBridge __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    Yeah, this is normal is a long relationship. Anyways, you gotta warm her up some. When you two are relaxed in bed try longer make out sessions, just kiss and nothing else.

    LondonBridge on
  • wenchkillawenchkilla Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Sentry wrote: »
    Murago wrote: »
    Limp moose wrote: »
    what others have said about romancing her is true.

    Also dont be so sexually available yourself. Im sure part of her problem is that she can have sex with you whenever she is in the mood. There is no reason for her to seek out sex unless she feels like it because you are always there and wanting it.

    Romance her a bit and then dont offer it up. Make her want you. Do sexy stuff all day. And then disappear for an evening. I guarantee when you see her next she is going to jump your bones.

    this makes sense to me...

    I like the idea of turning the shit around!

    man... I really hope your girlfriend wises up and dumps your ass. You have such a cro-magnon mentality about male/female dynamics that you make the most hardcore frat boy look like Bell Hooks.

    Seriously, just crawl back under your rock.

    He thinks like a Frech cavemen? :)
    Honestly though, I see exactly where you're coming from. From everything he says, and how he says it, I really don't imagine him helping her out around the house, cuddling and spending time together, doing things that she likes to do without expecting something in return.

    I mean, do you want her to have sex with you when she doesn't want to? I've been on both sides of that, where the other person is doing it because they feel like they should, not because they want to, and it's not really fun for anyone involved.

    wenchkilla on
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