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you should write a book.
i laid in a comfortable position, then started counting my exhales
anytime i moved i started over
it was pretty much a gaurantee that i wouldnt reach 100
Sorry guys, I got all depressed again so I was watching videos about Angler Fish on Youtube instead of resting for work.
I went to my optician once, and he started doing a load of tests I'd never seen before. Naturally this caused me little alarm bells to start going off in the back of my head. Not major ones, but still. At the end of the eye exam, he looked at me and said in a slightly solemn manner, "There's something on your eye."
What.
"What kind of thing?", I ask.
"I don't know."
What.
So he schedules a doctor's appointment for me in six months time (thank you, NHS!), throughout which I start to panick that I'm going to go blind or something. So the time finally passes, and I arrive at the doc's. He repeats the tests, finishes, and starts writing up a report.
"So, uh, what's wrong with me?", I slowly enquire. He turns, looking slightly surprised at my curiousity.
"Oh, it's nothing major. You just sleep with your eyes open, it's caused a part of your cornea to become over-exposed."
What.
So apparently I'm some kind of fucking elf. The doc's theory has been backed up by a few friends and exes who have indeed seen me sleep with my eyes open. Fucking hell.
MELISSA
Hahaha, this story could only be better if it were being told by Pony, or another sociopath.
Just staring them down with the cold eyes all night long.
you mean demon right
not elf
evil spirit
That is freaky.
But that's the weird thing about sleep - anybody who sleeps differently from the way you sleep is viewed as weird. Because sleep is universal, so anybody who does so differently from you is, unavoidably, viewed as freakish. Something occurring on that wide a scale, you assume everybody must do it just like you do. Judging the macro scale on a micro system.
Oh no, I sound like Suave. Noooooooooo!
Oh shit, I am veering
last time i went to the eye doctor he told me that i am becomming so near-sighted that my eyes are so strectched that they should start tearing the corneas off the back of my eyes
my eyes are tearing themselves apart
hahaha
not quite yet
he gave me a bunch of warning signs to watch for
now if i see anything dark in my periphiral vision i get nervous
shadow people
hell no i ain't ever had an assful of barium
chardonnay, on the other hand
ellipses
ahhhh!!!
fuck no
turn off all the lights and start lookin around real fast
...You've had champagne in your arse?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/registry/wishlist/1A4GKH199FBMU/ - My wishlist
In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
fuckin classy
who hasn't
I sleep with my eyes half-open.
does fire burn
the answer to both of them is 'yes, and it feels good'
I am laughing so hard right now.
people are staring at me. Thanks alot.
mission accomplished
now, let me show you how to remove the cork from a wine bottle with only your rectum
Now that's a party trick!
well I wouldn't do it without an audience
I saw that done more than once still the broken blade and shards of glass everywhere was a bad roll done by the waiter.
still looks cool
best of both
I imagine that would be quite hard to swing the sword.
I mean.....Like almost impossible.
you are a delight
strong hips
you just have to swing your hips
although i feel bad for the guy who has to hold the bottle
that means he has to go big end in first
thats gonna be rough
it's hilariously ludicrous