So yeah, in defense of banging your friends, or whatever.
My girlfriend of going-on ten years - with a three-year break right in the middle of that - was my best friend all through high school. We didn't start dating until after graduation. During high school went to movies, acted like intellectuals in coffeeshops, shared books, and played videogames together. We had lots of the same interests, and enough disagreements within those interests that we always had something to talk about. We also, during that period, both had relationships with other people; these were of the really intense first-love variety, the kind that end with your soul getting torn out of your chest and run through a woodchipper.
When we finally hooked up it was the most comfortable, natural, inevitable-feeling thing in the world. There's always been the sense that not much has changed about our best-friend type relationship, except of course that it's much closer and more intimate. Even the three-year breakup wasn't all that painful; we saw each other off and on the whole time, despite living in different cities, and there was always that closeness. There was even an unspoken but totally non-stalkery understanding that we'd come back to each other eventually.
I dunno; I guess I recommend doing it that way if you possibly can. The other relationships I've been through have had the intense, desperate spark, but they have not had this thing, where we just hang out at home and goof off for hours, or all night, or a weekend. In my old age I've come to think of love as basically just an infatuation and a friendship that can coexist without destroying each other. I have no idea if that's romantic or just really lame.
Eh. I don't expect to be able to find someone that shares all my interests in an agreeable fashion. It's just statistically unlikely. As such, I largely gave up on the idea of finding a "perfect one" and instead go the Frankstienian method of finding several people with those features and maintaining a variety of relationships with them. This way I get to be all of myself with someone one chunk at a time instead of someone having to be me with a bra and a good waxing.
The only downside so far is that sometimes they want babies.
Something also to consider with this thread: you are much more likely to date a girl from your social network, than outside of it. Meaning, you are way more likely to meet someone through a friend, or someone who is a direct friend already. Very rarely do people meet romantic interests by doing cold approaches (met at a bar, etc..).
I think it's mostly a game of odds. You're way more likely to talk to someone, and subsequently for a romantic interest in them, if you have someone introduce you to them, and sort of act as a cushion of social comfort. A lot of people are unwilling or afraid to approach someone they don't know, even if your chances of outright rejection are much smaller than your chances of acceptance.
For the longest time I was "socially backward." In other words, I was lazy and I let any interested parties come to me. This worked out quite well for me, and I learned a few things because I got a wide personality spectrum from this.
First, as Jeff says, I would say the most important thing is to have someone you can laugh with. Hobbies are secondary. You'll find something you both like to do. The important thing is that you can have fun together from personality mesh.
My current lady (of over 2ish years now) is very like me in humor. We are both very sarcastic and mercilessly cruel in our verbal jabs, with a good measure of "So's your face" thrown in for good measure.
Statistically, it probably shouldn't work. She's old school republican (so, you know, actually conservative) and I'm quite liberal. She saw college as a chore, I loved it. Etc. But it works because of our humor and our mutual respect for each other.
I do wish I could talk art with her above the level of the common skeptic stance she takes, but you know you can't have it all.
I have this problem with being attracted to girls who I don't actually particularly like. My last girlfriend was weird to the point of being borderline insane,, and to this day I cannot figure out why I was so incredibly attractive to her. Problem is, I'm attracted to intelligent, interesting, beautiful women like everyone else, but all the ones I meet are crazy or weird in some sort of not very good way. Anyone else have this problem or am I just venting to a silent and uncaring forum?
I tend to look for friends who I'm not easily bored with. I tend to get bored with anyone if I spend too much time with him or her, but if we're cool with each other for 3-4 days of the week, we're golden.
Pretty much the same things annoy me in both friendly and romantic interests, so there's not a lot of difference there...
I guess I prefer my romantic interests to be extremely hot and good at sex. I don't hold my friends to the same standards in that respect.
Loren Michael on
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
I have this problem with being attracted to girls who I don't actually particularly like. My last girlfriend was weird to the point of being borderline insane,, and to this day I cannot figure out why I was so incredibly attractive to her. Problem is, I'm attracted to intelligent, interesting, beautiful women like everyone else, but all the ones I meet are crazy or weird in some sort of not very good way. Anyone else have this problem or am I just venting to a silent and uncaring forum?
If the common thread between allthese crazy women is you, then you should start wondering why that is. Awesome women exist. they're actually pretty common.
t loren michael, those are the things that I'd look for in a hookup, or friends with benefits. Not when looking for a partner.
Something that's become huge for me lately is that I noticed I'm putting more emphasis on looks that I used to.
I think this is largely because I have dropped tons of weight, and continue to strive to be healthier. I used to be attracted to overweight/chubby girls as long as her personality matched mine, but nowadays I can't get over the body issue. Though I don't think it's an issue of me being shallow, but looking for someone that will match my new healthier lifestyle.
There's something to be said for opposites attracting as well.
I'm more in favor of the theory that two people, regardless of their similarities, will statistically land in the same environment when they happen to be horny.
The chances of finding a relationship/getting laid may be increased by doing some obvious things:
1) Hang around women more often. As a young male you'll always be horny. Girls will be horny but not as often. However I'm sure the amount of time is fairly consistant.
2) Work out a little. Give more credit to LTR's that it's normally due. If you die of a heart attack at 36 your relationship is going to be quite brief.
3) Don't get caught masturbating outside your prospective mate's window. I'm not sure the ramifications of this one since I've never been caught, but I imagine if I had, then it'd be bad. :twisted:
I guess I prefer my romantic interests to be extremely hot and good at sex. I don't hold my friends to the same standards in that respect.
You should. It would make hanging out with them so much more fun.
My friends do tend to skew towards the "attractive" end of the spectrum, but I remain pretty firmly ignorant of their sexual prowess.
Two of them (they were my roommates) have dated screamers though.
That's a little weird. I didn't dig that.
I never dated a screamer but I have dated a cryer (after alleged orgasm). That was weird. As for the screaming, I always thought maybe I was doing something wrong.
themightypuck on
“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”
― Marcus Aurelius
Path of Exile: themightypuck
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Podlyyou unzipped me! it's all coming back! i don't like it!Registered Userregular
Something that's become huge for me lately is that I noticed I'm putting more emphasis on looks that I used to.
I think this is largely because I have dropped tons of weight, and continue to strive to be healthier. I used to be attracted to overweight/chubby girls as long as her personality matched mine, but nowadays I can't get over the body issue. Though I don't think it's an issue of me being shallow, but looking for someone that will match my new healthier lifestyle.
...yeah, I mean that's partly it, but you can also start dating better looking women - which is a good thing. Just as someone who started bettering themselves by reading shouldn't feel guilty for dating a smarter person, someone who has bettered themselves by working out shouldn't feel guilty for dating equally attractive people.
Posts
My girlfriend of going-on ten years - with a three-year break right in the middle of that - was my best friend all through high school. We didn't start dating until after graduation. During high school went to movies, acted like intellectuals in coffeeshops, shared books, and played videogames together. We had lots of the same interests, and enough disagreements within those interests that we always had something to talk about. We also, during that period, both had relationships with other people; these were of the really intense first-love variety, the kind that end with your soul getting torn out of your chest and run through a woodchipper.
When we finally hooked up it was the most comfortable, natural, inevitable-feeling thing in the world. There's always been the sense that not much has changed about our best-friend type relationship, except of course that it's much closer and more intimate. Even the three-year breakup wasn't all that painful; we saw each other off and on the whole time, despite living in different cities, and there was always that closeness. There was even an unspoken but totally non-stalkery understanding that we'd come back to each other eventually.
I dunno; I guess I recommend doing it that way if you possibly can. The other relationships I've been through have had the intense, desperate spark, but they have not had this thing, where we just hang out at home and goof off for hours, or all night, or a weekend. In my old age I've come to think of love as basically just an infatuation and a friendship that can coexist without destroying each other. I have no idea if that's romantic or just really lame.
The only downside so far is that sometimes they want babies.
I think it's mostly a game of odds. You're way more likely to talk to someone, and subsequently for a romantic interest in them, if you have someone introduce you to them, and sort of act as a cushion of social comfort. A lot of people are unwilling or afraid to approach someone they don't know, even if your chances of outright rejection are much smaller than your chances of acceptance.
First, as Jeff says, I would say the most important thing is to have someone you can laugh with. Hobbies are secondary. You'll find something you both like to do. The important thing is that you can have fun together from personality mesh.
My current lady (of over 2ish years now) is very like me in humor. We are both very sarcastic and mercilessly cruel in our verbal jabs, with a good measure of "So's your face" thrown in for good measure.
Statistically, it probably shouldn't work. She's old school republican (so, you know, actually conservative) and I'm quite liberal. She saw college as a chore, I loved it. Etc. But it works because of our humor and our mutual respect for each other.
I do wish I could talk art with her above the level of the common skeptic stance she takes, but you know you can't have it all.
People are less likely to jump into a relationship with you if they don't see anyone else finding you worth talking to.
Pretty much the same things annoy me in both friendly and romantic interests, so there's not a lot of difference there...
I guess I prefer my romantic interests to be extremely hot and good at sex. I don't hold my friends to the same standards in that respect.
If the common thread between allthese crazy women is you, then you should start wondering why that is. Awesome women exist. they're actually pretty common.
t loren michael, those are the things that I'd look for in a hookup, or friends with benefits. Not when looking for a partner.
I think this is largely because I have dropped tons of weight, and continue to strive to be healthier. I used to be attracted to overweight/chubby girls as long as her personality matched mine, but nowadays I can't get over the body issue. Though I don't think it's an issue of me being shallow, but looking for someone that will match my new healthier lifestyle.
My friends do tend to skew towards the "attractive" end of the spectrum, but I remain pretty firmly ignorant of their sexual prowess.
Two of them (they were my roommates) have dated screamers though.
That's a little weird. I didn't dig that.
I'm more in favor of the theory that two people, regardless of their similarities, will statistically land in the same environment when they happen to be horny.
The chances of finding a relationship/getting laid may be increased by doing some obvious things:
1) Hang around women more often. As a young male you'll always be horny. Girls will be horny but not as often. However I'm sure the amount of time is fairly consistant.
2) Work out a little. Give more credit to LTR's that it's normally due. If you die of a heart attack at 36 your relationship is going to be quite brief.
3) Don't get caught masturbating outside your prospective mate's window. I'm not sure the ramifications of this one since I've never been caught, but I imagine if I had, then it'd be bad. :twisted:
I never dated a screamer but I have dated a cryer (after alleged orgasm). That was weird. As for the screaming, I always thought maybe I was doing something wrong.
― Marcus Aurelius
Path of Exile: themightypuck
...yeah, I mean that's partly it, but you can also start dating better looking women - which is a good thing. Just as someone who started bettering themselves by reading shouldn't feel guilty for dating a smarter person, someone who has bettered themselves by working out shouldn't feel guilty for dating equally attractive people.