Deuce royale

GameHat

OK, I gotta ask.

You're feeling a bit ... overloaded.

You hit the restroom. Sit down, enjoy a nice magazine for maybe 10 minutes.

The act occurs.

Then you prepare to clean up after said act and you realize there's nothing to clean up with.

There's nobody around. It's not feasible to venture outside your domicile to purchase any sanitary tissue. You're caught with your pants around your ankles and you're feeling perhaps not so fresh.

What do you do?

Bloods End

Tongue.

Cats do it.

Comahawk

Use a sock.

Centipede Damascus

shuffle to the laundry room where the extra rolls are kept

shuffle back to the bathroom

ChicoBlue

Shuffle out, pants and underwears around ankles, and demand something to wipe with because there's nothing in the restroom and oh god be quick because it's starting to dribble down my leg HURRY FUCK HURRY YES A PAPER TOWEL WILL DO, BUT YOU CAN'T FLUSH THEM BECAUSE THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE IT WILL GET CLOGGED SO I'M JUST GONNA TOSS IT OUT THE WINDOW WHEN I'M DONE WITH IT YEAH BOUNTY IS A GOOD BRAND THE QUICKER PICKER UPPER OR SOME SHIT RIGHT

GameHat

Bloods End wrote: »

Tongue.

Cats do it.

Your own tongue? That would require some remarkable flexibility.

If you have someone else willing to do that...man, I don't even want to know.

Centipede Damascus

GameHat wrote: »

Bloods End wrote: »

Tongue.

Cats do it.

Your own tongue? That would require some remarkable flexibility.

If you have someone else willing to do that...man, I don't even want to know.

2girls1anus

Bloods End

GameHat wrote: »

Bloods End wrote: »

Tongue.

Cats do it.

Your own tongue? That would require some remarkable flexibility.

If you have someone else willing to do that...man, I don't even want to know.

Man up and take some yoga, Twinkletoes.

Raneados

I don't have such dribbly poop apparently

Centipede Damascus

I'm going to attempt a thread derail here

it must be done



LET'S ALL GO TO OREGON

The Otaku Suppository

Centipede Damascus wrote: »

I'm going to attempt a thread derail here

it must be done



LET'S ALL GO TO OREGON

HUZZAH!

oh shit a RIVER!

Raneados

quick ford it

no wait shit caulk the boats and float across

shit everyone's dead

the ferry probably would have been best

shit

The Otaku Suppository

let's wait two days

pray for a drought

Centipede Damascus

let's go hunt bison

collect 857 pounds of meat

can only carry 200 pounds back to camp

oh well

Volucrisus Aedrius

Its simple. You keep 3 rolls of toilet paper in your bathroom. 1 active, 1 spare, 1 reserve. When you run out of one you take the empty cardboard roll and put it on top of the toilet cover before you wash your hands. Then, if you forget to replace it, the next time you or anyone else walks into the bathroom they will see that you are running low, and will get a new roll. I mean, really, if you get reminded of a dwindling supply every time you take a piss you're gonna remember if you aren't a stupid fucking twat.

Its called being prepared.

Alternatively, if you really need to wipe your ass, get a wet hand towel, do some damage control, and then shuffle out to get yourself some proper paper. You could also try, shit, I don't know, cotton swabs or Q-tips.

Then throw that fucking towel out because seriously.

And if you don't have paper towels, bath tissue, cloth towels or tissue paper or anything in your bathroom you can always use your hand - like filthy fucking hobos do. Just make sure you wash up really good, but then again, if let your bathroom get in that kind of deplorable state you probably don't care about getting hepatitis from your own feces.

Vorus

thems the breaks

telcus

Haha chico you sicko.

Procrastinator

Am I the only one who actually looks at the roll before I sit down to take a shit?

Volucrisus Aedrius

Oh, and pro-tip. If you need to wipe your ass with paper towels get them wet beforehand because otherwise they will scritch-scratch your ass to ruins.

stimtokolos

Procrastinator wrote: »

Am I the only one who actually looks at the roll before I sit down to take a shit?

I do it.

Centipede Damascus

Volyu no

this thread was almost fully derailed

why do you even have to do a thing

GameHat

I ask, because recently I got caught and had to resort to a sock.

that sock was thrown away so fast

telcus

oh man, that ain't right.

Vorus

look just wipe your ass with bread and you kill two birds with one stone

try to think a little, people

The Otaku Suppository

Centipede Damascus wrote: »

let's go hunt bison

collect 857 pounds of meat

can only carry 200 pounds back to camp

oh well

TFS has caught raging typhoid

what do we do?

I vote we push the pace of the wagon train up from 'strenuous' to 'constant whipping'

Volucrisus Aedrius

Centipede Damascus wrote: »

Volyu no

this thread was almost fully derailed

why do you even have to do a thing

I countered your derail with an ontopic derail.

Today I was at work and I was thinking about the really good derails. The derails that almost always work. The ones we keep going back to. The ones we make threads about when there are no suitable threads to derail.

So far my list is:

Jurassic Park
Batman

Vorus

Volucrisus Aedrius wrote: »

Centipede Damascus wrote: »

Volyu no

this thread was almost fully derailed

why do you even have to do a thing

I countered your derail with an ontopic derail.

Today I was at work and I was thinking about the really good derails. The derails that almost always work. The ones we keep going back to. The ones we make threads about when there are no suitable threads to derail.

So far my list is:

Jurassic Park
Batman

don't forget wiggin

Centipede Damascus

The Otaku Inquisition wrote: »

Centipede Damascus wrote: »

let's go hunt bison

collect 857 pounds of meat

can only carry 200 pounds back to camp

oh well

TFS has caught raging typhoid

what do we do?

I vote we push the pace of the wagon train up from 'strenuous' to 'constant whipping'

laudanum

the answer is always more laudanum

it's good for what ails ya!

Volucrisus Aedrius

Me I prefer the old Benjamin Rush's bilious pills.

Nicknamed "Rush's Thunderbolts," the pills were reputed to contain 10 grains of calomel and 10 to 15 grains of jalap, both potent laxatives. By opening up the bowels, Rush believed that the body would then expel the excess bile or other matter causing illness.

Chief1138

use the magazine, duh

Raneados

I never understood why the motherfucker couldn't make like 4 trips to get the meat into the wagon

what the fuck

Penguin Incarnate

This ain't about a James Bond movie at all.

Raneados

wait he just said that because whales have remnants of legbones and a pelvis that they apparentl.... want to evolve into cows

he also said that the femur is used in sex

Raneados

dude... whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

Raneados

also I love how he's reading off his computer screen

it's amazingly creepy

Raneados

also also man I'm pretty sure that's fake looking at his other stuff

Fallout

who takes ten minutes to take a shit

what kinda freaks

neville

Volucrisus Aedrius wrote: »

Its simple. You keep 3 rolls of toilet paper in your bathroom. 1 active, 1 spare, 1 reserve. When you run out of one you take the empty cardboard roll and put it on top of the toilet cover before you wash your hands. Then, if you forget to replace it, the next time you or anyone else walks into the bathroom they will see that you are running low, and will get a new roll. I mean, really, if you get reminded of a dwindling supply every time you take a piss you're gonna remember if you aren't a stupid fucking twat.

Its called being prepared.

Alternatively, if you really need to wipe your ass, get a wet hand towel, do some damage control, and then shuffle out to get yourself some proper paper. You could also try, shit, I don't know, cotton swabs or Q-tips.

Then throw that fucking towel out because seriously.

And if you don't have paper towels, bath tissue, cloth towels or tissue paper or anything in your bathroom you can always use your hand - like filthy fucking hobos do. Just make sure you wash up really good, but then again, if let your bathroom get in that kind of deplorable state you probably don't care about getting hepatitis from your own feces.

itt volyu solves it all

Rankenphile

Fallout wrote: »

who takes ten minutes to take a shit

what kinda freaks

depends on what game I got with me and if I'm at work

pinching a loaf on the company dime? Fuck you, I'm going for a high score, bitches.

Penguin Incarnate

My roommates never replace the toilet paper.

They also go through an entire roll in three days.

I don't know what to make of this insanity.

Fallout

Rankenphile wrote: »

Fallout wrote: »

who takes ten minutes to take a shit

what kinda freaks

depends on what game I got with me and if I'm at work

pinching a loaf on the company dime? Fuck you, I'm going for a high score, bitches.

Good point

back at the mini mart it was like, ahh, that felt good. I think I'll smoke a bowl and blow it out the vent in the roof.

Good times.