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You have to be out there, somewhere...
Gavin
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You obviously have the soul of an artist/writer/musician. Follow this.
It seems you feel alone or strange or something. I highly doubt I will be the only person here to say that your life--full of obstacles though it may be--is interesting and because of that you are probably an interesting person and there are many similar people here.
You find you have no interest in school? Guess what? You just joined the ranks of some of the most famous/talented people in the world.
You are obsessed with PA? Probably because there are many like-minded people here.
I had a very rough childhood and difficult school years myself. I found that what I did with the resulting anger and frustration were what made me who I am today and I think I'm pretty awesome and productive member of society and I think you will become one too. You are just having a hard time finding your path.
Not sure if this was the sort of response you wanted...
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
Sometimes people decide to hate themselves and that leads them to becoming unpleasant people to be around, which leads to the person having few(if any) friends which leads to more self-loathing.
Don't go that route. There is nothing to hate here and no one in high school is a failure--you've proven you can apply yourself when you wanted that laptop. You need to find your own motivation now. You have to realize that your hardships make you a more interesting and potentially stronger and caring human being than anyone who has led an easy life.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
See: Harrison Ford, Billy Corgan, Mike Wallace, Cheryl Crow, Trent Reznor, Winston Churchill, Stephen Hawking, Jim Carey...
Also, most of the people that you view as 'succesful' now, almost always end up living pretty boring, stale lives if not turning out to be complete failures later in life. They are given everything and never develop any character. You, sir will have to pull yourself out of every hole and because of that you will be a much stronger individual.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
The thing to remember is that everything usually comes out for the better, I thought I had thrown my life out the door when I got out of high school and found out that I was kinda screwed for a career in writing and yes it has made it harder but that doesn't stop me from doing it. Like you as well I don't have a great motivation for writing either which lead to the depression in the first place but I take what little inspiration I get. I find that I am not really motivated because I have this image that I am going to fail so why get pumped up for it. While that idea of failure is hard to get rid of, it's just something you have to work on. Try telling yourself every morning that you won't fail and that you are a good Writer/artist/Musician whichever you want to pursue. Eventually you will start accepting your own hype for reality.
Hope that kinda helps, and just remember that eventually things will turn out for the better. Just kinda stick it out through High School, and maybe move out after High School, if things are really just baring down on you a chance of location couldn't hurt.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
I've thought about moving to California...
I don't think I can be happy here in Washington.
Thank you.
You're obviously depressed and I don't know what anyone here can say, without really knowing you, that will change your mind.
You may not like school, but not doing well in it is -never- going to help you out.
Unfortunately, life is not based around doing what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it. You need to find ways to motivate yourself, regardless of your expected outcome, to get shit done. Even if you think you are going to fail at something, that does not give you the right to be afraid of it and half ass it. MAybe set up some kind of reward system concerning school work versus penny arcade IE Every school assignment completed is worth 20 minutes of PAForums.
It's going to be a lot harder than I am going to make it sound, but don't let yourself get wrapped up in your own self-loathing.
I know what you're talking about when you say you feel compelled to argue with people, and I am the same way. But you are going to have to realize that this type of behavior is self destructive. I have a friend who loves to argue to, and we will fight over anything because neither of us takes it seriously. But if I try to argue with my girlfriend? Needless to say, some people will find it fun, most people will find it annoying. It is your job to distinguish and hold back on those urges, less you alienate yourself.
Anyhow, seek professional advice to help with your depression. Stay off drugs and away from other people who enable you to be depressed. Remain focused and dedicated to school. You may think you may not need it, but gettin a good education will NEVER come back to bite you in the ass, and is your best shot at getting out of your current situation.
I'm going to try.
Before now, I've never really... tried in school.
It's sort of exciting, actually.
Well, sort of.
What you should start out doing is make a list of all the positive things in your life and all the negative things. Work to avoiding the negative and doing the positive and above all else KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! The difference between a successful person and a not successful person is a successful person never thinks lowly of themselves.
You sound like you're throwing in the towel and you haven't even made it out of round 1.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Leave where you are and go somewhere radically different than where you are now, I am not talking Bellevue, I mean WAAAAY out there. If you can, get study abroad and go to africa or Europe for a few months. I doubt you have seen much of the world at your young age and believe me there are lesser people than you. You have actually tried to make something of yourself and while you haven't succeeded at all of those attempts and haven't recieved your just rewards from those attempts, you still tried and had the courage to try and that is something to take a great deal of pride in.
Right now, your view of the world is characterized by what you have experienced yourself and what people have forced upon you, feeling the way you feel right now, I highly recommend study abroad so that you can get a new look on life and start to see yourself in a new way.
http://www.fallout3nexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=16534
I wouldn't even have graduated HS if I hadn't gotten my shit together, so to speak, by junior year. Now by reading the OP I can tell your circumstances are definitely worse than mine were. I definitely understand what you're going through, though. I eventually got to a point, about halfway through junior year, where I got to thinking about how people always referred to HS as the best time of their lives, and I got jealous. I was miserable, and all those bastards are enjoying the hell out of school. I had to make a conscious choice to start being more sociable and but some real effort into my classes, and by the time I had graduated I was getting ready to move in with a friend and get away from the BS family problems that had been the source of all my woes.
I don't have any specific advice per say, but I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with you and went through similar problems too. High school sucks but it's just four years of your life, I promise you things will get better. When I had problems with my stepmom, I just blew it off, because I honestly didn't give a lick what she thought any more. I felt like she was controlling my happiness and that's not right. Things will get better man, I mean it. Just graduating will practically ensure it. Whether you choose to go to college or just head into the workforce after school, you gotta get yourself away from the things that bring you down. I had problems with my family so I moved out. If you feel like drugs are bringing you down, you gotta get some clean friends. You have the power to change this.
Good luck Gavin, I'm rooting for you.
When you're in a lousy situation that you really have very little control over, there's not a lot you can do, but focus on the things that you can control. In this case, it looks like the things that bother you most are: a) being poor
b) school issues
c) your own apathy
I would say that making yourself do well in school would be the best way to address all of the above. You made friends with Jon (I assume), so ask him for help when you need it. I saw a lot of kids in high school who were really intelligent, smart people - that didn't mean they were good at school or knew when to admit they needed help.
Stop thinking about your situation as though it's something weighing you down. The problems your parents have, while you can support them by caring about them, are not ones you can solve. So think about the ones you can. Also, the fact that it seems to bother you that you don't really care about anything is a good sign.
Whatever anyone tells you, you are worthy of love, affection, care and respect. There will be people round you who are concerned, but may not know what to do, for not wanting to interfere.
My Dad died when I was 13, life got incredibly crap after that, but I had 1 teacher who tried to help me, and show she cared and was interested in my life. Go talk to someone at school, you will find someone who will care about you.
All things pass eventually - I grew up, found someone who loved me for who I was, despite my being difficult, challenging, and what I thought was unloveable. He still loves me.
I really feel for you, its obvious you're in pain, and need help. You've taken an incredibly brave step reaching out to people here, keep going, don't give up, you are worth so much more. Keep taking brave steps, and keep talking to people here. Stick at school, its easier to get on in your life when you've done ok at school, its much harder to re-do it when you're older. Look at the positives in yourself, and around you, build on them, write them down and remind yourself of them when things feel tougher.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
You're not entitled to anything. You say you're smart, quick witted, etc.
That means dick in the real world. What does mean something is hard work. Your smarts don't matter if you don't apply yourself. You're basically digging a hole for yourself, dooming yourself to live the same life as your parents.
Being smart and quick witted won't get you anywhere if you don't realize that you need to push yourself and overcome your innate desire to be a lazy fuck. Public school is a pretty even playing field in that anyone who actually wants to can do well (discounting a learning disability). You are not better than your peers. You are not smarter, you are not any more special than them. There are six and a half million people in the world. You can bet each and every one of them thinks they're something special, that they deserve better than everyone else. You have to do everything yourself. You're at a critical turning point in life, as the next two years will determine if you go on to college or university. And you have to work for it. There are thousands of people competing with you, and that's just from your school.
You say you do drugs. Which ones?
Personally, and I know this is kind of out of left field, but I suggest you try magic mushrooms or acid or any psychedelic really. I was really depressed and unmotivated until I tripped a few times on mushrooms. It opened up my eyes to the person I was. I could objectively point out my shortcomings and problems and think of how to remedy them. Before that, I used to lay awake at night going through existential crises and shit over and over again, not being able to sleep because I was unsure of what was real, whether living was worth it, what if it's all just one big dream, stuff like that. I know that's not your problem exactly but I also fixed a number of social problems I was having.
Basically, you've got to realize that unless you do make the effort to change your life, you're not going anywhere at all.
I did the self-hating thing for awhile till one of my friends finally punched me in the face, sat on my chest and told me what the hell was wrong with me(she's a feisty one). I can relate to the OP a lot, although I'd rather not get into the "why" of it.
I keep trying to go back to school and I get a little more done each year, but I've recently decided to let it go for a couple more years and focus strictly on my music. This move has turned my life and my feelings of self-doubt/clinical depression around. No more pills, no nothing.
This doesn't work for anyone, and I'm really surprised it worked for me. But accepting the fact that your life isn't going to lead down a tradition path with the possibility of traditional failure changed me. I'll finish school a few years for now when I'm done touring with or without a successful band.
This still has left me with the longing of my "other half" but I might new badass people every day now, and I just keep hoping.
However, that transition state can also be a boon: yes, you should try and graduate, but you can also try a lot of things that may be closed off to you once you graduate.
Try out a job (sometimes commiserating with other retail/food service monkeys, while sounding counterproductive, can be a great stress reliever). Earning money will really make you feel like you have a grasp on your own life, I bet, and help you realize that you can beat your own unhappiness.
Try a weird hobby, or even just explore ones you've already gotten into: you say you're in a band; would anyone else be interested in starting a new one? What about the school band (it may be nerdy, but all my friends who were in it had an absolute blast: plus, they got to go on trips to California and Florida), jazz band, theater.
I absolutely second the suggestion to study abroad! I'm not sure how much of the costs the school/government/etc? will subsidize, but I don't know anyone who hasn't had a hell of a time studying overseas. You can certainly do this in college, but why not do it now?
Also, I completely agree with what LewisP's Mummy was indicating: teachers and counselors at your school can really help you. I'm currently going to school for both Education and Psych, and these people I'm working with and who are currently in those fields really do care about the kids they see. You say you kept in touch with some of your old teachers; would they be a good resource for you to talk to? Are there any teachers you've had a connection with at your current school?
One last thing: may I suggest you explore Speech and Debate? I know it sounds geeky, but that is the one thing outside of partying that I loved doing. You mentioned your eloquence and joy for arguing, so perhaps you could put it to some use! I don't know how the team is at your school, of course, but there are many events that you can get some of that out of your system (Impromptu, interpreting prose or poetry, informative speeches, persuasive speeches, extemporaneous speechs [where you only have a half hour to prepare]). It might strike your fancy, and there can be some really amazing, smart people there.
Either way, don't compare yourself to those other people you see around school. It's impossible to tell where anyone will be two, four, six years, and the only future you can control is your own.
Or, that plan could seriously backfire and freak him out more. I certainly experimented in my time, but I found motivation to be one of the rarest side effects of hallucinogens.
Your final statement, though, is gold.
True.
What I'm saying though is that they worked wonders for me but YMMV.
if your depressed, turn to music. I know I have and am right now. I practice guitar every day and practice writing lyrics every day. My life hasn't seen the extremes like yours has, but I have a story of my own to tell and I'm going to make god damn sure it gets told through music.
"When I was stone blue, Rock and Roll sure helped me through".
It's easy for me to see you in the same position I was in a number of years ago... Didn't give a damn about school, friends, life in general... the future specifically. Parents split, new surrogate father figure split, brother got in trouble with the law... the list runs on. Sufficient to say I feel like I can offer you something in the way of advice... what I did to try and get through. Also, hopefully, something to help you out along the way.
Forget about grades in school. You seem to be intelligent. Far more intelligent than the average 10th grader (as you can form sentences without utilizing "lol" "u" "r" etc.) so they've probably never been a big motivator for you anyway (aside from "Laptopgate" in which the bastards swindled you). Education and grades are 2 distinct and separate things. One is important, the other is not. Focus on the important one.
I purposely failed classes in high-school... I basically dared a teacher to fail me my senior year (he gave me a D-) in addition to outright not doing anything in other classes. In hindsight this seems stupid and immature but at the same time it was very important to me to be able to stand up for what I believed in... which was, for the first time ever, myself. I needed to believe that I didn't need them to be me. I didn't need them to be strong and intelligent and everything that I ever wanted to be.
This brings me to my next point. What's with being so down on yourself? This whole annual "winter of my discontent" thing doesn't suit you. Life isn't sunshine and roses all the time (read: ever)... a lesson hard learned... but life is also not always the opposite. I wont say life is what you make of it... because you know better than most that you play the hand you're dealt. I will leave you with something that I (as far as I know) wrote that I felt resonated with the times. It was written to commemorate the coming of the year 2008. I want you, Gavin, to consider it.
The Theme for 2008.
Take It Away.
Don't ask Where It's going.
Because Life is Never a Question of What You Deserve.
It's a Function of How Much You can Take.
Be well in the meantime...
and, if you feel up to it, prove me wrong about those last 2 lines.
Cheers,
Waz