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1st Attempt at Humorous Writing
Gryphon
Registered User
Registered User
This is my first attempt at writing comedy (it's quite short). C&C of course welcome; it will help me improve.
Warning! There are jokes about Jesus here, so if you're easily offended by that, I don't recommend you read it.
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Who was Jesus? Healing the blind and preaching is not a full-time job, so what was Jesus up to when he was not touching kids or holding Sunday-morning sermons? After years of thorough research, I have come to a few hypotheses:
1. Jesus was a quarterback. The 12 apostles were his teammates, with Judas being the slot receiver who was beginning to get irritated because he rarely got a pass thrown to him. His team was undefeated, of course. He was the best of the best; performing miracle plays and gaining many pass yards with his original play, the Hail Mary. Even when facing a tough opposing team, Jesus was famous for making unlikely comebacks in the final quarter. The "Last Supper" was actually a pre-game huddle.
2. Jesus was a superhero. Not a very good one, though. For being God's son, he sure did lack fancy supernatural powers. I guess ultimate power is not hereditary. Anyways, if Jesus was in fact a superhero, it did not last for long. I mean, most criminals just do not get scared away by nail guns and measuring tape.
3. Jesus was a home-makeover-reality-TV-show host. The show, named "Holy Eye for the Straight Guy," was short-lived due to a loss of ratings because of Moses' televised money-management seminars, which were in the same time slot. Possibly the biggest evidence supporting the fact that this was Jesus' career is an entry in the diary of one of the Roman guards observing Jesus' crucifixion. It reads, "With his last breath of life, he turned his head to me, and said, 'I would've gone with the dark oak stain for the cross, and it could definitely use some drapes.'"
Warning! There are jokes about Jesus here, so if you're easily offended by that, I don't recommend you read it.
---
Who was Jesus? Healing the blind and preaching is not a full-time job, so what was Jesus up to when he was not touching kids or holding Sunday-morning sermons? After years of thorough research, I have come to a few hypotheses:
1. Jesus was a quarterback. The 12 apostles were his teammates, with Judas being the slot receiver who was beginning to get irritated because he rarely got a pass thrown to him. His team was undefeated, of course. He was the best of the best; performing miracle plays and gaining many pass yards with his original play, the Hail Mary. Even when facing a tough opposing team, Jesus was famous for making unlikely comebacks in the final quarter. The "Last Supper" was actually a pre-game huddle.
2. Jesus was a superhero. Not a very good one, though. For being God's son, he sure did lack fancy supernatural powers. I guess ultimate power is not hereditary. Anyways, if Jesus was in fact a superhero, it did not last for long. I mean, most criminals just do not get scared away by nail guns and measuring tape.
3. Jesus was a home-makeover-reality-TV-show host. The show, named "Holy Eye for the Straight Guy," was short-lived due to a loss of ratings because of Moses' televised money-management seminars, which were in the same time slot. Possibly the biggest evidence supporting the fact that this was Jesus' career is an entry in the diary of one of the Roman guards observing Jesus' crucifixion. It reads, "With his last breath of life, he turned his head to me, and said, 'I would've gone with the dark oak stain for the cross, and it could definitely use some drapes.'"
Gryphon on
Posts
Thank you, Rubacava!
As long as it's not child porn like that one guy I banned a while ago, you can assume that nobody will be offended.
As for the piece itself, I don't know, it kind of fell flat for me. I don't necessarily think the jokes are that bad, although they certainly aren't the best I've ever heard, even for religious jokes. I think the problem is that they just don't work very well on their own as humorous prose. If you took those jokes and used them as captions for well-drawn comics, that may work. Or, if you just really wanted to keep them in written form only, intersperse them with some type of religious satire or parody. As it is, as a simple list of some mildly humerous jokes with no context or point, it just doesn't work.
BUT, that said, it's really not bad for your first attempt at comedy. Certainly much better than my first attempt. I personally think Comedy is the toughest genre to write. At least in other mediums, comedy can be adjusted through delivery, physical comedy, etc to make it seem more funny than it really is. In prose however, comedy relies entirely on substance alone. I would keep doing short pieces like this and refine your own sense of written comedy. Keep it up!
WiiU NNID: BigDookie
Thanks for the advice and comments. I don't know if I'll make this article longer like you suggested, but I'll definately keep your advice in mind for the next one.
If anyone still wants to throw in their 2 cents, I'd appreciate it, thanks.
See, you really shouldn't put that warning, as the jokes themselves weren't that offensive. I was expecting something like this;
Did you hear about Jesus being gay? He laid on wood and got nailed repeatedly.
As for the piece itself...eh, I don't really get the point of it. The thing felt a bit wee forced, as it's one of those things that's probably hilarious when you're talking about it with friends, but putting it down on paper...doesn't really work. Maybe just one of those three things, as part of a larger monologue..that could work/have more impact, but as it stands, it quickly loses any humor it might have. We see where you're going with the joke.
But unfortunately, your 3 ideas aren't funny. I'm not sure if the fact that it isn't offensive is connected to this. I'm not saying that you have to be offensive to be funny, but that sort of thing has to be at least edgy. There are no collisions of conflicting ideas (one of the fundamental aspects of humor), no surprises, no clever word play present in the three ideas.
Compare it to this:
http://www.davidicke.net/theylive/humor/jesus.html
While it's not outright hillarious, I think most of the list works far better because it's combining Biblical references to contemporary notions far more convincingly.
You could replace "Jesus" with any other name and it would still suck.
Thank you, Rubacava!
To those who actually critiqued the writing: Thanks. This was first a comedy bit that I decided to turn into writing so that I can post in on my site. Like it's been mentioned, it's a bit different on paper. So I'll keep that in mind next time.
Also, I'm reading George Carlin's "When Will Jesus Bring On the Pork Chops?", and I'm learning a lot from the way he puts the same jokes he makes on-stage into a book.
Edit: Yeah, it's not that offensive, but being new to the Writer's Block, I didn't exactly know how offensive something has to be in order to rightfully have a warning. So I played it safe.
Yea, I'm noticing that this forum isn't exactly the best for criticism. If you're looking for off the cuff reactions to something you wrote, this is fine, but if you're looking for something more substanting and less "you suck" try www.critiquecircle.com or even some of the yahoo groups one. www.groups.yahoo.com/critical_writing used to be really good. That's where I learned a lot.
Dookie, noir_blood, Raziel, and petergodly pretty much covered it.
What Raz was trying to say was that you're putting Jesus in there just to shock and discomfit Christian readers; while not a bad idea, it's been used so often it's in the realm of cliche. Cliches do not make for strong writing.
This forum is actually pretty good with a lot of insight if you are willing to put the work in yourself, first.
Nobody is getting paid here. When someone reads your work and critiques you it means that they have taken time out of their day and helped you toward your goal of being taken serious.
Nobody wants to go through and read over blantant grammar and spelling errors. Those are things that should not last through the first draft. How do you know you need to put more work into your material before you post it? Simple. When someone says, "You need to fix the grammar and spelling," it means there is too much to quote every other line and do the grunt work for you. If someone says, "Hey! You've got passive voice here!" then it probably means you missed a spot, no big deal.
Another thing people do is post cliche'd, half-assed, unedited, non-stories that they whipped up in a few minutes after getting back from Fantastic Four at the drive-in. Then five minutes after posting it they post again saying, "I am so sad no one has replied, why will no one reply? Am I a failure? My mother would be so sad."
Then, when somebody does reply and offer critiques they get badgered with well-you-don't-get-it's and I-meant-to-do-it-this-way's.
Take your posting and your writing seriously and people here will do the same. Shit out some five minute garbage and then defend it vehemontly? Stroke your ego elsewhere, thanks.
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About the OP:
The biggest problem you have here is that you are trying to write like an established comic before you have become established. Dave Barry or George Carlin don't need to ease their readers into their material because they have a defined, recognizable voice.
How do you get your own identity? Well for one you have to have something new. Forty years ago you could make a successful career from mildly offensive Jesus jokes but now what you posted seems like a cute, juvenile half-measure attempt at being edgy. If you want to make people squirm, make them squirm.
Written humor, like verbal humor, relies on timing. You have to set up the audience just as you have to set up the reader. Why was Douglas Adams so funny? Look at the timing. The man wrote like he was standing on stage. He milks the timing so that the reader never knows what to expect. Sometimes he is rapid-fire, sometimes there is a lull in the humor and then he snaps back, and sometimes he is very bitter and dark. He brings the reader into his world and his language.
The timing in your piece is stunted. You rush through the setup to get to the list, which is short and sounds rushed. The voice you wrote this in also lacks any real definition. The list format is reall unecessary, as well, unless you maybe added 18 more points to it. The joke is in the telling...
...mostly. There is really no saving bad material and sometimes you have to let it go. Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes pointed out a fundamental truth about humor: specific is always more funny than vague. That's why Calvin's dad was a patent attorney, is an example Watterson mentions. "A tough opposing team," "gaining many yards," and "some drapes," for examples, lack the details that paint the complete picture.
Also, by the time I reached number 1 when I read it for the first time I said to myself, "Jesus was a carpenter and a teacher." I don't think I'm the only one. It wasn't until I reached #2 did I realize that you, of course, knew this but by then you already lost me.
Humor is subtle and hard to define. Keep at it, work on your voice, and develop something unique. It also doesn't hurt to read humor written by people who made their humor career in the written medium. (Quite a few Dave Barry articles are still available at the Miami Herald site, for instance. Read through some. Even if you don't identify with the humor you can pick up on what helped him become a huge syndicated columnist.)
Okay, guy, if you want me to re-word it constructively, I will.
Jesus Christ is an established figure in the canon of modern thought. Even non-christians can probably tell you that he had 12 apostles, and give you the salient details of the New Testament.
When you're dealing with a figure like this, you can't just make shit up. Why? It's not funny.
George Carlin, when he riffs on things like Jesus, is observational. It's more about putting a humourous spin on existing knowledge than saying "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Jesus and the Apostles were a football team?"
Your second point didn't work for me. At all. What, in your "years of thorough research" led you to conclude that the son of God was a superhero?
By the third point, you're all over the map. Bringing Moses into it (who, by the timeline presented in the Old Testament died long before Jesus was born).
So, frankly, there's no flow, no arc, and no resolution.
Nice try, but it's not exactly a critical hit of fun.
Thank you, Rubacava!
If you're going to make jokes about Jesus, I would suggest trying to make jokes in a way that no one else has already tried. Which is pretty much impossible. Like other's have said it's been done to death. Like making jokes about Jack Thompson. Or George Bush. Try something new. And some context would be very helpful.
Go kiss a cotton mouth.