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Rye

Edit - Nevermind!

Daenris

Rye wrote: »

It would be a huge mistake to try and tell her that her feelings are trivial and that she needs to get the fuck over this thing from over a year ago, but it's EXACTLY how I feel. I don't understand what the problem is and she clearly doesn't like to talk about it. I am, as she put it, diametrically opposed to her old boyfriend. Ergo, if I a a completely different person, what is she afraid of? She can't walk in with the same fears if the situation is completely different.

If you think that her feelings are trivial I'm not sure you're ever going to be able to have a healthy relationship with her...

Rye wrote: »

Here's where I need the advice - What can I do? Do I give it time (probably what I've decided so far)? or do I press the issue? Do I try to escalate the intimacy and risk completely fracturing what is, in my eyes, at the very least a good friendship? Up until a week ago, she seemed so simple - so unlike other girls I've met. Now she's just as "complicated" and I'm lost again.

Is her fear of intimacy something she CAN get over? Can I help push her over it? It seems unfair to me that she DIDN'T just say "we're friends" if she thought she couldn't get over this or that she didn't want to continue something with me. I made it clear to her that I was honestly prepared for either answer, so she didn't just say it to avoid answering the question definitively.

Don't push her. If you push and force the issue you'll end up ruining any chances you have for the future as well as probably ruining your friendship.

Yes, she can get over it with time. Again, you can't push her over it or make her forget about it. Give it time, be friends, continue what you're doing. If she's going to get over it she will, and she'll bring it up if she wants to talk about it. Likely she does have feelings for you -- else she probably would have told you you were friends and she didn't want to date you. But you can't force her into a relationship if she's not ready for one.

tracertong

Rye wrote: »

She says that since then, she's had "a crippling fear of intimacy." Like, she says she really enjoys casual encounters more (she clarified to mean all encounters, not just ones involving me). She went on further to say she thinks I'm sweet and she likes the fact that I'm always happy. She said in her past relationship, her boyfriend was emo and she didn't have any other healthy release from her own problems, no one to cheer her up. She said she liked that about me.


We went out the next day, almost like an olive branch meeting from my perspective. I kept it casual, didn't mention anything about yesterday. But then the"date" ended up being a lot of fun and even more "flirty" than the other dates we'd been on. She was playfully shoving me and punching my shoulder when I made fun of her(she never did this before). She made fun of me a lot (something that didn't really happen before). She would follow my lead when talking about completely random things, something she used to smile and nod at.

What. The. Hell... Now I'm trapped. She's always a straightforward person. She doesn't double speak, and we already jokingly established that if she didn't like me, she'd tell me to get the hell out of her life. I know she's not crazy or manipulative, so please don't jump to this conclusion unless you see some really good evidence.

I didn't make any physical advances that night either. How could I? She knows that *I* know that she is afraid of intimacy. So if I make advances, I'm knowingly violating her personal space. If I don't, then I might as well just scale back and just be friends instead of wearing myself out.

Seems like she doesn't want a "relationship" where she sees her boyfriend every single day. She wants to have fun for a while and like she said she enjoys the casual thing which means she will probably have casual sex with you but wont become your girlfriend that you bring home to meet your parents. She was all over you when you went out but because what she said earlier you didn't do anything. Let me tell you something.....non-verbal communication is important. From what you said, you didn't respond and escalate. That was your cue to kiss her but you missed it. I'd hang out with her again and not do what you did before because its not working.

Rye

Edit - Nevermind!

Daenris

Rye wrote: »

Maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought communication was important in any relationship, friendship or other.

Communication is important... but forcing someone to talk about something that they obviously don't want to talk about will be counter productive.

Rye wrote: »

That's going to get more and more exhausting. I mean, I'm not tired yet, but trying to keep this up with little to no reciprocation will probably not keep me excited forever. She knows I like her as more than a friend. If I just keep doing what I do, nothing will change. How does changing nothing change a situation?

Are you saying it's exhausting being friends with this girl? Because if that's the case, then again I don't see the relationship doing so well in the long run either as friends or otherwise.

As she spends more time with you and gets more time/distance from her previous relationship, she may decide that she wants a relationship. Of course it's also possible that she won't at any point. You can't force it one way or another.

If for some reason you really feel like you can't stand continuing to be friends without dating this girl, then the whole thing is doomed, because she's made it clear she doesn't want that -- at least for right now.

IreneDAdler

OP, it sounds to me like having the conversation with you helped her open up a bit to you, so that's why she was a little more forward in your next date. It's obvious that she's carrying some baggage from her past, so I wouldn't push her too hard, but it seems like she's about ready to move on, with a little encouragement from you. Of course, you don't owe it to her to coax her out of her shell slowly if that's not the type of relationship you're looking for. She does sound like someone who's honest and open to communication, and at least somewhat self-aware, so you could do worse, personality-wise. I think you're just going to have to decide if you're willing to invest so much emotional energy into this relationship.

Captain Vash

I'm probably wrong because I'm not the one involved in this situation and can't see every detail, but judging from your post it sounds like if you took up the conviction and told her that you guys were more then just friends and that it was in fact dating that she would respond well.

I wouldn't push the issue, but I think if you took the more "controlling" position and told her what you think instead of just asking what she thinks things could work out well for you.

Rye

Edit - Nevermind!

Kyanilis

You're golden. You announced you had feelings for her and she said its complicated (which, as you've stated she's straightforward) means she's not completely against the idea. This is further proven because she's being even more flirty with you now. At this point is not a case of not gonna happen, she fully knows how you feel and is now not being afraid of being that way around you.

My advice? Sit tight for a few, her getting over her "issues" might be a lot sooner than you think. Your best bet is to go with the flow. If you think she's worth it, keep with it. Judging by what has been said, honestly you should be alright. If she gets flirty, get flirty back, don't say "Oh, I don't want to invade her personal space" if she's being playful with you, its fair game. Don't push it TOO far, of course, but you seem sensible anyway.

Rye

Edit - Nevermind!

Nocturne

From my experience, this can become a successful relationship. It just depends how much you like her and how patient you are willing to be.

She's obviously not ready for another serious relationship yet. Yes, even if it has been a year, these things can take longer for some people to get over. If she has very deep feelings for you, this can scare her off even more for fear of falling too hard again.

You can't rationalize her feelings, trust me. You can say that you're a completely different person, and this is a year later, and all these other things that should change things... but that means nothing to someone in her position. If someone has a fear of commitment, or just needs time to get over someone, no amount of rationality can change that.

So it comes down to whether or not you are willing to give her time. If you truly care about her, the fact that she said you make her happy and take her mind off the bad things should be enough for you.

Yeah, if you're looking for an easy, quick, effortless relationship this might not be the one. But I put in the time for a girl in a similar situation involving a fear of commitment, and it was the most worthwhile decision of my life. It may or may not be for you of course.

Depends how much you like her.

Rye

Edit - Nevermind!

waffleboi9

Hey man, thanks for reaching out and asking for advice. I know it takes a lot to make yourself vulnerable to a crowd of strangers, and I appreciate it.

It would be a huge mistake to try and tell her that her feelings are trivial and that she needs to get the fuck over this thing from over a year ago, but it's EXACTLY how I feel. I don't understand what the problem is and she clearly doesn't like to talk about it. I am, as she put it, diametrically opposed to her old boyfriend. Ergo, if I a a completely different person, what is she afraid of? She can't walk in with the same fears if the situation is completely different.

I second what others have said in this thread and have the following to add: it seems like you are NOT OK with where she is at emotionally RIGHT NOW. The first thing to do is simply acknowledge and completely accept where she's at. You can't get anywhere from where you're not. It sounds a little like you want to "fix" her; I know how this feels. This is a very masculine trait, to want to solve problems. It's a feminine trait to seek empathy, so she probably just wants you to listen to her and understand, not solve her problem. You are taking a very logical approach to an emotional problem, and that aint gonna work, son. You have to meet her emotionally. And if you don't believe me, by your own account she's already mentioned this to you! This is extremely valuable feedback to get from a woman. Don't ignore it.

This transitions into my next point, which is that if you want her to open up, you have to go first. She wants to feel safe in confiding in you and talking about her last relationship, but right now she doesn't feel that (hence the mostly shallow conversations and closed body language during your first date). An easy way to do this is just sprinkle in some stories about your past relationships, what you liked, didn't like. Make sure that they have emotional content, not just a logical report of what happened. Most likely, seeing you make yourself a little vulnerable to her will open her up as well.

Finally, if she's just not receptive to any of this, and you guys simply want different things, then let it go. My guess is that, even though she claims she has an intense fear of intimacy, she is hungry for emotional connection and wants someone who can understand and be OK with that fear. Paradoxically, this is how she will get over that fear.

Anyway, I have tons and tons to say on this topic but I'll cut it here. Keep us posted. Hope this helps!

Peace, K

Rye

Edit - Nevermind!