(Previous, largely unrelated thread.
Not required reading by any measure, I don't think?, but really not sure I mean it is up to you.)
So, I cannot understand the most basic shit. I arrived, largely on a whim and a prayer, in Washington state pretty much as the new year rolled over. Since then, I have made some token efforts at putting together a life -- and didn't even really fail, but I don't think I ever really succeeded -- and have since instead just degenerated into, well ... nothing. I don't really do anything.
On an average day, I will either play MMOs for 20 hours and sleep for 4 or I will sleep for 20 hours and attempt to log in to play MMOs over the other scattered 4 but just get frustrated and log out, to get more sleep. About three times a week I walk down to the grocery, usually at around midnight, and I buy candy and soda. My housemate works in the daytime, which is when I shower, and habitually vomit. When I'm walking to the store, if I'm alone on the street, sometimes I vomit there too. I shower every other day now, at best, when I used to shower at least once a day -- and usually I just sit in the tub and daydream instead of actually, you know, being hygienic.
I looked into
jobs but I never really made any headway. I didn't really care. I went shopping
for more weather-appropriate/more clothes but I only bought socks since my arrival here. I actually threw out
about half of my clothes, because there were bad memories and bad smells attached that I just couldn't get rid of and all of that. I mean honestly I don't even know what I would get that's weather-appropriate the whole thing is sort of a mish-mash, but anyway the fact of the matter is that it doesn't really matter since I've done squat and nothing. I have not met anyone. I left the apartment to try and be social once, and although I learned the names of a few people and we laughed and I thought we were having a good time they never asked for my name and so I guess I was doing something wrong?, but my roommate just says they were being average gamer types but whatever. I shouldn't blame myself, blah blah, but the motivation's since been sapped to the point where it doesn't matter a lick since I can't be bothered to motivate myself to try again with anything.
I went to Seattle, once ... at about 10PM, on a whim. I took a random bus, and walked in a random direction. I met lots of homeless people who begged for money and food and made me incredibly uncomfortable by, in effect, parroting my own life story at me as their justification for being a homeless beggar. Ow. I looked around for someone I could tap to find someone else to tap from but I had no idea how to go about doing that so I packed it and packed off, which was sort of an ordeal in itself because I had to find that same random bus again and it was pretty miraculous I was able to run it down for the two blocks before it stopped. I pretty much passed out on the bus after that.
I did push myself to see a doctor but all that he could do was give me a fancier set of antibiotics and say to come back in two weeks for an MRI if it didn't help -- it didn't help, but aside from not having the insurance to have an MRI done I don't really think it would help. I'm pretty sure I'm sick from stress, and the stress isn't going to let up, so I have no idea what going to see the doctor is and really it's probably just because I don't take good care of myself and will hardly eat at all but I don't really care!, and I really don't care at all about anything.
I really hate it here, just because it's a here
and I'd rather be there.
I cut a check for rent though, and I wouldn't ask for it back, so I'm here for the long haul of the long month and I really don't like it here but I know that I wouldn't really like it no matter where I went. I don't really trust my roommate but I know it's just me being silly and I can't really talk about it with him anyway because he gives me a bad case of turtlejaw and I just really do clamp up. I've had trouble talking in general though, I just really don't feel like it, I stopped using the microphone on my PC while gaming and I won't answer the phone because I hate to talk. If he knocks on my door I knock back instead of just saying something, and I just nod at shopkeepers. I don't know. Talking irks me, so I don't really talk, and it's not something I think is really that important since I have no one to talk at anyway. I don't trust my roommate anyway so there's nothing I'd want to say, but I'm not sure how much I really distrust him I just know it's unreasonable -- I got drunk here once (but only once, I really don't like alcohol because it makes me use the bathroom and I hate using the bathroom) and I got really scared of him even though he was sleep and slept on a couch at the opposite end of the apartment with a knife.
He's a nice enough guy and all but I definitely don't like the fact he's here -- it took a bit of ribbing to have him lift up and out of my room and move his PC into his own but now that he's there I pretty much keep my door shut 24/7. I had terrible anxiety and fits of panic this morning because I didn't hear him leave when he usually goes to work (around 8AM, I was still awake) and I couldn't discern whether he was home or not but I was too scared to, I guess, just go look
, but anyway I did eventually a few hours later and he was still asleep and it really made me uncomfortable so I didn't get much done. I don't clean up as much anymore, though I really don't make as much of a mess anymore -- I use the same glass for I don't know maybe a week now?, and I just don't use plates since I don't have anything to use them for and even when I do I usually just cook whatever it is on the box if it needs to be cooked or eat it straight-off if not I mean most food comes packaged these days for obvious reasons so it's not like one really needs
I looked into getting a psych/thera/whatsit but I really don't have the money for that, not with my rent sunk this month sunk how it is and really I don't think I have the patience for it anyway. There's all of this lag and start-up time
associated with it where you make an appointment, and consult, and then if you stick with it you feel each other up, and it takes weeks
and nothing happens
and I don't really have the money or the patience for it. I made two appointments for consultations but I couldn't be bothered to show up, and I guess that's sort of symptomatic of everything right now is that I can't be bothered. I get scared of the dark sometimes too but only if I try to sleep, but I have four lamps in this room now so it's not that bad even at night and the cats like them too but really I don't have much patience for the kittens lately.
I deleted all of my messaging programs and websites and all of that so that I wouldn't be tempted to talk to anyone and it's been really hard being so lonely. I am pretty much dreaming about having fun with my high school friends every night now, and crying about missing my high school friends every day now, so I don't think that cutting them hard and fast necessarily worked so well but it wasn't like we were talking anyway ... I just got rid of that opportunity I guess, since that was the easiest way to keep myself from bothering them. I deleted a lot of other stuff too likesabouts I said, I broke the ceramic moon Amanda had given me (a birthday present, the sole one in the last four years) and tossed that and I tossed a lot of clothes too (because they reeked of foul things and had foul memories and bad bad bad and I don't even know why someone would need shoes like that, I don't need shoes like that because those are the sorts of shoes people wear when they want to have sex and sex is where trouble is)!, so I don't have that much stuff at all. I could probably fit it all in my laptop bag + backpack which would be good because suitcases are troublesome, and I saw some really cool plane tickets back to Philadelphia (the Gateway to Jersey) for only $99 which would be a really good deal
but I don't think I can really afford that right now?
I don't have any sort of income or anything so I am sure I will run out of money soon since I have like $600/mo in bills when you add the rent in but I don't really know what that means? At some point the money will run out but I don't know how that is going to change my life. I guess I should be able to grok that but it's not really something for grokking, I mean try and think for yourself "What would I do if I ran out of money?" It's just not something you can grok very well because it's never really supposed to happen, and it won't -- my college told me for six months running that they couldn't bunk me last autumn but my life physically couldn't continue if they didn't bunk me, so they ended up bunking me after all! I think it's the same sort of concept. I'm not going to die so of course things are going to work out!, because if I'm going to die then I'm going to die and it doesn't really matter anyway -- I don't think I'm being clear but the point is that as long as I'm supposed to keep living, things will work out?
So I'm not sure what I just said or what I need help with. I think I have like $300 left, which would last me for a few months if it wasn't less than what I need to pay for rent if I stay here through whatever month is next I think that one's March? I really miss my friends and I'd love to fly back to Jersey and see them again but they're all away at college so I don't even think that's possible. Maybe they'll have spring break soon though, and then I could fly out to see them then and maybe Sami or someone else could adopt me again and everything would be wonderful!, and really if my money's running out and spring break is coming up that's probably what's going to happen.
Regardless, I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what I need to change in order to do things right. It's 5:41AM right now and everyone else is asleep but I don't feel like being asleep -- everyone else does their groceries in the daytime, but I don't feel like doing groceries in the daytime! I own a pair of sneakers, two pairs socks two pairs jeans two pairs underwear two shirts and two bags and I don't know why I need anything else! I don't know why I need to eat healthy food and not just stay in my bed for 24 hours a day, everyday, or why I should go back to a doctor or back to school or why I should get a job.
I really don't understand any of it, and having people tell me you just have to, why can't you understand something so simple!
just makes me upset and that makes it even harder, okay? My hair has been really annoying me too because it's unkempt and it's been too long since I cut it but I'm afraid to cut it because that's a commitment. I wanted to buy bedsheets too but that's a commitment and I guess these sheets aren't so bad after all, they're just a little smelly now but that's my own fault, right?, so I don't think I'm even supposed to make this thread because these are all my problems and if I lack the strength to fix things that's my own fault but mostly I miss my friends back in Jersey even if they don't live there anymore.
I really have no idea what life is.