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I have no idea how to live, cont.
Oboro
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(Previous, largely unrelated thread. Not required reading by any measure, I don't think?, but really not sure I mean it is up to you.)
So, I cannot understand the most basic shit. I arrived, largely on a whim and a prayer, in Washington state pretty much as the new year rolled over. Since then, I have made some token efforts at putting together a life -- and didn't even really fail, but I don't think I ever really succeeded -- and have since instead just degenerated into, well ... nothing. I don't really do anything.
On an average day, I will either play MMOs for 20 hours and sleep for 4 or I will sleep for 20 hours and attempt to log in to play MMOs over the other scattered 4 but just get frustrated and log out, to get more sleep. About three times a week I walk down to the grocery, usually at around midnight, and I buy candy and soda. My housemate works in the daytime, which is when I shower, and habitually vomit. When I'm walking to the store, if I'm alone on the street, sometimes I vomit there too. I shower every other day now, at best, when I used to shower at least once a day -- and usually I just sit in the tub and daydream instead of actually, you know, being hygienic.
I looked into jobs but I never really made any headway. I didn't really care. I went shopping for more weather-appropriate/more clothes but I only bought socks since my arrival here. I actually threw out about half of my clothes, because there were bad memories and bad smells attached that I just couldn't get rid of and all of that. I mean honestly I don't even know what I would get that's weather-appropriate the whole thing is sort of a mish-mash, but anyway the fact of the matter is that it doesn't really matter since I've done squat and nothing. I have not met anyone. I left the apartment to try and be social once, and although I learned the names of a few people and we laughed and I thought we were having a good time they never asked for my name and so I guess I was doing something wrong?, but my roommate just says they were being average gamer types but whatever. I shouldn't blame myself, blah blah, but the motivation's since been sapped to the point where it doesn't matter a lick since I can't be bothered to motivate myself to try again with anything.
I went to Seattle, once ... at about 10PM, on a whim. I took a random bus, and walked in a random direction. I met lots of homeless people who begged for money and food and made me incredibly uncomfortable by, in effect, parroting my own life story at me as their justification for being a homeless beggar. Ow. I looked around for someone I could tap to find someone else to tap from but I had no idea how to go about doing that so I packed it and packed off, which was sort of an ordeal in itself because I had to find that same random bus again and it was pretty miraculous I was able to run it down for the two blocks before it stopped. I pretty much passed out on the bus after that.
I did push myself to see a doctor but all that he could do was give me a fancier set of antibiotics and say to come back in two weeks for an MRI if it didn't help -- it didn't help, but aside from not having the insurance to have an MRI done I don't really think it would help. I'm pretty sure I'm sick from stress, and the stress isn't going to let up, so I have no idea what going to see the doctor is and really it's probably just because I don't take good care of myself and will hardly eat at all but I don't really care!, and I really don't care at all about anything.
I really hate it here, just because it's a here and I'd rather be there. I cut a check for rent though, and I wouldn't ask for it back, so I'm here for the long haul of the long month and I really don't like it here but I know that I wouldn't really like it no matter where I went. I don't really trust my roommate but I know it's just me being silly and I can't really talk about it with him anyway because he gives me a bad case of turtlejaw and I just really do clamp up. I've had trouble talking in general though, I just really don't feel like it, I stopped using the microphone on my PC while gaming and I won't answer the phone because I hate to talk. If he knocks on my door I knock back instead of just saying something, and I just nod at shopkeepers. I don't know. Talking irks me, so I don't really talk, and it's not something I think is really that important since I have no one to talk at anyway. I don't trust my roommate anyway so there's nothing I'd want to say, but I'm not sure how much I really distrust him I just know it's unreasonable -- I got drunk here once (but only once, I really don't like alcohol because it makes me use the bathroom and I hate using the bathroom) and I got really scared of him even though he was sleep and slept on a couch at the opposite end of the apartment with a knife.
He's a nice enough guy and all but I definitely don't like the fact he's here -- it took a bit of ribbing to have him lift up and out of my room and move his PC into his own but now that he's there I pretty much keep my door shut 24/7. I had terrible anxiety and fits of panic this morning because I didn't hear him leave when he usually goes to work (around 8AM, I was still awake) and I couldn't discern whether he was home or not but I was too scared to, I guess, just go look, but anyway I did eventually a few hours later and he was still asleep and it really made me uncomfortable so I didn't get much done. I don't clean up as much anymore, though I really don't make as much of a mess anymore -- I use the same glass for I don't know maybe a week now?, and I just don't use plates since I don't have anything to use them for and even when I do I usually just cook whatever it is on the box if it needs to be cooked or eat it straight-off if not I mean most food comes packaged these days for obvious reasons so it's not like one really needs a plate.
I looked into getting a psych/thera/whatsit but I really don't have the money for that, not with my rent sunk this month sunk how it is and really I don't think I have the patience for it anyway. There's all of this lag and start-up time associated with it where you make an appointment, and consult, and then if you stick with it you feel each other up, and it takes weeks and nothing happens and I don't really have the money or the patience for it. I made two appointments for consultations but I couldn't be bothered to show up, and I guess that's sort of symptomatic of everything right now is that I can't be bothered. I get scared of the dark sometimes too but only if I try to sleep, but I have four lamps in this room now so it's not that bad even at night and the cats like them too but really I don't have much patience for the kittens lately.
I deleted all of my messaging programs and websites and all of that so that I wouldn't be tempted to talk to anyone and it's been really hard being so lonely. I am pretty much dreaming about having fun with my high school friends every night now, and crying about missing my high school friends every day now, so I don't think that cutting them hard and fast necessarily worked so well but it wasn't like we were talking anyway ... I just got rid of that opportunity I guess, since that was the easiest way to keep myself from bothering them. I deleted a lot of other stuff too likesabouts I said, I broke the ceramic moon Amanda had given me (a birthday present, the sole one in the last four years) and tossed that and I tossed a lot of clothes too (because they reeked of foul things and had foul memories and bad bad bad and I don't even know why someone would need shoes like that, I don't need shoes like that because those are the sorts of shoes people wear when they want to have sex and sex is where trouble is)!, so I don't have that much stuff at all. I could probably fit it all in my laptop bag + backpack which would be good because suitcases are troublesome, and I saw some really cool plane tickets back to Philadelphia (the Gateway to Jersey) for only $99 which would be a really good deal but I don't think I can really afford that right now?
I don't have any sort of income or anything so I am sure I will run out of money soon since I have like $600/mo in bills when you add the rent in but I don't really know what that means? At some point the money will run out but I don't know how that is going to change my life. I guess I should be able to grok that but it's not really something for grokking, I mean try and think for yourself "What would I do if I ran out of money?" It's just not something you can grok very well because it's never really supposed to happen, and it won't -- my college told me for six months running that they couldn't bunk me last autumn but my life physically couldn't continue if they didn't bunk me, so they ended up bunking me after all! I think it's the same sort of concept. I'm not going to die so of course things are going to work out!, because if I'm going to die then I'm going to die and it doesn't really matter anyway -- I don't think I'm being clear but the point is that as long as I'm supposed to keep living, things will work out?
So I'm not sure what I just said or what I need help with. I think I have like $300 left, which would last me for a few months if it wasn't less than what I need to pay for rent if I stay here through whatever month is next I think that one's March? I really miss my friends and I'd love to fly back to Jersey and see them again but they're all away at college so I don't even think that's possible. Maybe they'll have spring break soon though, and then I could fly out to see them then and maybe Sami or someone else could adopt me again and everything would be wonderful!, and really if my money's running out and spring break is coming up that's probably what's going to happen.
Regardless, I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what I need to change in order to do things right. It's 5:41AM right now and everyone else is asleep but I don't feel like being asleep -- everyone else does their groceries in the daytime, but I don't feel like doing groceries in the daytime! I own a pair of sneakers, two pairs socks two pairs jeans two pairs underwear two shirts and two bags and I don't know why I need anything else! I don't know why I need to eat healthy food and not just stay in my bed for 24 hours a day, everyday, or why I should go back to a doctor or back to school or why I should get a job.
I really don't understand any of it, and having people tell me you just have to, why can't you understand something so simple! just makes me upset and that makes it even harder, okay? My hair has been really annoying me too because it's unkempt and it's been too long since I cut it but I'm afraid to cut it because that's a commitment. I wanted to buy bedsheets too but that's a commitment and I guess these sheets aren't so bad after all, they're just a little smelly now but that's my own fault, right?, so I don't think I'm even supposed to make this thread because these are all my problems and if I lack the strength to fix things that's my own fault but mostly I miss my friends back in Jersey even if they don't live there anymore.
I really have no idea what life is.
So, I cannot understand the most basic shit. I arrived, largely on a whim and a prayer, in Washington state pretty much as the new year rolled over. Since then, I have made some token efforts at putting together a life -- and didn't even really fail, but I don't think I ever really succeeded -- and have since instead just degenerated into, well ... nothing. I don't really do anything.
On an average day, I will either play MMOs for 20 hours and sleep for 4 or I will sleep for 20 hours and attempt to log in to play MMOs over the other scattered 4 but just get frustrated and log out, to get more sleep. About three times a week I walk down to the grocery, usually at around midnight, and I buy candy and soda. My housemate works in the daytime, which is when I shower, and habitually vomit. When I'm walking to the store, if I'm alone on the street, sometimes I vomit there too. I shower every other day now, at best, when I used to shower at least once a day -- and usually I just sit in the tub and daydream instead of actually, you know, being hygienic.
I looked into jobs but I never really made any headway. I didn't really care. I went shopping for more weather-appropriate/more clothes but I only bought socks since my arrival here. I actually threw out about half of my clothes, because there were bad memories and bad smells attached that I just couldn't get rid of and all of that. I mean honestly I don't even know what I would get that's weather-appropriate the whole thing is sort of a mish-mash, but anyway the fact of the matter is that it doesn't really matter since I've done squat and nothing. I have not met anyone. I left the apartment to try and be social once, and although I learned the names of a few people and we laughed and I thought we were having a good time they never asked for my name and so I guess I was doing something wrong?, but my roommate just says they were being average gamer types but whatever. I shouldn't blame myself, blah blah, but the motivation's since been sapped to the point where it doesn't matter a lick since I can't be bothered to motivate myself to try again with anything.
I went to Seattle, once ... at about 10PM, on a whim. I took a random bus, and walked in a random direction. I met lots of homeless people who begged for money and food and made me incredibly uncomfortable by, in effect, parroting my own life story at me as their justification for being a homeless beggar. Ow. I looked around for someone I could tap to find someone else to tap from but I had no idea how to go about doing that so I packed it and packed off, which was sort of an ordeal in itself because I had to find that same random bus again and it was pretty miraculous I was able to run it down for the two blocks before it stopped. I pretty much passed out on the bus after that.
I did push myself to see a doctor but all that he could do was give me a fancier set of antibiotics and say to come back in two weeks for an MRI if it didn't help -- it didn't help, but aside from not having the insurance to have an MRI done I don't really think it would help. I'm pretty sure I'm sick from stress, and the stress isn't going to let up, so I have no idea what going to see the doctor is and really it's probably just because I don't take good care of myself and will hardly eat at all but I don't really care!, and I really don't care at all about anything.
I really hate it here, just because it's a here and I'd rather be there. I cut a check for rent though, and I wouldn't ask for it back, so I'm here for the long haul of the long month and I really don't like it here but I know that I wouldn't really like it no matter where I went. I don't really trust my roommate but I know it's just me being silly and I can't really talk about it with him anyway because he gives me a bad case of turtlejaw and I just really do clamp up. I've had trouble talking in general though, I just really don't feel like it, I stopped using the microphone on my PC while gaming and I won't answer the phone because I hate to talk. If he knocks on my door I knock back instead of just saying something, and I just nod at shopkeepers. I don't know. Talking irks me, so I don't really talk, and it's not something I think is really that important since I have no one to talk at anyway. I don't trust my roommate anyway so there's nothing I'd want to say, but I'm not sure how much I really distrust him I just know it's unreasonable -- I got drunk here once (but only once, I really don't like alcohol because it makes me use the bathroom and I hate using the bathroom) and I got really scared of him even though he was sleep and slept on a couch at the opposite end of the apartment with a knife.
He's a nice enough guy and all but I definitely don't like the fact he's here -- it took a bit of ribbing to have him lift up and out of my room and move his PC into his own but now that he's there I pretty much keep my door shut 24/7. I had terrible anxiety and fits of panic this morning because I didn't hear him leave when he usually goes to work (around 8AM, I was still awake) and I couldn't discern whether he was home or not but I was too scared to, I guess, just go look, but anyway I did eventually a few hours later and he was still asleep and it really made me uncomfortable so I didn't get much done. I don't clean up as much anymore, though I really don't make as much of a mess anymore -- I use the same glass for I don't know maybe a week now?, and I just don't use plates since I don't have anything to use them for and even when I do I usually just cook whatever it is on the box if it needs to be cooked or eat it straight-off if not I mean most food comes packaged these days for obvious reasons so it's not like one really needs a plate.
I looked into getting a psych/thera/whatsit but I really don't have the money for that, not with my rent sunk this month sunk how it is and really I don't think I have the patience for it anyway. There's all of this lag and start-up time associated with it where you make an appointment, and consult, and then if you stick with it you feel each other up, and it takes weeks and nothing happens and I don't really have the money or the patience for it. I made two appointments for consultations but I couldn't be bothered to show up, and I guess that's sort of symptomatic of everything right now is that I can't be bothered. I get scared of the dark sometimes too but only if I try to sleep, but I have four lamps in this room now so it's not that bad even at night and the cats like them too but really I don't have much patience for the kittens lately.
I deleted all of my messaging programs and websites and all of that so that I wouldn't be tempted to talk to anyone and it's been really hard being so lonely. I am pretty much dreaming about having fun with my high school friends every night now, and crying about missing my high school friends every day now, so I don't think that cutting them hard and fast necessarily worked so well but it wasn't like we were talking anyway ... I just got rid of that opportunity I guess, since that was the easiest way to keep myself from bothering them. I deleted a lot of other stuff too likesabouts I said, I broke the ceramic moon Amanda had given me (a birthday present, the sole one in the last four years) and tossed that and I tossed a lot of clothes too (because they reeked of foul things and had foul memories and bad bad bad and I don't even know why someone would need shoes like that, I don't need shoes like that because those are the sorts of shoes people wear when they want to have sex and sex is where trouble is)!, so I don't have that much stuff at all. I could probably fit it all in my laptop bag + backpack which would be good because suitcases are troublesome, and I saw some really cool plane tickets back to Philadelphia (the Gateway to Jersey) for only $99 which would be a really good deal but I don't think I can really afford that right now?
I don't have any sort of income or anything so I am sure I will run out of money soon since I have like $600/mo in bills when you add the rent in but I don't really know what that means? At some point the money will run out but I don't know how that is going to change my life. I guess I should be able to grok that but it's not really something for grokking, I mean try and think for yourself "What would I do if I ran out of money?" It's just not something you can grok very well because it's never really supposed to happen, and it won't -- my college told me for six months running that they couldn't bunk me last autumn but my life physically couldn't continue if they didn't bunk me, so they ended up bunking me after all! I think it's the same sort of concept. I'm not going to die so of course things are going to work out!, because if I'm going to die then I'm going to die and it doesn't really matter anyway -- I don't think I'm being clear but the point is that as long as I'm supposed to keep living, things will work out?
So I'm not sure what I just said or what I need help with. I think I have like $300 left, which would last me for a few months if it wasn't less than what I need to pay for rent if I stay here through whatever month is next I think that one's March? I really miss my friends and I'd love to fly back to Jersey and see them again but they're all away at college so I don't even think that's possible. Maybe they'll have spring break soon though, and then I could fly out to see them then and maybe Sami or someone else could adopt me again and everything would be wonderful!, and really if my money's running out and spring break is coming up that's probably what's going to happen.
Regardless, I feel like I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what I need to change in order to do things right. It's 5:41AM right now and everyone else is asleep but I don't feel like being asleep -- everyone else does their groceries in the daytime, but I don't feel like doing groceries in the daytime! I own a pair of sneakers, two pairs socks two pairs jeans two pairs underwear two shirts and two bags and I don't know why I need anything else! I don't know why I need to eat healthy food and not just stay in my bed for 24 hours a day, everyday, or why I should go back to a doctor or back to school or why I should get a job.
I really don't understand any of it, and having people tell me you just have to, why can't you understand something so simple! just makes me upset and that makes it even harder, okay? My hair has been really annoying me too because it's unkempt and it's been too long since I cut it but I'm afraid to cut it because that's a commitment. I wanted to buy bedsheets too but that's a commitment and I guess these sheets aren't so bad after all, they're just a little smelly now but that's my own fault, right?, so I don't think I'm even supposed to make this thread because these are all my problems and if I lack the strength to fix things that's my own fault but mostly I miss my friends back in Jersey even if they don't live there anymore.
I really have no idea what life is.
Oboro on
words
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Posts
Do you know or have any idea what you want out of your life?
Do you have any idea what you enjoy? Just because you sleep for 20 hours or play games for 20 hours doesn't necessarily mean you enjoy doing it.
As far as other things are concerned. You can technically live off having no money wether it be welfare or other programs or methods you find of survivnig or existing. However, working a job you like or not will give you some money, allowing you more options of things you can do day to day.
If you found a temp agency that got you a job paying you a decent wage in your eyes, or one that allows you to pay the $600 in expenses a month plus allows you some entertainment, you'd be able to go out if you want, or spend money on other things whether it would be a plane ticket to another city or state or just watching movies, visiting your high school friends etc.
Does anything get you interested or excited enough to want to wake up in the morning?
For example, I can tolerate my job since it helps pay the bills, but I enjoy my co-workers quite a bit. I enjoy being able to grab a cup of coffee and read the paper at some point everyday.
If you look for things like that to start with as to why you enjoy even waking up in the morning, you might be able to find other things you enjoy.
If you aren't sure, which is what your post sgugests, you might try some simple things to see how it works.
I might suggest you try having a small 15 minute conversation about anything with your roommate once a day. It might help you become more comfortable with him and you might find that you don't mind or even enjoy talking to him. Maybe you could make a friend of mine that you like hanging around with or perhaps you'd meet his friends and like them too.
Try taking things in smaller steps. Maybe today you're going to make yourself a cup of coffee or tea or just a glass of soda or water and go buy a newspaper. Maybe you'd rather take a walk and just people-watch.
I don't know if any of this will be helpful, but it might get you thinking about things you enjoy doing?
And I understand that money is what you get from jobs, and money buys things, but that doesn't really mean anything to me since there isn't anything I really feel like buying. If I go to the grocery with ambitious plans, I just get overwhelmed and cry and I leave. Back when I could still be bothered, when I went to the mall, I just got overwhelmed and angry and couldn't but anything because I can't commit because committing to anything is stupid.
I don't really like my roommate and I could try having a conversation with him but I'm pretty sure that he's going to read it the wrong way and I don't want to end up on the back foot with him because he's already starting to hate me I think?, so I paid extra on my rent this month and hopefully he won't hate me as much.
Oh, and if that was the question you wanted to ask I think I answered it as best I could but if the question you wanted to ask isn't that question I'd answer your question if you asked it. I don't really have anything left to hide at this point, if search was enabled it would already be there for the world to see and there's really no point hiding anything from anyone anyway since it all just boils over anyhow.
you will not be disappointed
after that all you have to do is sit down and decide who you are as a person, which would i guess be the hard part of my advice
seriously though. if you are closed off to enjoying anything none of us can give you advice on how to live better
it's one of those things you have to just try
the one good thing i will say about clubs is you go there one. you mess up in some way? who cares? you're never gonna see those jerks again
In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
Have you tried doing volunteer work? Now, while I know you don't have a job and I know full well that volunteering won't help you pay the bills, but it might help you find something you enjoy doing, which may be a very important thing to find here to help motivate you. You might look for volunteering opportunities in the area. You might be able to simply search google or whatnot for "Volunteer opportunities, Seattle" or some such and see what's available.
How about riding a bike? Going on a jog/walk? Reading a book? Using the internet to help you learn a new language?
If nothing else, try to meet some new people. Perhaps you'll find someone whose cmopany you find enjoyable and then maybe you can approach the dance/club scene a little more positively with having someone there with you?
For some reason I'm intimidated by the idea of volunteer work. I don't really understand what volunteer work is, either. I can do the Googling I guess, and maybe there will be someone with a first-person testimonial because the Internet is full of blogs now and then I'll have a really good idea of what volunteering is and if I want to try it, but even if I did I'm not sure how I would go about that.
I used to have a bike but I stopped really liking it because it didn't get along with my clothes or my hair. Plus it's windy here, and cold, and I don't think I'd last long on the bicycle. I try and stretch and sometimes when I'm going to the grocery I'll jog instead of walking because I want to get healthy again, but I only feel that way a little bit of the time so I don't think I'm making much headway. I don't really like books, or television, and movies are okay but you can't really get movies so I don't really care about them all that much. I tried to learn a new language twice but both times I got a pen pal and then things broke down with them and I didn't want to learn the language anymore.
I don't really understand what it is to meet new people. Everything is so much different than it was when I was in high school. In high school, I met someone, and then I could count on seeing them pretty much everyday and that was amazing! Then, in college, even though I lived right near people I would only see them a few times a week. Then, when my friends were in college but I wasn't, I was lucky to see them once or twice and that made me really upset, and that's why I miss my high school friends the most, because we were the closest. If I meet new people they're just going to be people I only see a little bit, and I don't really understand how I see them a lot of bit. They go to work and they might go to school, and that's where all of their time is going to be invested, so I'll see them maybe once a week?, but I guess what you're saying is that's better than nothing.
I haven't talked to a girl who wasn't a shopkeep since early December. I don't really like men very much anymore, they just sort of drive my head into a buzz, so I'm trying to find a way to meet new people but all of the things I did previously in my life don't work because I don't go to any kind of school anymore.
It would probably help you are right if I had someone to go with me when I went to try new things like going to a club.
It's sort of late to try the other poster's suggestion of going to sleep and waking up and taking the day by the horns ... it's almost 6:30AM now so it would be taking the afternoon by the horns. I don't physically have anything that could fill the role of a nice breakfast, but I could probably 'clean up a bit.' Buying clothes is hard. That's an issue on its own. I don't know what it means to hit the town, I just feel really overwhelmed and alone there, and even in the daytime people tend to assume I'm a homeless I think but just because how they look at me so I could be wrong.
It's not so simple as deciding who I am as a person, I used to think I knew who I was as a person ... a few times ... and even when I wasn't wrong, sometimes I got muscled out of being the person who I thought I was. I guess it worked out okay, in that it wasn't who I was really supposed to be, but it was still unpleasant because I don't like getting muscled around because it's not like I'm a sack of beans or anything.
I've never been to a club before. I don't really understand it. It's a really intimidating example and maybe something more friendlier would be in order. There's like eight different things scaring me about the club example so it's really intimidating and maybe something gentler.
i usually wake up around 4
and "get cleaned up" also means if you look homeless you should probably get a haircut.
another important thing you have to realize is no one's opinion on you matters anyways unless you are looking to get hired by them, since you are not screw em
you don't really ever find you personality in 1 seconds a lot of it is getting forced out of what you thought you were and then finding who you are
and no one said you have to go to like a rave club or anything. you could just go to a smaller more intimate place. (ive always wanted to try liek a jazz club) or some place with a live band
In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
Or perhaps you think "What's the point of it all?" in some big melodramatic fashion because nothing ever works out for you.
Honestly, if you actually want to spend the rest of your life being this depressed, then go right ahead. Grow hair you know looks terrible, (because haircuts are suddenly commitments? An engagement is a commitment, a haircut is grooming) don't get a job to support all the hobbies you apparently haven't tried, don't go out and even attempt to get acquainted with people (social skills, like skills in an MMO, level up! And as for not exchanging names, it takes all of "By the way, I'm <Oboro>" and an extended hand)
Or maybe you can just go out and talk to people. Don't be choosy. If you're not feeling happy at the time, pretend to be happy and do it anyway, because nobody wants to talk to someone trying to drag them into despair. One day you might actually find yourself not having to pretend at all.
But please don't put on the "all is lost" mentality. In fact, laugh at yourself. Stop taking yourself and your problems so seriously. Why the hell not just shrug at what you feel, say "It's all just a bunch of emotions" and plan out ways to make your day productive?
As far as your roomate is concerned with liking/disliking you, people tend to do things to others when they don't like them.
For example, if I was your roommate and I didn't like you, I'd probably ignore you, or maybe I would go out of my way to avoid you. It sounds like your roommate still attempts to talk to you every now and then. Many times, people just want to talk to someone they are in close vicinity with to with some consistency.
Maybe you could try finding an inexpensive gym or fitness center to go to and try to meet people. If you go often, you might find others who do the same and get to know them or talk to them.
Try going to a library and reading some books. You might find people there whom enjoy some things you do so you can strike up conversation.
There was a time when I was very much dependant on what others thought of me and I'd hang out with people who made me feel like I was more popular in the eyes of others and such, even when I wasn't a huge fan of them.
At some point I came to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter all that much what others think of me, so I became more confident in myself because I figured if I wasn't happy or confident in myself, nobody else would be.
Don't worry so much what others think of you. Everyone is self conscious to a degree, even when nobody else is really looking at what you are trying to hide. If you want to try something, you should just try it. If nothing else, going through with something should help boost your confidence a bit because hey, no matter what happens, you went to that club, or you kicked ass at that job for a day or whatever it might be. There's something positive to hold when you look at things a little differently.
And when I say why, I don't mean "what are your reasons"
I mean "what the fuck do you hope to achieve?"
I don't really know what it means to stop taking my problems so seriously. I've tried a lot of hobbies over the past year but the ones I liked were because of the people, not because of the hobbies. You're right that it's my fault I wasn't aggressive enough last time I saw people. I try not to be choosy but people are often choosy with me, and even after that I've learned to be choosy myself because I just get hurt.
You can say it's all melodramatic but it'll cease being melodramatic when I dredge up the life story, ... or at least, my take on it may be melodramatic but maybe I feel like it'll be somewhat justified.
Nothing ever does work out for me -- it, consistently, has not worked out for me for the past six years. The more effort I put into something, the worst it tends to spin out; this is the rule of the world I've come to live in, which may admittedly be different from your world but I'd like to get back on yours but I'm having a hard time and that's why I'm asking even if I don't really know what I'm asking just specifically.
I don't really understand what it is to "just go out and talk to people." It's not really that simple. I used to walk around practicing the lines and conversations I would have with someone when I met them on the street but I never ran into anyone on the street, and when I told someone this they told me that it's wildly inappropriate to talk to people that you just happen to see and I sort of feel like they're right. I don't want people to be awkward like me, or be creeps to me or think that I'm a creep, and I'm not really sure what pretending to be happy entails or I guess I do and I can probably do that if I have a time and a place, but those are more what I lack right now than anything else.
I'm sorry that I put out the mentality I did. I don't think there's much to laugh at though. I bought a potted flower that I named Cornet deNapal and the kittens ate her, and it was sad but I guess it was also silly and funny and that's probably something I should laugh at myself over?, I think. I find it really hard to laugh at myself when there's no one else in my life. It seems like a wasted exercise.
Also, it certainly doesn't feel like just a bunch of emotions, or at least not "just" a bunch of emotions. It may be a bunch of emotions, but that's how I feel and I don't really know how to make my day productive.
t the would-be Fucker I don't think that the difference between a jazz club /live club /rave club means all that much to me right now. It's just very intimidating in general, but it's a good point that you made about things and I'll think about it all things.
EDIT LINE
Library is good. I should find the library near here. I used to go to a library where a woman named Moira worked and she was very nice to me but also very busy, so I never really talked to her nor she to me but that was the library where she worked and it was a comfortable place. I'm sure there are books out there I want to read.
t Dodge, I don't really know what you mean. I never severed myself from my old life, this is just sort of the only life I've known. This is how things have been de facto since I graduated high school, and even for the last two years of high school they were in that crumbling phase and they only got worse instead of better once I lost my friends.
And er, I don't know what I hope to achieve by continuing living. If I stay alive long enough, they'll come up with a technology that will let me plug into an MMO or the Internet and just disconnect from your world 100% and that would be a good thing to achieve.
If I was trying to accomplish something, it was to stop annoying them, nothing to help myself. I guess that's a bad thing but it can't be helped now.
Dip your hand in ink.
Slap yourself across the face.
Print out a script to an Audrey Hepburn movie and ask your roommate to drink some booze and recite it with you.
Print out a bunch of fliers that just have big smiley faces on them and hand them out on street corners.
Don't nobody know how to live good and proper, but that ain't no reason to not live.
Refusing to commit is a commitment in itself.
But yeah, you've outlined why everything is so hard for you. And I'm sure it is hard. Very hard, to the point where you sound like you have completely dropped out of life. This thread is asking for advice on how to live a life, but the thing is: You already know how to live a life, you just think its too hard. And people will come in and say 'Its not hard' to which you will reply 'life is the single most difficult thing in the world'.
You are obviously a smart person, and I guarantee that this thread won't tell you anything that you don't already know. Even a 'normal' person would be fucked up completely alone in a new city without a single connection.
So this is the part where I say BUT YOU HAVE THE POWER. But maybe you don't? I don't know you. If life is so singularly awful that you are happier in WoW, maybe you will never be happy.
You can still try though. I would say that you should try. My advice would be to find someone (family) who can help look after you until you get back on your feet. If there is no one in the world who will look after you, then I guess you have to do it yourself. I don't know if you can. Get a job. An easy job, that won't be to demanding stresswise or socialwise.
if this thread continues it'll likely just be a thread where I butt heads with people until they tell me It, at which point I will be satisfied but no better off. Someone told me not to bother making a thread like this and I guess he was right.
The information is there though and if people want to continue butting heads with me they're more than welcome if they feel like they can shine a light on something that I'm missing or if they just want to give and tell me It. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself together long enough to take that first step but it'll probably happen given enough time, I'm just apparently not all that happy sitting around and waiting for it even if I'm too scared to get out of bed in the morning. If I have to keep living I'm sure that I can do it, it'll just take a very long while probably in all likelihood but something has to give and I'll probably continue respiring so I don't really know.
I don't want this to be one of the threads where it goes on for like four pages and then someone snaps out, you just want to hear what you knew from the start, so thanks for breaking that to me both quickly and courteously and even if you're the sort of person I could never get along with I would have liked to have a friend like you. The first thing you say is what all of my high school friends would say as they dropped out of my life, one by one, things had gotten too different between us and well they had tact just like you have tact so it's all well and well done by everyone I guess.
I don't really know what I'm going to do but that's no worse even if it's no better and I think that I'm supposed to laugh at myself and then try something without overthinking it?, according to this thread, but I think I am still just going to be too scared to get out of bed and then I am going to vomit chocolate into the tub once my roommate goes to work in 15 minutes, even though I never heard his alarm go off but I'm pretty sure he just woke up early because I think I heard his MSN messenger through the wall but I didn't really hear him leave so I'm actually very scared again about that since he promised last night that he was going to work today, but we'll see I guess.
Just start looking at the positive side of things. That should be a good first step.
I had a friend like you once, a person who felt that life was awful and emotional connections were just a gateway to being fucked over. In high school we were very good friends but we fought alot. He would always say 'we'll just drift apart after high school' and we did. I tried for a little while, but my definition of a friendship was not compatibile with his. My gestures were too token, my reactions not strong enough when his world was crashing down. I didn't care very much, because he was so very draining.
I haven't spoken to him in years but I hear he is doing better. If he contacted me to say 'hey we should hang out' I totally would. I still like him, for all his insanity. But it would probably just go the same route again, so maybe he is better off? I don't know.
My point... what is my point? My point is you need people. You also drive those people away. Starting from scratch sounds insanely difficult, and I can't really think of any particularly good advice on that. Even if you don't like your room mate, try with him. Just as an experiment, to test yourself. Start small
One question I have is, how are you living? You don't have a job, so how do you pay for rent/food etc?
Things fell apart with my family when I was 16. Because of the nature of the issues at hand, I had never really spent any money at all growing up -- I didn't even really get into video games et al into after the clusterfuck, I just sometimes played an occasional MMO beforehand. My birthday is December 30th, so I had an enormous stockpile of money from birthday/Christmas that was just cold hard cash because I never wanted anything. While I was growing up, my parents would take from that money to buy me clothes et al since money overall was tight for us, but once I was a teenager they loosened up and it started piling up.
The bits of clothes I have now are all from that period -- they're all six or so years old. Once my family's provisions for me got scant, I used that money to scoot by; my high school friends' mothers and fathers helped when I needed help, because I think they sort of felt obligated because of how big my parents were being as dicks. Anyway ... I burnt through that. A while ago.
I went to a state college for Fall 2006. I applied for a loan, as it works, as if I was going to be attending a full year -- let's say I got $21000. I paid $12000 for that first semester, because I didn't drop out that time until it was after the week of finals.
I didn't go back in the spring. I paid interest briefly on the loans but then they went back into deferment for the Fall 2007 semester. However, that time, I dropped out within a month or so and got a substantial refund -- $4000 or so cash after I paid off my credit cards. I refinanced my loans after the deferment period ended, and got a five month grace period ... or so I thought. The refinancing never went through because I couldn't prove I lived anywhere for them without moving somewhere else and having to start that game over again.
So, I pay $167/mo on my loans ... which actually total $21000, because I had to pay for a $3800/semester hotel room among other ridiculous expenses. I have maybe $1500 or so of that money left altogether, but it's spread over multiple bank accounts because I kept picking banks that were regional (Wachovia, stuff like that) before settling in with Bank of America now in WA and I have yet to consolidate my accounts.
EDIT Oh. And unseemly activities, but very sparingly, and I already got checked up after that period of my life. I got rid of all of those clothes, like I said, so I would have to actually work to get into that again.
Honestly, the surest way to drop into a spiral of depression is not having a reason to get up in the morning. The best advice I can think of is to find something to do, and do it for a while, preferably something that will inevitably lead to at least having contact with other people, if not actively socialising.
Part of the overwhelming feelings you're getting is that you're looking at your life and seeing a long list of things about it that you aren't happy with. First of all, accept that you aren't going to fix all of it overnight, and it's likely that it'll take you a while to change any part of it in such a way that you'll be happier.
Pick one thing, and find a way to improve that aspect of your life. Personally, I'd go with your lack of routine. From what you describe, you're sleeping and waking pretty much at random, which is bad because it means there's no structure to your life into which you can fit other activities.
Find something that requires you to leave the house and stick to a schedule, even if it just means you have to get up at a specific time one day of the week. What that will be is going to depend on your specific tolerance for social interaction. A few things that spring to mind are:
Ask your doctor if there are any support groups or similar you could attend. The important thing here isn't what you might get out of the group, but that you'll be doing something.
As already suggested, do some voluntary work. That way you don't have to worry about having made the kind of commitment that actual employment entails (which from the sound of it, you'd have difficulty with at the moment) and you won't have to suffer the stressful application->interview->possible rejection cycle.
If you're really having trouble coping with people, do something like hit up the library, grab some reference books, and contribute to some wikipedia articles.
If you have any interests, or one that you'd like to develop, see if there's a group in your area that meets up.
The benefits to any of these are that if, say, every tuesday you have somewhere to be at a specific time, you have something to plan for and look forward to, plus it'll have a ripple effect on the rest of your lifestyle. You'll have to regulate your sleep more carefully, you'll have a reason to get up in the morning, you'll have to think a little more carefully about when you eat so that you have the energy to actually do things, and they all increase your chances of interacting with people, even if it's only incidentally.
Doing so will build your confidence, regular sleeping and eating patterns will help stabilise your mood (seriously, it makes a huge difference), and as you become more confident about interacting with people, you'll be better equipped to handle things like the hair and clothes dilemma.
I know this does kind of sound like more "just get out and do something" type advice, but hopefully I've explained a bit why it's a good idea, and that it only has to be as difficult/stressful as you want it to be. Just remember: baby steps.
1- Quit playing MMOs. The vicious circle they tend to create are likely going to be as bad as a drug addiction would be for you in your situation/condition. Try reading more. It's actually a more active task, because it forces you to use your imagination.
2- Force yourself to go out every day. Just take a walk. Browse shops without buying anything. Once you start feeling comfortable, try interacting with people.
3- You're clearly depressed, and we're talking clinical depression, here. Well, a real psychologist would have to confirm this, but anyway, that's how it seems to me. In that condition, I would avoid any drugs or alcohol, as that could make the situation worse. See if there isn't any way you could get some therapy for free or on the cheap. Might at least get you on the road to recovery. Until you resolve that, you probably won't be able to hold a job anyway (although going through a temp agency could still work out for you.) But you really need to take care of that depression, as it might be one of the causes of your being physically sick.
4- You seem to have little trouble in sharing your situation in writing. Why not start a blog, and force yourself to post something every day? Try to work on your writing. You might even end up writing something worth publishing at some point (unlikely, but you never know.) At least, it'll give you something to do. Also, writing down your situation and thoughts will force you to face things, and probably will help with your process of "recovery". It might actually help you work out what you want to do in life, what your goals are, etc.
5- In some ways, your situation reminds me a bit of the situation of the main characters in two recent TV series you might want to check out, as they might help you work some things out (or at least, they might make you laugh, which can actually help to cure depression...) The series are "Dead Like Me" (ran for two seasons, I still see reruns here and there) and "Wonderfalls" (ran for 4 episodes, but there's a DVD set with all 13 produced episodes.) Both have a main character who is about your age (I gather) and who is educated (some would say overeducated) but who totally lack ambition or direction.
Good luck with all this. Only you can get yourself out of this funk.
Check out my new blog: http://50wordstories.ca
Also check out my old game design blog: http://stealmygamedesigns.blogspot.com
I don't understand this. Just look through a magazine or something and if you look at a hair cut and think 'that's nice' or even 'that's not too bad' get it.
What do you mean what gender to represent?
Also, hair will grow back, so don't be discouraged =)
Xaquin's Manly Knitting Blog! Conquest Tactics .... a better CCG
1) Oboro, after a long process of both physical, emotional, and financial preparation, makes steady progress towards realizing her identity
2) Oboro runs aground oppression and bigotry (a. Oboro is kicked out of her house, b. Oboro is harassed incessantly and repetitive attempts on her life are made, c. Oboro loses her under-the-table job working for a hobby games shop, d. a multitude of smaller things)
3) Oboro is forced to revert to presenting as a male, because she is cast to the whims of the world and must survive on the kindness of others, and her identity must sit in the backseat, until that is no longer possible and for whatever reason Oboro is emboldened to go back to step 1)
After four years caught in this cycle, I have lost 100% of my motivation to well, do ... anything. The correlation with hard work for me is, "get shit on." The correlation with looking more like a presentable female that both I am happy being and the rest of the world recognizes as attractive is, "get shit on." I could go on.
I stopped maintaining my Livejournal because everyone told me that I was a histrionic attention whore and I figured, well, if I make a private one and I don't have any interest in updating it, I guess they were right! And they were right. But I can try a new one, I guess, though I don't have much to write about anymore. The last four years were crazy, but the last month was just a muddy and uneventful blur.
I'll look into clinics or whatever they have here in Washington, but the wait for a consultation alone at the free clinics in NJ was 6-8 weeks. I really can't be bothered to stay on a waiting list that long. Paying out of pocket would create a dependency I can't afford. I don't really like therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. When I was in school last, I went through eight weeks of referrals and exhausted 100% of my student health insurance benefits without being told anything other than "I'm not qualified to see you." I've been told I have everything from schizophrenia to Aspergers to a slew of personality disorders. I don't trust them and I don't think they trust me so I've sort of turned my back there. I was on meds once, I hated it, and I dropped them. I got by. I'm not dead. That's getting by. I got by.
I'll try the 'forcing myself to get out' thing even if just for exposure, but I really really really really really really really am not comfortable with the idea and I don't know. I go grocery shopping at midnight for a reason.
This is the advice you need to be reading.
I wasn't going to post in this thread, but after reading a bit more, I have to say: you honestly, seriously need help, and I do not--in any way--mean that in a condescending manner. The work and social life advice here won't mean anything until you take this first step.
Just for the record: I do not have any type of medical, psychology or psychiatry background, but I do work for a mental health human services agency, so I am in this field.
The first thing you should realize is that you opened up to the H/A board. That means you probably want help. If you didn't want help, you wouldn't have made this thread. You must also realize that you will not find the help you need on this board, and if you are unable or unwilling to pull yourself out of this horrid spiral, you must find somebody to lend you a hand. This isn't the blues you're dealing with--it sounds like severe depression or a similiar disorder. You are not mentally healthy and you need assistance.
What you said about not seeing a therapist... frankly, I think that's a cop-out. You have a computer so get busy on Google and other resources looking for free help. There are universities, nonprofit organizations, county and state resources, faith-based services and social programs out there. You don't have to let go of your last few pennies on getting the help you need.
Here are a couple of links. Please use them:
Goldberg Depression Questionnaire
DBS Alliance
For your own well-being, start with those and follow additional links you find at the site. You're going to have to take at least one initial step. I don't see things ending well for you if this cycle continues.
Finally, if you're not able to take care of your responsibilities--namely your pets and their related food and health expenses--you have to get busy finding them another home. You made a commitment when you got them. If you're unable to continue with their care, you need to find someone who will take care of them. They have no choice or options other than the home you provide them, so do right by them if you are unable to care for them.
You seem like an intelligent person. You just need some help and you can't continue living in this manner. I wish you the best of luck.
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A. You have serious mental problems.
or
B. You're really lazy and full of excuses for every single thing.
I think the obvious answer is A and you really need to talk to someone about what's going on with you.
However, if it's B then here's my advice. Grow up. Getting a haircut isn't "an issue." Taking a shower and buying groceries aren't "another problem you can't understand." These are things that billions of people do on a daily basis. What is there not to understand?
Tonight, go to bed at 10pm. Get up at 6am. Take off your clothes. Go to the bathroom. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Use soap. Dry yourself off. Put on the cleanest clothes you have. If you have something there to eat that isn't candy or soda, eat it. Leave the house. Take your dirty clothes with you in one of those two bags you've got. Also, take your bedsheets. Go to the nearest laundrymat. Buy some detergent there. Wash your clothes and sheets. Then put them in the dryer. While they're drying, try to look for the nearest place where you could get a haircut. If you aren't sure what hairstyle would look best on you, just ask the stylist/barber for some advice and they'll help you. Go back and pick up your dry clothes. Take them home, put them away. Make your bed. Then use some soap and wash that filthy cup you've been drinking out of for a week.
By now it should only be, what, noon? Your mission for the afternoon is to go to the grocery store and buy some healthy food. If you don't know what healthy food is, stick to the produce section. Do not buy candy. But do buy a newspaper. Take it home and look through the want ads. Alternatively, just go to the nearest fast food/Target/Wal Mart and ask about employment. Make a serious commitment to get a job.
If you do all those things, you've made serious strides to correct your situation, and it only took one day.
However, I really honestly think that you can't do any of that stuff, at least not until you talk to someone about all this. So that's my real advice. And I'm not trying to be a jerk. But every one of us who read your whole OP knows that this is not a problem that we can really help you with. Good luck.
OP, you need to come to grips with the fact that you've been through a lot, and you'll probably never have things "easy." But you also need to realize that you're not alone in your experiences and that you'd do much better to communicate (and possibly commiserate) with people who have gone through similar experiences. You don't have to label yourself but you do need to talk to a sympathetic ear. You're more likely to find help through a group resource and network of individuals who can be there for you rather than a psychologist or counselor, though, because if you simply talk to a counselor, you're still going home to the same situation you've been in for a month (and, ultimately, since you were 16).
GLBT groups are not full of perverts or people who want to take advantage of you -- they're full of caring people who want to help other people who are confused, hurt, cast-out or whatever. You should find one you can go visit via bus and talk to the people there, today if possible (it's still early).
I don't know any specifics or anything, but I'd imagine there are forums somewhere that have people in your situation that could probably help.
Xaquin's Manly Knitting Blog! Conquest Tactics .... a better CCG
I don't know, I was cued in by this comment
This is probably one of the most exciting neighborhoods in the city, and my guess is that there are probably people around there that you could click with.
2) and like other people have said, go to a hair place, you dont even have to get it cut, just ask to get it "cleaned up" and then try to get a 40 hour a week job.
Go try to get a job at Pita Pit, or Dicks Burgers. Dicks pays pretty good considering its a burger job and there always seem to be cool people that work there.
Assuming that you like computer stuff, try to get a job at a local computer place. I don't know how close you are to the west seattle neighborhood, but my friend just left a job at this place called Quid-Nunc that was a little neighborhood computer place. He made a lot of good friends while at work.
Really, I think the easiest way to meet people is getting a job, especially one in a food place because you invariably talk with your co workers. I worked at a Jamba Juice for about 4 years, and when the place was dead, my co workers would open up to me like I was Barbara Walters, telling me crazy stories, asking for advice, etc. (I think my favorite was this one girl was afraid to have sex with her new boyfiend because his dick was too big. I called her a pussy and the next day she came in and was like, yeah, you're right, I'm a pussy). When you're in a situation like that, it is REALLY easy to get to know people, because you have shit load of downtime and conversation starters are ALL OVER. (i.e. Man that customer was a dick face)
I'm trying to think of cool places to get a job that you can chill with people.
Get hired on at a Metropolitan Market, I've got a friend that works there, hangs out with people from work all the time.
I would say Jamba Juice, but you don't really seem like the jamba juice type.
Try a coffee joint like Cafe Ladro or hole up in a record shop.
OOO, what about Half Price Books! Definitely try that place
Or like someone already said, try a temp agency.
I think getting a job could probably do the most good, it's good for you to have to wake up and do something during the day, and it forces you to get out there. Also you get the satisfaction of your job or at least a pay check.
And with your accounts, consolidate all that shit into a WaMu (Washington Mutual account). You get free checking, a free master card debit card, free savings account, free online banking, free everything, and in seattle there are a shit load of WaMus
And what Eggy Toast said! snap
Also - I'm going to throw in some random advice. Start running/working out. Start slowly, but just get out of the house and take a fast walk every day or something. Ride a bike. Anything like that will help you feel so much better, believe me.
I have no idea what "situation" "takes priority" and I should "prioritize" in finding someone. I plugged my zip code into this http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/pt/prof_search.php search engine because it looked like a clean-cut website and they didn't ask for any money from me. But really that's about as far as I can get before I just shut down.
EDIT I'm in Kirkland, the shitty neighborhood that isn't downtown Kirkland but is by the Juanita developments. Like, the ass of things, such that it's a 2 mile walk each way to the Safeway.
http://www.ingersollcenter.org/
http://www.scn.org/people/sex/
http://seattle.about.com/od/gaylesbian/Seattle_and_Tacomas_GayLesbianBisexualTransgender_GLBT_Community.htm
It's something you shouldn't be ashamed about, even though it's obviously something that's embarrassing and personal. It's not like you asked to be the way you are, after all.
Once again, support groups. Therapists/psychs/etc are useful for trying to figure out long term issues, support groups are better for practical advice about how to cope with where you are now.
I don't know the geography where you are (I was just googling for "seattle"), but I did find this:
http://www.southsoundgender.com/about.html
http://www.southsoundgender.com/meetings.html
Also, I hate other transpeople with a passion more intense than anyone except maybe generic straight men. It takes me a long time to warm up to these communities. I am not not not not not going to just go looking and plop down and NO. Just don't even offer that up. I'm trying the counseling thing right now but that's really as far as I can push myself I refuse refuse refuse to do anything LGBT-centric
EDIT I really shouldn't have used the 'straight' qualifier I am instinctively repulsed by gay men too
EDIT 2 Really anything with a penis at this point
Back when I was fresh out of College, me and my best friend from College got a job and an apartment together. He was pretty much my only friend becase I had moved to this city and didnt make any other friends while in school.
We played EQ1, slept, ate the same foods that you describe, played EQ, and when we were scheduled to work, we worked. (pretty much exactly what you describe, minus the job bit)
Due to some complicating circumstances, my best friend lost his job, and fell into the EXACT same pattern as you are in. He slept when he was tired, ate when he got hungry, otherwise just played Everquest. Eventually when I quit that job without looking for another job, I fell into the EXACT same pattern: sleep, game, eat. Shower / change clothes when I couldnt stand my own BO.
The only real way out of that cycle is to get a new job. And people dont just hand you a job, you need to work for it.
Steps I think you should take:
1) get yourself on a schedule, even if your just lying in bed awake, get yourself into a regular sleep pattern
2) start eating proper foods, you have money but it wont last forever, your roommate sounds like a cool enough person that you could cook some simple meals while he sleeps (i always liked perogies and bacon, pretty easy boil and fry, you could do rice or one of the other myriad dishes recommended in your last thread)
3) Assign yourself 4 hourse EVERY day, to either searching for jobs online, or walking the street handing in resume / filling out applications at business's. This will also help you get out of the house.
4) Stop worrying about what other people think you should look like. If you are really super worried about it, do the SNL "Pat" thing, where your essentially asexual, until you are more comfortable with who you are.
Once you get a job, I can assure you, that you will make at least 1 friend, out of mutual boredom or job training or during a lunch/break.
Really, your feelings and current depression hit most people when they find themselves adrift without a job. People bury themselves in their TV or Books or Computer games or Forums etc.
And I cant guarentee you that it will all go away once you get a job, I know I still feel the same way, but at least I occasionally meet people at work, and that gets me out of the house, and once I'm out of the house, I forget to be me, and just have fun for a while. And I hold onto those fun moments while I trudge through the rest of the days.
Plus, you won't be working alone so you'll have an opportunity to talk to other adults whenever you feel comfortable doing so. Nothing better than commiserating over some asshole kid.
Woah.
Really?
Oboro around kids?
Seriously? O_o
Maybe after some therapy and a concerted effort to become more stable. But, judging from what I have read in this thread she needs to be put in a hospital and given some much needed structure and therapy. From what I've read Oboro doesn't have the ability to help herself. I mean she can't even figure out how to get a haircut for Christ sakes. There is a time for niceness and sympathy and there is a time for just getting down to brass tacks.
Oboro, please get yourself to a hospital and ASK FOR HELP. Even if you have to walk into an emergency room, DO IT. They can get you pointed in the right direction at the very least.