Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!
Poem discussion!
Lilnoobs
Alpha Queue Registered User regular
Alpha Queue Registered User regular
Hey all, long time lurker and first time poster here. My name is Greg, and I write poetry up here in Fairbanks, Alaska. I've recently started working on smaller poems and was wondering if we could get some discussion going on a few of my recent shorts.
I'm fairly new to writing short poems, but I am in a MFA program here in Fairbanks, so it is okay to assume I have previous knowledge with writers/poems if that helps guide any thoughts and comments. Also, the following poems were inspired by Robert Creeley's poetry section "For Love" in his collected anthology. Love is a very dangerous topic of poetry, and with that in mind, please tell me if any of this comes off as too [insert cliche].
We are Criminals
Loving, another over one
as if by formula, and
scenes.
It's not that
I never loved you,
It's that
we know a hundred years
is still
not enough for one.
On the Obvious
Love is miserable
here, in circles, and
here love is miserable
weather forecasting
windows, and here
love is symbol,
and, circle in,
death.
Son
Mom,
Okay,
I'll wear my hat
next time, and
I remember the phone,
ten minutes later,
I need to hang up.
It is enough for me, then,
I'm sorry,
I forgot my hat again.
On Failure
Don't expect
I love you,
me.
because I leave,
you.
you will always leave,
You.
I'm fairly new to writing short poems, but I am in a MFA program here in Fairbanks, so it is okay to assume I have previous knowledge with writers/poems if that helps guide any thoughts and comments. Also, the following poems were inspired by Robert Creeley's poetry section "For Love" in his collected anthology. Love is a very dangerous topic of poetry, and with that in mind, please tell me if any of this comes off as too [insert cliche].
We are Criminals
Loving, another over one
as if by formula, and
scenes.
It's not that
I never loved you,
It's that
we know a hundred years
is still
not enough for one.
On the Obvious
Love is miserable
here, in circles, and
here love is miserable
weather forecasting
windows, and here
love is symbol,
and, circle in,
death.
Son
Mom,
Okay,
I'll wear my hat
next time, and
I remember the phone,
ten minutes later,
I need to hang up.
It is enough for me, then,
I'm sorry,
I forgot my hat again.
On Failure
Don't expect
I love you,
me.
because I leave,
you.
you will always leave,
You.
Lilnoobs on
Posts
We Are Criminals: don't like the title. Maybe just "Criminal'? Also, the "we" in the 3rd stanza sounds a bit presumptuous.
On the Obvious: I'm not feeling the "circle" parts - "in circles" and "and, circle in,/ death." I like the "here love is miserable/ weather forecasting" part, but "windows" is only okay and could be a stronger noun.
Son: Best of the bunch. Sounds almost too Creeley though, if that's a problem for you.
On Failure: the commas are awkward - as is the dangling pronouns, but I'd be more okay with it if you just removed the commas and left it otherwise as it is.
Yeah, "On the Obvious" starts to fade for me as well once it enters that 2nd stanza. Right now I'm trying to contemplate what is needed for it to continue. I've thought about ending it at weather forecasting, but that leaves the circles and weather forecasting as items the reader must connect, and I'm not feeling that connection. Maybe the circle thing needs to be played around with to get back into the revision of this piece.
For "On Failure" with the punctuation I was going for a psuedo-letter ending type deal. You know how letters end in
Sincerely,
[insert name]
but it doesn't really come across like that.
Great comments overall. Thank you =)
gotta head to class, will talk later.
Ciao