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The White Widow: A short piece of fantasy.

zenpotatozenpotato Registered User regular
I was just salvaging through some stuff on the hard drive of my own computer when I ran across this short story I wrote for a contest at a Warhammer dwarf site. I suppose it could technically be considered fanfic, but since it uses only pretty typical fantasy tropes I think it escapes that label. If my use of fantasy involving a Holy Roman Empire knock-off, green skinned orcs and goblins, and grim stout dwarfs qualifies as fanfic, I'll gladly take it down.

I think I've grown a lot as a writer since this was written, but I never had it critiqued and all in all I don't hate it. I recall writing it fast (an hour or two at most) and not giving it much editing time. I went through just now and touched up quite a few horrible sentences, the kind where I can read tell where I changed thought midstream and never updated the grammar to make it a complete cogent thought.

Anyways, if you have a minute, I'd love a critique (with a suggested focus on atmosphere and setting, as those are two areas of my writing I'm trying to actively improve). Thanks. :)


The White Widow
Spoiler:

zenpotato on

Posts

  • snapsnap Registered User regular
    As far as atmosphere goes, there is hardly any. The pub has musicians and warriors, singing and laughing, and stories being told. That's it. Is it a fancy well-kept place? Or is it a stone floored rowdy bar where a fight might break out two or three times a night? Who knows? Is the air filled with smoke from the countless pipes that are being smoked?

    You have to describe it, or imply it, or something.

    As far as the story goes: there is nothing to make me care about the stories they are telling. The most interesting thing in the story is the fact that they just returned from battle--but you barely talk about that.

    It is well written though--as far as language goes. Not spectacular, but not bad either.

  • zenpotatozenpotato Registered User regular
    Thanks, both for the critique and the complement. :)

  • takyristakyris Registered User
    Ditto snap. This is two different stories joined together. I just became interested in the present-day group when we snapped back to the old legend. Neither of these on its own is enough to make me care about either, and they don't connect in a meaningful way. This feels like flavor text for an RPG -- the side-box that'd be used to introduce the White Widow Prestige Class. That's not a bad thing, but it doesn't feel like a story.

    Dox the PI wrote:
    takyris, Greek God of blowing shit up.
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