Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!
Hey you! Come critique me.
solsovly
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been out of college for about 2 years now. The extent of my writing in the last 4 years or so has been excel spreadsheets consists of instant messanger and forum posts. I've noticed that I make a ton of grammatical errors and I have little to (edit: no flow, see what i mean, when LOL and wtf make up a big portion of your vocab, your language skills suffer like mine:( end edit) flow as I tried to write for the first time since then. I was never a great writer by any means and I don't have any aspirations to write except to kill time and mostly for myself. With that said, I'd still like to improve my writing so go ahead and be brutally honest.
This story I did at my desk at work during some down time.
My eyes dropped down to my hands. The blood was still wet, still warm on my fingers. Instinctively I closed them to avoid looking at the blood. My heart began beating faster and faster like a possessed metronome. Oxygen began to escape me as my gasps for breath became harder and more desperate. As the darkness threatened to envelope my consciousness I let out a hopeless whimper for help.
“What’s up?†replied a voice over the wall.
My back slumped back as I heard faint movement behind me. My eyes squinted as a figure approached. A flash of light forced my pupils to dilate. Shelly’s long blonde hair fell past her shoulders as she craned over me. Even in this situation my eyes struggled to climb past the curves in her shirt, they only lingered briefly as I forced my head back to meet her brown eyes. I opened my hands as my eyes hid behind their lids in shame.
“Good god, did you get another paper cut?†she asked chagrined. “You know, you might be the most melodramatic hemophobiac I’ve ever met and turn on your desk light once in a while†she mumbled as she leaned over me to flip on my desk light. “Hold on†she said while going back to her cubicle. She quickly returned to my desk and I watched with one open eye as she smoothed the adhesive strip.
“Thanks†I replied, letting out a sigh of relief. “The light keeps me awake†I said as I stood up and stretched. “What would I do without you, my heroine?†I asked.
“Probably stain your shirt and pass out asleep on your desk. Well, you still sleep on your desk. So really, just stain your shirt†She quipped, not even bothering to hide her smirk. “Wanna grab some lunch with me? It’s almost noon now.†She asked before I could think of response to her remark.
“I’m not sure if I can drive with this vicious wound on my hand†I said smirking back at her. She sauntered over to me and cupped my hand with hers. She lifted my hands up past my shoulders, just at her eye level. I gave her an inquisitive look as she examined my hands. “OW OW OW OK OK OK OK I’ll drive†I yelped as she pressed her finger into the band-aid. She smiled innocently as I grabbed my heavy black coat off and fiddled with the buttons as she came back with her cappuccino colored coat already on. We checked on a couple of our friends but they must have already left. As we walked out I made a quick stop in the human resources office.
The human resource department had this ambience of busyness. Not that it meant they did any work, but they looked very self important and always bustling with work. It was a skill I wished I could master. The door clicked softly behind me as I walked over to the counter as apparent as I could, hoping the receptionist would notice me. She didn’t. I folded my elbows hoping the noise would cause her to look up. It didn’t. I glanced at her name tag that read plainly in big red letters “BETTY†in all capital letters. I coughed and put on my best smile as she looked up. “Hi Betty, could you pull my file for me? Last name is Yams, First name Pyse, That’s P-Y-S-Eâ€. I said as pleasantly as I could muster.
“Yams… Pissy†She repeated.
“No, Yams, Pyse, P-Y-S-E†I said slowly. I ground my teeth, “Yams Pissy†indeed. It’s not a complicated name, its one syllable for god sakes. I’ve gone through twenty four years of my life with this problem, what is so damn hard about Pyse I thought. She looked up confused again. Now Betty is the type of person that could talk in excruciating detail about a twenty minute talk show for fifty minutes, but not the type to be able to remember a single syllable. I took a breath and repeated P-Y-S-E for her.
“Ok, it will be delivered in three to five business days†she chirped with her shrill voice.
“Thanks†I said half heartedly as I walked back out to meet Shirley.
Shirley’s hands were already on her hips as she tapped her foot impatiently. “What did you need in there?†she asked as we started walking outside.
“I just needed to file a report against you†I said. That response earned me an elbow to the ribs. “Did you see that? This is exactly what I’m talking about†I yelled towards the office. Her face turned red as the people around us turned to look. She blushed as she raised her chin and marched past me towards the parking lot.
Sooo uh tell me what you think. Too boring, do I use "I" too much? I need some constructive feedback.
I didn't really have any story or objective in my mind when I wrote this. Just wrote whatever came into my head.
edited: title in hopes of some views and replies;p
This story I did at my desk at work during some down time.
My eyes dropped down to my hands. The blood was still wet, still warm on my fingers. Instinctively I closed them to avoid looking at the blood. My heart began beating faster and faster like a possessed metronome. Oxygen began to escape me as my gasps for breath became harder and more desperate. As the darkness threatened to envelope my consciousness I let out a hopeless whimper for help.
“What’s up?†replied a voice over the wall.
My back slumped back as I heard faint movement behind me. My eyes squinted as a figure approached. A flash of light forced my pupils to dilate. Shelly’s long blonde hair fell past her shoulders as she craned over me. Even in this situation my eyes struggled to climb past the curves in her shirt, they only lingered briefly as I forced my head back to meet her brown eyes. I opened my hands as my eyes hid behind their lids in shame.
“Good god, did you get another paper cut?†she asked chagrined. “You know, you might be the most melodramatic hemophobiac I’ve ever met and turn on your desk light once in a while†she mumbled as she leaned over me to flip on my desk light. “Hold on†she said while going back to her cubicle. She quickly returned to my desk and I watched with one open eye as she smoothed the adhesive strip.
“Thanks†I replied, letting out a sigh of relief. “The light keeps me awake†I said as I stood up and stretched. “What would I do without you, my heroine?†I asked.
“Probably stain your shirt and pass out asleep on your desk. Well, you still sleep on your desk. So really, just stain your shirt†She quipped, not even bothering to hide her smirk. “Wanna grab some lunch with me? It’s almost noon now.†She asked before I could think of response to her remark.
“I’m not sure if I can drive with this vicious wound on my hand†I said smirking back at her. She sauntered over to me and cupped my hand with hers. She lifted my hands up past my shoulders, just at her eye level. I gave her an inquisitive look as she examined my hands. “OW OW OW OK OK OK OK I’ll drive†I yelped as she pressed her finger into the band-aid. She smiled innocently as I grabbed my heavy black coat off and fiddled with the buttons as she came back with her cappuccino colored coat already on. We checked on a couple of our friends but they must have already left. As we walked out I made a quick stop in the human resources office.
The human resource department had this ambience of busyness. Not that it meant they did any work, but they looked very self important and always bustling with work. It was a skill I wished I could master. The door clicked softly behind me as I walked over to the counter as apparent as I could, hoping the receptionist would notice me. She didn’t. I folded my elbows hoping the noise would cause her to look up. It didn’t. I glanced at her name tag that read plainly in big red letters “BETTY†in all capital letters. I coughed and put on my best smile as she looked up. “Hi Betty, could you pull my file for me? Last name is Yams, First name Pyse, That’s P-Y-S-Eâ€. I said as pleasantly as I could muster.
“Yams… Pissy†She repeated.
“No, Yams, Pyse, P-Y-S-E†I said slowly. I ground my teeth, “Yams Pissy†indeed. It’s not a complicated name, its one syllable for god sakes. I’ve gone through twenty four years of my life with this problem, what is so damn hard about Pyse I thought. She looked up confused again. Now Betty is the type of person that could talk in excruciating detail about a twenty minute talk show for fifty minutes, but not the type to be able to remember a single syllable. I took a breath and repeated P-Y-S-E for her.
“Ok, it will be delivered in three to five business days†she chirped with her shrill voice.
“Thanks†I said half heartedly as I walked back out to meet Shirley.
Shirley’s hands were already on her hips as she tapped her foot impatiently. “What did you need in there?†she asked as we started walking outside.
“I just needed to file a report against you†I said. That response earned me an elbow to the ribs. “Did you see that? This is exactly what I’m talking about†I yelled towards the office. Her face turned red as the people around us turned to look. She blushed as she raised her chin and marched past me towards the parking lot.
Sooo uh tell me what you think. Too boring, do I use "I" too much? I need some constructive feedback.
I didn't really have any story or objective in my mind when I wrote this. Just wrote whatever came into my head.
edited: title in hopes of some views and replies;p
solsovly on
XBOX Live Tag: Solsovly
Posts
Hemophiliac.
Hemophiliac is someone who doesn't stop bleeding right? I know hemophobia is fear of blood, I couldn't find in dictionary.com hemophobiac, but what is the proper word for it? That's what I get for using medical words
edit: 99 views and not a single good or bad or for the love of god go back to G&T?
Got a little annoyed at the many punctuations where you could've just gone with a comma and an "and" to meld the sentances together in one or two places.
But I don't really consider myself at the level where I should even be saying things like that.
I liked it.
DouglasDanger - You don't sound like a jerk at all. It was a beginning, I may try writing more descriptions of characters, for now I want to try different scenes/characters everyday so I will get used to introducing new characters quickly.
My main reading as of the last couple years has been fantasy, especially David Gammel and Robert Jordan (though I'm getting pissed off at Jordan). Whenever I try to think of fantasy scenes, I can't seem to picture anything unique in my mind. Thanks for the input everyone, I'll keep trying.