Phoenix Epoch 01 superoughs! (revised dialouge)

Fletcher

Oh crud, also I forgot to say that Locust is the best thing I think I've ever read and the changes to the art style toward the last bits of part 4 couldn't have been better in my opinion.

Thanks to that I'll be following your work (eerily closely) from now on!

McGibs

^^^^^^
UPDATED WITH REVISED DIALOUGE! (now with 200% more crazy)

Sorry it took so long, I've got a wicked cold (which might add to the wierdness in the writing)
I was playing around with the text with various sizes. dunno if i'll keep it or not.

desperaterobots

Awesome revisions. But the writing gets weaker at page 7; mostly its in the the exposition that we are smart enough to figure out on our own.

Spoiling this because I dont want everyone to think I'm a windbag.

Spoiler:

'I can't tell the difference between night and day'. Self evident.
'No sun, no moon, no stars, no clouds'. Self evident.

'No sun made all the plants dead, stopped making the air. Because that's what they do... did, right? yeah. Not that having air would have helped anybody anyway, no no.' Self evident and feels contrived to provide an excuse to exposit about what happened. I think it would be much stronger if you spread the 'radiation, virus bombs, chemical clouds, metal into mud' dialogue over the preceding panels and quit with the Photosynthesis lesson. Everyone knows the nuclear winter scenario; it's the viral/chemical bomb stuff which is interesting and new.

'There isn't even weeny bacteria to decompose you.' Probably not quite as self-evident but thinking about it leads you to that conclusion. Even then, I'm not sure it's critical to know it. And it really detracts from the line 'That's how dead this rock is.' Which I feel is a great, strong, dramatic statement. Give it the breathing room it needs.

Page 11, I'd consider relating some more dialogue it to Jim so that he's not a complete abberation and appears to be more a part of Spaceman's life. ie 'i thought jim was talking to me once, etc'.

Page 12; I dont think introducing a gieger counter is really important (unless it comes to play in the story later, its introducing a new element too late and serves only to show the audience that the world is full of radiation which is already a known quantity. Yeah, it shows he's moving to a place where there isn't any radiation, but I would think that would be self evident by the OMG LIFE part).

'Oxygen?' If the arm-screen says Oxygen, let the audience see that and let the character react instead -- 'What the hell?!' or whatever.

This thing is awesome and I think the above changes would tighten it up dramatically (in both senses of the word). Also think the text size changes work really well.

Stupid Mr Whoopsie Name

I like the updated crazy-talk! Given the new scenario, the only two suggestions *I* would, er, suggest, is to A) give him a spot of dialogue that gets repeated twice (not immediately right after itself) in an effort to subtly show B) that he's mostly talking--albeit to himself--so that he doesn't for get how to talk.

Spoiler:

"Blah blah blah, fact stated, blah blah"

"Blah blah, unintentionally repeated fact, blah blah, talking is good. It keeps me sharp--keeps me from forgetting how to... Not that I'll ever have someone else to talk to again. Not like Jim. Jim? He's my friend. I think he's around here... I think he's around a lot of heres..."

The first few pages start out barking mad but he gradually retains cognizances. Which isn't necessarily bad only if you decide to push his insanities rolling in waves, otherwise what I suggested above would help the reader understand a little better what a man in his position would need to do.

Just an idea for dialogue that retains the crazy of being alone for 10 years, but tries to point out (in as few lines as possible) how he'd keep his mind mostly on the straight and narrow. I really love the concept of someone stuck in a space-suit for 10 years.

anable

I like the overall idea of terraforming earth. A nice twist.

Kochikens

Before, I felt like he was a guy who I could feel for. Like, I wanted to see him get better and go be happy and be an awesome main character.

And even though the craziness of the dialogue makes it way more fun to read... now I feel like he's an animal who needs to be put of his misery or something, like if he ever tried to function in anything other than the pattern he's grown accustomed to he'd become screwed. I can't really relate to him as much, it's like watching a hamster gone mad in it's cage. Like he wouldn't be able to interact well with other life forms and they'd treat him like.. well like a crazy idiot and lock him up in a mad house.

I really like it though. I'm just not sure that I prefer his dialogue to be sane and relate-able or more interesting to read.

McGibs

eh, there will be plenty of other relatable storylines later on. Ones with more then one character.

Mykonos

rearranging the final panals was dynamite. GJ.

The crazy talk makes for a far more entertaining read, although I would suggest some refinement and what.

Other than that, good work.

Mustang

I really like it though. I'm just not sure that I prefer his dialogue to be sane and relate-able or more interesting to read.

Yeah I was kinda thinking that myself, just how far can you develop a charachter who's off the plantation? I suppiose he could get better though. I'm absolutely facinated to see where you are going to take this. Definately by far the most exciting thing I've seen on PA:AC so far, I can't wait to see the final draft with the finished art.

McGibs

you guys are forgotting how this series is going to work.

You wont ever see this guy again. Single issue storylines means that... its only one issue.
Next issue will have something compleatly different.

117Lei

Somewhere along the time line, there should be alike a statue to him or something commemorating him as some sort of heroic savior. Something really over the top and not close to reality at all, lol.