Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

This Island Paradise is a Shit Hole

DE?ADDE?AD Registered User regular
edited May 2008 in Social Entropy++
This is Kauai, known as "the garden island."
Kauai_from_space_oriented.jpg

You've probably seen it in movies like Jurassic Park, or Blue Hawaii. What you may not know, is that it is a shit hole.

On_the_Na_Pali_coast_trail%2C_kauai.png

A hole of shit.

You may be under the impression that Kauai is a quaint, largely unpopulated island covered in lush tropical vegetation, breath-taking waterfalls, and gorgeous vistas. This is entirely true. What it fails to note, however, is that the other 20% of the island, the 20% of the island that is actually inhabited is covered in slack-jawed yokels the likes of which rarely seen outside of the deep south. In fact, to imagine what it's like to live here, you only need picture yourself living in a small town in Alabama where everyone is constantly high.

There are four radio stations on Kauai, five on a good day. Three of them play "Island Music." Island music, running right along with our southern analog, is very similar to country music, in that it is such a specific, repetitive genre that every song is essentially a remix of the one before it. unlike the archetypal moaning country tale-of-woe, however, all Island music is about just how great it is to live on an island, and how much better the islanders are for having lived there. There are five essential words that must be included in every song; Style, Island, Beach, Baby, Hawaii, and Girl/Boy. Bonus points if you can manage to make some reference to a tropical fruit, or local snack.
At some point in the mid-nineties, it was apparently decided that every song produced must also have a generic "Jamaican Rap" segment. Those bands too poor to import Jamaicans have taken to having one of their friends sing while pretending to have be Jamaican. As idiotic as this trend is, it still marks the only innovation sense That One Guy Who Did That Cover of Over the Rainbow died in what was apparently an unsuccessful attempt at becoming the twentieth Hawaiian Island.

Backing these insipid vocals is the ukulele. I've yet to find it, but judging by the "variety" of local music, I'm almost certain that every ukulele comes with a built in Casio-Keyboard-esque, factory-standard riffs. My best guess is that it is hidden somewhere near the syringe that automatically injects the user with horse-sedative.

If you miss a song on the radio, don't worry, they'll play it again. In fact, there are only about twenty songs they ever play on the radio. Let's look at some of the lyrics to one favorite...
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story

Fantastic.

Which brings me to the next topic of my vitriol - the local language.

People on Kauai speak a variation of English everyone simply calls Pidgin. This is a variation on English in the same way that a miscarriage is a variation on birth. What they speak here is not a language in the truest sense of the word - the baying of wolves carries more meaningful information. This is a place where the sate catch-phrase "da kine" is plastered on backpacks, bumper-stickers, TV shows and radio stations. The inability to communicate clearly has become a sort of badge of honor here - on Kauai, like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, celebrates its own stupidity.
In addition to the mangling normal English, the locals, much like the attendees of your local anime convention, also like to sprinkle their speech with words from other languages just to really drive home their status as an island native. If you haven't said you're "pau" with your work, or offered up a "hala" when someone does something wrong, you're probably a "haole." Now, there is an argument to be made that this random word use is in fact an adaption to aid the community - you see, as Kauai is entirely based on tourism, it's beneficial for the economy if everyone who lives on the island really hams up the local act. Because when people come to Hawaii, they want as much Hawaii as they can possibly get, damnit.

Want to impress your friends? Just pretend you know Hawaiian! It's simple, just say the following syllables: Ha, Ka, Ke, Ki, La, Li, Lu, Wai, Me, and A.

Got it? Good! Now you can speak Hawaiian. Just mix 'em around for variety. No one will know, because Hawaiian is a dead language. (Unless, of course, you're in an airport in Hawaii, in which case it's all you'll hear blaring at you over the sound system like someone strangling an asthmatic yodeling cat). Practice enough, and you'll even be comfortable enough to improvise and make up words like Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, Hawaii's state fish.


But, DE?AD, you ask, what about the beautiful Polynesian girls? What about the wahine?

Oh, Kauai's got wahine. I hope you like 'em fat, dumb, and ugly, because, you see, much like previously mention small town in Alabama, Kauai doesn't exactly have a diverse breeding pool. Local culture holds it as polite to refer to your non-related elders as "auntie" or "uncle," and "cuz" and "bra" are both commonly used as standardized nicknames. However, the truth of the matter is that, more likely than not, there is a biological truth behind these phrases. Oh, and if they're over fifteen, chances are they're pregnant, so good luck with that.

In fact, most of Kauai matches up fairly well with the stereotypical "South," provided that said "South" is totally tripping balls. In brief:

Banjo - Ukulele
Radio Only Plays Country - Radio Only Plays Island Music
Hush Puppies - Spam Musubi
Heavy Southern Drawl - Nonsensical Pidgin
Everyone Drives Pick-Up Trucks - Everyone Drives Pick-Up Trucks
Deer Huntin' - Boar Huntin'
Overalls - Swim Trunks
Southern Flag Decals - Traditional, Mass-Produced Native Art Decals


It's all there, man.

In closing, I would like to say only this - I blame the plantations. Somehow, by some means I've yet to fully grasp, plantations destroy culture.

Thank you, and good night.

Alternative Topics of Discussion
[Horrible Music]
[Horrible Places You've Lived]
[The Cultural Celebration of Stupidity]
[Terrible Accents]
[States That Should Probably Just Be Erased]
[Video Games]
[Balls]

DE?AD on
«134567

Posts

  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited May 2008
    Jurassic Park was a great movie.

  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Casper wrote: »
    Jurassic Park was a great movie.

    fuck yes it was

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
  • trentsteeltrentsteel Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    The essential conceit of living on a paradise island is that, although you have nothing to do in a very beautiful place but drink and get high and chase women...the rest of the world is going to hell and you are a completely useless human being.

    http://www.botsnthings.com/
    I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!

  • BearstranautBearstranaut Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Hawaii is shit.

    Mexico is shit.

    Jamaica is shit.

    The sun is shit.

    You ever try and draw Falcor as a giant dong? No? It just ends up looking like a long cyclops.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • ZephyrZephyr Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Kuwa wrote: »
    are there actually dinosaurs on that island

    there's dinosaurs on every island

    even yours

    16kakxt.jpg
  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited May 2008
    Casper wrote: »
    Jurassic Park was a great movie.

    fuck yes it was

    I saw it in middle school during a science class, that teacher was awsome. To bad he got in trouble for showing a PG-13 movie to a bunch of 11-12 year olds.

  • BearstranautBearstranaut Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Kuwa wrote: »
    are there actually dinosaurs on that island

    there's dinosaurs on every island

    even yours

    dinosaur.jpg

    You ever try and draw Falcor as a giant dong? No? It just ends up looking like a long cyclops.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    it is good to know no matter where you are

    there are terrible people

  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited May 2008
    trentsteel wrote: »
    The essential conceit of living on a paradise island is that, although you have nothing to do in a very beautiful place but drink and get high and chase women...the rest of the world is going to hell and you are a completely useless human being.

    I think I would kill to be on that island right now. I think me and DE?AD should switch places, hell he can even keep my pay check.

  • trentsteeltrentsteel Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I got a friend---hell, even I used to think it--that thought if you could make enough money to retire early to some island and just smoke weed and lie on the beach all day you had truly WON LIFE.

    http://www.botsnthings.com/
    I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!

  • KuwaKuwa Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Kuwa wrote: »
    are there actually dinosaurs on that island

    there's dinosaurs on every island

    even yours

    ruh roh

  • trentsteeltrentsteel Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Casper wrote: »
    trentsteel wrote: »
    The essential conceit of living on a paradise island is that, although you have nothing to do in a very beautiful place but drink and get high and chase women...the rest of the world is going to hell and you are a completely useless human being.

    I think I would kill to be on that island right now. I think me and DE?AD should switch places, hell he can even keep my pay check.

    A vacation? Yes...hell, even a month...but after that wouldn't you just feel fucking useless and purposeless?

    http://www.botsnthings.com/
    I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!

  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    move to a gigantic city, they're awesome

    mandresig_zps30545639.jpg
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited May 2008
    trentsteel wrote: »
    I got a friend---hell, even I used to think it--that thought if you could make enough money to retire early to some island and just smoke weed and lie on the beach all day you had truly WON LIFE.

    Now if you through in a beautiful girl into that equation you must be pretty close.

  • TheRealBadgerTheRealBadger Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Kuwa wrote: »
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Kuwa wrote: »
    are there actually dinosaurs on that island

    there's dinosaurs on every island

    even yours

    ruh roh

    especially yours

  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

  • CasperCasper __BANNED USERS
    edited May 2008
    trentsteel wrote: »
    Casper wrote: »
    trentsteel wrote: »
    The essential conceit of living on a paradise island is that, although you have nothing to do in a very beautiful place but drink and get high and chase women...the rest of the world is going to hell and you are a completely useless human being.

    I think I would kill to be on that island right now. I think me and DE?AD should switch places, hell he can even keep my pay check.

    A vacation? Yes...hell, even a month...but after that wouldn't you just feel fucking useless and purposeless?

    You are probably right, I really want to just live a simple life sometimes. Even if only for a little bit, no moving around, no mission that has to be completed ASAP. Just to sit and do nothing. In the end I would probaly get really restless and bored but I would love to see how long it would take.

  • DE?ADDE?AD Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Pony wrote: »
    it is good to know no matter where you are

    there are terrible people

    I think it's a good message.
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    Guilty as charged.

  • KuwaKuwa Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Kuwa wrote: »
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Kuwa wrote: »
    are there actually dinosaurs on that island

    there's dinosaurs on every island

    even yours

    ruh roh

    especially yours

    time to study jurassic park for the eventual dinosaur uprising

    those xkcd comics are now more appropriate than ever!

  • NotASenatorNotASenator Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    abloo abloo abloo

  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line

    yes, i win

  • ZephyrZephyr Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old

    16kakxt.jpg
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    i called my boyfriend clever girl the other day and he stopped and stared at me and asked if i had just insinuated he was a raptor.

    yess.

  • trentsteeltrentsteel Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Casper wrote: »
    trentsteel wrote: »
    I got a friend---hell, even I used to think it--that thought if you could make enough money to retire early to some island and just smoke weed and lie on the beach all day you had truly WON LIFE.

    Now if you through in a beautiful girl into that equation you must be pretty close.

    HMmm...well yes but still you would be rendered useless.

    http://www.botsnthings.com/
    I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!

  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old


    i dont think i like the cut of your jib

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old


    i dont think i like the cut of your jib

    he got no moxie.

  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    i called my boyfriend clever girl the other day and he stopped and stared at me and asked if i had just insinuated he was a raptor.

    yess.

    then he bit your face off

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
  • BearstranautBearstranaut Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old


    i dont think i like the cut of your jib


    khoolever girl

    You ever try and draw Falcor as a giant dong? No? It just ends up looking like a long cyclops.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old


    i dont think i like the cut of your jib


    khoolever girl

    boooo

    get off the stage

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
  • TheidarTheidar Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old


    i dont think i like the cut of your jib

    he got no moxie.

    Chutzpah is such a better term than moxie.

    Gamertag: Theidar
    Wii Friend Code: 0072 4984 2399 2126
    PSN ID : Theidar
    Facebook
    Behold the annhilation of the extraterrestrial and the rise of the machines.
    Hail Satan!
    WISHLIST
  • BearstranautBearstranaut Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Zephyr wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    Belruel wrote: »
    holy shit you have a hell of a chip on your shoulder

    more like a cinder block

    clever girl.

    i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line


    i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much

    like the "cut of your jib"

    shit these are so old


    i dont think i like the cut of your jib


    khoolever girl

    boooo

    get off the stage


    my career!

    You ever try and draw Falcor as a giant dong? No? It just ends up looking like a long cyclops.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Peter EbelPeter Ebel Deus Vult! OsloRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I'm gonna cut your jib till I like it.

    Fuck off and die.
  • Big Red TieBig Red Tie the way you look should be a sinRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    you stupid fag

    you're supposed to go to oahu

    3926 4292 8829
  • BelruelBelruel naw Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Peter Ebel wrote: »
    I'm gonna cut your jib till I like it.

    like a kid cutting a heart out of a piece of construction paper.

  • BearstranautBearstranaut Registered User
    edited May 2008
    Belruel wrote: »
    Peter Ebel wrote: »
    I'm gonna cut your jib till I like it.

    like a kid cutting a heart out of a piece of construction paper.

    when presented to his mother, she sighs and crumples it up very slowly, while shaking her head in a displeased fashion.

    You ever try and draw Falcor as a giant dong? No? It just ends up looking like a long cyclops.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • The Otaku SuppositoryThe Otaku Suppository PAHK YAH CAH IN DAH YAHD SouthieRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    hekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainehekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainehekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainehekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainehekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainehekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainehekaliwaikehulihakiwailulihumuhunakulakipuannakehululikekahehakewainekekaleliwa

    Your fuckin' family's dug into the Southie projects like ticks. You, however, grew up on the North Shore, huh? Well, la-di-fuckin'-da. You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? Huh? One kid with your old man, one kid with your mother. You're upper-middle class during the weeks, then you're droppin' your "R"s and you're hangin' in the big, bad Southie projects with your daddy on the weekends. I got that right?
  • J3pJ3p Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    a single tear runs down the child's face

    +./\ 50 ?. 50
«134567
Sign In or Register to comment.