She left a facebook post on my wall, and called me this morning, both messages basically to the effect of "Hey, I didn't cheat on you! Tons of guys tried to hook up with me but I turned them all down! Aren't you proud?"
I, personally, drink very rarely, so I can't really understand the alcohol culture amongst kids my age (I'm 21, in school still). As a result, I apparently frequently overreact to things that are 'normal' at frat parties etc. When I hear stories about how some guy tried to rape a girl by pouring booze down her throat, but failed, that is deeply disturbing. But my girlfriend and her friends just brush it off as par the course.
Am I being ridiculous? All I know is that her going out, getting trashed, and clubbing makes me feel like shit.
No you aren't being ridiculous. The messages and going to frat parties are bad signs. I would tell her how you feel, but expect the worse.
Maybe its my own experiences, but it appears that you two are going down different paths. There is nothing wrong going out and partying. The drinking thing is a bad sign, but that is something she needs to work out. But since you don't do that, and she likes to do that without you....
My advice is to break up and go out with someone that doesnt drink all the time. If seen (and been a part of) too many relationships that have gone on too long. Most people don't know when they need to end a relationship. Or they dont want to b/c they are afraid of being alone.
I suppose I have some perspective as it's been over ten years since I was in your situation, and I was in that situation repeatedly, so here's my advice:
There is no situation. There is no issue. It's in your head, and the sooner you get out of that mindset the better. You're in danger of letting your own insecurities (and preconceived ideas about how a girlfriend "should" behave) destroy your relationship. She sounds like a perfectly normal college kid. You're the one who needs to make a decision here, which is to either man up and deal with it or else find a more manageable girlfriend.
I mean, you can mention - and I suggest you mention it in a casual, half-joking manner - that the idea of her going to clubs without you makes you jealous. But at least be honest about it. For the love of God don't approach her with this condescending "I'm worried about your drinking" bullshit.
Skipped page two, but here goes. If you are feeling insecure or whatever about the relationship, it isn't going to work and you should probably save yourself the heartache and cash in on your terms, now.
Why? Well all summer she is going to be there, doing her party thing with those party guys. You're going to be aware of this. You're going to be jealous. If you talk to her about it, chances are she will resent your distrust a little bit, even if it is warranted.
My opinion? Be friends for the summer. Let her do what she wants. When she comes back, if she wants, start up a relationship again. It's not like you guys are married.
I wrote this just after getting off the phone with her and I was freaking out a little bit. I ran some errands and went to the gym and thought the whole thing over a lot, and I realized that it's mostly in my head, and just a reflection of some of my own insecurities.
I talked to her about it, I told her that I trust her (and I do), and that I was just worried about her. But she knows what she's doing and can take care of herself. I did say that while it doesn't make me angry, it does make me a little bit jealous, knowing there are guys there trying to grope her. She jokingly replied that she wants me to be a little jealous.
As far as the alcohol thing... I realized it mostly bothers me when I'm not around, so that's probably a red herring for other issues. The 10 am thing was a little unnerving but that was just for these two days when I was at work and she was in my apartment and all our friends had cleared out since school had ended.
I still have my reservations about the booze, but she knows that. I don't think it's too serious a problem for the time being, though. She's a college student in NYC, she's got a right to party, and I'm glad she's having fun. Fact is, I'm not a huge partier, and I'm loving my job and class right now. We're both happy, and I'm not going to fuck it up.
The advice in this thread has been really great. Or at least entertainingly misogynistic.
Hey man. Listen, I'd get yourself out of the situation completly. I went thru something similiar last and this year with my ex g/f of 5 years. Turns out that those parties she was going to last summer she was hooking up several times with different guys. There is nothing worse than being lied to, and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, it shouldn't be a HIGHLIGHT that she hasn't cheated on you. "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off." At this stage in her life, she wants to "have fun" and "experiement" and when there is distance and the only accountability is YOU...you don't really have that much going for you.
I've come to the conclusion that anyone (especially girls) from 18-30 don't have the slightest idea what the fuck they want from life. I dunno if that has anything to do with the infidelity people so often have, but I can't imagine it helps. Anyway...get out now with a clean cut before you get too involved. Meet new people and remember that you aren't going to change her.
Did you seriously just namedrop a Panic at the Disco song in an attempt to validate your opinion that no one 18-30 is capable of being faithful?
Technically its a quote from the movie "Closer" that PatD took and used as a song title.
I say be more concerned with the drinking, and I do find it odd she'd call you and go "I didn't cheat on you!" but at the same time, I think she was trying to ease any fears you might have had, and just went about it the wrong way.
And many people do know what they want from ages 18-30, some even before that and some not even after that. Its a crap shoot really. This girl obviously wants you, and you obviously want her. Talk to her seriously about your concerns, and try to be less paranoid about cheating unless you're getting hints or something. I hope it works out, I'm an advocate for LDRs so I would love for yours to work out and see the end of the rainbow with you two together. If it doesn't, make another thread...we are here for you.
EDIT: dammit, didn't see the OP's post. Posted too late.
For the record, I've had some drinks with friends really early in the day also, just to fuck around. As long as you don't see that developing into a habit, I wouldn't sweat it too much.
I've had this issue. I talked with my girlfriend about it. I said that if she wants to be wasted every Friday night then maybe she's not the girl for me (pretty much). Since then she has never been drunk or whatever, she realised that I'm more important than drinking and that's probably what you should focus on when talking about this to her.
I've had this issue. I talked with my girlfriend about it. I said that if she wants to be wasted every Friday night then maybe she's not the girl for me (pretty much). Since then she has never been drunk or whatever, she realised that I'm more important than drinking and that's probably what you should focus on when talking about this to her.
Yeah, because presenting people with ultimatums rather than doing some introspection is such a great way to make relationships work.
And God forbid our girlfriends be allowed to have fun without us. What would the world come to if women had a will of their own?
I've had this issue. I talked with my girlfriend about it. I said that if she wants to be wasted every Friday night then maybe she's not the girl for me (pretty much). Since then she has never been drunk or whatever, she realised that I'm more important than drinking and that's probably what you should focus on when talking about this to her.
Yeah, because presenting people with ultimatums rather than doing some introspection is such a great way to make relationships work.
Hey, sometimes you encounter behaviors that you just can't tolerate. "My way or the highway" is occasionally a perfectly legitimate position, especially when it comes to things like drinking and partying. Some people are okay with it, some aren't, and if you're not okay with it, then you need to politely bow out from the relationship so you can find somebody who doesn't get drunk at parties. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Feral on
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
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AegeriTiny wee bacteriumsPlateau of LengRegistered Userregular
I've had this issue. I talked with my girlfriend about it. I said that if she wants to be wasted every Friday night then maybe she's not the girl for me (pretty much). Since then she has never been drunk or whatever, she realised that I'm more important than drinking and that's probably what you should focus on when talking about this to her.
Yeah, because presenting people with ultimatums rather than doing some introspection is such a great way to make relationships work.
Hey, sometimes you encounter behaviors that you just can't tolerate. "My way or the highway" is occasionally a perfectly legitimate position, especially when it comes to things like drinking and partying. Some people are okay with it, some aren't, and if you're not okay with it, then you need to politely bow out from the relationship so you can find somebody who doesn't get drunk at parties. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Actually I have to agree here as well, partly through personal experience as well.
I've had this issue. I talked with my girlfriend about it. I said that if she wants to be wasted every Friday night then maybe she's not the girl for me (pretty much). Since then she has never been drunk or whatever, she realised that I'm more important than drinking and that's probably what you should focus on when talking about this to her.
Yeah, because presenting people with ultimatums rather than doing some introspection is such a great way to make relationships work.
Hey, sometimes you encounter behaviors that you just can't tolerate. "My way or the highway" is occasionally a perfectly legitimate position, especially when it comes to things like drinking and partying. Some people are okay with it, some aren't, and if you're not okay with it, then you need to politely bow out from the relationship so you can find somebody who doesn't get drunk at parties. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Actually I have to agree here as well, partly through personal experience as well.
Thirded. Relationships are a two way street. If you can't handle some behavior or action of your partner, it's right to let them know. But the kicker is that you have to figure out if it's actually a legitimate concern you have.
A good question is: why is she going to clubs and getting wasted in the first place?
This is a good question because the primary reason that people go to clubs and get wasted without their significant others is to pick up random people. If a single-but-attached girl goes to a club and gets drunk, it is unfortunate that she gets groped and approached by guys. It's unfortunate, but it shouldn't be unexpected.
Now if she's never been to a club before, maybe we can pass off this one incident as naivete. However, if she's going regularly, you have to wonder what her motivations are for going in the first place. After a while, you have to wonder if she's at least going for the attention she gets. Her 'joking' "I want you to be a little jealous" comments strike me as a little bit ha-ha-only-serious.
A good question is: why is she going to clubs and getting wasted in the first place?
This is a good question because the primary reason that people go to clubs and get wasted without their significant others is to pick up random people. If a single-but-attached girl goes to a club and gets drunk, it is unfortunate that she gets groped and approached by guys. It's unfortunate, but it shouldn't be unexpected.
Now if she's never been to a club before, maybe we can pass off this one incident as naivete. However, if she's going regularly, you have to wonder what her motivations are for going in the first place. After a while, you have to wonder if she's at least going for the attention she gets. Her 'joking' "I want you to be a little jealous" comments strike me as a little bit ha-ha-only-serious.
Going out of a limb here, but she might not consider clubs as some sort of FREE SEX PROGRAMME as you seem to believe.
A good question is: why is she going to clubs and getting wasted in the first place?
This is a good question because the primary reason that people go to clubs and get wasted without their significant others is to pick up random people. If a single-but-attached girl goes to a club and gets drunk, it is unfortunate that she gets groped and approached by guys. It's unfortunate, but it shouldn't be unexpected.
Now if she's never been to a club before, maybe we can pass off this one incident as naivete. However, if she's going regularly, you have to wonder what her motivations are for going in the first place. After a while, you have to wonder if she's at least going for the attention she gets. Her 'joking' "I want you to be a little jealous" comments strike me as a little bit ha-ha-only-serious.
Maybe she likes to drink and dance? I don't know who you hang out with, but people I know go to clubs to drink and dance. They're not meat markets.
Um. Maybe it's just me, but is the real problem not you (Dance Commander) nor her, but the guy? I mean, really it sounds like he was trying to rape her. It might not hold up in a court of law, but if rape is sex without valid consent, and valid consent is undermined by alcohol impairment...
(No, I'm not accusing the guy of attempted rape. I mean, I guess he could have felt responsible for getting her that drunk and that he should have made sure he was okay, but... )
Wait: this girl is willingly going out to bars, clubs, and back to her apartment with this guy who's "tried" to hook up with her before while you are dating? We'll just call him "Sancho." Why is Sancho in NYC with her while you are so far away? And why are you going to be the one doing all the visiting?
All joking aside, Starmanbrand is spot on, and if I was you I'd take his advice exactly - you're too young to be so serious about party girl.
A good question is: why is she going to clubs and getting wasted in the first place?
This is a good question because the primary reason that people go to clubs and get wasted without their significant others is to pick up random people. If a single-but-attached girl goes to a club and gets drunk, it is unfortunate that she gets groped and approached by guys. It's unfortunate, but it shouldn't be unexpected.
Frylock, you and I agree on a lot of things, but that just isn't true. That's a huge generalisation, and does not follow my personal experience at all.
As far as the OP:
1. You've given no reason to expect that this girl is not worth it. I don't agree with the people who say you should just drop her.
2. You being worried about her does not mean you are insecure, and that by being "insecure" this relationship is doomed. I don't agree with those people either.
3. Tube's assessment of people never change ever: not with that one.
4. You've not given a really good reason for me to believe that you are jealous of her new lifestyle either.
So yeah, I think the majority of this thread has been overwhelmingly harsh, and I have to say I was pretty shocked by the opinions of most people here.
You did the right thing with the phone call. You said you're concerned for her, you've shown that you care, and hopefully she will be OK. You can't worry about the other men... that really is a road to ruin. You can have a reasonable amount of concern (by reasonable, I mean probably less than you think ) for her well-being if she is drinking as much as you say, and you aren't exaggerating for effect. If things go pear-shaped, then they go pear-shaped. You keep up your end of the bargain: trust her, support her, welcome her home when she gets there. And you have faith that she keeps hers, and you both have a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Wait: this girl is willingly going out to bars, clubs, and back to her apartment with this guy who's "tried" to hook up with her before while you are dating? We'll just call him "Sancho." Why is Sancho in NYC with her while you are so far away? And why are you going to be the one doing all the visiting?
Why is a girl, who appears to have a problem with drinking much more than she should do, makes the part where Sancho sticks to her so much that a security guard has to get rid of him, make her a "willing" participant to Sancho's advances?
Wait: this girl is willingly going out to bars, clubs, and back to her apartment with this guy who's "tried" to hook up with her before while you are dating? We'll just call him "Sancho." Why is Sancho in NYC with her while you are so far away? And why are you going to be the one doing all the visiting?
Why is a girl, who appears to have a problem with drinking much more than she should do, makes the part where Sancho sticks to her so much that a security guard has to get rid of him, make her a "willing" participant to Sancho's advances?
But yeah... more visiting is always a plus.
I don't actually think it's certain or even likely that Sancho is actually sleeping with her, I was just messing around. If everything she said about what happened is true, he actually seems pretty pathetic. However, she did choose to go out drinking with him and his friends instead of with other people she presumably knows at the internship.
That being said, anything is possible. People surprise you in different ways - this girl could actually be a saint, or she could have been lying and cheating from day one.
Unless he is incredibly perceptive he'll never be able to do better than to just have faith in her, if he really cares about her that much. However, he shouldn't be foolish: don't invest too much of yourself until she's actually proved herself worthy of trust. Like you said, at this point he should stop worrying and have fun!
Except if you read Dance Commander's post this obviously isn't such a situation as that.
Well, no, there's a whole host of issues kind of wrapped up here. If I were DC, I'd be feeling bad that I were stuck in upstate while my girlfriend gets to have fun in NYC. I might be upset at her for giving attention to a guy who's tried to get her drunk to hook up with her. I might be upset that this other douchebag gets to see her more than I do. I might be afraid that she's planning on leaving me and hooking up with douchebag. It's kinda hard to sort all this stuff out for DC; he has to do it himself.
This is an example of why I think that long distance relationships are a terrible idea when you're young. They're all the drama of a relationship and none of the reward. You don't get to see your girlfriend, but you don't get to date other people either, and you get to sit around playing with yourself at home wondering what they're up to.
But, hey, if DC wants to spend his energy on a girl he only sees a couple times a month, that's his prerogative. My first instinct was to post "Either move to NYC or move on," but I'm trying to be helpful here.
Feral on
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
Lots of feelings are irrational, and part of being an adult is reigning those feelings in and trusting the people you believe you can trust, because if you don't have even the most basic trust in people you can't have a terribly meaningful relationship, romantic or otherwise, with those people.
I guess the OP is a bit unclear, because I don't believe for an instant that she would cheat on me. I just felt upset when she told me about her night, and I wasn't exactly sure why, and I posted here without really having taken much time to think it through.
That's not to say that if he has bountiful examples of shady-shit going on he should just stand in the tracks and watch the train come, but man those things are loud, and shit happens around them when they're coming, so you're probably not going to miss it unless you start ignoring actively-shady shit going on.
Drinking at 10am is not a symptom of alcoholism. A chemical dependency on alcohol is alcoholism. My girlfriend did the same thing when she was graduating; she went out with a bunch of her girlfriends in the morning and drank until the wee hours of the night.
The real thing here is to understand that you also have to trust her flock of friends to protect her. If you talk to her about her friends (which most people actually enjoy doing) it'll probably put your mind at ease. Hell, she probably has a funny story about her girlfriends shielding her from another creepy guy. It happens a LOT. That's why girls get the stigma of traveling in groups all the time - it simply works to fend off creeps.
It's expected of you to trust your girlfriend, but if you can trust her friends too then you'll sleep easy at night. The friends are the ones who help her get out of dangerous situations (drinking too much, driving drunk, creepy guys). She's the only one responsible on the infidelity front.
Rye on
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INeedNoSaltwith blood on my teethRegistered Userregular
edited June 2008
Rye I do not think your definition of alcoholism is correct
I guess the OP is a bit unclear, because I don't believe for an instant that she would cheat on me. I just felt upset when she told me about her night, and I wasn't exactly sure why, and I posted here without really having taken much time to think it through.
Fair enough.
VC is right, you're going to have to trust your girlfriend to make her own decisions or else you'll never have a happy relationship. But I also suspect that I'm right, and that there are a number of emotional facets to this situation that you need to sort out. Do some soul-searching or talk it over with a close friend; I think you'd benefit from having a clear idea of why this bothers you before you take it to your girlfriend.
Feral on
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
It would not be so much of a big deal if she wasn't weaving the line of alcoholism.
Starting to drink at 10 am isn't a good sign, let alone everything else she's doing.
If you ask her to cut back on the liquor intake, and she does, great.
If she doesn't, it might be time to cut her off, since she'll probably do other things in spite of you too.
Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
Trillian on
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
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kaliyamaLeft to find less-moderated foraRegistered Userregular
edited June 2008
Nobody here, say t the end of finals or after graduating from a program, has done a 10am-10pm pub crawl?
Nobody here, say t the end of finals or after graduating from a program, has done a 10am-10pm pub crawl?
That has absolutely nothing to do with what the OP said.
No, instead the OP backpedaled and chose to tell us that his girlfriend only drank at 10am out of boredom when she was staying with him and he was busy the whole time. This is not indicative behavior of her personality, it's just an incident that he chose to refer to because it was feeding the beast.
This girl is like every other person - she likes to go out and have fun in her own way. It sounds like there's not a lot more here than just jealousy, and it sounds like the OP has handled it fine. Not over-reacting and proper communication on this is definitely the way to go unless you have any other reason to believe that her drinking is an actual problem and not just "fun with friends on a Friday".
Your girlfriend sounds like an aspiring alcoholic. Binge drinking repeatedly is bad, period. Even if she isn't an addict, drinking like that can push her over the edge and turn her into one easily.
Also If that's her way of having fun and there's nothing you can do about it, then so be it. If you're going to stay with her and tolerate it then that's fine, but it clearly bothers you and if she's not going to cut it out then the very least she can do is not call you up and rub your face in it.
There is also the possibility she's trying to get your jealous. I'm not saying all women do that but some do. I'm not quite sure what they get out of it but it certainly happens. Hell, a girl I'd been friend's with for a long time flat out told me she wanted to see me and her new boyfriend in a knock down drag out fist fight. o_O
Bottom line is that since it seems to bother you so much. then tell her how much it bothers you and to keep it to herself. Problem solved.
EDIT: OK, I missed the part of Dance Commander's other post where she flat out says she was trying to make him jealous. Just tell her cut cut the crap out.
Generally speaking, people like to make other people jealous because they're insecure and want other people to validate them. If I can make you jealous, it proves that I have some worth. If I can't make you jealous, it proves that I don't have that worth.
Also, some people are just dicks and like to see people squirm.
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No you aren't being ridiculous. The messages and going to frat parties are bad signs. I would tell her how you feel, but expect the worse.
Maybe its my own experiences, but it appears that you two are going down different paths. There is nothing wrong going out and partying. The drinking thing is a bad sign, but that is something she needs to work out. But since you don't do that, and she likes to do that without you....
My advice is to break up and go out with someone that doesnt drink all the time. If seen (and been a part of) too many relationships that have gone on too long. Most people don't know when they need to end a relationship. Or they dont want to b/c they are afraid of being alone.
There is no situation. There is no issue. It's in your head, and the sooner you get out of that mindset the better. You're in danger of letting your own insecurities (and preconceived ideas about how a girlfriend "should" behave) destroy your relationship. She sounds like a perfectly normal college kid. You're the one who needs to make a decision here, which is to either man up and deal with it or else find a more manageable girlfriend.
I mean, you can mention - and I suggest you mention it in a casual, half-joking manner - that the idea of her going to clubs without you makes you jealous. But at least be honest about it. For the love of God don't approach her with this condescending "I'm worried about your drinking" bullshit.
Why? Well all summer she is going to be there, doing her party thing with those party guys. You're going to be aware of this. You're going to be jealous. If you talk to her about it, chances are she will resent your distrust a little bit, even if it is warranted.
My opinion? Be friends for the summer. Let her do what she wants. When she comes back, if she wants, start up a relationship again. It's not like you guys are married.
I talked to her about it, I told her that I trust her (and I do), and that I was just worried about her. But she knows what she's doing and can take care of herself. I did say that while it doesn't make me angry, it does make me a little bit jealous, knowing there are guys there trying to grope her. She jokingly replied that she wants me to be a little jealous.
As far as the alcohol thing... I realized it mostly bothers me when I'm not around, so that's probably a red herring for other issues. The 10 am thing was a little unnerving but that was just for these two days when I was at work and she was in my apartment and all our friends had cleared out since school had ended.
I still have my reservations about the booze, but she knows that. I don't think it's too serious a problem for the time being, though. She's a college student in NYC, she's got a right to party, and I'm glad she's having fun. Fact is, I'm not a huge partier, and I'm loving my job and class right now. We're both happy, and I'm not going to fuck it up.
The advice in this thread has been really great. Or at least entertainingly misogynistic.
Technically its a quote from the movie "Closer" that PatD took and used as a song title.
I say be more concerned with the drinking, and I do find it odd she'd call you and go "I didn't cheat on you!" but at the same time, I think she was trying to ease any fears you might have had, and just went about it the wrong way.
And many people do know what they want from ages 18-30, some even before that and some not even after that. Its a crap shoot really. This girl obviously wants you, and you obviously want her. Talk to her seriously about your concerns, and try to be less paranoid about cheating unless you're getting hints or something. I hope it works out, I'm an advocate for LDRs so I would love for yours to work out and see the end of the rainbow with you two together. If it doesn't, make another thread...we are here for you.
EDIT: dammit, didn't see the OP's post. Posted too late.
Yeah, this, as well as the facebook message point me to believe that she's playing games.
It'd piss me off too, but it depends on how much you can trust her. I wonder how she'd like it if you did the same thing.
Don't do that though, it's pretty childish and would make things worse. grr :P it just frustrates me.
Yeah, because presenting people with ultimatums rather than doing some introspection is such a great way to make relationships work.
And God forbid our girlfriends be allowed to have fun without us. What would the world come to if women had a will of their own?
Hey, sometimes you encounter behaviors that you just can't tolerate. "My way or the highway" is occasionally a perfectly legitimate position, especially when it comes to things like drinking and partying. Some people are okay with it, some aren't, and if you're not okay with it, then you need to politely bow out from the relationship so you can find somebody who doesn't get drunk at parties. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Actually I have to agree here as well, partly through personal experience as well.
Thirded. Relationships are a two way street. If you can't handle some behavior or action of your partner, it's right to let them know. But the kicker is that you have to figure out if it's actually a legitimate concern you have.
This is a good question because the primary reason that people go to clubs and get wasted without their significant others is to pick up random people. If a single-but-attached girl goes to a club and gets drunk, it is unfortunate that she gets groped and approached by guys. It's unfortunate, but it shouldn't be unexpected.
Now if she's never been to a club before, maybe we can pass off this one incident as naivete. However, if she's going regularly, you have to wonder what her motivations are for going in the first place. After a while, you have to wonder if she's at least going for the attention she gets. Her 'joking' "I want you to be a little jealous" comments strike me as a little bit ha-ha-only-serious.
Maybe she likes to drink and dance? I don't know who you hang out with, but people I know go to clubs to drink and dance. They're not meat markets.
(No, I'm not accusing the guy of attempted rape. I mean, I guess he could have felt responsible for getting her that drunk and that he should have made sure he was okay, but... )
girls find this emasculate, and will continue to play you, if that's whats going on.
All joking aside, Starmanbrand is spot on, and if I was you I'd take his advice exactly - you're too young to be so serious about party girl.
Frylock, you and I agree on a lot of things, but that just isn't true. That's a huge generalisation, and does not follow my personal experience at all.
As far as the OP:
1. You've given no reason to expect that this girl is not worth it. I don't agree with the people who say you should just drop her.
2. You being worried about her does not mean you are insecure, and that by being "insecure" this relationship is doomed. I don't agree with those people either.
3. Tube's assessment of people never change ever: not with that one.
4. You've not given a really good reason for me to believe that you are jealous of her new lifestyle either.
So yeah, I think the majority of this thread has been overwhelmingly harsh, and I have to say I was pretty shocked by the opinions of most people here.
You did the right thing with the phone call. You said you're concerned for her, you've shown that you care, and hopefully she will be OK. You can't worry about the other men... that really is a road to ruin. You can have a reasonable amount of concern (by reasonable, I mean probably less than you think
Have fun, good luck!
Why is a girl, who appears to have a problem with drinking much more than she should do, makes the part where Sancho sticks to her so much that a security guard has to get rid of him, make her a "willing" participant to Sancho's advances?
But yeah... more visiting is always a plus.
I don't actually think it's certain or even likely that Sancho is actually sleeping with her, I was just messing around. If everything she said about what happened is true, he actually seems pretty pathetic. However, she did choose to go out drinking with him and his friends instead of with other people she presumably knows at the internship.
That being said, anything is possible. People surprise you in different ways - this girl could actually be a saint, or she could have been lying and cheating from day one.
Unless he is incredibly perceptive he'll never be able to do better than to just have faith in her, if he really cares about her that much. However, he shouldn't be foolish: don't invest too much of yourself until she's actually proved herself worthy of trust. Like you said, at this point he should stop worrying and have fun!
Well, no, there's a whole host of issues kind of wrapped up here. If I were DC, I'd be feeling bad that I were stuck in upstate while my girlfriend gets to have fun in NYC. I might be upset at her for giving attention to a guy who's tried to get her drunk to hook up with her. I might be upset that this other douchebag gets to see her more than I do. I might be afraid that she's planning on leaving me and hooking up with douchebag. It's kinda hard to sort all this stuff out for DC; he has to do it himself.
This is an example of why I think that long distance relationships are a terrible idea when you're young. They're all the drama of a relationship and none of the reward. You don't get to see your girlfriend, but you don't get to date other people either, and you get to sit around playing with yourself at home wondering what they're up to.
But, hey, if DC wants to spend his energy on a girl he only sees a couple times a month, that's his prerogative. My first instinct was to post "Either move to NYC or move on," but I'm trying to be helpful here.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Edit: Heh, and clearly this isn't the case.
The real thing here is to understand that you also have to trust her flock of friends to protect her. If you talk to her about her friends (which most people actually enjoy doing) it'll probably put your mind at ease. Hell, she probably has a funny story about her girlfriends shielding her from another creepy guy. It happens a LOT. That's why girls get the stigma of traveling in groups all the time - it simply works to fend off creeps.
It's expected of you to trust your girlfriend, but if you can trust her friends too then you'll sleep easy at night. The friends are the ones who help her get out of dangerous situations (drinking too much, driving drunk, creepy guys). She's the only one responsible on the infidelity front.
Although that is a topic for another thread
His definition of alcoholism is very incorrect.
Fair enough.
VC is right, you're going to have to trust your girlfriend to make her own decisions or else you'll never have a happy relationship. But I also suspect that I'm right, and that there are a number of emotional facets to this situation that you need to sort out. Do some soul-searching or talk it over with a close friend; I think you'd benefit from having a clear idea of why this bothers you before you take it to your girlfriend.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Starting to drink at 10 am isn't a good sign, let alone everything else she's doing.
If you ask her to cut back on the liquor intake, and she does, great.
If she doesn't, it might be time to cut her off, since she'll probably do other things in spite of you too.
Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
That has absolutely nothing to do with what the OP said.
No, instead the OP backpedaled and chose to tell us that his girlfriend only drank at 10am out of boredom when she was staying with him and he was busy the whole time. This is not indicative behavior of her personality, it's just an incident that he chose to refer to because it was feeding the beast.
This girl is like every other person - she likes to go out and have fun in her own way. It sounds like there's not a lot more here than just jealousy, and it sounds like the OP has handled it fine. Not over-reacting and proper communication on this is definitely the way to go unless you have any other reason to believe that her drinking is an actual problem and not just "fun with friends on a Friday".
Also If that's her way of having fun and there's nothing you can do about it, then so be it. If you're going to stay with her and tolerate it then that's fine, but it clearly bothers you and if she's not going to cut it out then the very least she can do is not call you up and rub your face in it.
There is also the possibility she's trying to get your jealous. I'm not saying all women do that but some do. I'm not quite sure what they get out of it but it certainly happens. Hell, a girl I'd been friend's with for a long time flat out told me she wanted to see me and her new boyfriend in a knock down drag out fist fight. o_O
Bottom line is that since it seems to bother you so much. then tell her how much it bothers you and to keep it to herself. Problem solved.
EDIT: OK, I missed the part of Dance Commander's other post where she flat out says she was trying to make him jealous. Just tell her cut cut the crap out.
Also, some people are just dicks and like to see people squirm.