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GF is thinking of other people. Normal?
suicidexcuse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok I'll try to make this short.
My girlfriend, who I've been with for 7 months, told me last night that she has been having thoughts of a guy at her work. At first she said it was just her thinking he was hot. As well as saying it didn't matter cause she had only seen him once and didnt know his name. But she tends to lie to me when I might get upset. So after some coaxing she admitted it was a guy who I've met and who she works with regularly. And not just thoughts about him being hot but thoughts of giving him oral sex and such. The man in question is twice her age at 50 and incredibly buff. He also tells her that he likes to have sex with young girls but make it known that he isn't looking for anything other then sex. She also seems to think he likes her too, eyeing her when he thinks she isn't looking. On top of that she leaves town often to go to work sites with him. Leaving them alone in a car by themselves for hours at a time. She tells me none of it matters cause she doesn't love him she loves me. This is all very disconcerting because when i told her not to lie to me anymore about anything she says "Why, what if that lie keeps us together?" She doesn't seem to understand that it's not fair to me when she lies about things just because she is afraid of losing me.
Now I need to know if this is normal. This is my first girlfriend so I'm not sure what to think. Is it normal to think of having sex with other people? I can see when a girl is good looking but I don't think of putting my mouth on their naughty bits. It's not as though we don't have an active sex life. We have sex once a day and increase that to 2-3 times a day on weekends. Also we've been living together for 2 months.
And one last thing. Before she told me this yesterday she told me she wouldn't mind if I watched porn. Cause according to her I need more ideas. So does she just want someone more experienced?
Any advice is welcome. Forgive my ignorance if this is common place for couples.
My girlfriend, who I've been with for 7 months, told me last night that she has been having thoughts of a guy at her work. At first she said it was just her thinking he was hot. As well as saying it didn't matter cause she had only seen him once and didnt know his name. But she tends to lie to me when I might get upset. So after some coaxing she admitted it was a guy who I've met and who she works with regularly. And not just thoughts about him being hot but thoughts of giving him oral sex and such. The man in question is twice her age at 50 and incredibly buff. He also tells her that he likes to have sex with young girls but make it known that he isn't looking for anything other then sex. She also seems to think he likes her too, eyeing her when he thinks she isn't looking. On top of that she leaves town often to go to work sites with him. Leaving them alone in a car by themselves for hours at a time. She tells me none of it matters cause she doesn't love him she loves me. This is all very disconcerting because when i told her not to lie to me anymore about anything she says "Why, what if that lie keeps us together?" She doesn't seem to understand that it's not fair to me when she lies about things just because she is afraid of losing me.
Now I need to know if this is normal. This is my first girlfriend so I'm not sure what to think. Is it normal to think of having sex with other people? I can see when a girl is good looking but I don't think of putting my mouth on their naughty bits. It's not as though we don't have an active sex life. We have sex once a day and increase that to 2-3 times a day on weekends. Also we've been living together for 2 months.
And one last thing. Before she told me this yesterday she told me she wouldn't mind if I watched porn. Cause according to her I need more ideas. So does she just want someone more experienced?
Any advice is welcome. Forgive my ignorance if this is common place for couples.
suicidexcuse on
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This is the most worrying part, to me. Lack of trust and straying thoughts? Not a good combination.
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
That about sums it up...If I were you, I'd show her the door and start from scratch.
i'm gonna go ahead and agree here.
what if that lie keeps us together? relationships really shouldn't be held together by lies, unless i've been doing it wrong
Very true.
Other worrying part - "what if that lie keeps us together?" This line of reasoning does not work in a relationship. Does not work at all.
My Little Game Blog - http://profundospielen.blogspot.com/
That is kind of normal... for a really open girl in a mostly physical relationship, in which the physical part is losing it's original luster. Ouch.
I'd say offhand, she's edging you to be more open and experimental in bed. The dig to your own relationship image isn't the healthiest way to go about it, but I think what she's going for is a focus on sexual fantasies, and bringing some of those out into the open. In short, she wants to play hard with you.
I dunno for advice. Step up to the challenge maybe? It can certainly be a lot of fun, and you're at the age where an open girlfriend gives the chance to try and do a whole lot of things you may never really get into again. Try and think of one thing during the day you haven't tried before. Different places, different positions, different roles and situations; all the hard, all the soft, see if you can set up the mood to explore.
I mean its either that or you go down the road where your fantasy lives split, which usually just ends up with a rift between you two that grows over time, and keeps growing until someone acts inappropriately. Fantasies grow when you feed them, and although it may never really be acted upon (it really isn't a sign of cheating, reality and fantasy are two different things) the mindset can change, and that creates relationship difficulties.
Ensuring that you share and explore a healthy portion of each other's fantasies keep everybody on the same level. But do your homework, yeh? The 'easy' way is to ask her what she wants and try to do that. Try not to cop out like that to often. Think about it from both sides, and come up with something you want. Try and put yourself in her mind, and come up with something she wants. What sort of feelings and emotions she might appreciate, etc.
There are many different themes one can have to sex, more than just body positioning and good lighting (do you have tea-lights? get you some goddamn tealights already.) Dominate, aggressive, caring, soft, ultra-soft, fun, playful- really anything, so long as you put effort into ensuring that that theme carries forward for at least twenty minutes or so.
Why 20? Well, have sex for as long as you'd like, and feel free to evolve themes from one into the other- but twenty minutes is about what it takes for people to chemically sync up and then grow together psychologically. You need to be in that kind of intimate zone at least, at least three times a week just for basic maintenance (you can do it without sex, a good conversation over the same kind of food serves just fine, but sexually chemsitry is a bit more potent, and hey mang, more fun then cheap pasta) and even more often to grow closer and more intimate.
Doing this while sharing and indulging in the same sexual fantasy? A great way to grow closer and learn what really drives (and is driving) the other person wild.
Sorry to rant, but I red flagged somewhere in your OP where she's basically telling you flat out she wants you to up your game. It takes effort, no lies, but all things being equal, you'll get everything you put into it and more.
There are several ways to look at this; here are a few I can think of off the top of my head:
1) She mentioned this and in the detail she did to alleviate the guilt she feels, and to try to throw blame onto you if something actually happens because you knew about it and stayed with her.
2) She mentioned this and in the detail she did to test the waters of your opinion on the matter of casual sex in relationships, measuring your response to see if she could get away with doing something and having no intention of doing anything if you got too upset.
3) She mentioned this and in the detail she did because she believes in the power of confession. She feels so guilty for even thinking about it that she felt the need to tell you and say "this is how much you can trust me, I'm sitting here crying just thinking about cheating and losing you, and I wanted you to know what was on my mind."
Could be a combination, could be something else. I don't really know her, or what she said or did. Personally, I feel like it was pretty inappropriate for her to go into that kind of detail about it anyway. In the end, you have to decide if you feel like you trust her, or if you if you feel like you ever can again. You should definitely talk to her about it more, but if you get a bad feeling I think you should definitely walk.
You do NOT want to date a habitual liar-for-any-reason.
See, I disagree. I think this is perfectly healthy.
It's the trust that really worries me.
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
I fully expect this lime to get larger and larger. The age difference made me a little uneasy after reading the OP, and the girlfriends "This is is a hypothetical good lie!" statement is really bad.
Yeah, telling the boyfriend/girlfriend about having a particularly large attraction to someone else doesn't seem bad, it's at least honest, and then hopefully the person works through why they have such a strong attraction and if there's anything to work on in their relationship. But this is issue here is much more than that.
No sir, I don't like it.
He lives on as cheezburger grease in our hearts.
This right here, along with her past lies. Yes, even if she says it's to not make you upset. Since she's hiding things already, it may not be much of a stretch in her mind to go ahead and do something bad, since it's okay if you don't find out about it.
Really, the best case scenario is that she's getting a little bored in bed, and that she's telling you this in a very odd attempt to get you to loosen up and experiment more. So that's worth a shot.
But the worst case scenario is that she's the type of person who really, really can't handle being with the same person for too long, since she craves new experiences too much. In other words, she's not truly ready to settle down.
Which is it? That's something you need to figure out for yourself, based on the kinds of things she does every day.
Though the way she brought this all up was very, very, very odd.
I cannot imagine all the dirt and illnesses a girl like this could potentially bring to my bed, but it makes me very nervous just to consider the idea of knowingly sleeping with her.
I am sorry for my comments, but this kind of situations hit a nerve in me everytime I read about them.
Like others have said, it's normal to be attracted to other people while in a commited relationship. I have a weak spot for red heads, my wife has a weak spot for a certain look. When it comes down to it, we still come back to each other and stay commited to each other.
If she came up to me with a similar situation....there'd be trouble. I would expect her to have the same response if I said that to her.
IMO, get out while you can. You are young, and this has the very high potential for doom.
So I was supposed to ask her if she thought about blowing other guys before sleeping with her? She told me this yesterday after I moved in with her and have had sex with her probably over 150 times.
I would probably see this as a bad sign.
I would probably see this as a bad sign.
I would probably see this as a bad sign.
I would probably see this as a bad sign.
Echoing others here. Its not good when your partner blatantly tells you "I am having a fantasy about blowing another dude I work worth who is 50. Whats your thoughts on that?"
My guess is either she is:
1. Already fooling around with the dude and wants forgiveness in some form of fashion by making up this lie to make myself feel better.
2. She feels guilty for having these bad thoughts and wants to let you know.
3. She is a freak and wants a threesome at some point in the the near future with Mr. Old Spice. This is an indirect way of asking how you feel about her being with another guy.
Being attracted to people is normal. Being massively insensitive and borderline cruel is not. This relationship is on borrowed time.
It was not my intention to make it sound like that, sorry, it is just that women had said and done things in the past that made my head spin out of control.
Yes, I was just coming here to post this.
Fantasizing about other people while in a relationship (or not in a relationship, for that matter)? Normal.
Telling your significant other that you want to give your 50 year old coworker a blowjob? Abnormal. And either very stupid, very disrespectful, or both.
Some other guy had a thread here a few months ago about how he told this girlfriend who he supposedly loved, or whatever, that he was fantasizing about some girl that he didn't even think he could be with. Just to "get it off [his] chest." I'd say that's pretty rude, and I'd say that even if your girlfriend is 100% innocent in the no cheating department now and forever, she's still being pretty fucking rude in telling you all this.
Yeah, it's lying. But you're naive if you think you can expect people to be completely honest with you your entire life and you're exceptionally naive if you plan on being completely honest throughout YOUR entire life. And pure honesty all the time isn't even healthy. Some dishonesty comes with existing happily in human society, as does being lied to.
She's older. There's a guy she sees. At work. Every day. Who she talks about wanting to have sex with. Who is willing to have sex with her. Not only is it wickedly unprofessional, but the next step is them actually doing something. This will not end well.
He will fuck her on the boat.
Dude I'm not being funny or anything but she sounds like kind of a bitch.
Was there any possible reason why you needed to know this?
Good riddance. You are better off without her. Time to change her name on your cell phone to "DO NOT ANSWER". Block all her email and everything. If I remember you correctly, you live with her. Time to move back with the parents temporarily. Let them know you need to leave ASAP. If you don't work during the day, start packing up that stuff now while she isn't home, thus easier to do.
You will be better off single then to have a woman who whores around on you.
I can't stress enough how quickly the writer of the OP should drop this woman.
Seriously, she is made of bad juju.
Oh, she's leaving alright. Personally I wouldn't waste any more time with that girl.
Best case scenario is so that when she gets back she can wave around "He was hitting on me and I thought about it but I didn't because I love you". (It's a Trap!)
She's getting bored with you.
I don't care how often you guys have sex. Sometimes quality is more important than quantity.
If you're going to stay with her, you need to confront this as soon as reasonably possible. You need to ask her: "Are you getting bored? Are you having cold feet? What do you want out of a relationship that I'm not giving you?" That's a pretty big "if" because there's a pretty strong probability that she'll cheat on you sometime soon.
If she can't answer those questions honestly and have a mature rational conversation with you about it, you definitely need to move on.
And by the way, am I understanding you correctly that you just moved in with her yesterday and she started telling you this after you moved in together?
No no. Sorry I mean that after moving in a while ago. We've been living together for a month and a half.
Okay. That's still not a long time to be living together, and still very much within the timeframe where she might be freaking out about committing to you. Moving in together is a big change and can trigger all sorts of commitment-phobic behaviors.
Also, do you even want to be a with a girl who would lie to you over stuff like that? Who knows what else she has lied about.
For me, at least, it would be very hard to trust this girl. When its easy to lie about stupid little things, it'll be easy to lie about very fucking important things.
I would probably see this as a bad sign.
It's more than a sign to me, I couldn't ever be with someone who thought lying to your SO was ok.
A very bad sign. The way she acts, it sounds almost like she's actively trying to make you end the relationship.
I suggest you have a very serious talk with her. If she can't be open with you, or if you find yourself unable to accept whatever she has to say once she does open up, be prepared to break up with her.