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first time woes (the sex)

HalberdBlueHalberdBlue Registered User
edited June 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
So, my whole life I didn't think my first time having sex would be that bad. It just ended... and it was a complete flub (though I was actually rather entertained). Here's what went down:

We made out for about a billion years, and I started fingering her, and she was VERY wet. I took that as a good sign. Eventually I moved to eating her out, and after about a minute she asks me if I want to go for the whole 9 yards. I was still completely clothed at this point, so she had yet to do anything to me, but I was kind of hard. I found a condom, first tried putting it on backwards (so I couldn't even start to get it on), and then got it on the right way. But by then I wasn't very hard.

I was never even able to get it inside of her. I wasn't hard enough, I think. I guess she was too tight for me to be able to squeeze past? After like 3 or 4 minutes of struggling she wasn't even wet at all anymore, so we gave up. :/

So I come to you, H&A, in my time of most dire need. What went wrong? Why wasn't I hard enough? How can I fix this? We won't see each other for about a week, so I have until then to prepare for battle.

HalberdBlue on
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Posts

  • codetrapcodetrap Registered User
    edited June 2008
    I apologize for my insensitivity.

    < insert witty comment here>
  • Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Man, I am going to hell but that is funny.

    Alright in all seriousness I think you got anxiety issues, being hard enough to penetrate a vagina is not something someone really has to worry about unless you have some serious medical issues. What I would recommend is trying to relax and focus off of the situation. I have to throw out this disclaimer otherwise Violent Chem will e-castrate me, but if you ARE LEGALLY OF AGE TO DRINK IN YOUR NATION throw down a shot or 2, nothing to get you drunk or buzzed but just to relax. If it is still an issue have her felate you till you get turgid enough.

    Normally when masturbating can you get stiff? If so I recommend relax, if you are jacking off and you are doing so somewhat soft all of the time I suggest seeing your doctor.

  • RookRook Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    I'd actually say that putting on a condom is probably the least sexually exciting thing you can do, especially if you have trouble doing it. So don't go straight from putting on a condom to trying to shove floppy penis into vagina. Either go back to what you were doing, or get her to concentrate on you a bit.

  • dgs095dgs095 Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    First time sex is almost always awkward.

    If you both start stressing about things during the act it is a huge mood killer. After you put the condom on if your not hard or loose some hardness don't stress about it, more foreplay should get you both back in the mood and ready to go.

    Also, if your having trouble staying hard, is there a lot on your mind? Worried about STD's or pregnancy? If stuff is stressing you out maybe you should talk about it.

    And a little lube (silicone or water based...no oil obviously) can go a long way.

    And someone earlier had this problem because they were using some sort of weird condoms that numb your penis.

    Edit: I agree with rook, condoms are required but the "time out" while you get it and put it on is a huge mood killer. Put a condom or two in a handy location (under pillow?) and practice putting it on. Condoms are cheap.

  • Grid SystemGrid System Registered User
    edited June 2008
    What went wrong? Why wasn't I hard enough? How can I fix this?
    The problem with condoms is that putting them on tends to be exactly the opposite of arousing at a time when arousal is kind of important. This is doubly true when you wind up fumbling around. You still really should use one, but the key is to get it on quickly, and, if possible, in a manner that is at least kind of arousing. I recommend letting the girl do it. Having her down there, playing with you, ought to be something of a turn-on.

    Also, make sure you're damn hard before going for the condom. Again, have her help out here.

    And, with regards to having trouble getting it in, assuming your problem wasn't simply being insufficiently erect, have lube on hand to smooth things over. Really, you should have lube around regardless. It makes everything better.

  • HalberdBlueHalberdBlue Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Well, I'm in China for the summer, so I actually am allowed to drink here. Not when I go back to the States though. I didn't really feel anxious or nervous though, thats the thing. I'll try that though.

    I'm actually not really sure that I never got it inside of her. The condom killed a lot of feeling. Maybe I should find thinner ones? I have no problem getting very hard when masturbating. I'll ask her to work on me a bit next time too.

  • KyanilisKyanilis Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    The first time is always tricky. I doubt it went perfectly for anyone. I wouldn't be worried about your lack of "being hard." You were probably stressing yourself out a bit just thinking about performing well, then the condom mixup? Sounds like a good mixture for a flaccid penis. And her drying up was probably also due to basically the same reason. Being nervous will undoubtedly make having sex tougher. And when's the last time you did anything for the first time and weren't at least a little nervous about it? And then after not getting it perfect the first time I can only imagine how amplified that became.

    So next time just relax a little, let things flow. You said she didn't really "do anything to you?" So fix that. Talk to her about things that turn you on so she'll be able to help keep things going. What happened here is nothing outside of the norm. Now that you've got some of the first time jitters out of the way, forget about them. Definitely try not to worry about it not working out this time, as that may cause problems the next time. Because hey, that's really the only to succeed here: try again.

  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Rook wrote: »
    I'd actually say that putting on a condom is probably the least sexually exciting thing you can do, especially if you have trouble doing it. So don't go straight from putting on a condom to trying to shove floppy penis into vagina. Either go back to what you were doing, or get her to concentrate on you a bit.

    This. Seriously.

    Same thing happened to me, including the putting it backwards on thing. Learn to put the condom on, and like Rook said, don't just jump in right afterwards.

    Spoiler:
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    No wonder you weren't aroused, it was all about her. Did she ever do anything to get you in the mood?

  • HalberdBlueHalberdBlue Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Uhhhhh.... now that I think of it, not really. I'll definitely talk to her about that.

  • dgs095dgs095 Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    No wonder you weren't aroused, it was all about her. Did she ever do anything to get you in the mood?

    Arousing my girlfriend with foreplay always gets me in the mood, weather she does anything to get me in the mood or not.

  • ElJeffeElJeffe Super Moderator, Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited June 2008
    dgs095 wrote: »
    No wonder you weren't aroused, it was all about her. Did she ever do anything to get you in the mood?

    Arousing my girlfriend with foreplay always gets me in the mood, weather she does anything to get me in the mood or not.

    Ditto, but different strokes, and all.

    Huh huh, I said "strokes".

    Most of the advice here is good, but be careful with alcohol. It's harder to get it up when you're inebriated. A single drink may lighten the mood, but more than that and you could be limp-dicking it up in NoBoner City.

    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

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  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Practice putting on a condom in your own time. Perhaps masturbate for awhile and then put a condom on before you finish yourself off?

    Also, lube. Don't get something with glycerin in it if you can help it, as that can give her a yeast infection. I like Wet Naturals's glycerin-free lube. It's just a handy thing to have around, especially since condoms can dry things up very easily.

  • Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User
    edited June 2008
    I use Eros bodyglide, best shit ever, 2 out of 3 orifice approve. Glycerin??? Do people really use Vaseline? I fucking pack bearings in that shit.

    Dont jack with a condom, thats just ridiculous

  • RubickRubick Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Was it her first time as well? I had a false-start when I attempted to have sex for the first time - he was good to go, but I was so incredibly tight (and intact) that he could not get inside. Like, it just wasn't happening. In retrospect that is a VERY GOOD THING as he was a complete asshole and I'm such an idiot for even thinking about doing that with him. Anyway, when it did actually happen for real, it took some different positions in order to get penetration to occur, and after that it was all good. So while you not being hard was definitely a big part of it, there could be other factors as well.

  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Warning about the condom here, make sure you know which way around it is BEFORE you put it on. Otherwise if you put it on and realize it's backwards, you've probably just put pre-ejaculate (that might contain seamen) on the front of it. Not the best plan.

    Otherwise, just take it easy. I think everyone has an embarrassing story from their first time.

  • RyeRye Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Dont jack with a condom, thats just ridiculous

    If you're trying to get used to the feeling of sex with a condom on, masturbating with a condom a few times is not ridiculous. Being expected to always jack with a condom is ridiculous, admittedly.

    Plus you get used to putting it on without fumbling and trying to find which end is the right one.


    Also, being in the mood and being fully erect are two different things. It's not like he's "broken" for needing a little attention to get it up fully. Truly, different strokes.

  • TofystedethTofystedeth veni, veneri, vamoosi Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Man. This exact thing happened to me my first time. Everything was going well right up until the moment of truth, then it was all, several minutes of fumbling with the condom, and then nothing worked. We had to stop and give it another about 10 minutes later. I still needed some help from her.

    Basically what other people said. Putting on a condom, particularly struggling to do so is not sexy. If you have a few to spare, try practicing so you can get it one without too much trouble. Afterwards you may still need some assistance to get back into form. Especially with first time stress.

    Alternatively, get a Pronto Condom. If those are even available in China.

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  • Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User
    edited June 2008
    you can see the edge of the condom ring to see what the right side is.

  • TubeTube Says some shit Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited June 2008
    Practise putting on a condom. Practise it a lot. That was your problem, there's nothing else at work here. Don't worry.

  • supabeastsupabeast Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Sex is scary. You’ll get used it after a while.

  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Get thinner condoms; it's not like sports cars where you can only afford the nice stuff when you're 50. Kimonos are great and Beyond 7s are a classic, awesome condom.

    As for actually having sex for the first time, yes, even though you can be pumped for it there's a lot that can screw with your head that you don't even realize it. Performance anxiety can do a lot of negative things for sex, even if you're not fully aware of it.

    Probably the easiest way is to not think of it as set phases -- not "foreplay, now some oral play, now the sex." And don't think "just because I'm with this girl, it is bad for me to touch my own genitals." Something that's pretty common is to start putting the condom on, past the head of your penis, and then, if you're starting to get soft, stroke your own penis. Or have her help you out, avoiding the condom (so it doesn't slip off into her mouth -- awkward!). What might work really well is to then get close to penetrating her, and then, as you hold your penis in order to help guide you in, roll the condom the rest of the way down.

    And yes, you should get some water-based lube for the first few times. Some women can stay wet for hours, others last about 5 minutes, and it's no fun to run into the scorching, burning sensation halfway into sex.

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  • cloudeaglecloudeagle Zhu-Li, do the thing! Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    As others have said, as much as you were doing things to her, she needs to be doing things to you. Fully clothed when going for it? Not the best situation... she needs to be touching you, kissing you, stroking you at least a bit. You probably weren't fully in the zone.

    Also, you're in China? The condom could be an issue, since they're made a little smaller than American condoms. I know this from experience from a few encounters with a Chinese exchange student who brought her own condoms from home. I'm on the big side, and when I put that thing on I felt like I was being strangled. Would that be an issue for you? Do you have access to American-made condoms?

    3DS: 0344-9335-6762
  • Andrew RyanAndrew Ryan Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Wow Deja Vu, I can also second this experience.

    Mbt2W.gifbLHcF.gifMbt2W.gifbLHcF.gif
    naknaknaknaknak
  • WootloopsWootloops Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Warning about the condom here, make sure you know which way around it is BEFORE you put it on. Otherwise if you put it on and realize it's backwards, you've probably just put pre-ejaculate (that might contain seamen) on the front of it. Not the best plan.

    Otherwise, just take it easy. I think everyone has an embarrassing story from their first time.


    This. While pre-cum doesn't contain semen on it's own, there may still be some in your urethra if you haven't taken a piss since the last time you came. Last thing you want is a pregnant girl, right? Make sure you know which way is the right way before you put it on.

    But, yeah. I think we've all experienced something similar to this. Putting a condom on is basically a race against time; I think penis' know that they're about to get smothered and go flacid, much like how some pets will go wild and flee when you bring out the kennel when its time to go to the vet :lol:. As a little bit of advice to keep yourself interested, try having her put the condom on for you. That might keep you hard enough to keep the ball rolling, so to speak.

    Geez, I remember my first time...couldn't get hard enough since the condom was strangling the life out of my penis, and the girl might as well have been a brick wall anyway. I remember grumbling something like "How do people rape..." which made her laugh and relax enough for it to finally fit. While I don't condone mentioning rape of all things during sexy time, try getting her to relax with a joke. Sex is a scary thing afterall.

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  • HalberdBlueHalberdBlue Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Thanks a lot for all the advice so far, including the people saying the same thing happened to them. That makes me feel better. :) Unfortunately she was just a girl I was hooking up with, and then after I posted this thread we had a chat and she decided she wanted to end it because she saw herself getting emotionally attached to me, which would be a bad thing with distance and all (and the whole thing was purely physical for me). I guess I'm too likeable to be a hookup partner is what it sounded like? Heh. So, next time might not be awhile for me (unless she changes her mind, but I think thats unlikely). She wasn't a virgin, by the way.

  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Aye, if it helps, I'll add to the pot of "the first time is almost always awkward". It sure as hell was for me. My wife can attest to that, I imagine. =)

    Don't worry though, after some practice you'll get better at it and it'll become more natural. If you have to, please her for a bit longer... stay down there for a bit, and if you can get her to climax or come close before you go for it. That way, you make sure she has a good time... which really takes the pressure off when you're first starting. I know the thing going through my mind was if she was actually enjoying it. But it sounds like you were doing quite well, I wouldn't worry at all amigo.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • LondonBridgeLondonBridge __BANNED USERS
    edited June 2008
    Condoms and anxiety opening them. Seriously, I'd pay extra for a condom that open easily when your hands are lubey.

  • YourFatAuntSusanYourFatAuntSusan Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Man, my first time was the crappiest experience and I regret it 1000%. I was 14, she was 18 (and a whore) and we didn't use a condom. I lasted like, 10 seconds.

    A week later I "broke up with her" so she told me she was pregnant. (she wasn't, she was just a bitch)

    Don't worry about your first time.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • babyeatingjesusbabyeatingjesus Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    My first time she was too tight and too dry and we didn't have any lube so she tried to use cold water.

    You can imagine how that went.

    hitthatcheeseburgerfatty.gif
  • CojonesCojones Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    It's no big deal, man. The same happened to me on my first time. Just keep a sense of humour about you and try not to worry about it.

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  • CasualCasual worst polygamist Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    My first time went great had great sex and she loved it. Second time however was a complete disaster because of pretty much what was described in the OP, I tried to put the condom on (probably backwards now I think about it) and failed then proceeded to go completely limp for the rest of the night. To this day I still despise using condoms but fortunately I don't have to since my girlfriend is on the pill. If your SO is happy to do it I recommend the pill highly if not we may have a male version of the pill soon. Mind you if you're having casual sex with strangers it would still be stupid not to use a condom.

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  • AbsoluteZeroAbsoluteZero Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Just first timers anxiety, don't worry about it. I second the advice to practice putting on a condom, that shit is an art.

    3DS Friend Code: 0817-5033-8184 // Nintendo Network ID: AbsoluteZero
  • wunderbarwunderbar Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Man, my first time was the crappiest experience and I regret it 1000%. I was 14, she was 18 (and a whore) and we didn't use a condom. I lasted like, 10 seconds.

    A week later I "broke up with her" so she told me she was pregnant. (she wasn't, she was just a bitch)

    Don't worry about your first time.

    that is either the most horrible, or....no, just the most horrible, thing I've heard today.

  • Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User
    edited June 2008
    I was 15 she was 18 and the sex was fine, but it was something I could not have achieved without copious amounts of alcohol

  • RonaldoTheGypsyRonaldoTheGypsy Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    ElJeffe wrote: »
    A single drink may lighten the mood, but more than that and you could be limp-dicking it up in NoBoner City.

    I read "limp-dicking it up in NoBoner City" and lost it, hahaha. One of the strongest prerequisities to good sex is being comfortable. You have to be cool with being naked in front of the girl, be confident in what (or who) is going down, and most of all remember that this bedroom shit is supposed to be fun - not stressful. Don't put any pressure on it, just get in there and have a good time, eh?

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  • noobertnoobert Registered User
    edited June 2008
    ElJeffe wrote: »
    dgs095 wrote: »
    No wonder you weren't aroused, it was all about her. Did she ever do anything to get you in the mood?

    Arousing my girlfriend with foreplay always gets me in the mood, weather she does anything to get me in the mood or not.

    Ditto, but different strokes, and all.

    Huh huh, I said "strokes".

    Most of the advice here is good, but be careful with alcohol. It's harder to get it up when you're inebriated. A single drink may lighten the mood, but more than that and you could be limp-dicking it up in NoBoner City.

    This, exactly.

    Seriously man, just relax. It sounds like you are going to have heaps of chances at getting this right ;)

  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Hi! Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Condom size is important, not only do they come in different lengths, but also different diameters. If it is too tight around your penis, you will lose sensation, which will make it almost impossible to maintain your erection. So try a few different brands and styles, and practice putting them on. Also, first time jitters make losing your virginity an awkward and embarassing experience for like 97% of people. You might also find that her self-esteem has taken a hit because she feels she 'failed to arouse you enough'. Good lube is also essential, stay away from KY, I find it reduces sensation, and it dries out and goes tacky quickly. Eros is gold stuff, you only need to use a couple of drops, and it stays slippery forever. Seriously, when you get up in the morning to take a whiz, you'll almost have trouble holding on to your beast.

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  • thejazzmanthejazzman Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Condoms are really tricky. it's very very important that you find a condom that actually fits you properly and feels ok when it's on. If you are having any trouble putting it on, there's a good chance you will stop being hard. Practice putting them on until it's rly rly easy, and get a shit load of different types and sizes and see which one is the best.

    Also, next time get her to suck you off a bit or at least handjob play, and get her to do stuff to you WHILE you put the condom on. Try and keeps things sexy throughout, so it's not like, ''hang on baby, I gots to do my sex taxes'' *fiddle fiddle*.

    Good luck, I understand this problem since I never use condoms (wife uses pill) and the few times I've had to use a condom it's been a fucking nuisance.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • HalberdBlueHalberdBlue Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Yeah, I think the condom may have been too tight. I'll go search for wider ones I guess. Not that I'd know what to look for, since I can't read Chinese. But when I get back to the US I'll look for that.

    Thanks again for the advice.

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