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Girl Thread (apologies) Updated *update 3rd page*

DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
edited September 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
So I've known this girl, lets just call her C, for some time now. We work together. Until recently we started talking and texting eachother and became facebook friends and all that shit.

We have been texting a lot for the past couple of days and she has been giving me the 'eyes' at work lately, so I invited her to come hang out and watch a baseball game. She said she was free after 7 and that she would call me. Doesn't call me for the entire night. Fine. She's not interested I can move on. I was a little disappointed though, but what can you do? So I became a little bit more distant the next day at work (wasn't giving her the cold shoulder or anything).

Just a note: I've made my intentions of moving just past friends pretty clear from the get-go.

So then I get a text from her later that day asking me how I was doing etc, followed even later that day with a facebook message that she was free all weekend and that I should call her to hang out (?). Naturally I'm a little confused (and she is still flirting (or so I think) with me through text & facebook).

Anyway, the next day at work there is some playful touching and whatnot throughout the day yada yada yada. I leave work and as soon as I do, I get a text from her "Fine. Don't say bye. Anyway, just hit me up if you wanna hang". First off, what the fuck does this mean? She wanted me to actually say bye to her, sounds pretty interested right? Wrong.

Later that day I shoot her a text asking her if she wanted to hang after work. She said yes. So I told her, allright well after I am done golfing I will give you a call and we can go from there. Get done with golfing (probably a little later than I had planned, time lapsed was about 3-4 hours). I give her a call. No answer. Allright. I send her a text telling her I called her and there was no answer. Fast forward 6 hours later I send her another text "Hey.. where did you go?". This was followed by a "Sorry. A friend came over and we are watching movies". What the hell? She doesn't even let me know that she made other plans that night? Naturally I was a little pissed sent her a text back "Good thing I didn't hold my breath.." to which she replied ":'(".

Yeah, fuck that shit. This has happened two times now. I haven't heard back from her since (this was last night). Thankfully I don't have to go back to work for about 3 weeks.

I don't know what I'm asking here really.. I'm just really really confused. Maybe someone can shine a little insight on what I should do from here. I guess this is pretty much a lost cause but I do like her a lot. But when people break plans with me (and without even telling me), it pisses me off to no end.

/ramble

Demerdar on
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Posts

  • The Man with No NameThe Man with No Name __BANNED USERS
    edited June 2008
    The bullshit is over. Don't talk to her until you get back to work 3 weeks later at minimum. At which point you won't give a shit about her anymore probably. She is too flakey.

    :whistle:
  • GanluanGanluan Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    You don't need to deal with the wishy-washy shit. If she's cancelling plans on you like that, either you ask her straight up what the deal is, or forget about it and stop committing to do things with her.

  • Nite-ManNite-Man Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Your plans with her only fell through twice. It doesn't sound like she's actively avoiding you or anything crazy like that.

    Maybe she didn't realize that her movie watching was going to run as late (or as long) as it did?

    Just ask her out on a date.

    The first significant thing living here taught me is conformity costs money, and everybody pays.
  • ihmmyihmmy Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    "Good thing I didn't hold my breath.."
    ow. just... ow. I'd say any chance of a (romantic) relationship is fucked at this point. She was trying to make sure you were interested (and sorry, no chick is going to just sit and wait 3-4 hours by the phone for a dude to finish golfing and totally avoid making any other plans). Try to salvage the friendship, don't worrya bout anything beyond that.

  • DeShadowCDeShadowC Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Nite-Man wrote: »

    Just ask her out on a date.


    This

  • ceresceres Your photo framed Raw within my mindSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited June 2008
    The plans-canceling in itself really isn't a big deal... the fact that she made no move to tell you what was going on when you had something tentative is a little more indicative. A simple "hey, a friend called and we're going to watch movies" would have gone a million miles here.. she could even have invited you to join them when you were done.

    I would just move on.

    And I am done with my graceless heart,
    So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    ihmmy wrote: »
    "Good thing I didn't hold my breath.."
    She was trying to make sure you were interested (and sorry, no chick is going to just sit and wait 3-4 hours by the phone for a dude to finish golfing and totally avoid making any other plans).

    I realize. However.. she did do the same exact thing to me.. except she never called me. One thing I wont allow is for someone to walk all over me like it. Not to mention I've been interested since I got her number.. and I've made it pretty clear with her.

    You're right about the ruined relationship though. Probably shouldn't have said that.

    parabol
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  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    It sounds like you're better off not trying to date her, and having to continue to deal with the bullshit.

    rodq.jpg
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    dating people you work with always seems to end badly anyways so probably best to dodge that bullet.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • DeShadowCDeShadowC Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    dating people you work with always seems to end badly anyways so probably best to dodge that bullet.

    I met my g/f through work, was actually her boss. We worked together and dated for a year before we both left the company, and have been together for almost 3 years.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    She's either a complete airhead or she's playing and neither bodes well for you. You had tentative plans to hang out that night and she didn't even alert you to her change in plans. I say feck her.

  • Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Yeah Id not contact her and if she is into you she will come to you. Dont stress yourself over a girl that will annoy the hell out of you

  • D.T.D.T. Registered User
    edited June 2008
    DeShadowC wrote: »
    Nite-Man wrote: »

    Just ask her out on a date.


    This

    Yeah. I think it's too early to jump the gun and let this develop into drama in your head. If you want her, then ask her out on a date, all proper-like. Until you do, then you haven't fully solidified your intentions, and you can't hold it against her if casual hang-out plans fall through for one reason or another.

    Ask her out on a date and make solid plans. If she's still flaking out, then yes: time to move on. But until then, the situation is wishy-washy because you're allowing it to be, when you could be taking charge of it.

    DxTiddy.png
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    She's flaky and you haven't been making definite plans. If you still like her, ask her out on a date at a specific time: "Hey, let's go do X at X o'clock on Friday." Don't say "I'll call you when I'm done golfing" and have her wait three to four hours to find out if you're even doing anything; it sounds like she got bored and found some other entertainment.

  • ÆthelredÆthelred Registered User
    edited June 2008
    It sounds like you just need to nail down one definite date with her that neither of you can miss. If she dodges that then don't bother with her anymore, but it sounds like it's fairly early days yet.

    pokes: 1505 8032 8399
  • PitselehPitseleh Registered User
    edited June 2008
    She isn't walking all over you, she missed and got busy. It's possible that she didnt see your text or your call until later. Things happen. I can't tell you how many times I've told multiple people I'm free and ask to hang out and ended up not calling them back because I got busy with other people. It happens.

    A "fuck this shit" mentality isn't really helping anything and it's not that attractive of a quality in people.

  • Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Pitseleh wrote: »
    She isn't walking all over you, she missed and got busy. It's possible that she didnt see your text or your call until later. Things happen. I can't tell you how many times I've told multiple people I'm free and ask to hang out and ended up not calling them back because I got busy with other people. It happens.

    A "fuck this shit" mentality isn't really helping anything and it's not that attractive of a quality in people.

    Not true at all. For the most part especially the Long Island Royalty I deal with. They love it when you fucking hold them on a string. If you show direct attention and affection they couldn't care less. If you make them work for it they are all over you until they get what they want. Then they may move on. Thats why girls play that stupid hard to get game sometimes when that is how they work and guys would rather Just get it then have to second guess a million actions that they do and worry when they dont pick up phones and such.

  • DaenrisDaenris Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Demerdar wrote: »

    I realize. However.. she did do the same exact thing to me.. except she never called me. One thing I wont allow is for someone to walk all over me like it. Not to mention I've been interested since I got her number.. and I've made it pretty clear with her.

    How have you made it clear? Have you said something along the lines of "hey, do you want to go out on a date?" Or has it all been like what you've described here: let's hang out... plans fall through... let's hang out... plans fall through...

  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Sounds like a few girls I've been into before. My thought is if they're flaky in the preliminary stages, then whats gonna change when things get serious?

    Bail, brother.

    sig-1.jpg
  • mspencermspencer Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    I'm in no position to give advice, but I think I'm allowed to throw something out for discussion:

    I don't believe human relationships are always so formal and rigorous. I don't believe she should be expected to single-mindedly plan her leisure activities with the OP in mind. Maybe she's not actively playing the dating game and doesn't really care about pursuing a serious relationship as quickly as possible.

    "Fine, don't say bye" sounds like friendly teasing. She's allowed to be your friend and to tease you playfully if she likes you.

    Her spending time with friends seems normal. You haven't entered into any relationship, and she isn't required to pursue a formal relationship right now. It shouldn't be so offensive if she is bored and thinks "which of my awesome friends might I want to spend time with" and an existing long-term friend comes to her mind before you do. That doesn't mean you'll never grow closer and share a relationship.

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  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    mspencer wrote: »
    I'm in no position to give advice, but I think I'm allowed to throw something out for discussion:

    I don't believe human relationships are always so formal and rigorous. I don't believe she should be expected to single-mindedly plan her leisure activities with the OP in mind. Maybe she's not actively playing the dating game and doesn't really care about pursuing a serious relationship as quickly as possible.

    "Fine, don't say bye" sounds like friendly teasing. She's allowed to be your friend and to tease you playfully if she likes you.

    Her spending time with friends seems normal. You haven't entered into any relationship, and she isn't required to pursue a formal relationship right now. It shouldn't be so offensive if she is bored and thinks "which of my awesome friends might I want to spend time with" and an existing long-term friend comes to her mind before you do. That doesn't mean you'll never grow closer and share a relationship.

    She asked him, about doing something that weekend, and then he called her and made plans to do something that night, only the specific activity was hazy. If she was interested in pursuing a relationship with him, she could have checked her phone(since he said he'd get back with her) and known that he had, and then told him that she'd made new plans. The lack of forethought on her part doesn't seem like a great sign.

    I'd say the OP should only continue, and ask her out on an actual date, if he's really into her.

    rodq.jpg
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Update

    Well.. she came over today and we hung out from about 1:00 till about 11:00.

    We watched a baseball game and chatted till about 5:30 and then went out to eat. After that we went to see Wall-E (great movie BTW) with a few friends of ours. Nothing really happened, just some playful touching and whatnot. I've found out that I can really make her laugh and she didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable the entire time we hung out. We seem to click for sure.

    So.. yeah. She told me to call or text her tomorrow or Monday, so we'll see what happens.

    parabol
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  • saggiosaggio Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Demerdar wrote: »
    Update

    Well.. she came over today and we hung out from about 1:00 till about 11:00.

    We watched a baseball game and chatted till about 5:30 and then went out to eat. After that we went to see Wall-E (great movie BTW) with a few friends of ours. Nothing really happened, just some playful touching and whatnot. I've found out that I can really make her laugh and she didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable the entire time we hung out. We seem to click for sure.

    So.. yeah. She told me to call or text her tomorrow or Monday, so we'll see what happens.

    Congratulations, it sounds like you both enjoy each other's company. Don't overreact if people have lives that don't necessarily include you at every moment, and don't ditch the girl because she doesn't check her phone all the time.

    Ask her out properly and see what happens.

    3DS: 0232-9436-6893
  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Demerdar wrote: »
    Update

    Well.. she came over today and we hung out from about 1:00 till about 11:00.

    We watched a baseball game and chatted till about 5:30 and then went out to eat. After that we went to see Wall-E (great movie BTW) with a few friends of ours. Nothing really happened, just some playful touching and whatnot. I've found out that I can really make her laugh and she didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable the entire time we hung out. We seem to click for sure.

    So.. yeah. She told me to call or text her tomorrow or Monday, so we'll see what happens.

    Well, ok, so this is where you ask her out on an actual date. I think there could be trouble ahead if you keep it semi-possibly friendly like today/yesterday.

    Don't text her.

    rodq.jpg
  • KyanilisKyanilis Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Demerdar wrote: »
    Update

    Well.. she came over today and we hung out from about 1:00 till about 11:00.

    We watched a baseball game and chatted till about 5:30 and then went out to eat. After that we went to see Wall-E (great movie BTW) with a few friends of ours. Nothing really happened, just some playful touching and whatnot. I've found out that I can really make her laugh and she didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable the entire time we hung out. We seem to click for sure.

    So.. yeah. She told me to call or text her tomorrow or Monday, so we'll see what happens.

    And yet the situation isn't resolved. You obviously didn't mention it as a date, so it wasn't. She's still doing the whole friends thing, and maybe even leading you on. But unless you put her on the spot by saying "Hey, lets go on a date" it'll probably stay that way.

  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Right. Well, I leave on Monday so this whole date thing will have to wait for about 3 weeks.

    parabol
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  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    3-4 hours is a long fucking time for someone sitting there waiting for something to happen.
    I can see why she'd hang out with a friend straight away as opposed to waiting on the slim hope a guy might call her.

    sig-1.jpg
  • adamadam Registered User
    edited June 2008
    Yeah I would wait on the date and just hang out more. Definetly watch something better then baseball next time.

  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    I'm gonna throw this out there.

    You guys were all very adamant that I mention it was a date to the other girl. I don't see why. Perhaps this really isn't my place considering my history, but maybe its just how my parents raised me or the small-town-ness in me... BUT I don't think its necessary to make it a point to call it a date.

    To me it seems that its understood for the most part. You're spending time exclusively with someone else for an amount of time. You could be doing other things and while friends may do that, I feel its a bit different when there is a known attraction between two parties.

    My first girlfriend and myself went to some leadership thing for our first "date." I just offered to give her a ride and another of her friends was actually going and I said, "Hey. Its cool if you want to ride with them" because at that point I didn't think she even liked me. She replied with, "Nah. I'd rather go with you."

    So we went. Had fun even though we didn't see each other much because we were in separate groups. On the way home I invited her to a basketball game that evening and she was excited about it. We went and had a great time. On the way home, mostly because I'm a wuss, we almost held hands on a bunch of occasions. We kept looking at each other and smiling very frequently.

    I asked her out a few weeks later. She had always considered that our first date. If I had felt obligated to tell her that I liked her in that capacity enough to call it a date, I would have never gotten to it.

    It all depends on the girl in my mind. I feel in some cases its better to just say, "Hey. Lets go see Wall-E tonight and grab so dinner." Perhaps they're just coming off a relationship and if one were to say what I just said but with "date" thrown in there, it could turn them off because of, well, their relationship just having ended (regardless of length of time they've been separated.) This way, they go thinking "Ok. This will be fun. Something to do" and then as the night progresses she'll either grow to like you or not. Maybe it takes two "dates" or whatever.

    I just am not understanding the dire need for everyone to say, "HI. DATE!?" That word is just so loaded to me. Actions speak louder than words and if you're having to let this other girl know that its a date to you, then I think thats a bit weak. She should know you're into her and you want to treat her to something by the way you act around her during the time you spend together and, well, when you pay for her meal and whatever other activities you have planned I think that also is a give away.

    I'm sure someones gonna say, "WELL U JUST want TINGS 2 JUST CUM 2 U SO U DON'T HAV 2 DO NETHING." This is false.

    sig-1.jpg
  • Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    ^Yes. I've been romantically involved with plenty of girls and at the start of each relationship I never felt the need to ask any of them on a 'date' or ask if we were officially dating or if we were boyfriend and girlfriend or whatever. It just seems stupid to me.

  • The Man with No NameThe Man with No Name __BANNED USERS
    edited June 2008
    Nonsense.


    Because we all know how well your strategy of not explicitly asking a girl out on a date turned out to be.

    :whistle:
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Nonsense.


    Because we all know how well your strategy of not explicitly asking a girl out on a date turned out to be.

    Bluntly put, but agree.

    Look at what they did. They watched a baseball game, hung out, and went to see Wall-E. The OP himself said that nothing much happened, just some casual touching. That right there screams 'not a date'. Now maybe it was the OP's choice to keep it that way, or maybe he was too scared to make a move, but either way, I don't think the girl could be faulted if she just assumed it was a friends thing.

    A lot of times, it just works best if you say from the beginning something along the lines of "Do you want to go out on a date with me?" It avoids confusion later on.

    Spoiler:
  • ceresceres Your photo framed Raw within my mindSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited June 2008
    My 1-year anniversary is coming up soon. We're using the day I told him I liked him, because he never would have picked up on it. Best year of my life.

    Go with your gut. My gut tells me that I hate having even tentative plans canceled on me and not knowing it before hand. Your gut may be less plans-oriented.

    And I am done with my graceless heart,
    So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Chop Logic wrote: »
    ^Yes. I've been romantically involved with plenty of girls and at the start of each relationship I never felt the need to ask any of them on a 'date' or ask if we were officially dating or if we were boyfriend and girlfriend or whatever. It just seems stupid to me.


    My bf and I still laugh about how we became an official couple because of the complete lack of romance. I threw him a birthday party at which he referred to himself as my bf so I changed our Facebook status and that was it. It's the day we consider our official anniversary though we had been casually dating for about a month by then.

  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Nonsense.


    Because we all know how well your strategy of not explicitly asking a girl out on a date turned out to be.

    So because it doesn't work once its never going to nor is there any chance of it actually working, right?

    What do you gain by it? Thinking about it seems like you're trying to push things to far too quick with a "date." As I said, its a loaded word and could mean tons of things to different people.

    Casual touching and what not? Whats so wrong with that that it isn't considered a date? He spent 10 hours with her. I've never spent that amount of time with any female and not considered it a date.

    Maybe its because I'm from a small town or simply don't see relationships in the same light everyone else does, but I think things are going fine for you OP. You've got 3 weeks before you come back from wherever? Enjoy them. Keep in touch with her. Let her know you had a great time and can't wait to go out and do it again.

    Could be that everyone else is right and the fact you didn't say, "OMG WE R ON DATE RITE NOW!" that things aren't developing as they could be. I humbly disagree and say that you're doing fine and if she's going to be flaky and disappear within the next or after these 3 weeks then forget her.

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  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Nonsense.


    Because we all know how well your strategy of not explicitly asking a girl out on a date turned out to be.

    So because it doesn't work once its never going to nor is there any chance of it actually working, right?

    What do you gain by it? Thinking about it seems like you're trying to push things to far too quick with a "date." As I said, its a loaded word and could mean tons of things to different people.

    No it can't. You're not asking them to marry them, or spend their entire life with you. You're just saying "hey, I like you and would possibly want to be more than friends."

    In the OP's case, it might not necessary be as heavily needed, but in other cases where threads have been opened up(such as yours), all basically saying "I don't know if she likes me!", things would be cleared up by asking.

    What do you gain by asking? A clear answer.

    Spoiler:
  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Nonsense.

    The key is to make sure that whatever it is that you're doing, could not be construed as something that friends do. A guy can and will ask his female friend to go have dinner and to see a movie, and then might go hang out at that friend's place later. Saying "date" specifies what it's going to be. Additionally, on the date, you want to do non-friendly things, like touch their shoulder or the small of their back or something, and/or say that they look beautiful etc.

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  • The Man with No NameThe Man with No Name __BANNED USERS
    edited June 2008
    Casual touching and what not? Whats so wrong with that that it isn't considered a date? He spent 10 hours with her. I've never spent that amount of time with any female and not considered it a date.


    Bro you just don't learn. It's amazing, because you just don't learn.

    DON'T follow your own advice. It has STEERED YOU WRONG EVERY TIME.

    You could easily get into casual touching with female friends and not consider it a date or any kind of possible relationship other than friendship. Hell you could even fuck them and still just be friends. Its possible to do anything but unless you specifically convey that you want to go out on a date or be exclusive, it doesn't count for shit.

    And DON'T do a bait and switch by doing something like "Oh hey lets hangout" and then later at the last minute saying "OH BY THE WAY THIS IS ALSO A DATE LOL"

    :whistle:
  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    I'm not saying its foolproof because its not, but this is not the only way to handle the situation.

    I would be inclined to say, "I'm a fucktard and what I'm saying doesn't work" if it hadn't gotten me into my first relationship that lasted a year and a half. Other people have testified similar stories so fuck off.

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  • The Man with No NameThe Man with No Name __BANNED USERS
    edited June 2008
    I'm not saying its foolproof because its not, but this is not the only way to handle the situation.

    I would be inclined to say, "I'm a fucktard and what I'm saying doesn't work" if it hadn't gotten me into my first relationship that lasted a year and a half. Other people have testified similar stories so fuck off.

    Did you just tell me to fuck off!?

    You got LUCKY, thats probably what happened in your first relationship. You liked a girl but she liked you enough to just ask you out because she knew you sure as fuck wouldn't do it already. REAL LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. Your first relationship was an EXCEPTION, and that has given you some pretty fucked up views.

    Just start the hell over.

    :whistle:
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