Dumping a nice girl

RandomEngy

So my girlfriend is nice and there's nothing wrong with her, but I think the relationship is rather stale and I'm finding myself coming up with excuses not to visit her. There's several reasons, we have almost nothing in common, she lives a good ways away and our conversations are simply not engaging at all. I've been thinking about this for several months but have only recently decided.

Anyway, the advice I'm looking for is about how to tell her. I want to explain why in a way that won't hurt her, and with as little drama as possible. I would also need to tie up a few loose ends like giving her back an apartment complex key. So, on the phone? E-mail? Face to face? I really have no idea.

Kris

If she's a nice girl, I think you owe her a face-to-face explanation.

bowen

Face-to-face, just be frank, tell her exactly what you don't like about your relationship. Be prepared for begging, crying, and general upsetness. You'll get it no matter what.

i n c u b u s

Yea, if shes done nothing wrong you owe it to her to just say it like it is. No gimmicks and no lies. Tell her its stale and you want out, these things happen. If she wants to be friends go right ahead, just dont giver her false hope after its over. You don't need a stalker ex gf that thinks she still has a shot at getting back together with you.

EggyToast

Yeah, if you're just not that into her, tell her you're not that into her.

RandomEngy

Alright, face-to-face it is. I'm going to have to brace myself to say possibly the most hurtful thing I've ever said. Anyway, thanks for the advice.

i n c u b u s

It really doesn't have to be hurtful at all. I mean yeah shes gonna be a little crushed but you don't have to be mean.

RandomEngy

Yeah that's what I meant. Still going to be hard.

OremLK

Be straight with her, don't be mean but leave no room for doubt. Say basically what you said here just slightly less blunt, you don't find the relationship interesting anymore, the distance is interfering, etc.

Septus

Yes, don't let her have any room to think that she might be able to get you back.

Nocturne

Septus wrote: »

Yes, don't let her have any room to think that she might be able to get you back.

This. You don't want to make it sound like it's just one thing, like the distance, only to find out the next day that she moved to be closer to you or something.

Some people will rationalize all sorts of stuff if you don't make it clear.

Jebu

Septus wrote: »

Yes, don't let her have any room to think that she might be able to get you back.

This. I was once involved in a relationship that ended with us breaking up three times... over the course of two weeks.

Be understanding, but firm.

Nissl

Went through something just like this (other than distance) a few months ago, nice intelligent attractive girl, nothing in common, conversation sucked. As it turned out she broke up with me right before I got the nerve to pull the trigger. More than likely your girlfriend has been noticing the problems too although maybe she's not willing to completely look at it.

Anyway, not much to add, do it face-to-face (unless she's a plane ride away), don't do it at your place, say it's not working and it's nothing against her. Don't try to force a friends thing if you're not feeling it. Don't use the "I can't do a serious relationship right now" line (that was her line)... I was glad we were breaking up but if I weren't that might have kept me from moving on for months.

Trowizilla

Face-to-face, say, "I'm sorry, I don't think we should keep seeing each other." If she asks why (and she will), say "I'm not feeling the relationship anymore." Wish her the best and leave ASAP, don't stick around for her to try to talk you into staying. She'll cry or be angry, probably, but it's really kinder to her to rip the bandaid off quickly and let her grieve and get over it than drag it out longer than it absolutely has to be.

If you have any of her stuff besides the key, bring it with you. If she has anything of yours that you absolutely can't let go of, arrange to pick it up and bring a trusted friend along to give you an excuse to leave quickly. The less you're in her life from now on (with the optimum of "not at all"), the sooner she'll be able to get over you.

Wags

I might suggest also not offering to "be there" for her. If she's not feeling this breakup, it can help her to get over things a lot faster if you aren't consoling her through it. Not saying you were going to, it's just kind of general good advice for a breakup.

Corvus

RandomEngy wrote: »

I want to explain why in a way that won't hurt her

Look, unless the person you're dumping doesn't give a shit about the relationship, you are going to hurt them simply by dumping them. It sounds like what you're actually wanting is to cause the minimal possible amount of hurt.

Do it in person, its both more respectful, and probably more effective. Be frank, but don't take a long time about it.

Chop Logic

Listen, I was in pretty much the same situation as you.

While you are breaking up with her, she will cry and beg and plead.

DO NOT GIVE IN. BE STRONG IN YOUR RESOLUTION TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

Because you care about her, you want to be able to say anything to make her feel better. Anything, including, alright fine we are not breaking up.

NO. DO NOT DO THIS. YOU WILL FEEL LIKE SHIT AND END UP BREAKING UP WITH HER AGAIN ANYWAY. IT WILL BE BETTER FOR BOTH OF YOU TO JUST BREAK UP ONCE. CLEAN.

Please, think about this before hand so you are prepared for it.

Sushisource

Face to face. Definitely. Make sure you come across clearly. Communication confusion is the wort thing that can happen here.

Tell us how it goes!

Honez

have sex with her best friend or worst enemy.

wasted pixels

Honez wrote: »

have sex with her best friend or worst enemy.

I have a feeling your stay with us will be brief.

PeekingDuck

I'm not sure I would use the word stale, just so we're clear on that.

ben0207

Sit her down, with a few friends at the table too. Then say "who here is still in a relationship" and slowly count your friends, until you get to her, and say "whoa, not so fast, you".

OremLK

Trowizilla wrote: »

Face-to-face, say, "I'm sorry, I don't think we should keep seeing each other." If she asks why (and she will), say "I'm not feeling the relationship anymore." Wish her the best and leave ASAP, don't stick around for her to try to talk you into staying. She'll cry or be angry, probably, but it's really kinder to her to rip the bandaid off quickly and let her grieve and get over it than drag it out longer than it absolutely has to be.

If you have any of her stuff besides the key, bring it with you. If she has anything of yours that you absolutely can't let go of, arrange to pick it up and bring a trusted friend along to give you an excuse to leave quickly. The less you're in her life from now on (with the optimum of "not at all"), the sooner she'll be able to get over you.

Generally pretty sound advice but I do think it's just a courtesy to say why--in clear terms--when you break up with her. It's worse when you're forced to wonder. Granted, she may argue when you tell her why, but that's when you don't argue back, just say "I'm sorry" and get out of there.

Septus

I would not offer up the specifics of the why unless asked, as long as generally, it's clear that you have no desire to date them again.

Razzle Storm

Wags wrote: »

I might suggest also not offering to "be there" for her. If she's not feeling this breakup, it can help her to get over things a lot faster if you aren't consoling her through it. Not saying you were going to, it's just kind of general good advice for a breakup.

This. Seriously, I tried to do that with my ex (although we had been together for two years), and 6 months of my life were spent in depression, as she boarded a train which slowly got closer and closer to crazytown. I did it for reasons that she could understand, but because I was still "there" to help her through it, she took advantage of that and used it as an excuse to insult me, scream at me, say I ruined her life, etc, which ended up just making me depressed. You don't sound like you're in this sort of relationship, but don't try to console her all the same. You're breaking up because you don't want to be with her anymore. Make sure you aren't attached to her anymore.

Tal

I'm more or less echoing what others have said, but you just need to tell her she's not the one. And definitely face to face. That may sound pretty blunt, but that's all it comes down to. I don't see a future together and I don't want to waste your time.

I was in a relationship like that once and was afraid to say anything because she was such a sweet girl, but I didn't see it going anywhere. So when I finally got the nerve up to tell her she basically said she felt the same way. Smoothest breakup ever.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be.

Post Blue

Feelings actually get more complex when you're not talking about some infraction of character or foul play, and the idea that she simply wasn't cut out to complete you can be hard to accept when there's nothing tangible to fault. Explain your decision to her, face-to-face, and stick with the truth by keeping the emphasis on the lack of synergy between the two of you rather than any of your individual faults. There's no room for blame when things just don't work out between good people.

Trowizilla

OremLK wrote: »

Trowizilla wrote: »

Face-to-face, say, "I'm sorry, I don't think we should keep seeing each other." If she asks why (and she will), say "I'm not feeling the relationship anymore." Wish her the best and leave ASAP, don't stick around for her to try to talk you into staying. She'll cry or be angry, probably, but it's really kinder to her to rip the bandaid off quickly and let her grieve and get over it than drag it out longer than it absolutely has to be.

If you have any of her stuff besides the key, bring it with you. If she has anything of yours that you absolutely can't let go of, arrange to pick it up and bring a trusted friend along to give you an excuse to leave quickly. The less you're in her life from now on (with the optimum of "not at all"), the sooner she'll be able to get over you.

Generally pretty sound advice but I do think it's just a courtesy to say why--in clear terms--when you break up with her. It's worse when you're forced to wonder. Granted, she may argue when you tell her why, but that's when you don't argue back, just say "I'm sorry" and get out of there.

I really don't think he needs to explain exactly why, other than "I'm not feeling it." That's basically the reason: he's not feeling into the relationship, they're not right for each other. Giving her an x, y, and z list is just giving her things to obsess over: "I should've taken up Ping-Pong so we had more in common! I should've moved closer!" In reality, she didn't do anything wrong and sounds like a perfectly fine girl, just not the one for RandomEngy.

desperaterobots

Yeah, I've done this. I was a total asshole about it too, which I really regret. He wasn't a bad dude by any stretch, he was just so boring I often wanted to crawl inside my own stomach to be dissolved by my own digestive secretions.

Face to face is good.

Post Blue

desperaterobots wrote: »

Yeah, I've done this. I was a total asshole about it too, which I really regret. He wasn't a bad dude by any stretch, he was just so boring I often wanted to crawl inside my own stomach to be dissolved by my own digestive secretions.

Face to face is good.

Brilliant. Next time I'm feeling that acidic rumble in the stomach at the mercy of relationship stress, I'll think of your illustration.

MikeMan

Trowizilla wrote: »

OremLK wrote: »

Trowizilla wrote: »

Face-to-face, say, "I'm sorry, I don't think we should keep seeing each other." If she asks why (and she will), say "I'm not feeling the relationship anymore." Wish her the best and leave ASAP, don't stick around for her to try to talk you into staying. She'll cry or be angry, probably, but it's really kinder to her to rip the bandaid off quickly and let her grieve and get over it than drag it out longer than it absolutely has to be.

If you have any of her stuff besides the key, bring it with you. If she has anything of yours that you absolutely can't let go of, arrange to pick it up and bring a trusted friend along to give you an excuse to leave quickly. The less you're in her life from now on (with the optimum of "not at all"), the sooner she'll be able to get over you.

Generally pretty sound advice but I do think it's just a courtesy to say why--in clear terms--when you break up with her. It's worse when you're forced to wonder. Granted, she may argue when you tell her why, but that's when you don't argue back, just say "I'm sorry" and get out of there.

I really don't think he needs to explain exactly why, other than "I'm not feeling it." That's basically the reason: he's not feeling into the relationship, they're not right for each other. Giving her an x, y, and z list is just giving her things to obsess over: "I should've taken up Ping-Pong so we had more in common! I should've moved closer!" In reality, she didn't do anything wrong and sounds like a perfectly fine girl, just not the one for RandomEngy.

Being deliberately vague is not necessarily better. It will lead her to being incredibly confused, and in shock at the quickness and seeming randomness of the breakup.

She will second guess anyway, but it is almost more cruel to not tell her why you are doing it.

Crimthaan

Yah dude, if she's nice and she's been nothing but good to you in the relationship you owe it to her to do it face to face. It's gonna suck because it IS going to hurt her, there's no way around that. Breakups hurt. But if you seriously arin't into it anymore then there is no reason to drag it out. It'll only hurt her more in theend.

Alexander

Change your facebook status to single.

MuddBudd

Aside from the people infracted in this thread, pretty much everyone has it down. She deserves an in-person talk. She might very well be thinking the same thing.

You should probably make sure she knows you respect her, but that it's just not working. Sometimes you get two really nice people together, and there's just no chemistry.

Underdog

MikeMan wrote: »

Trowizilla wrote: »

OremLK wrote: »

Trowizilla wrote: »

Face-to-face, say, "I'm sorry, I don't think we should keep seeing each other." If she asks why (and she will), say "I'm not feeling the relationship anymore." Wish her the best and leave ASAP, don't stick around for her to try to talk you into staying. She'll cry or be angry, probably, but it's really kinder to her to rip the bandaid off quickly and let her grieve and get over it than drag it out longer than it absolutely has to be.

If you have any of her stuff besides the key, bring it with you. If she has anything of yours that you absolutely can't let go of, arrange to pick it up and bring a trusted friend along to give you an excuse to leave quickly. The less you're in her life from now on (with the optimum of "not at all"), the sooner she'll be able to get over you.

Generally pretty sound advice but I do think it's just a courtesy to say why--in clear terms--when you break up with her. It's worse when you're forced to wonder. Granted, she may argue when you tell her why, but that's when you don't argue back, just say "I'm sorry" and get out of there.

I really don't think he needs to explain exactly why, other than "I'm not feeling it." That's basically the reason: he's not feeling into the relationship, they're not right for each other. Giving her an x, y, and z list is just giving her things to obsess over: "I should've taken up Ping-Pong so we had more in common! I should've moved closer!" In reality, she didn't do anything wrong and sounds like a perfectly fine girl, just not the one for RandomEngy.

Being deliberately vague is not necessarily better. It will lead her to being incredibly confused, and in shock at the quickness and seeming randomness of the breakup.

She will second guess anyway, but it is almost more cruel to not tell her why you are doing it.

I think it can go either way. I was turned down by a girl without any specific reason and honestly, I don't think having one would've helped. The best I could hope for was "I'm just not interested in you." and there are a multitude of other reasons that would've been very hurtful to hear. In the end, I prefer not knowing because knowing doesn't change her position on the matter anyway.

Septus

Underdog wrote: »

I think it can go either way. I was turned down by a girl without any specific reason and honestly, I don't think having one would've helped. The best I could hope for was "I'm just not interested in you." and there are a multitude of other reasons that would've been very hurtful to hear. In the end, I prefer not knowing because knowing doesn't change her position on the matter anyway.

I think this is the reason most people are talking about. I recently had a situation where I was told that the girl didn't want to date anymore because she was still hung up on a previous boyfriend. So then I'm wondering and wondering for a while if that's true or not and whether she'll get over the ex. Eliminating this is good, telling me that I'm not fun is not.

Folken Fanel

I don't think there's an easy way to break up with anyone. Just do the thing and move on.

RandomEngy

Thanks for the continued advice. An opportunity has not come up yet to do it (her cell phone died, parents are in town, vacation, etc) but I will update when it happens. In the meantime it is kind of awkward talking with my parents about her, because of comments like "you spent that long in a car together you know your relationship is solid."

ElPresPufferfish

As somebody whose girlfriend just broke up with them over the phone instead of waiting a week till they had plane tickets that I bought for her to visit me, I can safely say that it you should definitely break up face-to-face. Theres a sense of closure that you just can't get over the phone.

RandomEngy

Update: was planning to tell her after parents left sometime this week. On the way to meet my parents she said "I don't think this is going to work out" which was a relief but made for a little more awkwardness. No crying or drama or anything, just a clean break-up. Anyway it's all done with; thanks for the advice.