So can Rachel Ray actually be trusted to create edible recipes

Joon

Bourdain on various FN personalities wrote:

ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He’s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I’ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!

EMERIL: I’m actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He’s STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I’ve gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I’ve given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is--in fact--a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show-- compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I’m sure they’re growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I’m just glad he’s still there--a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.

BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby’s strong “negatives” among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill--or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, “I beat Bobby Flay at makin’ barbeque!” at the heart-warming end of show--before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern “Chili Face-Off.” Now…does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can’t make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don’t. It’s a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on “Dunk Bozo” or “Shoot The Geek,” at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay’s previous TV efforts, I find the network’s misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs--by driving Bobby to quit--or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he’s a successful businessman and a good chef--and he doesn’t, after all, need this shit.

MARIO!
Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he’s capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!

THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I’m interested but…I mean...it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on “Food” Network. I mean...what’s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it’s the only “kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face” hopeful they’ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a “Tailgate Special” with the usual suspects. Or a “Thanksgiving Special” where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it’s still probably the best new project they’ve come up with in a long, long time.

GIADA: What’s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass “Best Of” and “40 Dollar a Day” formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She’s good at it.

RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”

PAULA DEEN: I’m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I’d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it’s all over.

SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

Keith

neville wrote: »

Just made this many cookies:



This is after HALF were taken by friends who helped make them.
Keith and I are gonna get SO FAT.

i'll get fat

you'll get fatter

Keith

neville wrote: »

Vivixenne wrote: »

Kuribo's Shoe wrote: »

neville do you have some kind of mental complex that makes you bake things nonstop

yeah

it's called being gay

Really?
Because Keith is gay.
All he does is complain.

look, i don't know if you've ever met a gay person before, but

yourclothes

damn that shit be catty

Faricazy

at least giada's food moaning sounds authentic

i swear i saw her tremble a few times

rachel ray's MMMMMMMMMMM just sounds like she's a wookie in a human skin

ttvp

I miss old Food Network

Especially How to Boil Water. I used to watch that all the time when I was younger. It was the perfect beginner cooking show because the stuff they did was relatively easy and the hosts weren't really chefs as much as they were comedians, so it was usually pretty funny. Kept me entertained every time it was on. Unfortunately you can't find anybody else who remembers it enough to hold a conversation on it. You had to be there, maybe it was my age as well at the time.

Faricazy

ttvp wrote: »

I miss old Food Network

Especially How to Boil Water. I used to watch that all the time when I was younger. It was the perfect beginner cooking show because the stuff they did was relatively easy and the hosts weren't really chefs as much as they were comedians, so it was usually pretty funny. Kept me entertained every time it was on. Unfortunately you can't find anybody else who remembers it enough to hold a conversation on it. You had to be there, maybe it was my age as well at the time.

have you even seen Good Eats?

cause uh

ttvp

Faricazy wrote: »

ttvp wrote: »

I miss old Food Network

Especially How to Boil Water. I used to watch that all the time when I was younger. It was the perfect beginner cooking show because the stuff they did was relatively easy and the hosts weren't really chefs as much as they were comedians, so it was usually pretty funny. Kept me entertained every time it was on. Unfortunately you can't find anybody else who remembers it enough to hold a conversation on it. You had to be there, maybe it was my age as well at the time.

have you even seen Good Eats?

cause uh

Oh yes I do love Good Eats, Alton Brown is king. Don't get me wrong.

I was just reminiscing

Strayth

robothero wrote: »

id totally hit it

at least twice

lostwords

I used to have the biggest crush on rachel ray, like years back during my desperate college years when the thought of an endlessly cheerful lady who can whip up a meal in thirty minutes or less sounded like heaven. But then i heard one too many family stories from her and somethign in me snapped.

Orikaeshigitae

yourclothes wrote: »

damn that shit be catty

hell yeah

The Geek

I got Alton's "I'm Just Here for the Food" book for Christmas and it's great. You can just read through it like a regular book instead of just a cookbook because there's so much info.

Mr. Henry Bemis

Faricazy wrote: »

Giada's more of a vampire anyway



however there's also this

Spoiler:

AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK I WILL STUFF THIS EGGPLANT INTO MY VAGINA

did this happen yet

Spoiler:

Redeemer

I used to have a pretty big crush on that guy who did Food 911

But then he got pretty porky

Strayth

lostwords wrote: »

I used to have the biggest crush on rachel ray, like years back during my desperate college years when the thought of an endlessly cheerful lady who can whip up a meal in thirty minutes or less sounded like heaven. But then i heard one too many family stories from her and somethign in me snapped.

Oh I don't actually watch her show, I'd just hit it. She can be gagged if she's prone to talking about stupid shit. Hell, i'd like to start out by gagging her anyway.

PiptheFair

man I love Paula Dean

Clayton Bigsby

Faricazy wrote: »

Giada's more of a vampire anyway

what

who in the world thought this was sexy or in any shape or form a good idea

shit just looks plain creepy

don't get me wrong I'd still hit it but not when it makes my dick smell like ragu for a week

Rankenphile

looks like bitch had nastiest period like ever

The Geek

PiptheFair wrote: »

man I love Paula Dean

Though I have a general distrust of people with a southern accent, she makes some damn awesome looking completely unhealthy food.

My wife got a recipie from the show for something called a pumpkin gooey butter cake and it is the best dessert I have ever had in my life. Sooooooo good.

neville

Threadbare Sock wrote: »

Alton Brown wrote:

I don't consider myself a chef.

http://www.macworld.com/article/1994/2001/03/buzzbrown.html

Comahawk wrote: »

because they couldn't hack it in a real kitchen.

I think being likeable and presentable on television to a wide audience is a rarer quality than being able to cook.

also stop capitalizing chef, queermo

Yeah, Alton Brown considers himself a teacher, not a "chef."
But that being said he is great. He explains WHY to do something, not just "DO THIS."

That displays a far larger grasp of knowledge to me than Bobby Flay or some of those people.

seizureorbs

Clayton Bigsby wrote: »

Faricazy wrote: »

Giada's more of a vampire anyway

what

who in the world thought this was sexy or in any shape or form a good idea

shit just looks plain creepy

don't get me wrong I'd still hit it but not when it makes my dick smell like ragu for a week

I read your post in chapelle's voice

also

Spoiler:

Metzger Meister

NIGELLA.


NIGELLA

edit: Apparently Giada's the bad-guy from Temple of Doom?

KALI-MAAA! KALI-MAAAAA! SHUK TE DI KALI-MAAAAA!

Clayton Bigsby

PiptheFair wrote: »

man I love Paula Dean

She's not mind-numbingly horrible IMHO but some of that shit is needlessly excessive

And this is coming from a fellow southerner

Rankenphile

man, I love paula dean

just because I was watching her one time and she just straight up took a big old swig of melted butter

and I was all

fuck yes woman be true to your damn self

lostwords

food network aired some special where their personalities paired up to make recipes. It was pretty awesome, except for bobby flay teaming up with giada and it was kinda creepy. Food network in HD is the best, though the new USAHD network i started getting last week is awesome, because fuck yes, law and order SVU on hd all day errday

Redeemer

Rankenphile wrote: »

man, I love paula dean

just because I was watching her one time and she just straight up took a big old swig of melted butter

and I was all

fuck yes woman be true to your damn self

I'm pretty sure she puts butter on her ice cream

neville

yourclothes wrote: »

there are so many variations of that thing

thousands of variations on "we are totally getting this random chick to fuck this dude"

the gays have "bait bus"
it is hilarious and worse than you think ^_^

Redeemer

Is that still even going? It's pretty much the worst

lostwords

neville wrote: »

yourclothes wrote: »

there are so many variations of that thing

thousands of variations on "we are totally getting this random chick to fuck this dude"

the gays have "bait bus"
it is hilarious and worse than you think ^_^

isn't this the one where they lure some unsuspecting "straight" dude with the possibility of scoring with random hot lady, then whoops, switcheroo?

Clayton Bigsby

lostwords wrote: »

neville wrote: »

yourclothes wrote: »

there are so many variations of that thing

thousands of variations on "we are totally getting this random chick to fuck this dude"

the gays have "bait bus"
it is hilarious and worse than you think ^_^

isn't this the one where they lure some unsuspecting "straight" dude with the possibility of scoring with random hot lady, then whoops, switcheroo?

"Oh you say there's a wet t-shirt mud wrestling competition in this hotel room and you want me to be a judge?

Cool, where can I sign u--" SURPRISE DONGER

Redeemer

>A dong appears

Mr. Henry Bemis

>You have been raped by a Grue

Redeemer

Oh god Rachel Ray has a talk show?

It's on right now and some guy is talking about kissing cousins

What is going on

Rankenphile

Exits are: Filled with a dick

ttvp

Rankenphile wrote: »

Exits are: North, South, and Dennis

Satanic Jesus

I'm watching this Alton guy on youtube, seems cool.

The Geek

Seems cool?

Seems cool?

neville

Alton is the coolest.
Someone light the Stale signal.

Nonbelievers, be purged.

Strayth

Rankenphile wrote: »

looks like bitch had nastiest period like ever

God hahahaha.

You guys are really into Alton Brown here. I'll admit he does have a little of a Bill Nyeness about him.

lostwords

anthony bourdain is better