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Bread, Motherfuckers [NEW BREAD, PAGE 4, NSF56K]

sarukunsarukun GornlordInterplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
edited August 2008 in Social Entropy++
Hi, I'm sarukun. You may remember me from such threads as The Book of Phallos, and [Secret Satans '05]: Holy Shit, Sarukun is an Asshole.


Well, forget all that mess. Today, we're baking bread. Why? Because it is a well known fact that any man who can create his own sustinance from the basest of raw materials is completely raw. To wit, I give you the most basic material there is:
howtomakebreadhp9.jpg

A book on how to make bread.


Now that we have the proper tools, let's figure out what we're making.
weremakinthistu6.jpg

Cured Italian pig flesh wrapped in doughy goodness? Oh, we're makin' it up smart..


First thing you need is yeast.
thisissomeyeastkp9.jpg

Yeast lives in bread. It also lives in vaginas, I am told. So if your vagina smells like fresh baked bread, see a doctor.


Yeast, it turns out, looks like some one has a very, very tiny rabbit and collects its poop for a living.
yeastlookslikerabbitpooiu0.jpg

Go figure.



Now we have do to what is called "creaming the yeast". I am convinced amongst professional bakers this is a euphamism for a sexual act of some sort.
creamintheyeastsv8.jpg

"Man, I totally creamed that chick's yeast last night" "You did not, shut up, for real?!"



Now you put the <ahem> creamed yeast in with the flour and you get to stirrin.
stirthatmessez6.jpg

You stir until it is all more or less stirred in.


Now's the fun part. Get your hands dirty!
ohnowhathaveyoudoneyd6.jpg

Now, you might be saying to your computer screen "Sarukun, this does not look like bread. Have you failed?" Well, yes, observant reader, being that this is my first attempt at baking bread from scratch, I most certainly did fuck up. For some reason, there wasn't enough water to absorb all the flour, so I added more, but naturally I added too much. What you see in that photo is the result: way too much fucking water. But is that the end of our tale? Fuck no!


After much fretting and worrying and wondering what to do with my very wet and extremely lumpy dough, I decided that (seeing as how I had no desire to go back to Wal*Mart to get more yeast and start over) I would attempt to knead what I had and see how things went from there. And what do you know, this was a brilliant plan, for the dough quite happily sopped up the small amounts of flour I placed on my hands and on the cutting board, and in such amounts as did not cause a huge difference in consistancy, nor creat lumps. I continued to knead for about a minute or two until I took this picture.
hoorayweresaveduz7.jpg

Now THAT looks like bread dough.


KNEAD THAT MESS, GOD DAMN IT. YOU KNEAD IT DOWN.
kneadthatmesszf5.jpg

There is a technique to kneading. I don't know that technique at all.


Here is a picture of dough and dirty hands.
grossbrora8.jpg

The end result of the dough actually looks much nicer, but I fear it will be far from perfect, asI believe it to be still a little lumpier than it probably should be. It is currrently rising in my kitchen, and will do so for about 45 more minutes.


So, SE++, it's been a while since we had a recipe thread. You may now discuss recipes and other things that have to do with food.

sarukun on
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Posts

  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I hope nobody noticed that the title of this thread was FRECH bread for a while.

  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User
    edited August 2008
    My friend's gynecologist was Dr. Fleischmann

    25jyxzr.jpg
  • Vann DirasVann Diras Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    cooking threads always make me want to cook and make something super tasty

    then I'm like, "we don't have any of the ingredients for that nor do I really have the time to stop and make it"

    I'm not even really hungry

    hm

  • WrenWren Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    apparently I have a certificate that says I'm some bread baker or something

    tf2sig.jpg
    TF2 - Wren BF3: Wren-fu
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    My friend's gynecologist was Dr. Fleischmann

    That is just crazy as hell.

  • VorusVorus Registered User
    edited August 2008
    banana bread is the best bread

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Here is the dough after about 45 minutes of rising.

    risingdoughsv3.jpg

    NOW it's lookin' like dough.

  • FAQFAQ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    oh man

    banana bread

    oh man

  • JedocJedoc Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So has anyone ever found a recipe for homemade Monte Cristo sandwiches that actually works? I've tried several, but none of them has ever included a decent batter. And now that Bennigan's is out, my supply has dried up completely.

    And dammit, sometimes a man just needs a deep-fried club sandwich to make the world make sense.

    cannon.jpg
  • KovakKovak did a lot of drugs married cher?Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    man bread

    a meal of kings

  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User
    edited August 2008
    FAQ wrote: »
    oh man

    banana bread

    oh man

    It's great warm and with a scoop of ice cream

    25jyxzr.jpg
  • FAQFAQ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    FAQ wrote: »
    oh man

    banana bread

    oh man

    It's great warm and with a scoop of ice cream

    that's an intriguing idea

    I've only ever had it with butter :|

  • VorusVorus Registered User
    edited August 2008
    I used to eat banana bread with cheez whiz

    what a terrible idea

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • HallowedFaithHallowedFaith I hate this name. Salt Lake City, UTRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    D1yp707.png
    Nintendo ID: Cloudbomb
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    i support sarukun and i support this thread.

    blackstav.jpg
  • Centipede DamascusCentipede Damascus I didn't want to wake you up but I really want to show you somethingRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    yes, but

    do you possess the hands of the sun?

    yakitatejapan36b4bl.jpg

  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood

    25jyxzr.jpg
  • DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Saru, that is some serious fucking bread.

    Well done.

    Fresh bread is the best stuff. I need a good recipe for a honey wheat. Anyone got one?

    snap02869.jpg "zip, i dunno what it is about you, but there's something very cat-like about your face. i can't really place it. like, a puma or something. you'd make a good mountain lion."
  • KovakKovak did a lot of drugs married cher?Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood


    ahahaha this is such a fantastic scene

  • UnderwhelmingUnderwhelming myMomIsTheJam July 13, 2013 Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I worked at a Lender's Bagel factory for a few months. I fecking LOVED working on cinnamon raisin nights.... *drool* That smell was amazing. And we got all the free bagels we wanted.

    The french toast stick factory was in the same building. We weren't allowed to take those. Too bad for them they were delicious, and deliciousness if my weakness.

    <.<

    >.>

  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Redeemer wrote: »
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood
    stop pretending you're David Sedaris

    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • edited August 2008
    my mum bakes bread quite a lot

    recently she tried some new method where you leave the yeast for like a day or something before you use it, it made pretty odd tasting bread let me tell you

  • JedocJedoc Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So when you really look into how it's made, sourdough is some pretty fucked up stuff.

    cannon.jpg
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    prosciuttorj3.jpg

    With respect to all you people talking about Banana bread, I'm having difficulty imaging just how fucking awesome this prosciutto bread is going to taste. Maybe I'll make banana bread another time, this book has a recipe I'm pretty sure.


    rolledonupkh8.jpg

    Rolled up and set to rise for another 45 minutes.

  • RedeemerRedeemer Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Druhim wrote: »
    Redeemer wrote: »
    Fresh Bread is awesome.
    I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.

    When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL

    And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner

    Childhood
    stop pretending you're David Sedaris

    I was trying to be Jerri

    25jyxzr.jpg
  • ASimPersonASimPerson And protect them from the evils of the world like trigonometry and prime numbers.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    sarukun wrote: »
    http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/9140/prosciuttorj3.jpg

    With respect to all you people talking about Banana bread, I'm having difficulty imaging just how fucking awesome this prosciutto bread is going to taste. Maybe I'll make banana bread another time, this book has a recipe I'm pretty sure.


    http://img86.imageshack.us/img86/8302/rolledonupkh8.jpg

    Rolled up and set to rise for another 45 minutes.

    I have to say, I like where this is going.

    redoctober2.png
    SE++ Forum Battle Archive | PST = Pacific Standard Time | DRUNKSTUCK: A Homestuck recap
  • pinenut_canarypinenut_canary Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Your hands look a lot like my hands.

  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    there's a restaurant downtown called Dahlia's and they have a really good bakery on the side
    I stopped by there for breakfast recently and got what was pretty much the best breakfast sandwich I'd ever had
    they used prosciutto and I don't know what kind of cheese, but it was heavenly

    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • NumeroNumero Registered User
    edited August 2008
    God, I miss being able to eat bread. Every time I do a small part of me dies (namely, parts of my intestinal tract).

    Also, where did you get that awesome looking sheetpan?

  • yourclothesyourclothes __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    when u say fuck its cool

    ssseeee.gif
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Now, it has been said that man cannot live by bread alone; to that end, I give you an unnamed creamsauce that I invented today from a bunch of other creamsauces.

    basilfromtheyardux1.jpg

    All the stuff we use in my mom's spaghetti sauce sans tomatoes. That is fresh basil from our backyard, babies.

    mushroomsev1.jpg

    We're gonna cut these motherfuckers up and put them in the sauce!


    Soon to come: white wine, heavy cream and... Vermouthe!???!??!!!?

  • yourclothesyourclothes __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    here try sayin fuck

    ssseeee.gif
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I sent one of my treasured cheesecake recipes to an Aussie in need last night.
    I hope it is used for good and not evil.
    Or at least terribly awesome evil.

    None of that half-baked shit.

    nevillexmassig1.png
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    creeeeeaaaaaamuz3.jpg
    That's goin into Sausages, mushrooms, onions, garlic, a tinch of oregano, and fresh basil and rosemary from our yard.

    yesawesomeyi8.jpg
    Before Cream


    hellyeswhitesauceew3.jpg
    After Cream


    How's that bread doin'?
    knifedum1.jpg
    It doesn't look street enough. Better take a blade to it.


    slicedir1.jpg
    There we go.


    Now get it in that oven. Preheated to 400, babies.
    indaovenal5.jpg
    Heck yeah.

  • HallowedFaithHallowedFaith I hate this name. Salt Lake City, UTRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Looking good my man!

    Now, when it comes out, which side are you going to butter and have sex with?

    D1yp707.png
    Nintendo ID: Cloudbomb
  • nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    sarukun is a no-recipe-givin' mofo
    and i will not stand for this chicanery.

    nevillexmassig1.png
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Números wrote: »
    God, I miss being able to eat bread. Every time I do a small part of me dies (namely, parts of my intestinal tract).

    Also, where did you get that awesome looking sheetpan?

    My mom says she got it at Ross of all places.

  • HallowedFaithHallowedFaith I hate this name. Salt Lake City, UTRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Ross kicks ass!

    D1yp707.png
    Nintendo ID: Cloudbomb
  • sarukunsarukun Gornlord Interplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    neville wrote: »
    sarukun is a no-recipe-givin' mofo
    and i will not stand for this chicanery.

    3 cups unbleached white bread lfour
    1.5 tsp salt
    .5 oz fresh yeast
    1 cup lukewarm water
    1.5 oz prosciutto (tear into smalle pieces)
    1 tsp freshly ground black pepper


    1. Sift salt and flour in a large bowl and make a well in the center. Cream yeast with 2 tbsp of water, then gradually mix in the rest. Pour into the center of the flour.

    2. Gradually beat in most of the flour with a wooden spoon. Beat gently to begin with and then more vigorously as the batter thickens. After most of the flour has been incorporated, beat in the remainder with your hand to form a moist dough.

    3. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 5 minutes until smooth and elastic. Place in a lightly oiled bowl, cover lightly with oiled saran wrap and leave to rise in a warm place for 1.5 hours, or untiled doubled in bulk.

    4. Turn out and knock back (punch down), then knead for 1 minute. Flatten to a round, then sprinkle with half prosciutto and pepper. Fold in half, and use remaining prosciutto and pepper. Roll up, tucking in the sides.

    5. Place on backing sheet and leave to rise for 30 minutes. On a lightly floured surface, roll into an oval, fold in half and seal the edges. Flatten and fold again. Seal and fold again to make a long loaf.

    6. Roll into a stubby long loaf. Draw out the edges by rolling in both hands. Return to baking sheet and leave rise for 45 minutes, or until doubled. Preheat oven to 400F (Gas 6).

    7. Slash top of loaf diagonally three or four times, and bake for 30 minutes, or until golden. Cool on a wire rack.


    Bam.

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