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Livin' With Whippy: A Survivor's Tale

ShortyShorty JUDGE BROSEFRegistered User regular
edited August 2008 in Singularity Engine++
I live with this guy.

There are times when it is strange.

A few weeks ago, I got home from work, and go into my bathroom to take a shit. When I'm done, I notice that, sitting next to the sink, like it belongs there, like it was always there, is a bar of soap shaped like a cock and balls. We have never spoken of it.


Recently, we had a conversation of both depth and breadth. At one point, he said that he would, "do whatever with a girl sixteen or older; or younger." The semicolon was noticeable even verbally.


He has a cat. This cat? Huge asshole. He shits on the floor, and I swear he does it just because he knows that one of us is going to have to clean it up. Watch this, he says to the other cat. One of these assholes is going to pick my poop up off the floor, and it's going to be awesome. He watches as he lounges on a stack of comic book boxes, and I sit on the couch, hating him to death.


We were watching The Incredibles, and he says, "Violet is hot." I say, "Sure, I guess." He says, "I just got you to admit that a twelve year old cartoon girl is hot. That's fucked up, man."


The cat has a tendency to get on the kitchen counter when nobody is looking and lick whatever fatty foods are currently sitting there. He thoroughly enjoys bacon. I really can't fault him for that one. Bacon is pretty incredible.


He puts up decorations for upcoming holidays. The decorations do not come down. "They'll come around again," he says.


When we go out in public together, he likes to make people think we're a gay couple. It doesn't work as well as he thinks, because no self-respecting gay man would wear socks with sandals outside of the house.


One time I get home from work, and he says, "Let me show you what I bought today." He draws attention to his belt, a loud affair covered in rainbow dinosaurs. The buckle is actually a seatbelt buckle from an old Ford. "Holy shit," I say. "Look at that shit. You know what the best part about that is? You put on your pants in the morning, buckle up, and say, 'It's gonna be a bumpy ride.'"


He takes unfair advantage of my paranoia. He'll walk into the living room and say, "Playing Metal Gear, huh? Havin' fun playing that Metal Gear? How's that Metal Gear going for you? Is that Metal Gear awesome?" What the fuck did he do to my Metal Gear? Has his cock been on it?


He, my girlfriend and I were hanging out, watching a movie. He's eating a Twinkie, and asks if she wants one. Apparently, she's never had a Twinkie before. "I think you should have one," he says. She tries one, and she hates it, she's halfway through, can barely even finish what she's got in her mouth, and he goes, "Yeah. Chew it." He draws it out, slow, like he's molesting the words in the bathroom at Bojangles. "Please don't say things like that to my girlfriend."


I'm sitting in the living room watching TV or possibly playing videogames, and he comes out of his room. He asks me, "Do you want to see something incredible?" There is no right answer here. "Sure," I say, preparing myself for the worst. We go into his room, to his computer, where there is an embedded video on a porno site sitting there. "This is amazing." He pushes play. It's a big tit porno compilation...set to Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra. It starts off weird, utterly inappropriately, and becomes even weirder as, incredibly, they get to the hardcore action, and the girls' tits bounce perfectly in time with the music. He gets a weird, profound joy out of this.


It was really fucking hot here a few weeks ago, and he comes into my room at around 2 AM, wanting to go to wal-mart and get some fans. "No, I don't shop at wal-mart. I hate it there, and I have moral objections." "That is some poncey bullshit. Come on, you're going to wal-mart, or I'm taking my pants off right here." "You go to wal-mart. Have fun. You buy the shit out of some fans. I'll be right here, playing videogames." He unbuckles his belt, dramatically. It's easy to imagine him in a bizarre porno, the sort of thing you'd find in the bowels of the internet, the sort of thing that ends in a girl puking all over some guy's dong. "You are not taking your pants off, and I am not going to wal-mart." Thankfully, I was right.


Once, I got home from work, and he was having sex with his girlfriend with their bedroom door open. "Animals!" I shout. Mid-coital laughter ensues.


He has preposterously good luck. I walked into the living room, and he's playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game Game for the Game Boy, via a Super Game Boy. I watched him flip heads nine times in a row. I'm fairly sure he would have kept getting heads indefinitely, but he stopped playing.


He gets unearthly joy from portmanteaus. I made a villain in City of Villains. The name he suggested was Killquetoast.


I have a rather extensive collection of nutcrackers. The christmas ones. He tells this to nearly everyone. "He has a rather extensive collection of nutcrackers," he says, and usually starts laughing uncontrollably.


A friend of mine was recently going through some rough times, and was essentially wandering the county on foot, trying to straighten his head out. Whippy recommended that he get arrested. "Three hots and a cot," he says.


Edit: For the sake of clarity, I'd just like to say that I'm not complaining. Every day that I live with Whippy is a day where I have the opportunity to witness something deeply interesting.

Shorty on
chillaxton.jpg
and I broke parole just to get to you
HenroidWho-PsydReynoldsGandalf_the_CrazedTheRoadVirusToxSporkAndrewBYToadyCentipede DamascusVegemyte
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Posts

  • TrellTrell __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    I'm not going to read that and assume it's more or less a summary of "Surviving Nugent"

    ori's modding is stupid and arbitrary and based on no actual rule system but rather wind patterns and astrology.
    ·
  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I once played Pokemon D/P with Whippy via wifi and he told me he was playing naked does he do this often confirm/deny.

    headthrown.jpg
    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
    ·
  • ShortyShorty JUDGE BROSEF Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    I once played Pokemon D/P with Whippy via wifi and he told me he was playing naked does he do this often confirm/deny.

    It seems well within the realm of possibility.

    chillaxton.jpg
    and I broke parole just to get to you
    ·
  • FaricazyFaricazy Registered User
    edited August 2008
    thanks for the warning

    ·
  • Volucrisus AedriusVolucrisus Aedrius Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    "three hots and a cot" might be the best thing ever

    Dex Dynamo wrote: »
    Keith wrote:
    What would be your ultimate slam dunk??
    I would dunk it so hard my parents would love each other again
    ·
  • MarathonMarathon Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    It sounds like living with Whippy is awesome.

    Dumb Hero wrote: »
    "Okay, you take 2d4 damage from the ogre's dick impaling your 2inch anus"
    Satan! Look here!
    ·
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Marathon wrote: »
    It sounds like living with Whippy is awesome.
    For me it is that reading about living with Whippy is awesome

    Good post Shorty! :^:

    Rather you than me!

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
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  • KnobKnob TURN THE BEAT BACK InternetModerator mod
    edited August 2008
    i thought everyone had the cock and balls soap

    ·
  • ShortyShorty JUDGE BROSEF Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I catalogue the stranger bits of one man's life so that no one else has to.

    I'm like a profoundly stupid journalist.

    chillaxton.jpg
    and I broke parole just to get to you
    ·
  • NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Shorty, the OP made me laugh so hard I was in tears. I can't even see what I'm typing right now, I'm relying on my typing skills.

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  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I have now reported two posts to the awesome posts forum, and both times they have been Shorty's.

    I guess I never really realised how much I have appreciated Shorty's posts up until now.

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
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  • ShortyShorty JUDGE BROSEF Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Thank you both. Most of the credit should go to Whippy, for being so delightfully interesting.

    chillaxton.jpg
    and I broke parole just to get to you
    ·
  • Indie WinterIndie Winter shape shifting master of darkness Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    ok, i'm now in tears

    the porno one

    and the wal-mart/pants one

    just started crying from laughing so hard

    real tears, too

    not that misty eyed bullshit

    MORE

    I MUST HAVE MORE

    RCmKIvs.gif
    indie_winter on PS4
    ·
  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY EVERY DAYRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I didn't know you lived with whippy wtf

    am i the only person that doesn't live or regularly hang out with another forumer anymore

    xcomsig.png
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  • the cheatthe cheat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    i would go gay for whippy. that card.

    cheeseburger.jpg
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  • the cheatthe cheat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    I didn't know you lived with whippy wtf

    am i the only person that doesn't live or regularly hang out with another forumer anymore

    duuuuude, you should come over and bring some booze or some weed or something!

    cheeseburger.jpg
    ·
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    I didn't know you lived with whippy wtf

    am i the only person that doesn't live or regularly hang out with another forumer anymore
    Christmas shenanigans this year, m'dear?

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
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  • PikaPuffPikaPuff Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    His cat puts up decorations for the holidays?

    ·
  • the cheatthe cheat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    oh fallout, will you be my date to janson and mori's wedding?! pwetty pweeze?

    cheeseburger.jpg
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  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    This is fucking amazing.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
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  • ShortyShorty JUDGE BROSEF Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    We were discussing some of the hotel room arrangements at the upcoming PAX. I draw attention to one of the rooms, because the drama potential is truly astounding. I tell him who is staying there. He is temporarily stunned. "Wha...but..ah...dude." "There are dark forces at work here." "It is a confluence of events!"

    chillaxton.jpg
    and I broke parole just to get to you
    ·
  • Filler Inc.Filler Inc. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    He, my girlfriend and I were hanging out, watching a movie. He's eating a Twinkie, and asks if she wants one. Apparently, she's never had a Twinkie before. "I think you should have one," he says. She tries one, and she hates it, she's halfway through, can barely even finish what she's got in her mouth, and he goes, "Yeah. Chew it." He draws it out, slow, like he's molesting the words in the bathroom at Bojangles. "Please don't say things like that to my girlfriend."

    This is the best thing in the world.

    TheRoadVirus
    ·
  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY EVERY DAYRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    the cheat wrote: »
    Fallout wrote: »
    I didn't know you lived with whippy wtf

    am i the only person that doesn't live or regularly hang out with another forumer anymore

    duuuuude, you should come over and bring some booze or some weed or something!

    Okay! Once I get my car :o
    Janson wrote: »
    Fallout wrote: »
    I didn't know you lived with whippy wtf

    am i the only person that doesn't live or regularly hang out with another forumer anymore
    Christmas shenanigans this year, m'dear?

    oh, i could be convinced :o
    the cheat wrote: »
    oh fallout, will you be my date to janson and mori's wedding?! pwetty pweeze?

    oh necessarily

    xcomsig.png
    ·
  • MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    He, my girlfriend and I were hanging out, watching a movie. He's eating a Twinkie, and asks if she wants one. Apparently, she's never had a Twinkie before. "I think you should have one," he says. She tries one, and she hates it, she's halfway through, can barely even finish what she's got in her mouth, and he goes, "Yeah. Chew it." He draws it out, slow, like he's molesting the words in the bathroom at Bojangles. "Please don't say things like that to my girlfriend."

    This is the best thing in the world.

    Indubitably.

    14271f3c-c765-4e74-92b1-49d7612675f2.jpg
    ·
  • NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Hanging out with forumers is homoooooosexual.

    3c5d24e9-b7f2-44ba-bbf2-3b4658af70bd.jpg
    ·
  • noobertnoobert Registered User
    edited August 2008
    This makes whippy more awesome.

    ·
  • godmodegodmode Nooo-ooo-ooo... That ain't dancin', SallyRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Shorty wrote: »
    You put on your pants in the morning, buckle up, and say, 'It's gonna be a bumpy ride.'"

    :lol: This part was my favorite

    ·
  • JunpeiJunpei Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    this is the best thread

    facebook.pngsteam.pngyoutube.pngtwitter.png
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  • PoorochondriacPoorochondriac Ah, man Ah, jeezRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    HEY WHIPPY PICKED ME UP IN SEATTLE AND DROVE ME HALF A DAMN HOUR SO I COULD PLAY SOME WII AND CRASH ON HIS COUCH

    I GUESS THAT IS TECHNICALLY YOUR APARTMENT TOO, BUT STILL

    I WILL HEAR NO SHIT-TALKING OF WHIPPY. HE IS HELLA RAD, AND HAD ME BUSTING A GUT WHENEVER WE WERE BANTERING.

    ·
  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY EVERY DAYRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    how many guts did you have

    xcomsig.png
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  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    somebody call the ambulance!!

    ive busted my 3rd gut!

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
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  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY EVERY DAYRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    holyfffff

    sorry man

    you'se a goner

    xcomsig.png
    ·
  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    nah, ive to 2 to spare

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
    ·
  • PoorochondriacPoorochondriac Ah, man Ah, jeezRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    how many guts did you have
    I'M LIKE A COW

    SEVEN GUTS, WHAT WHAT

    BUT NOW I CAN'T CHEW ANY MORE CUD

    WHAT A GYP

    ·
  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    how many guts did you have
    I'M LIKE A COW

    SEVEN GUTS, WHAT WHAT

    BUT NOW I CAN'T CHEW ANY MORE CUD

    WHAT A GYP

    cows have 4 stomachs

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
    ·
  • MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    god, this made me laugh so hard I cried. I can't wait to see this giant motherfucker again.

    ·
  • Spectre-xSpectre-x Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Erin and I had a lot of fun hanging out with you guys. It was good times.

    good times

    Sig_link_image.jpg
    ·
  • PoorochondriacPoorochondriac Ah, man Ah, jeezRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    how many guts did you have
    I'M LIKE A COW

    SEVEN GUTS, WHAT WHAT

    BUT NOW I CAN'T CHEW ANY MORE CUD

    WHAT A GYP

    cows have 4 stomachs
    I SAID I WAS LIKE A COW

    NOT THAT I WAS A COW

    WHERE IS YOUR READING COMPREHENSION

    ·
  • MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Some folk can't comprehend all caps. Not me though. I get you.

    14271f3c-c765-4e74-92b1-49d7612675f2.jpg
    ·
  • CrackedLensCrackedLens Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    how many guts did you have
    I'M LIKE A COW

    SEVEN GUTS, WHAT WHAT

    BUT NOW I CAN'T CHEW ANY MORE CUD

    WHAT A GYP

    cows have 4 stomachs
    I SAID I WAS LIKE A COW

    NOT THAT I WAS A COW

    WHERE IS YOUR READING COMPREHENSION

    i got my metephors and my similes all discombobulated

    XBoxLive Gamertag: ZombieKyle Secret Satan Wishlist
    ·
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