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Revolution!
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It has been a while since I have written anything worth reading. I like writing a lot, I'm just lazy. Today, I forced my self to work on an idea I had. The idea was to tell the story of a revolution. After settling upon a time period and country (near future, United States), I started writing. This is what I have so far. I'm looking for crits of any kind, tell me where I went wrong and what I did right. Tell me whatever you think. I'm wanting to turn this into something pretty long, and this is only the very beginning. I want to fix any flaws before I get further. So, here you go:
ᅟᅟAn account of the times in the United States of America after the One Day War begins with the war itself. The war, if that word can even be used to describe this event, destroyed many major cities in the United States. China, the main aggressor, hit Washington, D.C. first, proving that American missile defenses were inept. The United States immediately retaliated, launching its weapons at strategic targets on Chinese soil. China, shown to be equally incapable of defense, was struck hard. In the end, the One Day War was a battle of speed and endurance, a battle that the Chinese lost spectacularly.
ᅟᅟTwo days after the Exchange, then-President John Doe called for his immediate instatement as permanent leader of the United States indefinitely. Supporters of this action claimed it was necessary to get the severely wounded country back on its feet. It was said that frivolous things like elections would only hamper America’s recovery. Detractors, few in number as they were, said that in dangerous such as these it was important to remember the ideals that the United States was founded on. In the end it was done and the Constitution was amended, allowing the President to become permanent.
ᅟᅟOnce in power, President Doe wasted no time in disbanding Congress and changing the Constitution as he saw fit, all in the name of a speedy recovery. It is only temporarily, the people were told…
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ᅟᅟI lean back, frustrated with my terrible handwriting. I try again to use my shaking hand to set pen to paper, failing that, and finally conceding to the trembling. If only I could use a keyboard, at least that would allow what I’ve written to be read. Not that I ever intend for it to be read, for this is only a pointless exercise that the doctor assigned me to help control my tremors.
ᅟᅟI turn my head to face the window and watch the snow falling outside, wrapping the world in a blanket of powder. It reminds me of the day, the day it all changed, the day the dominos started falling, the day the first card was played, the day the first pawn was moved, white against black. I am surprised to find that I am the only one alive who knows, who remembers. The story should be told. I now have something worth writing.
ᅟᅟThe boy brings in a cup of coffee for me. I take a sip and place it on the table. Putting my elbow on the chair’s armrest, I position my chin in my hand and reflect. Where to begin, how to start telling the story of the man whose deeds changed the world?
And that's all I have. After I get some crits from you guys, I'm going to start on the actual story story, and I'll post some of that too. EDIT: John Doe as the name of the president is temporary. I need to think of a good name, and I didn't want to get hung up on naming.
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In general this is a little bare-bones to criticize meaningfully. I demand more!
To my understanding, a country's nuclear "defenses" are actually exactly what you've described - a system of retaliation and mutually-assured destruction.
I'm not sure I understand the purpose of naming the president John Doe. A "John Doe" is an unidentifiable person, where if anything, your president is hardly unidentifiable.
Generally, again, I just need to see more before I can make a meaninful assessment.
Ok, thanks. Yeah, I realize that it's kind of bare, I'm hoping to expand and improve very soon. I just wanted to make sure there are no dire style problems already evident that need to be fixed. I'll probably post more tomorrow, if not, I'll definitely be working on it. As for defenses, I've heard about some anti-missile missiles, but I wanted it seem like that what ever they have developed so far, it was ineffective.
As for the naming, I forgot to mention it was temporary. I take a while to think of names and I didn't want to get hung up on it.
Hope to have more soon.
dominos falling, first card played, and pawn moved. Remember George Orwell said that one of the things a writer should keep in mind: Is this image fresh enough to have an effect?
It's just my humble opinion, and I am no great writer, so take what I say with a grain of salt.