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Terrible Sex

YaYaYaYa Rick and Morty forever and ever 100 years!a100timesRickandMorty.comRegistered User regular
edited September 2008 in Social Entropy++
so earlier tonight I was going down on my girlfriend

and I rip a huge fart

and I don't mean huge as in magnitude

everything about this fart was large

the duration, the volume, the smell

the timbre reminded one of a particularly rousing Sousa anthem

we literally laughed so hard we nearly threw up

so post your awful sex stories here guys

YaYa on
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Posts

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Beav what's a ladyboner? :o

    Death to PA.
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've never had bad sex

    Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I and do it so much it's losing some of it's panache, though

    reposig.jpg
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've had quite a few really bad sex experiences.

    There was the time where I was really terribly drunk and in a bad way after the death of a boyfriend, and I was over at his best friend's house sleeping it off on the couch being too drunk and weepy to make it home.

    I woke up in the middle of the night gagging and there was his dick in my mouth.

    synth i kind of want to laugh
    but that's really tragic about the loss of your boyfriend :(

    but i still want to laugh
    about the dick in your mouth.

    edit: well a ladyboner is...
    jesus. i...
    how do you explain this to a gay man?

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

    what if the dude was talking like macho man randy savage?

    or hulk hogan?


    LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BROTHER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AT SUMMER-SLAM AND HULKAMANIA'S GONNA BE RUNNIN' WILD ON YOUR PUSSY OH YEEEEAAAAAH.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

    oh jesus the fucking dragon and when all the scourge get the frostmourne bluey glow coming out of their mouths
    oh god oh god oh god.

    yes yes yes

    if I ever get to play a game that looks as good as that cinematic I will be able to die happier than any man

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Nah, it's years and years ago. Even I can laugh about what happened after, me running down the street in the middle of the night, pants down my ankles, ablooablooablooing.

    Death to PA.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay

    Yet another dream crushed. Well done fags. 8-)

    Death to PA.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

    what if the dude was talking like macho man randy savage?

    or hulk hogan?


    LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BROTHER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AT SUMMER-SLAM AND HULKAMANIA'S GONNA BE RUNNIN' WILD ON YOUR PUSSY OH YEEEEAAAAAH.

    oh shit that would be awesome

    i think i need to just be dating you guys, se++
    so let's get to it
    let's date

    Synth: sig'd so hard.

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    I kinda want to see a lady boner.

    Spoiler:
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay

    Yet another dream crushed. Well done fags. 8-)

    he's so much better now that he's gay though
    before he was all emo and mopey and that's what i liked about him because you know, high school.
    he also was a huge jock that wore sweatpants and tee-shirts he got from volunteering at the local children's hospital a lot.
    now he's tan and does his hair and fights with me over who gets dibs on dancing all up on hot guys in bars
    usually it's a coin flip
    or we just tag team them.

  • ultraexactzzultraexactzz BLEASCHMNN Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dadouw wrote: »
    But what was he doing on your girlfriend's couch!

    His girlfriend was so pissed that she locked the bedroom door behind him. So he was locked out of his own room. (!) He figured he'd go to my girlfriend's house, and either A) I'd have a key, or B) he could lay low for a night.

    Wisely, he chose B. They broke up a few weeks later, but more because she was a bitch than because of this little faux pas.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    My first time was with my current girlfriend of just over a year

    She is going away to college in two weeks and I don't know if I can really see that lasting but I sure hope so

    reposig.jpg
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?
    1218706388015.gif
    EMERGENCY HILARIOUS GIF.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    A lady boner is a really nice tingly feeling in the pants

    Actually I can't really describe it better than that

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
  • Caulk Bite 6Caulk Bite 6 Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bloods End wrote: »
    I mostly just sing Disney movie songs.

    I want to be... Part of your world...

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?
    1218706388015.gif
    EMERGENCY HILARIOUS GIF.

    oh god, thank you

  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've kinda faked orgasms as a guy

    sc.jpgsc.jpg
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.

    Spoiler:
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.


    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?

    Hey same here!
    H5!

    Spoiler:
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.
    ahahaha

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Janson wrote: »
    A lady boner is a really nice tingly feeling in the pants

    Actually I can't really describe it better than that

    no yeah that's ... that's it in a nutshell

    kinda like a rush of "oh.. yeah that... i like that okay, i'm... interested, my interest is piqued let's uh, let's see where this is going!"

    so with watching the WotLK trailer it was like:

    oh yeah, nice okay... the... alright, frostmourne is getting it's glow that's... yeah okay, I'm feeling it, I'm interested Blizzard, you've got my attention and uh... what's this now? something, okay something's coming out of the ice? This is, yeah alright this is good, I see where this is headed and I'm with you on the journey and OH FUCK, GIANT DRAGON COME OUT OF THE ICE AND GETS ALL FROSTMOURNE GLOWY? WOOOOO! Alright, I am on board Blizzard, you have...really got my full att- SCOURGE ARE GETTING GLOWY EYES AND MOUTH STUFF tingle has reached maximum. Lady Boner achieved.

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Go Zombot!

    Death to PA.
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Janson wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.
    ahahaha

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The only experience I've ever had, being a "robust" individual, that could even be construed as sexual was a hilariously awkward truth or dare makeout.

    I was picked to make out with this girl named Beth who, at the time, looked like a 12 year old boy. This did not perturb me, because I was like "woo kisses!" So I go in for the kiss, and smash our teeth together. Hard. Like... one of my front teeth was chipped. And then she kneed me in the balls.

    And that's why I am eating myself to death.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • Bloods EndBloods End Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Caulk Bite wrote: »
    Bloods End wrote: »
    I mostly just sing Disney movie songs.

    I want to be... Part of your world...

    60% of the time, it works every time.

    Ladies.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Skull ManSkull Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I got punched in the eye once

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The only experience I've ever had, being a "robust" individual, that could even be construed as sexual was a hilariously awkward truth or dare makeout.

    I was picked to make out with this girl named Beth who, at the time, looked like a 12 year old boy. This did not perturb me, because I was like "woo kisses!" So I go in for the kiss, and smash our teeth together. Hard. Like... one of my front teeth was chipped. And then she kneed me in the balls.

    And that's why I am eating myself to death.

    20041007PizzaTheHut.jpg

    reposig.jpg
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    Skull Man wrote: »
    I got punched in the eye once

    I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    The only experience I've ever had, being a "robust" individual, that could even be construed as sexual was a hilariously awkward truth or dare makeout.

    I was picked to make out with this girl named Beth who, at the time, looked like a 12 year old boy. This did not perturb me, because I was like "woo kisses!" So I go in for the kiss, and smash our teeth together. Hard. Like... one of my front teeth was chipped. And then she kneed me in the balls.

    And that's why I am eating myself to death.

    20041007PizzaTheHut.jpg

    NO POSTING PICS OF PEOPLE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. >:|

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • Skull ManSkull Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    yeah but did you do all that during sex?

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Skull Man wrote: »
    yeah but did you do all that during sex?

    Would that surprise you

    it wouldn't surprise me

    reposig.jpg
  • Caulk Bite 6Caulk Bite 6 Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    Skull Man wrote: »
    I got punched in the eye once

    I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.

    Was that while you were in prison?

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Seriously Urian, you have the life story of a guy in a Tom Waits song.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • crwthcrwth IDIOT NEWS Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

  • Tweaked_Bat_Tweaked_Bat_ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Some guy that I had only been dating for like 2 weeks whispered that he loved me during sex and I burst out laughing

    it was awful and I felt bad but my instincts to laugh were far stronger than my instincts to be a compassionate person. There is a lesson to be learned here. Don't fall in love with me boys, 9 times out of 10 I will only break your fragile young hearts.

    Hooo boy that's a mistake. I would've reacted in a similar fashion if someone I'd known for two weeks said that during sex.

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    crwth wrote: »
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    This

    A thousand times this

    reposig.jpg
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