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Terrible Sex

1356764

Posts

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I haven't seen that movie in such a long time...

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I have never seen that movie because i thought it'd be dumb like most other christmas movies.

    actually now that i think of it, christmas movies are pretty good
    what was i thinking?

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  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    There needs to be more Channuka movies.

    Spoiler:
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    There needs to be more Channuka movies.

    That don't star Adam Sandler.

    Maybe.

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    Spoiler:
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    8 Crazy Nights was, all right.

    Spoiler:
  • JedocJedoc Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    My junior year in college, four of my friends were living in a little house just off campus. They had this ongoing war involving a Softee Bat. If you've never seen one, it's this stubby little baseball bat covered in padding, usually with a specific team's logo on it. It's basically a cardboard tube underneath, so it's light enough and soft enough that if you hit somebody really hard it'll leave a deep bruise, but won't do any real damage.

    The rules of the game required the bat to be on the mantle at all times unless someone was actively engaged in a plan to hit somebody with it. If you walked into their house and it was gone, you were better off just turning around and leaving, because they were waiting somewhere to ambush you with it. In the finest traditions of violence-based games, if they could take one good crack at you and then get the bat back up on the mantle, they were immune to any reprisal. If the victim tackled the attacker before they could get back to the mantle, a savage beating generally ensued.

    Anyway, one of the guys and me walked into the house one day and his roommate was just going at it in his room. With the door open, because the dude and his girlfriend were friggin' animals. Since the guy had his booty music playing at full blast and was a little preoccupied besides, they didn't notice us.

    My buddy motions for me to be quiet, takes the bat off the shelf, and sneaks up to the door. Then he army-crawls up to the foot of the bed. Since it's summertime and the couple are (as has been noted) animals, there aren't many blankets involved.

    So the guy with the bat jumps to his feet and, without a sound, whirls the bat over his head Conan the Barbarian style and lands the most perfect shot square across the dude's ass in mid-stroke. It sounded like a gunshot. Then you've got one guy laughing his ass off and scrambling for the mantle, a naked guy screaming obscenities and trying to get his feet untangled from the sheets so he can commit murder and the girl screaming bloody murder and trying to dive under the blankets.

    The guy ended up with this perfect bar-shaped bruise across both cheeks that was almost black in places. I think it's still acknowledged to this day that the guy who landed that shot won the bat war once and for all.

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  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Beautiful story.

    Spoiler:
  • Skull ManSkull Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
  • Waka LakaWaka Laka ゲームセンターCX! 課長 ON!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    About a year ago I came home from a night out with my girlfriend at the time to the place I was staying. The rent was cheap, but I had to live with this older guy ( in his 50s or something ) thank fuck it was temporary.

    Anyway I had cooked up dinner and spent some time in the park across the street with my girl, the usual lay on the grass and look at the stars stuff. She started hugging me and saying "I'm getting cold" and guided my hand up her shirt, the next thing we knew things were starting up and I rushed home with her, luckily the older guy was out. We both ran to my room and started getting down and dirty. We were both enjoying ourselves and I had just finished going down on my girl when she told me to go full ball. We went for it and she started with the usual moaning and groaning and grabbing, a small squeal came out of her, but she said "Stop stop wait that wasn't me!"

    I heard scared whimperings and we were both huffing and puffing soaked in sweat. "That wasn't you?" She ran up to turn the night light on and there was sobbing and scraping coming from under the bed, turns out the old man's 5 year old grandson was hiding under the bed in a very narrow space and we hurt his back. As he was coming out from under the bed, my closet door also opened and there was his 7 year old sister with a shocked look on her face. She went and grabbed the little boy and they both walked out whimpering and pale as snow. Turns out they were sleeping over and playing hide and seek, whats worse is they told the old bloke ( who just went down the road to pick some cigarettes up ) and I had to explain what happened.

    Seriously embarrasing.

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    That is a fantastic story, man

    I am laughing so hard now

    [edit] this was t jedoc

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  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    jedoc: amazing

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  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Best story in the world.

    Spoiler:
  • Skull ManSkull Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    that's horrible, but not your fault

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Waka: Holy fucking shit, this story wins the thread.

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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Waka Laka wrote: »
    About a year ago I came home from a night out with my girlfriend at the time to the place I was staying. The rent was cheap, but I had to live with this older guy ( in his 50s or something ) thank fuck it was temporary.

    Anyway I had cooked up dinner and spent some time in the park across the street with my girl, the usual lay on the grass and look at the stars stuff. She started hugging me and saying "I'm getting cold" and guided my hand up her shirt, the next thing we knew things were starting up and I rushed home with her, luckily the older guy was out. We both ran to my room and started getting down and dirty. We were both enjoying ourselves and I had just finished going down on my girl when she told me to go full ball. We went for it and she started with the usual moaning and groaning and grabbing, a small squeal came out of her, but she said "Stop stop wait that wasn't me!"

    I heard scared whimperings and we were both huffing and puffing soaked in sweat. "That wasn't you?" She ran up to turn the night light on and there was sobbing and scraping coming from under the bed, turns out the old man's 5 year old grandson was hiding under the bed in a very narrow space and we hurt his back. As he was coming out from under the bed, my closet door also opened and there was his 7 year old sister with a shocked look on her face. She went and grabbed the little boy and they both walked out whimpering and pale as snow. Turns out they were sleeping over and playing hide and seek, whats worse is they told the old bloke ( who just went down the road to pick some cigarettes up ) and I had to explain what happened.

    Seriously embarrasing.

    Bahah, this is pretty funny too.

    I was in my friend's shed a few years ago he had converted into our place to hang out, and we had been hotboxing it for a few hours, so it reeked of pot. This random little kid, we had no idea who he was, opened the door up randomly and all this smoke came pouring out and he was like, "It smells really funny in here!" and we all just sort of scrambled to close the door and tell him to screw off

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  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Oh man!

    Those poor traumatised kids (not that it was your fault).

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  • BranuBranu Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Waka Laka wrote: »
    About a year ago I came home from a night out with my girlfriend at the time to the place I was staying. The rent was cheap, but I had to live with this older guy ( in his 50s or something ) thank fuck it was temporary.

    Anyway I had cooked up dinner and spent some time in the park across the street with my girl, the usual lay on the grass and look at the stars stuff. She started hugging me and saying "I'm getting cold" and guided my hand up her shirt, the next thing we knew things were starting up and I rushed home with her, luckily the older guy was out. We both ran to my room and started getting down and dirty. We were both enjoying ourselves and I had just finished going down on my girl when she told me to go full ball. We went for it and she started with the usual moaning and groaning and grabbing, a small squeal came out of her, but she said "Stop stop wait that wasn't me!"

    I heard scared whimperings and we were both huffing and puffing soaked in sweat. "That wasn't you?" She ran up to turn the night light on and there was sobbing and scraping coming from under the bed, turns out the old man's 5 year old grandson was hiding under the bed in a very narrow space and we hurt his back. As he was coming out from under the bed, my closet door also opened and there was his 7 year old sister with a shocked look on her face. She went and grabbed the little boy and they both walked out whimpering and pale as snow. Turns out they were sleeping over and playing hide and seek, whats worse is they told the old bloke ( who just went down the road to pick some cigarettes up ) and I had to explain what happened.

    Seriously embarrasing.

    Goddamn, that puts my couple instances of whisky dick to shame.

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Dude fucked so hard, he broke a kids back.
    Truly a story for all of mankind.

    Spoiler:
  • Waka LakaWaka Laka ゲームセンターCX! 課長 ON!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The kid ended up ok, but there were cuts and marks on his back from the springs sticking out of the bottom. His mother came over the day after to pick them up and looked at me like I was some sort of monster. No words just glares and hush hush "move on kids" gestures.

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    To be fair, that stupid kid should have moved when he realized there were people on the bed

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  • Skull ManSkull Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    he probably thought he was being real funny

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    He probably thought the boogieman was after him.

    Spoiler:
  • ZyrelaxZyrelax Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Waka Laka wrote: »
    The kid ended up ok, but there were cuts and marks on his back from the springs sticking out of the bottom. His mother came over the day after to pick them up and looked at me like I was some sort of monster. No words just glares and hush hush "move on kids" gestures.

    You monster, not checking for errant waifs in your own room before addressing your base urges. Everyone checks under the bed before engaging in sex, everyone.

  • JedocJedoc Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zyrelax wrote: »
    Waka Laka wrote: »
    The kid ended up ok, but there were cuts and marks on his back from the springs sticking out of the bottom. His mother came over the day after to pick them up and looked at me like I was some sort of monster. No words just glares and hush hush "move on kids" gestures.

    You monster, not checking for errant waifs in your own room before addressing your base urges. Everyone checks under the bed before engaging in sex, everyone.

    Well shit, now I'm going to.

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  • ZyrelaxZyrelax Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    That's what makes you a great man Jedoc. You're willing to make the extra effort, reducing the incidence of sex accidents that cripple 25,000 unattended orphans a year.

  • JoonJoon Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Underneath my bed is too cluttered with shit to hide any children.

    My girlfriend and I have fucked with the window open to a decently trafficked road before, just because it was too damn hot in that room. Some strangers hearing her out on the sidewalk is probably the most inter-coital contact we've had with other people.

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  • JedocJedoc Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zyrelax wrote: »
    That's what makes you a great man Jedoc. You're willing to make the extra effort, reducing the incidence of sex accidents that cripple 25,000 unattended orphans a year.

    Crippling orphans by accident is in direct violation of my contract. It's pretty much all union these days.

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  • ZyrelaxZyrelax Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've heard the paperwork to clear that up is hell.

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The cops caught me and my girlfriend mid-coitus in her car once. It was actually pretty awesome. It was a man and a woman, and the woman asked me "Sorry, did you at least finish up?" and I was like "Nope" and she was like "That sucks. Sorry."

    The male cop then told us that "some nosy bitch" called them on us. He then, I shit you not, gave us directions to a better place to have sex in a car. He was like "I don't wanna deal with this, so just go here to avoid anyone else if you wanna do it." The lady cop then gave me a sort of winky look and they both got in their car.

    The best part was that they didn't say shit about the two 40's in the back seat, nor did they ask to look in my pockets which had weed and a bowl in 'em.

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  • ComahawkComahawk Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    The cops caught me and my girlfriend mid-coitus in her car once. It was actually pretty awesome. It was a man and a woman, and the woman asked me "Sorry, did you at least finish up?" and I was like "Nope" and she was like "That sucks. Sorry."

    The male cop then told us that "some nosy bitch" called them on us. He then, I shit you not, gave us directions to a better place to have sex in a car. He was like "I don't wanna deal with this, so just go here to avoid anyone else if you wanna do it." The lady cop then gave me a sort of winky look and they both got in their car.

    The best part was that they didn't say shit about the two 40's in the back seat, nor did they ask to look in my pockets which had weed and a bowl in 'em.

    The police generally don't give a shit about stuff like that. I did a ride along a while ago when i was interested in joining the RCMP and while driving to one spot the officer I was with commented about constantly finding people trying to have sex there. He just kind of rolled his eyes about it, got the impression they just chased them off all the time.

    Also, reading this thread reminds me I need to get out more often...

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • JoonJoon Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Are most of the people doing it outside doing it there for fun or because they don't have a suitable bed to do it in?

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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I was there 'cus we had nowhere else to go.

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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Well the thing is, I am starting to think that maybe I'm not a nice girl
    cause the nice ones are all weepy and mushy and want to hold hands and cuddle
    and I just wanna fucking play my video games and not be touched unless it's to have sex when I fucking feel like it so get away from me you whiny douches.

    do you see what I mean?
    I'm not a nice girl :( :(
    how do I remedy this?
    first thing I should do is stop hanging around the internet so much.
    maaaaaan
    don't worry about being a "nice" girl

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  • Skull ManSkull Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've only ever liked girls who veiled their attraction to me with contempt

  • StoverStover Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Skull Man wrote: »
    I've only ever liked girls who veiled their attraction to me with contempt

    Hillary Clinton.

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  • ComahawkComahawk Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Joon wrote: »
    Are most of the people doing it outside doing it there for fun or because they don't have a suitable bed to do it in?

    I'd say it is probably 50/50... Some people like the rush and others are high school kids I guess.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Comahawk wrote: »
    Joon wrote: »
    Are most of the people doing it outside doing it there for fun or because they don't have a suitable bed to do it in?

    I'd say it is probably 50/50... Some people like the rush and others are high school kids I guess.

    it's a thrill
    good way to spice it up if it's getting stale

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  • TankHammerTankHammer Extreme Ghostbuster Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Waka Laka wrote: »
    Seriously embarrasing.

    Ouch Waka, that sucks. I would feel horrible if I accidentally mentally-scarred a couple of toddlers.
    To be fair though, the older gentleman probably should not have left a 5 and 7 year-old unattended just because he was having a nic-fit. At the very least he should have let you know the kids were there. That's just bad roommate etiquette, really.

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  • BibbleBibble __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    one time i was having sex and her husband walked in lol awkward ...

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  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bibble wrote: »
    one time i was having sex and her husband walked in lol awkward ...

    hahah oh bibble you are such a card.

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This discussion has been closed.