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His eyes grew wide as the kitchen knife sawed at his wrists. He expected pain, but was surprised to find it hardly hurt at all. A dark liquid seeped from the bladeâ€™s wounds. It almost looked black. He always thought blood was red. His last moments before passing out were spent chasing these ideas.
â€œJeremy? Can you hear me?â€ A concerned, feminine voice was close to him, though he couldnâ€™t tell where. As he opened his eyes, he saw a young girl, mid-twenties, clasping his bandaged hands. His wide eyes manifested themselves again, this time accompanied by a horror-stricken look on his face.
â€œYouâ€™re in the hospital,â€ she said. â€œI came looking for you when you didnâ€™t show up after work and found you collapsed in the bathroom. What was going on? What were you thinking, doing something like this? You could have killed yourselfâ€”and Iâ€™m so glad you didnâ€™tâ€”but what were you thinking? How could you do this?â€
â€œI donâ€™t rememberâ€¦â€ Jeremy said. The girl sighed. He had to get away, he decided. Just wait for the right moment, andâ€¦
â€œItâ€™s over now, anyway. I can take off of work and help you recover. We can spend this weekend together, too. How does going to Houlihanâ€™s sound? Just like we always do?â€
â€œSounds good,â€ Jeremy said. He shifted uncomfortably on his hospital bed. He unsuccessfully tried to break the iron grip she still had on his hands.
â€œI can make a reservation at our usual table. I wonder if Nancy still works there? She was trying to find a job right after college, but then again, a Liberal Arts degree doesnâ€™t really lend itself well to any job in particular. You know?â€
â€œI know,â€ Jeremy said. The girl smiled. Jeremy managed a smile back.
â€œWell, Iâ€™ll let you get your rest. And donâ€™t worry about work. I called them right after I found you, so they know whatâ€™s going on. They said to take all the time you need to recover. Everythingâ€™s taken care of. Iâ€™ll make sure something like this never happens again. You donâ€™t have to do anything but sleep.â€
â€œYeah,â€ he said. His face relaxed and his eyes lost the terror they held moments before.
She kissed Jeremy on the forehead and left the room, a bounce in her step which made her every movement look like she was walking on springs.
Jeremy looked at his bandaged wrists. He was bleeding through. Pretty soon, she would be back, and would no doubt volunteer to help change his bandages amidst the protests from the nurse. And then, when he got better, they would go home and live their life just the way it was before. Everything would be back to normal.
All he had to do was wait.
I've had critiques from my class and professor, but wanted a few more trained eyes.
I'll spoiler tag the critiques I've already gotten from the class if you want to comment blindly. Really appreciate anything that anyone gives out.
-Characters don't resonate. The girl feels distant and oblivious to what has actually happened, which isn't realistic.
-The beginning grabs your attention, but it goes downhill from there.
-Most of the story is dialogue.
-The ending tells, not shows. Also, it isn't clear what he's waiting for. There's an open-ended story, and then what we have here, which is just vague.