Killing Time (short story, ~460 words)

MHYoshimitzu

A short story for school. Our challenge was to tell a story within one page. Our professor argued throughout the course of the critiques that none of the stories submitted were stories, merely scenes.

Also, I know, cliche title. Every work had to have a title, so I just put down the first idea that popped into my head.

Killing Time wrote:

His eyes grew wide as the kitchen knife sawed at his wrists. He expected pain, but was surprised to find it hardly hurt at all. A dark liquid seeped from the blade’s wounds. It almost looked black. He always thought blood was red. His last moments before passing out were spent chasing these ideas.

“Jeremy? Can you hear me?” A concerned, feminine voice was close to him, though he couldn’t tell where. As he opened his eyes, he saw a young girl, mid-twenties, clasping his bandaged hands. His wide eyes manifested themselves again, this time accompanied by a horror-stricken look on his face.

“You’re in the hospital,” she said. “I came looking for you when you didn’t show up after work and found you collapsed in the bathroom. What was going on? What were you thinking, doing something like this? You could have killed yourself—and I’m so glad you didn’t—but what were you thinking? How could you do this?”
“I don’t remember…” Jeremy said. The girl sighed. He had to get away, he decided. Just wait for the right moment, and…

“It’s over now, anyway. I can take off of work and help you recover. We can spend this weekend together, too. How does going to Houlihan’s sound? Just like we always do?”

“Sounds good,” Jeremy said. He shifted uncomfortably on his hospital bed. He unsuccessfully tried to break the iron grip she still had on his hands.

“I can make a reservation at our usual table. I wonder if Nancy still works there? She was trying to find a job right after college, but then again, a Liberal Arts degree doesn’t really lend itself well to any job in particular. You know?”

“I know,” Jeremy said. The girl smiled. Jeremy managed a smile back.

“Well, I’ll let you get your rest. And don’t worry about work. I called them right after I found you, so they know what’s going on. They said to take all the time you need to recover. Everything’s taken care of. I’ll make sure something like this never happens again. You don’t have to do anything but sleep.”

“Yeah,” he said. His face relaxed and his eyes lost the terror they held moments before.

She kissed Jeremy on the forehead and left the room, a bounce in her step which made her every movement look like she was walking on springs.

Jeremy looked at his bandaged wrists. He was bleeding through. Pretty soon, she would be back, and would no doubt volunteer to help change his bandages amidst the protests from the nurse. And then, when he got better, they would go home and live their life just the way it was before. Everything would be back to normal.

All he had to do was wait.

I've had critiques from my class and professor, but wanted a few more trained eyes.

I'll spoiler tag the critiques I've already gotten from the class if you want to comment blindly. Really appreciate anything that anyone gives out.

Spoiler:

-Characters don't resonate. The girl feels distant and oblivious to what has actually happened, which isn't realistic.

-The beginning grabs your attention, but it goes downhill from there.

-Most of the story is dialogue.

-The ending tells, not shows. Also, it isn't clear what he's waiting for. There's an open-ended story, and then what we have here, which is just vague.

Richard_Dastardly

This might work with some more character development, both with the Jeremy and the girl. The whole story might even be better written mostly in dialogue, interspersed with actions and inner dialogue. I wrote my comments in bold.

Spoiler:

MHYoshimitzu wrote: »

His eyes grew wide as the kitchen knife sawed at his wrists. In most cases, use a period instead of 'as' in cases like this one. He expected pain, but was surprised to find it hardly hurt at all. Redundant. By writing that he was surprised there was no pain, you don't need to also say he expected pain. That's already fairly obvious. A dark liquid seeped from the blade’s wounds. A blade doesn't have wounds. It almost looked black. He always thought blood was red. His last moments before passing out were spent chasing these ideas. I'm not a big fan of these last three sentences. It seems that a dude slicing up his wrist would have more thoughts racing through his head than the lack of pain and the color of the blood.

"Jeremy? Can you hear me?” A concerned, feminine voice was close to him, though he couldn’t tell where. You don't succeed in showing how Jeremy is coming out of a fog here. He should be more confused, unsure of where he's at exactly.As he opened his eyes,Drop the 'as' and put a period after 'eyes.' he saw a young girl, mid-twenties, clasping his bandaged hands. His wide eyes manifested themselves again, this time accompanied by a horror-stricken look on his face. The story is from the POV of Jeremy, so how would he know he had a horror-stricken look on his face?

“You’re in the hospital,” she said. “I came looking for you when you didn’t show up after work and found you collapsed in the bathroom. What was going on? What were you thinking, doing something like this? You could have killed yourself—and I’m so glad you didn’t—but what were you thinking? How could you do this?” Unconvincing dialogue. And a bit cliche.“I don’t remember…” Jeremy said. The girl sighed. He had to get away, he decided. Just wait for the right moment, and…

“It’s over now, anyway. I can take off of work and help you recover. We can spend this weekend together, too. How does going to Houlihan’s sound? Just like we always do?”

“Sounds good,” Jeremy said. He shifted uncomfortably on his hospital bed. He unsuccessfully tried to break the iron grip she still had on his hands. Redundant. Since he tried to break her grip, the ready already assumes he was unsuccessful.

“I can make a reservation at our usual table. I wonder if Nancy still works there? She was trying to find a job right after college, but then again, a Liberal Arts degree doesn’t really lend itself well to any job in particular. You know?” I get the idea that she's trying to have a normal, everything-is-all-right conversation, but you should also be showing the underlying stress and worry that would strain her face and her words.

“I know,” Jeremy said. The girl smiled. Jeremy managed a smile back.

“Well, I’ll let you get your rest. And don’t worry about work. I called them right after I found you, so they know what’s going on. They said to take all the time you need to recover. Everything’s taken care of. I’ll make sure something like this never happens again. You don’t have to do anything but sleep.” Too much of an info dump here. His job isn't really relevant to the story.

“Yeah,” he said. His face relaxed and his eyes lost the terror they held moments before.

She kissed Jeremy on the forehead and left the room, a bounce in her step which made her every movement look like she was walking on springs. Why is she bouncing? Is she glad to be taking care of him? Maybe she's one of those sick, uber-motherly type people who love caring for fucked up people. I dunno.

Jeremy looked at his bandaged wrists. He was bleeding through. Pretty soon, she would be back, and would no doubt volunteer to help change his bandages amidst the protests from the nurse. And then, when he got better, they would go home and live their life just the way it was before. Everything would be back to normal. You don't really give or even hint at a motive for him slicing up his wrist. And, I can see how your classmates might find the ending a bit ambiguous.

All he had to do was wait.

jacripe

Sounds like she's trying to ignore it and he's just going to do it all over again. It's like a cycle. Has he done this before? It's almost predictable in that way. Is that what you wanted?

If his old life drove him to suicide and her only solution is a return to his old life, will he stop when he dies or just give up and live?

Also, everyone knows you run down the street, not across the road.

Squirrel Ninja

"“Jeremy? Can you hear me?” A concerned, feminine voice was close to him, though he couldn’t tell where. As he opened his eyes, he saw a young girl, mid-twenties, clasping his bandaged hands. His wide eyes manifested themselves again, this time accompanied by a horror-stricken look on his face."

Much of this part just doesn't sound right. Aside from that, your making it difficult to judge point of view. The character has just regained consciousness, and were already flushed with details. "The horror stricken look..." in particular is out of point of view, unless you have an omniscient narrator.

"“It’s over now, anyway. I can take off of work and help you recover. We can spend this weekend together, too. How does going to Houlihan’s sound? Just like we always do?”

“Sounds good,” Jeremy said. He shifted uncomfortably on his hospital bed. He unsuccessfully tried to break the iron grip she still had on his hands.

“I can make a reservation at our usual table. I wonder if Nancy still works there? She was trying to find a job right after college, but then again, a Liberal Arts degree doesn’t really lend itself well to any job in particular. You know?”

This section also seemed a little unbelievable to me. The girl(friend?) recovers awfully quickly and starts making weekend plans the moment he wakes up after a suicide attempt. Not only that, but then she immediately leaves the guy alone again. Although the above and lines like, "I’ll make sure something like this never happens again" do make the main character more sympathetic, and his suicide more comfortable, I'm inclined to agree that the first paragraph, at least in terms of plot, seemed promising, but then shit just kinda fell apart. The underling idea of a guy in, what objectively looks like a comfortable life, willingly and deliberately choosing to end it is compelling, but I would rewrite and see how else this might be done.

MHYoshimitzu

Thanks, guys. I'll see what I can do with this over the rest of today. I'm in a creative mood.

Munacra

I'd suggest figuring out what you want to say with the story first. What this is, it feels pointless. No one wants to read stuff that won't be awesome. They have better things to do.

So figure out what you want to tell people with this story, and then let things go from there.