Should I be seeking family counseling?

HenryWard

Hey all,

I'm about at wit's end and was hoping you could help me find a solution to some family trouble I've been having.

Some context:

I just graduated college in May, looking for work across the coast so I can be where my girlfriend's employed, and have a solid lead on a job that I'm flying out for an on-site interview for on Monday. I'm a pretty good kid - never been in trouble for anything, not so much as a parking ticket, and help out around the house.

My sister is about the opposite of me - two years younger, dropped out of college, and is about as much of a troublemaker as anyone could possibly want. She owes my parents a considerable amount of money at this point from abusing a credit card, etc. etc. etc. But that's not the real problem.

The problem is that my parents are absolutely unwilling to do anything to stop my sister from doing things that cause me harm, even when those things were explicitly prohibited by the parents themselves. In the past it's been annoyance level things - constantly leaving dirty clothes on the floor on my side of the bathroom and refusing to clean them up, playing music at outrageous volume in her room which adjoins mine, and so forth. Now, though, my parents are on vacation, and it's gotten bad. Sister dearest was explicitly prohibited from having her boyfriend to sleep over in the basement while my parents were gone (just to be clear, she isn't allowed normally either) so that I can go down and use the space for XBOX gaming and the like. Now she's taken over the downstairs with him, had him sleep over last night, and left for work this morning without even putting the sofa bed back into sofa form - it's been sheets and pillows all day. I already called my parents about this earlier this week when she was planning on doing the same, and mom repeatedly tried to call the home and her cell number to stop her, without her picking up, and indicated major consequences to come if she had him over.

So, last night, she did have him sleep over, and I called my parents this morning to report it. They asked for me to get the phone number of her (much more reasonable and normal) boyfriend so they could talk to him on the assumption that she wouldn't listen, and when I delivered it to them, I was told "We decided we don't want to put her boyfriend in the position of choosing between her and us." I countered with "Well, I don't appreciate you thereby putting him over your own son!," and then the real truth came out: "We're on vacation from dealing with your sister, and you should just deal with it."

Guys, I feel like I'm being booted out of a part of my own home, when I'm the one doing all the caretaking of the pets et al while my parents are gone and my sister isn't even sleeping here most nights. Not dealing with the annoyances is one thing, but not dealing with my sister taking over half the house to have a live-in boyfriend after that was explicitly prohibited is quite another. I don't even feel like a respected or legitimate member of the household anymore, just the "good son" who can be exploited for housework without having to be taken care of.

So what should I do? I'm thinking of trying to get family counseling, but when I mentioned that to my parents tonight when having the aforementioned discussion the answer was "ok, but it'll take away from money we can spend on other things for you." So even an outside solution is essentially being held hostage, although I'm willing to take the hit if needed. Seriously, though, please help!

Passerbye

I'm assuming you've already explained to your parents how their reactions to your sister make you feel, of course. If they're still taking that kind of advantage of you, after having you explain your feelings to them, be patient and, as soon as possible, move to a location near the job you're interviewing for (or another job far far away if you don't get that one). If they're not willing to respect your feelings, then the best way for them to learn may well just be leaving them in the lurch, especially since they were willing to do the same with you.

noir_blood

How old are you both? I know you said you graduated college, but man, from the way you both are acting, it sounds like you are both 16.

I mean, seriously? Your sister has her boyfriend over, who's apparently worse trait is that he is preventing you from playing xbox, and you call your mom and dad?

They are on vacation, it's not that they don't want to deal with your sister, they don't want to deal with any family shit. Not unless the house is on fire and one of you is dead.

Just deal with it for now. And stop calling your parents.

HenryWard

It's not just that he's over and that I can't use the downstairs - there's also no regard for taking care of the space in the least. Again, the sofa bed's been out all day with sheets on and it doesn't look like she/they're sleeping here tonight, there were leftover breakfast remains all over the kitchen table this morning, they didn't take the dogs out (resulting in pee on the floor that wasn't cleaned up) when I left the house to use other space so as not to cause a problem, etc. etc. etc. Also, no warning - no "do you need to get things from down here," no "would you like to take your materials elsewhere," no nothing - I just come downstairs, turn on the light, and there's my sister's bare back in bed with her boyfriend.

It'd be fine if I were notified, if it weren't an every night thing (thank goodness it isn't that it seems), and if cleanup and dog care efforts were made, but there's been none of that.

Baron Dirigible

are you paying rent

Kazhiim

Are your parents ever strict with her? It doesn't sound like it, if they're letting her live at home and she owes them a good deal of cash which she doesn't seem to care about paying back. Their comment about being "on vacation" from dealing with her seems to indicate that they don't know how, or care how, to raise her properly.

My family has been in a situation much worse than this for the past year now, and I can tell you something: if they're unwilling to tell your sister to shape up or ship out, they probably never will. Counseling hasn't helped us, but that's mainly because my brother is very manipulative of the people around him. If your sister seems to have mom and dad wrapped around her finger, then I can only offer you one piece of advice:

Move out. This isn't your problem.

warban

The question I would like to know is what do you want to get out of the counseling?

Kazhiim wrote: »

Move out. This isn't your problem.

I Agree with this, Its not your problem.

Take care of the pets. But let the rest of the state of the house stay as trashed as you sister leave it in. Do not clean up after her.

Hobbit0815

warban wrote: »

Take care of the pets. But let the rest of the state of the house stay as trashed as you sister leave it in. Do not clean up after her.

/agree. It's her mess, let the little princess live in her dirty castle.

Seldom

i'm with who ever thinks your acting like 16 year olds.

leaving a bed out and not cleaning up their dishes from breakfast isn't a big deal, and doesn't take you long to clean up and fix (even though you shouldn't have to).

just tolerate the shit and move out. feel sorry for you parents because they're going to be stuck with that shit for a while longer. stop cracking a hissy fit because you can't play xbox and start focussing and prioritizing getting you and your shit outta your parents house.

leaving the dogs in and letting them piss in the house is shit, but judging by what you've said about your sister it was pretty predictable she wouldn't have thought about them. think about what your sister can dick up while you're away next time and be a bit preemptive in sorting things out so that stuff doesn't happen again.

or you can just not do anything and let your sister deal with her mess until your parents get back, but it sounds like she won't care that the place is a wreck and you will. don't expect your parents to be pleased that your sister AND you let the house get trashed while they were away, either.

as for family counseling? sounds like your parents just need to harden up on her. i have no experience with family counseling, so i can't vouch for it..

Thanatos

You seriously called your parents while they were on vacation to tattle on your little sister? And you've graduated from college? Like, post-secondary education? That was really, incredibly inconsiderate. That's, like, twelve-year-old behavior.

And I'm not really seeing how your sister having her boyfriend over prevents you from taking care of the dogs, either. Take care of the dogs, don't make a mess, let your parents deal with your sister when they get home, instead of whining to them over the phone about it while they're on vacation. You're out of there in a few weeks, why do you care?

W2

Hopefully your parents aren't on vacation for more than a couple of weeks, so you shouldn't have to deal with it for too long.

Just grab your stuff from downstairs and set yourself up somewhere else for the duration, let your sister trash the place and have her deal with the consequences when your folks get home.

X3x3non

Did you ever raise the topic with your sister directly? I have both a younger and older sister and if I was a problem I just bring it up with them. But don't pent up your anger for days on end without saying anything only to then explode with rage at the end of the week. Just bring up what you dislike in a normal adult fashion and if she basically tells you to "GTFO" remind her of her responsibilities as a family member and adult in a more assertive tone. She shouldn't be allowed to trash the place. If she is having fun, she should also make sure the house is in a good state afterwards. Basically remind her that she isn't a child anymore (I assume she isn't!) and that she has some responsibilities. Just talk to her without any of the "Nanananan you have poopy pants".

On the other hand, it is noon right now and my bed still hasn't been made either. I also haven't done dishes yet. Also, again assuming that she is around 18, what is wrong with her bringing a boyfriend home? Isn't that stuff just normal?

This does not require counseling, but rather a bit more backbone from your parents. The issue with credit card abuse and "large" (I assume) sums of money being owed is a more serious offense.

ceres

My sister and I never got along, and still don't. We don't talk, and both of us seem inclined to pretty much forget about the other's existence. So sad, so I hear, but whatever. The attempt has been made on my part to reach out to her in various ways, and she isn't interested. Honestly, I'm not really either. This is all made easy by the fact that she's disinclined to go to any family event whatsoever.

Move out and don't bother with her, because it's not worth it. And it's not worth it to fight with her. That's the part you seem to still be missing. Have neither of you ever lived away from home, even while attending college?

Someday she might decide she wants a relationship, and that's cool, but right now you two are both acting like you're about ten years old. If the Xbox is yours, hook it up in your room so you can play. It's yours, there's not reason you shouldn't rightfully be able to. If it's not yours I suggest you leave it where it is and find something else to do.

Improvolone

"Hey boyfriend-guy, can you fold up the sofa bed when you wake up? It's a pain in the ass if I need to do that if I want to play some video games."

Family counseling won't do YOU any good, because it sounds like you want someone to say that you are right and that everyone should understand how much you do and how right you are. Counseling might help your parents and your sister, but I don't see how you fit into that.

Mim

What I gather from this is not that you are acting like a teenager or young child because you're going to your parents complaining, but that you just want some respect. I get what you're coming from though its more my cousins than with my sister. You can't understand why the hell she gets away with this shit when all you've done is try to be the dependable one while she's taking advantage of your folks.

Really, I agree with a couple of people to just do your part of what your parents asked you to do and then stay out of your sister's way so she can fuck things up. If your parents yell at you, then just tell them its their problem and not yours and you're not going to pick up after a grown ass (however immature) woman despite you being the "good son".

Your parents need to grow some cojones and bitch slap your sister. You just need to let them deal with their lack of cojones and let them be run over by your sister who will probably become homeless and trashy. You cannot deal with your sister till she turns to you to pick up her mess and take care of her to which I say you firmly tell her to fuck off and shove her in the opposite direction.

Trowizilla

The thing is, even the most well-intentioned parents are going to treat their kids unequally. The sooner you realize this and accept it, the less bitter you're going to be.

Ask your sister and her boyfriend to fold up the sofa-bed when they're done with it and take out the dogs before they leave. Other than that, let it go. You're not your sister's dad.

TokyoRaver

"MOOOOOOOM, SIS WON'T LET ME PLAY XBOX IN THE BASEMENT, WAAAAH"

Holy god, you're a college graduate, get out of your parents house and get your own life totally independent of your family already!

I'm sincerely shocked that you had the gall to come here and ask earnestly if people thought family counseling would help

Sounds like you need the counseling more than the rest of your family, no offense

Let your sister fail at life on her own, but you're in control of your life. Do something with it other than complain about others' faults.

Tube

Grow up.

DrFrylock

Yep, you really don't seem to have a big problem here. It's time for you to move out on your own anyway, so do that.

That's not to say you don't have a dysfunctional family, which you probably do. The roles you've all taken (including your parents and you) are all contributing to the situation. "What?" you say, "how can I, who is the good child, be contributing to the situation? My sister is the one that's broken!" Honestly, there's a pretty good chance that you're the good child, in part BECAUSE your sister acts out. They're both often used as coping strategies to deal with parents that didn't establish appropriate boundaries earlier in life. I had this problem, but instead of my sibling being ordinarily loud and lazy, mine had a serious drug problem. This, combined with my Dad never addressing longstanding anger issues and having cancer for several years, led to some fairly explosive situations. Does your sister's boyfriend come into your room when you're gone and steal all the money they find in there? I guess not. Needless to say, if you had offered to downgrade the issue to dirty laundry and loud music, I would have taken you up on that in a heartbeat.

Many families have problems like this and after the family unit breaks up because the kids move out they sort of find a way to be (or at least maintain their dysfunctionality) well into adulthood without ever addressing the issues. I find this sort of unhealthy, but that's just me. Counseling might help to actually make your longer-term relationships healthy but since the situation isn't at a breaking point it will be very difficult to get all four of you to readjust your coping strategies and behaviors to re-establish healthy boundaries (this is always very difficult, it completely disrupts the status-quo, and it's very easy to just fall back into old regimes).

But yeah, sack up and move out, and get some perspective. It'll help either way.

stawk

folded out sofa bed is still something you can sit on, i fail to see a problem

your an adult (although you dont seem to act like it) and so is your sister, TALK TO HER!

Also why is your troublemaker sister out working during the day while you home alone crying to your parents about how you cant play your xbox because the couch is folded out into a bed.

Inquisitor77

I have a somewhat similar dynamic within my own family. In fact, my sister and her husband have made such poor financial decisions that they are currently foreclosing on their mortgage and basically plan on either destroying their credit and living at home with my mom for several years or declaring bankruptcy and living at home with my mom for several years. Yeah, you read that correctly.

Anyway, at some point you have to choose either being a surrogate parent, which you are obviously not inclined to do, or just getting out of the way and letting her live her life. You aren't her parents. You're her sibling. At the end of the day, while you may love her and care for her and feel an obligation toward her, you're both adults and she is free to live her life how she chooses. If your parents want to continue enabling her behavior, then that is none of your business. At this point, you should have the tools and skills available to get out and live your own life.

Do not, under any circumstances, use your sister or your family life as an excuse not to move on with your own. This will just lead to more resentment on your part, which is doubly bad in that you'd be lying to yourself (welcome to adulthood, where you are expected to be responsible for your decisions) and in that you will be doing nothing constructive for yourself.

So yeah, to repeat what others have said: Find a job. Get out. Live your own life. You are under no obligation to help your sister in any way, shape, or form. If you want to help, that's fine, but do it on your own terms as a self-responsible adult, not as your parents' kid doing their bidding because you're family and they said so.

If your parents want to lay on the guilt trip, just ignore it. The truth is you're doing them a favor by being self-sufficient and getting out of their way so they can deal with your sister directly themselves. They shouldn't use you as an excuse, either.

PS - Once you're on your own, don't be a douchebag and gloat about it. It's not constructive for anyone involved.

Aegeri

I'm sorry, but the simplest thing to do here is move out and go on with your own life. From what you've described, it's just not going to get any better if your parents aren't going to do anything.

Shogun

Sounds like your parents are on vacation from both of you.

Cristo

Christ, I'm glad I don't have any siblings.

Trillian

Maybe you and your sister would get along better if you weren't such a tattle-tale.
Maybe she's just doing all this to piss you off and get a reaction, since god knows you'll deliver.
Instead of crying to mommy and daddy like you're eight fucking years old, grow up and either cowboy up and clean up her shit, or leave it alone and let her deal with it on her own terms.

JaysonFour

As much as you want to, your parents will not change. Your sister will not change. Nobody changes because you whine at them.

This arguement is one you expect out of a kid- "Mooooooooom, Sis has a BOY in her room while the door's closed and she won't let me play video games!!!!" *insert whiny tantrum and foot-stomping here*

You're moving out? Are you sure you're mature and emotionally ready to deal with problems without Mom or Dad to help you if life is too hard? Learn coping skills and stop worrying about the fact your sister will quite likely end up on a Maury baby-daddy show in the future. Take care of yourself and only yourself.