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So I have a way to get to know this [GIRL THREAD]...
Posts
Hey. HEY! Didn't we tell you to knock that off? Self-doubt is your own worst enemy. I swear, we need to attach a collar on you that shocks you whenever you beat yourself up.
A better thing to do would be to try your best, take some chances and just see how far that takes you. You could find yourself surprised to be on the National Geographic's payroll.
Years of being told not to be an arrogant douche trump a few days of being told to stop doubting oneself.
You can "try" until your ears start bleeding but the fact of the matter is that you've been saying, "I'm going to try" or "well if the circumstances were different"or "I'll think about it" or some other non-committal answer.
Not once do I see a "okay, good idea, let's fucking DO IT" attitude come out of you. If you really wanted to be good at something, you wouldn't "try" to be good at it. You'd go out there and do whatever it took to BE good at it, rather than procrastinating and waiting for things to fall your way.
It is frustrating to see someone with obvious smarts get kicked in the head by their own self-doubt and their own fear of pushing ahead. You're a smart kid, but at the end of the day, the words in this thread can only do so much. Friends around you can only push you so hard.
YOU have to do all the doing and YOU have to really WANT to do it, and sorry but I doubt that it's what you actually want if all you're going to do is sit there and make excuses for inaction and lack of commitment.
I recognize that you're not really listening to a lot of folks in here because your brain switches off and you get defensive whenever someone says something harsh about your character because you think "I ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS GOD", and you may not even read this post the whole way through, but damn. It just needed to be said, because if you already knew all this, then one would imagine you would be more proactive in taking the steps recommended in this thread to solve the problem.
I left public schooling at around 11-12 years of age. Before puberty hit. I have spent the time since then with my only social contact being the internet.
I do not know if you have noticed, but I've gotten a metric fucking shitton of mockery aimed at me from this forum alone, let alone more harsh places. I have spent the last 4+ years of major psychological moldability and development, being verbally attacked and abused at nearly every turn, for every single possible thing from my appearance to my actions to my inaction.
I have been left pretty fucking warped, so SORRY if I'm a little defensive when people start getting a little harsh, after four motherfucking years of not being able to do anything but try to walk away when the shit just spread to everywhere else around me until I had no choice but to take it! You want to know the absolute goddamned truth? Right now I can't do a fucking thing. Not because I'm 'scared', not because I'm a pussy, but because the earliest I can fucking meet the girl again is Thursday, because even when I tried to set up a meeting it fell through, because every single goddamned thing I have actually pushed forward and tried to do has fallen through my goddamned fingers out of my control! THAT is why I'm not moving at lightspeed like you want me to! SO JUST! FUCKING! ACCEPT THAT!
...Well. I feel better now.
So get a job flipping burgers. You're a kid who has no money and is still working on an education. Flipping burgers is not below you.
Also, the big long rambling "IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M NOT LISTENING" posts kind of suck, dude.
In fact, I'm pretty sure yelling at the people who are trying to help you is an intensely shitty thing to do, as well. Don't make H/A threads if you're not interested in help or advice.
Okey dokey
You think you're the only one who's tripped and fallen down? You think you're the only one who's been bullied or mocked? You think you're the ONLY SIXTEEN YEAR OLD who was ever placed in a position of social awkwardness OVER AND OVER again?
Please. EVERYONE has been there and anyone who says they haven't is a LIAR ashamed of their own goddamn past.
You are making something huge out of stuff that EVERYONE has gone through. Yeah, you may have gotten pulled out of public school because of bullies, and that's the first signal to me that what's different between you and me is ATTITUDE.
Instead of dealing with the pains of public school, you were given the option to retreat and you did. You lost many potential years of social education. I will not question WHY you did this, but this alone tells me why you are the way you are.
But even so, YOU ARE MAKING EXCUSES. You are making yourself out to be this VICTIM of the WORLD when everyone else has gone through something similar or even worse!
ALL you need to do to fix it is CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE. Every time your brain insists you will fail, ignore it, and try your fucking hardest NOT TO FAIL. Every time your brain insists that you not bother trying, when it throws obstacles up in your head, you plow right through them and make it happen! If you are REALLY passionate about changing, if you REALLY want to make new friends, if you REALLY want to get to know people, your desire for self-improvement should drive you past all those mental blocks.
Yeah, change is slow. I only became comfortable with who I am a year ago, and I was 24 last year. But the fact is, you HAVE to try. You cannot make excuses your whole life, you cannot hide away and blame a fear of failure or blame past performances.
The past is the fucking past. You either expect it to repeat itself, OR you learn from it and make sure it DOESN'T repeat itself.
The point is that it's okay to move slow, but I don't see you moving at ALL, so sorry if I don't buy your excuses for a goddamn second. It's an attitude adjustment. It's thinking positive. It's being honest with yourself and realizing that all the shit you went through builds character and empathy and strength. It is realizing that yes you have weaknesses but you are NOT worthless! It should NOT defeat you and if you let it, well, what are you doing here?
I said it before and I'll say it again: THERE ARE OTHER AVENUES TO IMPROVING YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS BEYOND THIS NEWSLETTER. They have been covered multiple times in this thread. The only reason you are not exploring them is because YOU ARE MAKING EXCUSES.
THAT is what I was addressing, as I was assuming you WANT a social life beyond the newsletter eventually.
Man, my first post in PA was in help and advice, where I posted a pic of myself and asked for opinions on a different type of haircut. One of the first posts was how I should worry about losing that double chin first or something like that, and I got all butthurt and whiny about it.
So yeah, you're not a special snowflake by any means.
I think the reason you're getting advice shoved down your throat is (other than the fact that you asked for it), that a lot of people here were either in your position or know someone that was. You really should take it to heart, some of have been there.
And I would seriously advice against taking a year off college. If you're really interest about photography and writing, you'll find the time to do those things, no matter what homework and social commitments you'll have. Or shit, maybe you'll go to college and find out that something else interests you.
Sorry, you aren't special, you're just like everyone else.
Everyone fails at shit, the difference between you and somebody that lives the dream is that they go out there and do it. They don't sit on their couch and wait for shit to change for the better for them.
If shit falls through, reschedule if someone drops out, work harder and advertise for a new position.
Sitting there whining about how shit is too hard, never gets shit done.
Do you know what I would do if I wanted to one day get a job in National Geographic?
Enroll in a photography course, try and intern at a newspaper or anywhere.
Get a job, if you can get one that allows you to be a photographer even better. But I'd get one that provides a steady income, doesn't matter where the fuck it is, go apply at wal-mart, get a job because they'll hire anyone, then look for something better.
Save money.
Start building a portfolio by using the money that you've saved to go and travel to places you want to see. Photography is one of the most unique jobs because you get paid to go to fantastic corners of the world. I went rockclimbing with a photographer last month and she ended up selling the photos she took while she was there to the rockclimbing stores.
Then when you finish your degree you will have, a degree, a history of work and and portfolio of work that you actually want to do.
Your plan is to have a year off and do what? Stick a flyer up at the shopping mall to see if anyone wants their portrait taken? You'll be lucky in your small town even if you had excellent advertising to have one client every second week.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
You do realize I have no method of getting around on my own, yes? I have no car, I have no bike, the closest places are well out of walking distance. So, I am limited to getting rides. I have not been able to get rides to anywhere but school yet, because everyone is incredibly busy.
EDIT: Okay, look, I want to make one other thing clear. I am not making excuses. To you, these may be excuses. To me, these are insurmountable obstacles. These are things that simply cannot be overcome, or at least not without a shitton of luck, immense amounts of more ability, and severe consequences if I fail.
Also, I don't think I'm a unique and special snowflake. I am very aware that I am generic, crappy, and in general a bad person.
Since your American you might need to change this slightly.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
Nope, these are just excuses. These obstacles are NOT insurmountable. They do NOT take luck. They take EFFORT. You are being melodramatic. Cut it out.
Buy a bike or, better yet, get a part-time job long enough to save money for a bike.
Bring a small backpack with a change of clothes and jog to your destination, like a community center where you can volunteer or something. Change into a fresh set of clothes, do your thing, then jog home. There! Fitness AND a chance for a social encounter.
There are ways around every obstacle. You are either too stubborn to see them, or too busy wallowing in self-pity to bother finding them. I'm betting on the latter, what with the whole "boohoo I am a horrible person" shtick. Well, I'm not going to pity you and I'm not going to convince you that you're not a bad person. Shit, all I ever did in this thread was try to actually HELP you instead of feed your need for sympathy.
If I seem harsh, I never really intended to be, but I have a nasty habit of calling people out when they are asking for help and don't seem to plan to act on any of it, so here we are. It nothing else, I empathize deeply with what you are going through, maybe not the home-schooling but certainly the brutal mockery and social awkwardness.
Shit, son, I was where you are, back in the day. Know how I improved myself, how I fixed all this? Everything I told you in this thread. That's how I fixed it. Attitude change. Looking for social opportunities. Going to college. Getting a job. I think some part of me just doesn't want to see you sit around waiting for things to happen because that's what I did and while I regret it, I damn sure learned from it.
No, you are missing the point.
You are just going a-bloo-bloo I'm terrible.
We are saying, everyone is like that, everyone fails. The point is to try and be better than terrible, get off your arse and get out there and try and do something. Rather than sitting there in a vat of your own lack of self-worth.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
And then you all can go have a spot of tea!
Hm, let's see, tried these in the past.
"No", "No time", "No money".
Also, I'll admit this one is mainly an excuse, but it gets 120 fucking degrees here in the summer. Today it hit the 90s. In OCTOBER.
Best just stay inside
Edit: Basically dude the fact that you're sixteen and relying on your parents to provide your transportation is a problem.
How much are they going to spend on you on Christmas?
You can buy a second hand bike for 50 bucks if you look around.
When they say no, tell them you want to go into town to find a job if they still say no you ask them when would it be convinient for them to take you?
Damm straight it's a fucking excuse.
I've climbed up rock in 120 degree weather in the sun. I've done it when in was 90 and 80% humidity. Just take a fucking shower afterwards.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
This is fact. A great many highly successful people worked in fast food stores or similar at your age, and theres absolutely nothing wrong with it. I myself worked as a supermarket cashier in my teens. I'm glad i did it. I'm not going to say i loved every minute of the job at the time, but in hindsight, it was a great experience. Let me also tell you that i worked in a videogame/electronics department in a chain store, and it is NOT what you think it will be like. It is NOT some holy grail of retail employment. All of the bad things about retail are still present. My coworkers were pretty cool though, and made it bearable.
Look, the basics are this. Your life, by your own account, isnt very enjoyable. You need to start changing things. Getting a job, any job is a great first step. Do NOT delay going to college. Make that your main plan. Research colleges and stuff, and plan to go somewhere AWAY from your home town. You desperately need to see more of the outside world, because your town doesnt sound like it comes remotely close to representing the norm.
Dont place so much importance on just this newsletter. Its an option, nothing more, and just a small one at that. Continue to work at it, but its so far from being your last chance its not even funny.
Yal, I said what I came in here to say. I have given you advice as an earnest caring individual, then as a harsher, more frustrated person who used to be where you are now and came out of it tooth and nail and withOUT people like those in this thread, who have offered advice and encouragement. You feed off their sympathy and ignore the actual advice by insisting that there is no feasible way for you to take it when this is absolutely not true, choosing instead to hide behind "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH."
You know how people get tired of talking to someone? When that someone doesn't stop whining about how pathetic they are and how worthless they are and how bad they are.
You are intent on making excuses. You are intent, even, on making excuses FOR making excuses.
But your first step clearly isn't getting to know this girl at the newsletter. Your first step is to stop making excuses and for once in your goddamn life realize your own self-worth instead of all your perceived flaws and feeling sorry for yourself. Once you do that, everything else falls into place. You'll know what needs fixing, what you're good at and can take confidence in, and you'll go out and do what needs to be done.
That's it, I guess.
P.S. I lived two years in Singapore (and then five years in the Philippines) where the weather is upwards of 110 degrees F and 100% humidity almost year-round. Yeah whining about the heat is well, just whining.
Look, I've asked about the possibility of getting a bike uber-cheap by talking to the people that work for my dad. That should happen tomorrow. I'm doing my best here. I'm sorry that I can't push past a lot of things, but I AM trying, and taking the advice to heart. I've been working on my self-confidence issues, but honestly, at this point the biggest thing I need is some damn affirmation. Some people that like me so I can look at myself in the mirror and say "I can't be that much of a fuckup, I've got some actual friends". I'm not going to be able to just break through my own self-doubts when I'm stuck with just the inside of my skull as a companion.
The kind that is given by strangers who only know you as a username on an internet forum?
Or the kind that is earned by friends that you make in person, who know you for you who are from how you look to how you act and sound?
Anything worth having has to be earned. You may take some solace from the people who offer you encouragement and validation here on the forums and that's fine. It helps to hear encouragement from someone, anyone, and I get that. But at the same time, life is going to be scary. You're starting out at the very base of building a potential support system.
Meet people. Make friends. Fuck up in the process! Earn THEIR friendship, trust, and validation and let THEM earn YOURS. That's how you learn. It's good that you are trying, but don't be afraid to fail, to fall. Nobody is perfect and anyone who lives life AFRAID of failure never actually lives at all.
At the end of the day, what drives people to do what they do is that they just get up and DO IT. That sort of thing doesn't happen overnight, I know this through personal experience, but you can't procrastinate forever, and there is never a time to learn like the present, particularly if you already dislike what you are in the present.
I have quite a few obstacles in my life. What they are isn't important, but they exist. I overcome them by looking at the way I am now, not being satisfied, and working to improve myself.
You've already got the not being satisfied part down. Now you've got to work to improve yourself.
As far as this goes:
I know a dude with clinical depression and anxiety issues. We're pretty good friends, I've known him most of my life. He spends every day wanting to just crawl into a hole and die (almost literally), but he still goes to school and work. He still saves money, and tries to better himself. And he's done it all by himself. He has to. Because nobody else can get into your skull and change you. Only you can.
I checked, and they were all 100+, except for the ones intended for people half my height. So hence I'm exploring other avenues of getting one.
EDIT: Okay, the cheapest in the 24 and 26 inch wheel ranges are around 70-80 at Walmart. Crappy-ass bikes, but if it even holds up for a few months, that's enough time to rig shit together.
Any suggestions on about how large a bike I would need, given I'm about 5'6"?
On the subject of jobs: DON'T limit yourself. At all. I know your goal is photography, and you should work toward that. But you might have to wait a while before something comes open. This happens. The point is that you shouldn't just sit and mope at home while waiting for it. Remember, the biggest thing holding you back at this point is staying isolated in your head. (I speak from experience, I've done this too.) Not to mention that an independent source of money will earn you more freedoms and more opportunities. Any form of job could lead to you getting a car which could lead to you getting an awesome photography job farther away from home.
Again, be willing to start at the bottom. I know it sucks, but remember that you won't be there forever. It's a means to an end. And, very likely, it won't be nearly as bad as you're imagining. For instance, I really didn't want to be a burger-flipper. But I needed money, so I got it anyway. And... it was fun! The manager ran a tight and efficient ship, yet he let us talk and joke around as long as we got the job done. Sure, it wasn't the ideal job, but on the whole I had a good time and met some interesting people.
It seems counterintuitive, but having too narrow a job focus too soon can delay you from reaching your ultimate goals. Even a job at McDonalds will help you make progress toward where you ultimately want to be.
...Perhaps the serious cyclist threads have left me a bit paranoid.
Aaanyways, I've got my photographic portfolio together, and I've got a potential gig. If it lines up, I've got a potentially VERY consistent line of work. Tattoo artists need portfolios of their work, and we know a crapload of 'em. Most of their shots are low-quality P&S done glare stuff, so if I can make the stuff impressive, my funds will open up immensely. The fact that shots are then submitted to magazines also means I could get some notice.
That's not going to happen.
see, this is your problem
with everything
just stop worrying and go with it, no matter what it is
if you want to do something, do it. if you want to talk to someone, talk to them. if it doesn't work out like you'd hoped, who cares? move on, and do the next thing you wanted to do. and most importantly, if there's something holding you back from doing something you want (like a bike from getting a job), do that too. It's only an obstacle if you make it one.
It did not fall apart on me.
Steel needs to degrade an awful lot before you run into trouble.
The tattoo parlour seems really good for exposure. But to be honest I can't imagine that they would want to pay an awful lot per photo. I can't imagine getting more than 10 or 20 dollars per shot with a bonus if it gets published in a magazine.
But regardless you'll still need to get to the place to take photos.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
Also, I don't really need much money to live off of. Basic lenses are about 150 max, games are 30-60, a movie's about 10-20. Since I have no bills to pay, what with the living at home still and all, I only need to worry about recreational expense and activities and the like, once I have transportation.
Was part of the reason for the whole wait-a-year-for-college idea, too. Build up some serious reputation and fundage, so I could avoid having to get a real job.
Bahahahaha!
I'm talking the cheapest of the cheap here. a 50mm prime and a Sigma telephoto.
Beyond that, we hit the 'I wish I could do this but BETTER' range, since I have a pretty decent length available to me. And that's also a lower priority range.