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How do you get over Breakups?
unpurposed
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
It's something I've been wondering given a recent breakup I've gone through and although it does seem to get a bit easier every day, I still feel like a shadow of my former self.
As ridiculous as that may sound, it's true and I'm wondering how others get through it. I've felt a lot more free which is nice, but any attempts at socializing with the opposite sex never really seem to work out. Granted, I am incredibly quiet around people I don't know. Those that I do would say I never stop making jokes.
So looking back, I suppose my question is twofold:
1. How do you get over the breakup of a serious relationship?
2. What can I do to be a little more outgoing and friendly?
As ridiculous as that may sound, it's true and I'm wondering how others get through it. I've felt a lot more free which is nice, but any attempts at socializing with the opposite sex never really seem to work out. Granted, I am incredibly quiet around people I don't know. Those that I do would say I never stop making jokes.
So looking back, I suppose my question is twofold:
1. How do you get over the breakup of a serious relationship?
2. What can I do to be a little more outgoing and friendly?
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How do you become a little bit more outgoing? Try to get excited about meeting new people, consider talking more to people at work and stuff you don't normally talk to. you will honestly be surprised how easy it is to talk to people when you start. I used to be incredibly anti-social, back when I was going to therapy full time (and didn't want to go on anti-depressants, despite the diagnosis), and just honestly talking to people, and making an effort doing it you will see. It really isn't all that hard.
2. (this helps with 1) Hang out with your friends more, try to take any opportunity that come up for socialization, show genuine interest in what other people are talking about, find people with hobbies close to your own if your friends don't have them, also find friends that don't share all your hobbies but do something you might be interested in so you get a good range of socialization.
Steam/PSN/XBL/Minecraft / LoL / - Benevicious | WoW - Duckwood - Rajhek
2 year relationship. Girlfriend at the time became a core group of our friends so when we broke up it divided the group which made social get togethers a little awkward. Limit your contact with your ex as much as possible, zero contact for a while make it a lot easier if it was a rough break up. After the break up i put all my energy towards my job and hitting the gym. Exercise was a great output for all the pent up thoughts and energy plus you come out looking and feeling great about yourself which makes talking to a new girl much easier.
TLDR: Break all contact with her. Join a gym and focus on school/career. At this point women will come out of the woodwork like magic.
2. Even if it was a crappy break-up, take it all as a learning experience.
3. Get active. Join a gym, join a sports team, something. You'll feel sooo much better yourself and keeping busy will help with not thinking about other things.
Limed for truth.
The best way to get over a breakup is to immerse yourself in some new and positive activities. Joining a gym is a good idea (it's hard to feel depressed pumping iron) but now might be a good time to get that new game you've wanted to play, or to go out with your friends to that new club/bar/whatever, or to learn how to cook.
Yes.
I had a difficult breakup earlier this year in which I was hoping to stay friends with my ex. It sort of worked out in the end (sort of, but that's a whole other thing). But at first, trying to keep in touch with her was absolutely killing me. It wasn't until I told her that I was just too much of a mess to be in contact with her, and that I wiped her off my IM lists, etc, that things started to noticeably improve for me.
It really sucks, but you have to try and put her behind you.
2. Discard humanity.
3. Become a monk, temple optional.
4. Spend a year or two in quiet contemplation. (see above)
5. Seek out weaknesses in your own self and destroy them, one by one.
6. Emerge from your cocoon, smarter better faster stronger.
7. Reconnect.
8. Make your own life as you want it.
9. Choose your next relationship wisely.
10. Put in the effort and hope it works out.
In retrospect, there is probably a better way. For me though, the ride was hard. I had studied up, I was knowledgable, hell, I considered myself quite experienced- a young master at work. After that oh so epic fail, I had to to break my own ego, and reconsider things. Reconsider everything. I had to accept the possibility that everything I knew about myself and about relationships was deeply flawed, and rebuild those ideas, one at a time.
In the end I think the overhaul was a good move, and the disconnection allowed me to drop bad influences (in my case certain habits and specific people) and keep up the good ones. I'm not suggesting everyone should do this, but I definately had to. Too many things (ie. reality) had pointed out that I was simply too full of my own BS to leave room for meaningful interaction. I ain't saying I'm feces free or that it has no odour, but I think its fair to say I did a pretty good job of ditching the vast majority of it. I certainly feel lighter and more like myself, my real self, than I ever have.
The upside is that because my new relationship is based around having someone know me for who and what I am, faults flaws strengths and all, its more truthful, more honest and so more meaningful than any others I've had. It may die, there are no guarentees, but even if it did, the enjoyment and satisfaction I've gotten out of it would outweigh any regrets. Also, I could start something like it all over again and still be entirely content with life as it is.
For someone chronically depressed for pretty much thier whole life up to that point, thats saying something. *shrug* Everybody finds their own way, I guess. At least, I hope they find it, its pretty good stuff once you get going.
Seriously, this is the good shit right here. Aside from keeping yourself physically healthy, there is really not a damn thing you can do. You just gotta ride it out. There's nothing really wrong with seeing someone else, but the chances are you're too broken right now to do anything productive. Don't go trawling for dates.
Speaking of which, I need to take my own advice and get back in the gym. Stupid women and their commitment issues.
I also second the cut off contact part but if there are unanswered questions hanging over your head there is nothing wrong with trying to get them answered.
I can also recommend exercise. I started doing that when I was feeling down and it helped me feel better. And even though I'm over it I still exercise. Having a plan for that helps too - check out the fitness thread.
Time heals all too.
[/SayAnything]
2. drink
I get that you're referencing something here, but don't make these kinds of posts. It's terribly stupid advice and it's actually not all that clever of a post, either.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
No
Not this
Not this ever.
I tired this. All I ended up with is a 56% on my chem midterm, and bad drunken memories of missing her.
Yes, I feel I must add that alcohol is a terrible solution. Being a solo drunk never solved anything.
However, getting a bunch of friends together, going out, and having a good time that may include alcohol is a pretty awesome idea, as long as you go out with the idea firmly in place that you're going to focus on what awesome friends you have and not the breakup.
Getting a bunch of friends together and watching some badass movies is good, too. Don't watch anything schmoopy. The correct kind of movie has lots of gratuitous explosions and car chases, maybe some sort of buddy-cop nonsense, that sort of thing. I recommend something like Hard Boiled.
ARGGHHHHHH
Anyway, I usually work out a lot after a breakup. I don't consciously try, it just happens. And I generally feel emotionally when I feel and look healthier.
Just want to point out that there is a ton of good advice, and some of it may work. The fact is, though, you will have to find your own way to do this.
It helps to think how you get over other failures in life. From simple things like failing a test to somewhat more complicated ones such as moving to new cities. How you were able to deal with those will probably be a decent indicator to how you will best deal with this.
For my part, I can only offer that I had the easiest time trying to objectively look at things and determine what I may have misunderstood and done incorrectly. Do not worry with assigning blame, as that is next to worthless. Instead, look for any lessons you can and learn from them. Be honest, even harsh at times, but always realistic. Sometimes there really is nothing to be learned from what happened, sometimes there is. If you find yourself constantly thinking of the same things over and over, talk about them specifically with someone. Until you have some other insite, you are not likely to make progress. Other people can help.
I don't want it to sound like I'm some sort of anti-social freak, just that I open up more to people I know and I really do like talking to others. It's just kind of hard starting that conversation up and as much as people say that girls will come out, I just haven't experienced it yet. Eh, I really should try harder.
I wouldn't actively start looking for another relationship right away. It seems that this relationship 'broke you' a little bit, and you need to spend sometime just being happy with yourself. Now I'm not saying pass up any opportunities to date, just don't go looking for them. At least, not until you are comfortable with yourself.
Stay busy, and positive and youll be fine. Just dont mope around the house for a long time, eating cereal and staying in your pajamas all day/night.... it wont help you - Trust me!