Sorry, I'm a bit of a paranoid nut job about these things.
Gotta go to work.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
Look, if you're going to get past this, you have to get over your friend's "rules." You can have rules like "Please don't date my ex for at least 6 months after we break up," but your friend is not a pimp and you're not paying the girls by the hour to talk to them. They're individuals -- your friend doesn't "own" them.
It sounds like your friends are causing you to be socially stunted, at this point.
You gotta practice to be sociable, I read an article recently about learning how to make small talk and it mentioned that one of the best ways to get started is to use this "Yes, and..." technique to keep the conversation going.
Basically it says if the person says something, try to do a: Person: "It's really cold out", You: "Yes, and have you seen the way people are driving, it's a mess out there!" instead of just going, "Yeah, it is"
The other thing I thought was kind of useful was this statistic about how when you screw up or think you screwed up, it's usually only 50% as bad as you think. So if you walk into a room of 10 people and tirp and fall on your face, you think everyone there noticed but really only 5 people probably saw it.
The point being, if you think you screwed up with this girl, it's probably only half as bad as you think
There's one girl at work that I can try practicing with (Just talking or hanging out, not flirting) since she sort of has the same interests that I do (Music).
But there's a bit of a problem there. Someone I know already had "Relations" with her, so I don't know how Kosher that would be, even if it's just doing platonic things.
Huh. She likes you? Does he mind if you date her. Do you mind if you date her? Does it matter if he cares?
I doubt it.
But even then, there's a rule that we have. "Friends aren't supposed to go for other friend's previous dates/relationships".
Don't know if just doing platonic things might be a problem though.
There's an entire ongoing thread about this subject in D&D. If it wasn't a serious relationship that ended recently, you're probably good to go. Just let your friend know before hand or ask if he's cool with it.
And about the girl, she started a small conversation again today, but it still felt like she didn't really feel like talking to me (The Coffee Lounge again, this time she didn't expect me to be there).
I'm going to continue beating the "you're not different" drum for another post.
Here's a general rule of them for you, and this applies to both men and women: if someone is talking to you, unless someone has a gun pointed to her head, just go ahead and assume she's doing it because she wants to talk to you.
I understand the momentary pang of anxiety when you think that the person you're talking to isn't interested in the conversation or in you personally, and I know that it's especially easy to worry about that when the object of your concern is a member of the opposite sex. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone when I say that I get that momentary wave of anxiety pretty regularly--like, every first date I've ever been on in my life, up to and including the one I was on last night. But the important thing to remember is that if someone doesn't want to talk to you, she won't.
I'm definitely going to go pick up "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
I'm going to see if I can try hanging out with more people from work.
One guy at work likes to create get togethers at bars with other people from work. That should get me to open up more hopefully.
The girl at work actually talked to me again with a work related question, it's been a while since she did that. Hopefully the weirdness (Even if it was probably not that bad) has passed, and I could at least start talking to her.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
I'm definitely going to go pick up "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
I'm going to see if I can try hanging out with more people from work.
One guy at work likes to create get togethers at bars with other people from work. That should get me to open up more hopefully.
The girl at work actually talked to me again with a work related question, it's been a while since she did that. Hopefully the weirdness (Even if it was probably not that bad) has passed, and I could at least start talking to her.
In most situations, the weirdness doesn't exist. It's in your head, really.
I'm definitely going to go pick up "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
I'm going to see if I can try hanging out with more people from work.
One guy at work likes to create get togethers at bars with other people from work. That should get me to open up more hopefully.
The girl at work actually talked to me again with a work related question, it's been a while since she did that. Hopefully the weirdness (Even if it was probably not that bad) has passed, and I could at least start talking to her.
In most situations, the weirdness doesn't exist. It's in your head, really.
In most situations, the weirdness doesn't exist. It's in your head, really.
Interesting way of looking at things.
It was not the girl who had a bad reaction to the conversation, it was the guy. *He* felt awkward. She was probably thinking "Why do I make guys feel awkward? Is it the way I dress? Am I too unapproachable?"
In most situations, the weirdness doesn't exist. It's in your head, really.
Interesting way of looking at things.
It was not the girl who had a bad reaction to the conversation, it was the guy. *He* felt awkward. She was probably thinking "Why do I make guys feel awkward? Is it the way I dress? Am I too unapproachable?"
Exactly. The way I see it, and I find this a pretty good way to look at social interaction, is that awkwardness does not exist outside of your head. You introduce awkwardness to a situation by thinking you have to impress or act a certain way. In reality, nobody gives a crap, and the people that do are thinking the exact same thing that you are about themselves. So worrying about social interaction just leads to the problems that you are trying to prevent.
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
Well, I'm at work again and I almost confronted the girl again.
But this time just to be sure things were cool, and to be sure that I didn't creep her out.
The reason why I wanted to be sure all of a sudden was because apparently the janitor at our office has been hitting on and trying to "score" (one night stands) with women at the office. All of this was happening without me even knowing. I just heard about this from a recent incident.
Great...
So the usual self in me wanted to talk to her to be sure things were still cool. But I checkened out (Again, like my usual anxious self). Did I miss a near disaster? Was it a better idea to go through with it?
Sorry, I really don't know. Just goes to show how severeally messed up I am socially.
victor_c26 on
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
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WhiteZinfandelYour insidesLet me show you themRegistered Userregular
edited December 2008
Confronting people about whether you're cool with each other without being good friends goes into the creepy category. It shows them that you're paying them a lot of attention and thinking about them a lot, and if they don't really know you that's a bit scary. What you need to do is get over your anxiety and realize that even if you act like a gibbering dweeb, it's not that big of a deal. It's a chain, really. You feel anxious so you embarrass yourself so you feel anxious so you... The thing to do is force yourself to learn how to talk without being anxious. The guy who suggested that you try to strike up smalltalk with lots of people had a good idea. It'll give you practice. After that you should focus on not treating attractive girls like they're super special.
It's been so long since I've posted here, I've removed my signature since most of what I had here were broken links. Shows over, you can carry on to the next post.
So're a lot of us. Hell, just look at some of the threads I've made.
It's going to take some time to push past these issues, and it's going to take a lot of effort, probably even a total rethinking of how you approach the issue. But I guarantee you will find success eventually.
Why are you chickening out? Do you know about any of her likes; TV show, movies, sports teams? These are things you can talk to her about and use as a segway to find out if you two are cool.
And don't read too much into our advice, trust your gut sometimes. We don't know this girl, we have no real insight about her personal thought process, only you do. Analyze the situation, see if you can operate inside the situation provided, and do what you think is right. Just don't doubt yourself, and remember, your first choice is usually the right one.
You only live once, make sure it counts for something.
Edit: Seriously, what does it matter if you get rejected, or if a girl thinks your "creepy". Every woman wants something different from the next. And every man gets rejected. (Unless he never puts himself out there) So what, she says no, or she thinks you're creepy. Big deal. Eventually you'll find a girl who says yes, or thinks that your trait that some girl's find creepy, is actually appealing to them. You have to play if you want to win.
Rejection ain't shit. Love is everything. If all of us lived in fear of rejection, none of us would be happy. Risk and reward bro, no risk, no reward. Being told to go away isn't the end of the world, it's just another part of life.
WhiteZinfandelYour insidesLet me show you themRegistered Userregular
edited December 2008
Oh, and another thing: stop being self-deprecating. Talking about how much you suck will mostly convince everyone (you included) that you suck. Not to say that you should completely delude yourself as to how awesome you are, just acknowledge that you've got some areas to grow in and leave it at that.
Posts
Thanks for all the help guys.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a paranoid nut job about these things.
Gotta go to work.
It sounds like your friends are causing you to be socially stunted, at this point.
Yep. I real friend would help you get laid (or meet some girl. whatever.), not prevent it.
Basically it says if the person says something, try to do a: Person: "It's really cold out", You: "Yes, and have you seen the way people are driving, it's a mess out there!" instead of just going, "Yeah, it is"
The other thing I thought was kind of useful was this statistic about how when you screw up or think you screwed up, it's usually only 50% as bad as you think. So if you walk into a room of 10 people and tirp and fall on your face, you think everyone there noticed but really only 5 people probably saw it.
The point being, if you think you screwed up with this girl, it's probably only half as bad as you think
There's an entire ongoing thread about this subject in D&D. If it wasn't a serious relationship that ended recently, you're probably good to go. Just let your friend know before hand or ask if he's cool with it.
The Clintons.
but boy is the act-like-an-asshole routine fun!
I'm going to continue beating the "you're not different" drum for another post.
Here's a general rule of them for you, and this applies to both men and women: if someone is talking to you, unless someone has a gun pointed to her head, just go ahead and assume she's doing it because she wants to talk to you.
I understand the momentary pang of anxiety when you think that the person you're talking to isn't interested in the conversation or in you personally, and I know that it's especially easy to worry about that when the object of your concern is a member of the opposite sex. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone when I say that I get that momentary wave of anxiety pretty regularly--like, every first date I've ever been on in my life, up to and including the one I was on last night. But the important thing to remember is that if someone doesn't want to talk to you, she won't.
I'm definitely going to go pick up "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
I'm going to see if I can try hanging out with more people from work.
One guy at work likes to create get togethers at bars with other people from work. That should get me to open up more hopefully.
The girl at work actually talked to me again with a work related question, it's been a while since she did that. Hopefully the weirdness (Even if it was probably not that bad) has passed, and I could at least start talking to her.
In most situations, the weirdness doesn't exist. It's in your head, really.
This is what I'm trying to convey to you.
Interesting way of looking at things.
It was not the girl who had a bad reaction to the conversation, it was the guy. *He* felt awkward. She was probably thinking "Why do I make guys feel awkward? Is it the way I dress? Am I too unapproachable?"
Exactly. The way I see it, and I find this a pretty good way to look at social interaction, is that awkwardness does not exist outside of your head. You introduce awkwardness to a situation by thinking you have to impress or act a certain way. In reality, nobody gives a crap, and the people that do are thinking the exact same thing that you are about themselves. So worrying about social interaction just leads to the problems that you are trying to prevent.
Thanks Spawn and CelestialBadger.
Thanks again everybody.
But this time just to be sure things were cool, and to be sure that I didn't creep her out.
The reason why I wanted to be sure all of a sudden was because apparently the janitor at our office has been hitting on and trying to "score" (one night stands) with women at the office. All of this was happening without me even knowing. I just heard about this from a recent incident.
Great...
So the usual self in me wanted to talk to her to be sure things were still cool. But I checkened out (Again, like my usual anxious self). Did I miss a near disaster? Was it a better idea to go through with it?
Sorry, I really don't know. Just goes to show how severeally messed up I am socially.
So're a lot of us. Hell, just look at some of the threads I've made.
It's going to take some time to push past these issues, and it's going to take a lot of effort, probably even a total rethinking of how you approach the issue. But I guarantee you will find success eventually.
And don't read too much into our advice, trust your gut sometimes. We don't know this girl, we have no real insight about her personal thought process, only you do. Analyze the situation, see if you can operate inside the situation provided, and do what you think is right. Just don't doubt yourself, and remember, your first choice is usually the right one.
You only live once, make sure it counts for something.
Edit: Seriously, what does it matter if you get rejected, or if a girl thinks your "creepy". Every woman wants something different from the next. And every man gets rejected. (Unless he never puts himself out there) So what, she says no, or she thinks you're creepy. Big deal. Eventually you'll find a girl who says yes, or thinks that your trait that some girl's find creepy, is actually appealing to them. You have to play if you want to win.
Rejection ain't shit. Love is everything. If all of us lived in fear of rejection, none of us would be happy. Risk and reward bro, no risk, no reward. Being told to go away isn't the end of the world, it's just another part of life.
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