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Posts
here's one:
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too!
.....and then the fight started.....
*************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
......and then the fight started.
*************************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
....and then the fight started.
********************************************************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
...and then the fight started.
hahaha, nice
i think my favorite anti-obama email was this one:
According to the book of Revelation, the anti-Christ: will be a man in his 40s,
of MUSLIM descent, who will come out of nowhere, deceive the nations with
persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal..... the prophesy
says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world
peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA?
I STRONGLY URGE YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT AND SEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO HAVE
THE PRIVILEGE TO VOTE. THE BOOK OF REVELATION SAYS THAT THE BEAST WILL BE
ALLOWED TO HAVE AUTHORITY APPROX 42 months (in ch.13) That’s almost a 4 year
presidency term.
Lord have mercy on us!
edit: the kenyan connection one was pretty entertaining too
I do believe I'm coming down with the vapors
oh yeah... i actually chided my parents, cuz they're actually pretty well versed in scripture, but i guess when you are so willing to believe something, you just accept it as truth and dont check the facts.
edit: whoa, that statement ran deeper than i originally intended it to
That's how God wants it to go down.
Point is, he's not white. Enough.
Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack
has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a t.v. cable
from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health
insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister.
I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me formy fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a
gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig upYasser Arafat, for shit sakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not
want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get
another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too
damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us
running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture
you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served
in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances
up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province
for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA !!!
to which i responded with:
they ask for that stuff for security reasons to protect you from identity theft
if they sent you the passport form in the mail with all of your personal information filled out and someone managed to get a hold of that (not too hard) then it's pretty much a free fake passport
the ending was especially ignorant. someone who was raised in communist china.
they ask for someone who is in a high position in society to sign off on those because if it is found that they signed off on a fraudulent passport form, they are held responsible. not too many people who paid for 10+ years of schooling for medicine or law are willing to give that up so joe blow can get a fake passport.
people are so fucking stupid it's maddening.
and of course, it was typed in comic sans 14 point font.
font of choice for the blue collared e-mailer.
ahhaah there was a little link at the bottom to get custom animations for your emails.
retarded.
my dad is awesome
The fools.
Also she mentions the census - no, those are anonymous. Unless she's talking about some Canadian census, in which case who gives a fuck. Canada sucks.
He's got a good sense of humor that is apparently quite similar to my own!
though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail
Wait a minute.
How the fuck?
At the end of the census there's a secret word.
They go around asking people what the secret word is, and if you can't answer you're thrown in jail.
I'm not really sure how that works. vsove's solution is as good as any.
"Man I don't remember, fuck you in your ass."
Wait, so you saw last year's census?
I can't think of anything witty to say to that. Touché.
Also:
So not only do I have to read it, I have to then reply all and make sure everyone knows how retarded it is. I don't want my sister picking up on it through osmosis or some shit.
STEAM ID
or are you just dumb
I just got one of those "for every time you forward this, microsoft will send you $430" emails
from a guy I met once THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO and haven't heard from since
hey, fuck you right in your retarded fucking ass, guy
but today I got this email from her (she never, ever, ever forwards me emails, but I guess there's a first time for everything)
Otoh, my grandfather lived to be almost 97 and used email regularly right up until he died. His favorite thing to do was send you an email and then call you on the phone 5 minutes later to ask "did you get my email"? The awesomenes of this was enhanced by the fact that he lived on the east coast and would call us here on the west coast at 5 am..... HIS time. I'll let you do the math on that one.
when I started leaving the house to hang out with my friends or living with my dad or whatever the fuck, she started doing the same thing with calls. she would call me, we'd talk for ten minutes, she would call me back and be like "OH I FORGOT THAT..." It only took twenty or twenty-five times of her doing this for me to get pretty annoyed, and now if she calls back within ten minutes of us hanging up, whatever, she can leave a message, she just has information for me anyway.
now that I'm at college she e-mails me big long e-mails, then e-mails me three minutes later with the tagline "One more thing...", even doing this two or three times. Sometimes she e-mails me something that ends with "I'm going to look up bus prices and times" and e-mails back five minutes later saying "ok so the bus leaves now and now and costs this much." This doesn't happen once in a while. This happens ALWAYS.
This is THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING THING to me. I come home to five or six e-mails. This isn't like leaving the room and realizing you forgot to bring something up - it's fucking TEXT, sent over the internet. You can consolidate your thoughts before you send me an e-mail. If once in a while you go "oh I left something out" that's fine, but I feel like my mom e-mails me every time she thinks of something instead of going "hey maybe I'll just e-mail him tonight with everything I think of between now and then" or "hey I need to remind my son of something why don't I write a reminder or start a list or something"
I dunno. It bugs me.
Thank god for gmail labels.