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Help / Advice Forum: AWESOME POST in "Romantic Relationships: What do I do?", by Sarcastro

JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting DefenseRegistered User regular
edited January 2009 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
JohnnyCache has reported a post.

Reason:
everyone should have to sign something saying they've read this post before they make a thread in h/a
Forum: Help / Advice Forum
Post: Romantic Relationships: What do I do?
Posted by: Sarcastro


Original Content:
Dont forget that part of the rom-com culture is to tell you that you are only half a person without someone in your life. That the very thought of being happy or satisfied with your life, no matter your success, is to share yourself with another.

Which is pretty much bullshit. Romantic relationships are just a bonus to a meaningful life, not a requirement. Be happy with yourself- make your own life just for you. Don't worry about being 'compatible' or desirable. Those are empty ended traits. It doesn't matter if you can twist your mind to accept any person who wanders your way, because over time you'll naturally untwist, and then you wont find that person as desirable anymore. If you're just putting on a show to hook people in, sooner or later you'll get tired of raising that curtain and performing, and then the whole thing will turn to shit.

The thing is, we are often told that we have to bend or manipulate ourselves to be better than we are- not just in rom culture, but in mass media as a whole. We are told time and time again that there are 'tricks' or shortcuts or magic feathers that can enable us to surpass ourselves and finally get what we want.

But there are no shortcuts, there are no silver bullets, there is no DaVinci code. There is only you as you are, with all of the tools and experiences you have, doing the best with what you are given. That's all anybody has. Develop your own tools and means and experiences, become the person you want to be, not the situation.

Situations change; in fact every situation is always changing constantly. Therefor, seeking out or investing in a circumstance will always come up short. Even if you succeed, it is only there for an instant before its gone. Invest in yourself, in your body, mind and personality, and those are assets that you carry with you to any circumstance, to any situation- even as those things change around you.

Don't worry about being the 'right person' at some magical moment when you supposedly meet your fate and it smiles back at you. You, no matter what, are always going to be the right person, the only person you can be in the course of your life. Opportunities will show themselves no matter what you make of yourself, as long as you are moving forward in your life. Those relationships, those chances for growth, will take the shape of what you need, of who you are and where you are going in your life.

When a person decides to grow, they can move in any direction. The pressure they put on the world, the people and institutions they interact with to acheive thier goals, creates a sort of social slipstream effect. It's easier to move in that direction if someone is going the same way, even easier if someone has been that way before and can show you how to get there.

What happens in life, is that people who interact with others constantly, notice this effect either directly or indirectly, and begin to put in their own effort in that direction. Its a natural thing to do, maximizing ones gains for that amount of work. Over time, people come to realize that the way is easier with specific people, and that over the long run, with many of the same ideologies towards progression and long-term goals in common, its a good thing to join forces on more than just a temporary level. Communication is set up to ensure that both gains and goals remain in common, and a commited team effort begins to form.

This is the foundation for pretty much any healthy relationship, and its the reason why you don't need to worry about where you are going, so much as to make sure that you are going somewhere. No matter how you choose to grow, this slipstream effect is created, and other people will naturally be drawn into your world and center of influence. This is why growing 'for others' is a complete waste of time and effort. Put all that energy, that focus into going where you want to go, to where you need to be, and others are going to come along naturally.

This is what I meant by saying that solid romantic relationships are a bonus, a side effect effect of having a meaningful life. If you try and manufacture the effect, it's shallow, often directionless and dissipates the very second you stop pouring your effort into it. The real deal is a natural byproduct of the forward momentum one obtains through the development of themselves as a person, and is naturally sustained by that energy.

Movie and media culture, story telling, marketing, etc, all work by manipulating the perception of cause and effect. This happens so this happens etc. Thats what drives arbitrary interest forward. Its universal because these things are produced to be observed. What often lies uncaptured by this method, is the real life social synergies that are created through daily experiences and contact, a very 'un-visual' thing.

You've started to notice how 'what can be shown' falls flat in reality, because there is simply more to the experience than what can be explicity observed. And good job, because there is. So go out and live your life- you're the only one who can.

JohnnyCache on
"Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan

Posts

  • JAEFJAEF Unstoppably Bald Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Would have been five stars for accuracy, but minus one for making me say "rom-com" to myself a few times in my head to figure out what the fuck it was referencing, and then never leaving. It's all I can think about. Rom-com. You can do anything at rom-com. Anything at all. Welcome to rom-com.

    Battle.net ID: Jaef#1126 -- Steam: Jaef -- PSN: Jaef -- League of Legends: Jaef
  • IvarIvar Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I prefer rom-zom-com.

  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    rom dot com

    --

    5 stars for the truth.

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
  • Panda4YouPanda4You Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Al Pacino's posting in H/A?!

    "In this discussion of copyright it's actually appropriate to call it theft:
    This music is being (preemptively) removed from the public domain; it's being stolen from the people."
  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY EVERY DAYRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    romantic comedy you twits

    anyways, amazing post, 500,000 stars

    xcomsig.png
  • Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    romantic comedy you twits

    anyways, amazing post, 500,000 stars

    500,000 and 1 stars

    headphones2.jpg
  • Dr SnofeldDr Snofeld Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Fallout wrote: »
    romantic comedy you twits

    anyways, amazing post, 500,000 stars

    500,000 and 1 stars

    Hey, there's no call for that, this isn't The Price Is Right.

    Also, 5 stars from me.

    l4d_sig.png
  • ButlerButler 89 episodes or bust Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Everyone in H/A should read this post

    but most won't

    most won't even heed the advice posted in their own threads

    The Genius of the Daleks

    Latest upload: Chapter Five on 13th of March, 2014
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Butler wrote: »
    Everyone in H/A should read this post

    but most won't

    most won't even heed the advice posted in their own threads

    That's because people are very rarely actually seeking advice, even if they couch their requests as such.

    What people are usually looking for is either acceptance or validation. They want agreement. They want yes-men. And some just want pity.

    But hardly anyone actually wants advice, even if they start off thinking they do. Suddenly a bunch of people are spitting ideas and judgments at them and the brain flips into "whoa, whoa, whoa, these people don't know anything about my life" mode and the ears go deaf.

    steam_sig.png
  • real_pochaccoreal_pochacco Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I feel like this post has got a lot of things going for it, but I really don't like the "cult of the self" aspect of it. I think personal growth is important, and I like the idea of a slipstream effect, but I don't see why that kind of growth can't happen in the context of other people. Because, if done right, even after someone else has left your life the changes you made in your own with them will stick around. So the question isn't really, are other people involved with personal change?, it's more like, which is the bigger focus when it comes to personal growth with another person, the personal part or the other person? I don't really think you can just swing one way or the other on that one.

  • LateNightcatLateNightcat Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Everyone dealing with relationships should read this post.

  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I feel like this post has got a lot of things going for it, but I really don't like the "cult of the self" aspect of it. I think personal growth is important, and I like the idea of a slipstream effect, but I don't see why that kind of growth can't happen in the context of other people. Because, if done right, even after someone else has left your life the changes you made in your own with them will stick around. So the question isn't really, are other people involved with personal change?, it's more like, which is the bigger focus when it comes to personal growth with another person, the personal part or the other person? I don't really think you can just swing one way or the other on that one.

    Well, the post is in reply to a person that can't meet the other people you posit. Sar wasn't telling someone with a perfectly functioning relationship to dump her and work on himself. He's saying, correctly IMO, that working relationships happen best and soonest between working, healthy, autonomous people.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • ForarForar #432 Already prepping for Toronto Fan Expo!Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Everyone dealing with relationships should read this post.

    Hell, it should be required reading around High School or so.

    sigtwo.png
  • DarmakDarmak Godking of the Snerkywizards Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Drez wrote: »
    Butler wrote: »
    Everyone in H/A should read this post

    but most won't

    most won't even heed the advice posted in their own threads

    That's because people are very rarely actually seeking advice, even if they couch their requests as such.

    What people are usually looking for is either acceptance or validation. They want agreement. They want yes-men. And some just want pity.

    But hardly anyone actually wants advice, even if they start off thinking they do. Suddenly a bunch of people are spitting ideas and judgments at them and the brain flips into "whoa, whoa, whoa, these people don't know anything about my life" mode and the ears go deaf.

    This is the fucking truth because I once made a similar thread and did the exact same thing. Goddamn was I stupid. Everyone should read this, I figured it out on my own eventually but it would have saved a lot of effort and humiliation if I had read this back when I was a lot younger.

    PIZTDhW.jpg
  • Tommy2HandsTommy2Hands what is this where am i Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    This is a great post....
    1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.9 stars

    Tumbling
    MacGuffin wrote: »
    Baka!
    Belief in the heart of friendship and you'll always be kawaii Tommy-Chan!

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