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Anger management--I need a crash course on it

yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
edited December 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Okay, yet another Yalborap thread. Today we're focusing on something that's been bugging me as of late.

I have anger issues. I have these in the same variety that leads crazy people to shoot up schools and offices; I hold it all in, let it bubble up until it fills to the brim, then I explode when I can't hold it in any longer. Now, there is a significant chance this is one of those many things interlinked with my various issues.

We are not here to discuss those at length, however. We are here, purely, to focus on ways of letting anger out rationally and keeping stress levels down.

Here's what I've got so far:
-Violent videogames and the like. The main issue with this one is that if it's too easy I feel nothing, but if it's too hard it makes me even worse than when I started. Potential, but going to need a lot of fine-tuning. Or a god mode cheat. Either or.

-Hitting a pillow/punching my bed/etc. Works. Works very well. I REALLY don't like the relative lack of control it leaves me with, or the feeling I get in the actual act.

-Counting to 10, breathing deeply, etc. Does jack shit for me. Counted to at least 100 while thinking about this and writing the, still want to duct tape a weasel to a stick of dynamite on a model rocket and light the fuses.

-Going for a walk and the like. The main issue here is the simple fact that it is inherently linked to being able to go outside without issue. Potential in the afternoon, useless at 2 AM.

-Are there any healthy ways to express it in smaller doses? Would just speaking my mind bluntly and at the time and the like just make me a cock, or would it help?

That's all I can think of. Drugs are out, both pharmaceutical and otherwise. I've got nothing against them, but I do not like mind-altering substances, and I REALLY don't like tying not-freaking-the-fuck-out to their continued use.

Methods of getting endorphins without slamming too heavily against my social problems(working on that one step at a time, and this is one of those steps) help too, since keeping in a good mood in the first place is far better than defusing a timebomb of rage.

So, any ideas?

yalborap on
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Posts

  • zz_tophatzz_tophat Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I could help you if i knew you but i don't so I'd recommend finding someone in your area that can help.

    As far as the various anger control methods go, how well they work varies from person to person so any advice you get here would just be something that might help "someone" but necessarily you.

    What i can say is this stop punching your pillow, find something more substantial (like a punching bag) and hit that. it's all about the level of physical resistance, if it's a chore to punch then you will tire quickly and tired = not angry.

    Also: Breath, always breath.

    My mission in life is to be BANNED not because I've broken a rule but because I've said something so mind blowing it BURNS DOWN TEH INTERNETS!
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    zz_tophat wrote: »
    I could help you if i knew you but i don't so I'd recommend finding someone in your area that can help.

    As far as the various anger control methods go, how well they work varies from person to person so any advice you get here would just be something that might help "someone" but necessarily you.

    What i can say is this stop punching your pillow, find something more substantial (like a punching bag) and hit that. it's all about the level of physical resistance, if it's a chore to punch then you will tire quickly and tired = not angry.

    Also: Breath, always breath.

    I don't like how I feel when taking out my anger by beating the crap out of stuff in general. It's what my dad does, and stuff like that is how various childhood items got broke'd.

    I'll do it if I can't find anything else, but to be honest, I'd like to stay as far away from it as a solution as possible.

  • HK5HK5 Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I would suggest trying to find out the underlying reason you're angry. If you find yourself unreasonably angered by everyday things there is probably something else going on. Try finding a counselor or psychologist who can explore this with you. I realize that talking about your problems might seem like a less satisfying solution than just physically releasing your anger but I can assure you it has more longer term success.

  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    HK5 wrote: »
    I would suggest trying to find out the underlying reason you're angry. If you find yourself unreasonably angered by everyday things there is probably something else going on. Try finding a counselor or psychologist who can explore this with you. I realize that talking about your problems might seem like a less satisfying solution than just physically releasing your anger but I can assure you it has more longer term success.

    Unfortunately, such methods are currently out, as the financial crisis has left me unable to afford even the tiny fragments of cash still required when insurance covers it. A shrink is on the top of my list of things to look into properly when the money's there, but right now it just isn't there.

  • HK5HK5 Registered User
    edited December 2008
    That's rough, I'm glad it's a priority for you when you do become more solvent. In the interim I would say try to focus on the types of things that do seem to trigger your anger to gain a better understanding of what seems to set you off. It might help you avoid those situations or at least recognize when you need to employ some kind of mitigation the most. Getting plenty of physical exercise, lots of sleep and trying to reduce the amount of stress in your life would help too.

  • zz_tophatzz_tophat Registered User
    edited December 2008
    You could always do what i did and invest a considerable amount of time and energy studying the martial arts. hidden underneath all the hoodoo words like "chi" and "kai" are methods that allow more direct control of things like heart rate and the adrenal gland. Trust me you won't feel angry from more than a moment when you can slow your heart rate to 40 beats per minute just by exhaling.

    I didn't learn this by myself however and i doubt this would work for everyone. I'd highly recommend you find someone or something to help you because going at a problem like this alone would most likely end in frustration.

    My mission in life is to be BANNED not because I've broken a rule but because I've said something so mind blowing it BURNS DOWN TEH INTERNETS!
  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2008
    Don't know if this will help, but I'm starting to think that expressing anger too much isn't so great. I've been kind of riling myself up mentally in order to get through cardio workouts by visualising myself in fights and stuff (running is boring, I'm not naturally inclined to run for ages, and adrenaline = performance), but I seem to be getting more and more irate as a result outside of that, which isn't cool. Feeding those emotions doesn't seem long-term productive to me at all, so I'm trying not to do that anymore.

    That's not to say that physical activity is a bad idea - stuff like weights and pilates doesn't seem to demand the same 'raaar' approach for me, so maybe try yoga or something. Sublimate that excess energy into something that's productive for you, rather than something that encourages further indulgence in aggression. Bear in mind that what clicks in that respect might not be what works for me - you may be the opposite, and find running more calming than lifting. Might take some experiments to figure out what actually calms you in the long term as opposed to just relieving an itch in the short term.

    tmsig.jpg
  • SatanIsMyMotorSatanIsMyMotor Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The Cat wrote: »
    Don't know if this will help, but I'm starting to think that expressing anger too much isn't so great.

    I 100% agree with this. If I'm angry I just express what I'm thinking then, if I'm still angry, I remove myself from the situation. Even if it just means leaving the room for 5-10 minutes.

    I've never understood people who punch pillows, walls, etc. I guess it's fine if you're 11 but I think grown ups should express themselves in grown up ways. It really isn't that hard to do. As humans we're pretty simple creatures. If you remove yourself from the stimulus your body will just naturally start to calm itself down. You won't feel that way while you're in the situation but if you listen to your underlying logic you'll see the positive effects it has in the end.

    steam_sig.png
  • DisDis Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Think back how silly you are for getting angry over something?
    And think how you should have dealt the situation in a better way?

    Most of the time people get angry over silly things.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA
    edited December 2008
    I'm in agreement with the cat here. When I'm frustrated by something, I will frequently clean. Dishes are the best. No mashing things around and grumbling allowed either, I just take a few deep breaths and go do something productive. Dishes are great because you can focus in on all of the menial, ridiculous physical details of what you're doing and lose yourself in the process.

    Lifting weights is similar, it drives you to focusing inwards onto things that don't have emotional factors involved, and spending a half hour concentrating as deeply as possible on form and physical feeling leaves you both mentally refreshed and exhausted and in a great mood. When I don't have any dishes to wash, I lift.

    I think that's the real trick: understanding that anger isn't the most important thing, and being angry isn't how you wanna be. Find something useful or productive that you can really focus on and meditate through, and do that. Ideally something that forces you into meditation for long enough that when you come out the other end, anger isn't even on your list of priorities anymore.

    But do me a favor and the next time you're completely pissed off, just stop yourself, take a few really slow, really deep breaths. Like the kind where you stretch your ribcage out. Then ask yourself if it's important that you remain angry. Just consider whether or not it's really all that vital to be pissed off and think about all of the stuff you could be doing that doesn't involve stewing about.

    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
  • EndomaticEndomatic Registered User
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    HK5 wrote: »
    I would suggest trying to find out the underlying reason you're angry. If you find yourself unreasonably angered by everyday things there is probably something else going on. Try finding a counselor or psychologist who can explore this with you. I realize that talking about your problems might seem like a less satisfying solution than just physically releasing your anger but I can assure you it has more longer term success.

    Unfortunately, such methods are currently out, as the financial crisis has left me unable to afford even the tiny fragments of cash still required when insurance covers it. A shrink is on the top of my list of things to look into properly when the money's there, but right now it just isn't there.

    This is definitely a contributing source of your problems. I know when I have financial difficulty it stresses me out to no end. It bothers me more than any other thing in this world.

    How about working out? I don't know how big your city or town is, are there 24 hour gyms there? Working out is the best way to dissolve those feelings I find. You work out, you get tired, and you lose your will to be angry because you feel good after doing it.

    If you're not someone who works out regularly, it will probably be tough to motivate yourself. I know I still have this problem myself, so I'm being hypocritical.

    If you can't afford a psychologist, like a lot of people, especially now, then you need to do a few things. Find a family member to talk to. Someone who shares a lot of your views and will be sympathetic and helpful. If that's not feasible, find a friend.

    If none of those work, and you are extremely money tight, I would at least suggest you research a good book to buy/take out. It'll be a stop gap at worst, and may serve to help you turn things around.

    What I try and do is view my anger, depression and anxiety as a different part of me that exists in the subconscious. Like a child that didn't grow up. The child is one telling me to behave in these manners. So what I do is I tell that "child" to shut up. I will consciously tell myself that I will not listen to the child and I won't behave that way because it's, well, childish. You force yourself to think a different way.

    It might seem silly, but it works for me. It doesn't ALWAYS work, because it's difficult for me to not immediately feel anger or anxiety at an undesirable situation. That's how I've reacted to things. That's how my parents reacted to things, so it's what I know.

    What I'm trying to say is that turning your situation around starts with changing the way you think. That's a big step to take, and one that a lot of people don't even attempt. It's a hard step. The hardest one.

    If you can change the way you think, you can change the way you act, and react.

  • DragonPupDragonPup Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    If you want a pair of short books, I recommand The 'Tao of Pooh' and 'Siddhatha'. They might help your outlook on life and make some sense of it.

    "I was there, I was there, the day Horus slew the Emperor." -Cpt Garviel Loken

    Currently painting: Space Wolves [flickr]
  • hoodie13hoodie13 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Yal.

    The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.

    You.
    Need.
    Counseling.

    Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.

    3DS Friend Code: 4398-9162-1823 ||| PSN: HoodieThirteen ||| XBL: Torn Hoodie ||| @hoodiethirteen
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    hoodie13 wrote: »
    Yal.

    The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.

    You.
    Need.
    Counseling.

    Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.

    Unless someone here is a licensed professional willing to be paid in the word 'hug' surrounded by a pair of asterisks, I'm completely shit out of luck at least until after Christmas break.

  • WickerBasketWickerBasket Registered User
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    hoodie13 wrote: »
    Yal.

    The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.

    You.
    Need.
    Counseling.

    Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.

    Unless someone here is a licensed professional willing to be paid in the word 'hug' surrounded by a pair of asterisks, I'm completely shit out of luck at least until after Christmas break.
    This isn't a long term solution but you could try find a healthier outlet for your anger.

    Any kind of contact sport would be good for this. Boxings really good to let out aggression and it helps you keep fit as well.

    Really though, if your anger problems are so bad that you're breaking stuff then you should see someone about it once you can afford to.

    "please get on point coward baby magets."

    PSN = Wicker86 ________ Gamertag = Wicker86
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Nothing's been broken yet by MY hand, but that's more a testament to modern controller/mouse engineering than anything else.

  • LailLail Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I don't get mad often, but when I do I find the best thing for me is to go lift weights, or do push-ups or something like that. Nevermind taking ten deep breaths, drop down and do 100 push-ups. That "rawr-rawr I gotta smash things" feeling will magically disappear.

  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    One kind of therapy that worked well for me for stuff other than anger was writing down exactly what triggered my strong feelings. It doesn't have to be a long journal entry--that may actually be counterproductive--but more like a list of when you got angry, how much (on a scale of whatever you want, like 1 to 5 fists), and why. Something like:

    Tuesday, 7:44am - traffic really slow and I'm running late to work, 3 fists
    Tuesday, 8:11am - boss bitched at me about being late, 5 fists
    Tuesday, 10:37am - someone used the last coffee filter and didn't say anything, 2 fists

    At the end of the day, or after a few days, take a look at your list and try to think of ways to react differently to the situation or to prevent the thing from occurring. So like:

    1) Be sure to leave plenty of time to get to work, in case of bad traffic.
    2) Find a radio station I like and listen to it while driving.
    3) Get some books on CD and listen while driving.
    4) Buy my own coffee filters for emergency use, keep them in desk at work.

    Obviously, some things you can't prepare for and then you just have to deal with the anger. Do you find that you tend to get angry at people or events?

    If you get angry at people a lot, and at certain people in particular, I recommend The Dance of Anger. It's intended for women, but can be helpful to people in general. Here is an excerpt.
    Spoiler:

    “Hic non defectus est, sed cattus minxit desuper nocte quadam. Confundatur pessimus cattus qui minxit super librum istum in nocte Daventrie, et consimiliter omnes alii propter illum. Et cavendum valde ne permittantur libri aperti per noctem ubi cattie venire possunt.”
    Site | The Miami Grindstone | Twitter | Dropbox | Picture by Galen Dara
  • Phil G.Phil G. __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2008
    I second push-ups, it really works when I get angry or pissed off. And it makes you feel/look good if you get angry a lot.

    Next time you feel angry about something, drop down and do as many push-ups as you can, until you can no longer lift yourself. You're too tired afterwards to be pissed at anything.

    I kind of wish pi day would take off like 420 has. I could back a "eat pie at 3:14, erryday" movement.
  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    hoodie13 wrote: »
    Yal.

    The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.

    You.
    Need.
    Counseling.

    Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.

    Unless someone here is a licensed professional willing to be paid in the word 'hug' surrounded by a pair of asterisks, I'm completely shit out of luck at least until after Christmas break.

    There is a free option you might find helpful for starters - Google 'MoodGYM'. Its a self-paced program that helps you spot particular emotional patterns and begin to manage them yourself. Its primarily directed at depression and anxiety, but these feed into anger, and anger is often a symptom of them too. Take some time out and give that a shot, see if it helps.

    tmsig.jpg
  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    hoodie13 wrote: »
    Yal.

    The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.

    You.
    Need.
    Counseling.

    Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.

    Unless someone here is a licensed professional willing to be paid in the word 'hug' surrounded by a pair of asterisks, I'm completely shit out of luck at least until after Christmas break.

    What's the worst consequence you've ever faced from this anger? When I'm about to knock a hole in a wall, I ask myself, "what if this was a baby instead of a nerveless, unfeeling cinderblock"

    What are you angry about? By which I mean, do you get needlessly angry about small things (traffic, not being able to find your keys, etc) or is there a large issue in your life?

    If you are walking around at a baseline unhappy level, and small things cook you over the edge, then you need to work on your general lifestyle and outlook so that every straw doesn't break your back.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The Cat wrote: »
    yalborap wrote: »
    hoodie13 wrote: »
    Yal.

    The advice I'm about to give you goes beyond just this thread.

    You.
    Need.
    Counseling.

    Financial crisis or no, you need to find just about any source of therapy you can.

    Unless someone here is a licensed professional willing to be paid in the word 'hug' surrounded by a pair of asterisks, I'm completely shit out of luck at least until after Christmas break.

    There is a free option you might find helpful for starters - Google 'MoodGYM'. Its a self-paced program that helps you spot particular emotional patterns and begin to manage them yourself. Its primarily directed at depression and anxiety, but these feed into anger, and anger is often a symptom of them too. Take some time out and give that a shot, see if it helps.

    Started it, here're the results from its 'warpy thoughts' quiz:
    The need for approval from others: 13.7%
    The need to be loved: 11.5%
    The need to succeed: 16.8%
    The need to be perfect: 16.8%
    The sense of being able to influence/be responsible for other people's emotional reactions: 17.6%
    Happiness is contingent upon external things: 12.2%
    The sense of feeling deserving: 11.5%

  • ZeromusZeromus Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    You need therapy. There are free options out there. Be proactive.

    pygsig.png
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Zeromus wrote: »
    You need therapy. There are free options out there. Be proactive.

    If you have any suggestions of truly, utterly free options other than the school counselor(who I intend to go to after Christmas break finishes), I would genuinely love to hear them.

  • ZeromusZeromus Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    Zeromus wrote: »
    You need therapy. There are free options out there. Be proactive.

    If you have any suggestions of truly, utterly free options other than the school counselor(who I intend to go to after Christmas break finishes), I would genuinely love to hear them.

    Where do you live?

    pygsig.png
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Zeromus wrote: »
    yalborap wrote: »
    Zeromus wrote: »
    You need therapy. There are free options out there. Be proactive.

    If you have any suggestions of truly, utterly free options other than the school counselor(who I intend to go to after Christmas break finishes), I would genuinely love to hear them.

    Where do you live?

    Southern California, in a little resort-town.

    EDIT: Okay, middle to high range on the anxiety test on the moodGYM thing, and 11 warped thoughts:
    Things always go wrong for me
    I'll never be able to do anything right
    If only I could be a better person
    I'm worthless, useless and inadequate
    I'm unlovable
    I always mess things up
    I'm exceptionally stupid
    I'm a fraud
    Things should always go right for me
    I'm a failure
    Nobody likes me

    That's getting a bit more general, but it might prove useful.

  • RallyGirl76RallyGirl76 __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2008
    1st things first, you're not alone , loads of people go through stuff like this, I denied it for ages, but I'm one of these people, I had some really bad stuff happen to me and I had trouble expressing it and dealing with it and it started to destroy my life, lost the love of my life, was homeless for a little while, got into debt and my health was so shitty, and I felt no self worth at the end of it all. And yet I used to be confident, always in control and the one people looked to for advice and support. It was really hard to face up to (so you have done the really hard part which is facing you have an anger issue.)

    Here is what I have been taught to do by my therapist (it’s hard, takes time and will be ongoing);

    - write a plan what are your issues (past and present), what makes you mad/angry (silly little things and big things, people, situations, objects, games, everything and anything) Why do you want to change, and lastly how your going to start the process of changing. (This is for you to have and not for anyone else, although it can help you be clearer when you get to a therapist)

    -Exclusion get rid of the things you can control (bad relationships, people taking you for granted, things that hold bad memories, things or people that hold you back, people that are not good for you, change your living arrangements if that’s the issue, take yourself away from fights or bad situations, etc)

    - Seek Help get a therapist or councillor (often schools or places of work have free services or search your local area), also confide in at least one close trustworthy friend or relative. Support is key and don't choose someone who won't be there for you, you will need them to be your strength at times (partners are not good for this either.)

    -Eat, Drink, Sleep and Exercise Well it may not seem important, but you need to do this to feel better. Food and sleep affect your moods and exercise is a healthy release of stress and emotion.

    -Keep a Diary use it to vent your thoughts and feels and no one has the right to read it so password it and say what you like (I often write things I wish I could say or should have said or draw pictures or even scribble angry messages.)

    - Repair (I’m not a fan of this point, as I had it backfire on me and left myself really really hurt!) but if you have done bad things, been angry at others, mistreated people or upset others find a way to apologise (verbally or written) or make things right (I feel this is situation based and bad people will just make you feel worse in my opinion and you have to have done some work on yourself before trying this because people may still be angry with you.) As I said this one is not my cup of tea!!!

    -Set a Goal for the future something to reward yourself for when you feel in control of it all and better about being you and you control the anger.

    I find chatting to people in similar situations handy as well, that’s why I love this site, I get to chat to intelligent people, trying to figure out what's it all about (this helps me too).

    Good Luck and if you need more support PM me.

    Shoes are better than sex...almost!
    "So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
  • ThrillaGorillaThrillaGorilla Registered User
    edited December 2008
    This is going to sound stupid, but I've always found that I can't be angry when I'm actively trying to be goofy. I have a really bad temper as well, but I have been able to control it by just acting like a fool in some way when I get angry. Obviously this is better done in private, but if you can make other people laugh then the bad mood will go away even faster (or so it seems).

    Here are a couple of my go-to methods: 1. Count from 1-10, but instead of just counting normally I count whatever items are laying around like The Count from Sesame Street, and I mean completely like him. If I'm at my house I'll usually go to the silverware drawer or my shot glasses and just start counting...ONE! One shot glass! AH AH AH!!! TWO! Two shot glasses....AH AH AH! Shaking like a muppet is not necessary, but like I said...the goofier the better. 2. Go to a mirror and just make stupid faces at myself. This one doesn't always work, but it does help to focus my attention away from whatever has set me off and on to something completely stupid. I'm sure you can come up with your own ridiculous mind games, but don't dismiss the method because it sounds dumb.

    Like I said, stupid, but try it out when you get angry and see what happens. Good luck with your anger, it's a long road to get past the "rage," but you know it's worth it and a positive attitude about it will go far.

  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    Zeromus wrote: »
    You need therapy. There are free options out there. Be proactive.

    If you have any suggestions of truly, utterly free options other than the school counselor(who I intend to go to after Christmas break finishes), I would genuinely love to hear them.

    Call the police department, ask them where they refer people who are arrested for chronic anger outbursts. Although that may cost moneys, but I can't think of a more important thing to spend it on if you're about to go all VTech or something.

  • taerictaeric Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2008
    I would suggest whatever you do to relieve the stress, at the least start with a list of all that is causing you to have anger. Releasing anger and frustration is good, but you need to know why you have this anger. Just "working it off" does not make it go away. Sometimes, simply confronting it might. (Especially if your anger stems in lack of control.)

  • Sol InvictusSol Invictus Registered User
    edited December 2008
    If and when I'm angry, I just write down about what I'm angry about in a notebook. Having spent my anger, I read what I've written and just move past it. There is absolutely no point in dwelling on these issues. Often times, you can read about what made you angry and realize how silly and insignificant all of it was. That's a good way to move past your anger.

    The point is just to get it out, accept how you feel about something, and either deal with it or move on.

    It's the reason why some people keep diaries and why others keep blogs.

    Occasionally, I'll do push-ups and crunches and by the time I'm done, I'm feeling too tired (or energized) to be angry anymore. I should add that this only postpones anger. Don't let it build up too much. You have to let it out somehow, so I really recommend writing down your issues, going over them, and arriving at the realization that things aren't as bad as your ego wants you to think.

    It beats breaking your hand on a wall and nobody gets hurt. It's a good way to build your character.

    Hellmode. We write about video games.
  • CarolinaBBQCarolinaBBQ Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I've never been big on the touchy feely self-help books but I picked up a pema chodron book that really helped me sort through my anger. She tries to encourage you to not pull away from pain but to stay with it and understand why things hurt/anger you a small step at a time.

    Her main site at shambhala

    my favorite and a great start, When Things Fall Apart

    The places that scare you, another excellent one

    I hope you find some peace of mind.

    Scri33le.png
  • NatheoNatheo Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I'm pretty angry, but I dealt with it in my own ways. I've woken up out of a dead sleep and punched a hole through drywall, over my head laying on my back, before I even came to grips at one point (this is NOT dealing with it). My hand was dripping a bit of blood with chunks of drywall in it and that's what woke me up. I guess I used to cuss in my sleep a lot too. Long story short it was due to my home situation, and moving out to my dads solved it. I get along with who I believe was the catalyst of my problem, who was not my mom. Of course there were other factors.

    Meeting a really nice girl that I'm still with helped as well.

    What's making you so pissed?

    edit: it's funny to me now cause I never fixed the hole, and I put a tony hawk underground ad from a magazine over the hole that day. That gives you an estimate of when this happened I guess. My mom knows about it, step-dad still does not. Every time I go home I laugh about it a bit.

    edit 2; this thread is full of some really good advice. Except for the writing things down thing, that never worked for me. I went outside to do it one day as per the recommendation of a teacher at school, and I ended up just whipping the notepad into the woods and staying pissed.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Natheo wrote: »
    I'm pretty angry, but I dealt with it in my own ways. I've woken up out of a dead sleep and punched a hole through drywall, over my head and on my back, before I even came to grips at one point (this is NOT dealing with it). My hand was dripping a bit of blood with chunks of drywall in it and that's what woke me up. I guess I used to cuss in my sleep a lot too. Long story short it was due to my home situation, and moving out to my dads solved it. I get along with who I believe was the catalyst of my problem, who was not my mom. Of course there were other factors.

    Meeting a really nice girl that I'm still with helped as well.

    What's making you so pissed?

    Well, if I really look at it, I can isolate several factors:

    1, my family life. A wee bit dysfunctional. There's no beatings or anything, but yelling and loud arguing are pretty regular occurrences.

    2, my self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. This is all in the toilet, and my own personal failures, particularly those where I couldn't convince myself to try, leave me frustrated.

    3, internet peoples. Take just about any moment where I've been ruthlessly mocked, taunted, etc., I'm usually left fuming at my keyboard.

    Those are the first ones that come to mind, though I'll see if I can think of more.

  • NatheoNatheo Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Well shit dude. I can totally empathize with you. My step dad was a fucking asshole. I was doing poorly in school, and due to a pretty bad arm injury my sophomore year of wrestling i had fallen out of shape. As a result I was also denied entry to the military (navy). So I played a lot of WoW, where there were a lot of assholes. They got under my skin really easy, and I would physically lash out because of some asshole on the internet. Oh I smoked back then too.

    Surely there are better people for offering you advice. A complete change of my environment essentially solved my issues for me. That's not an option for everyone obviously.

    At least I can say I kinda know how you feel. I'm sure there are others that do as well. I'm not trying to take away from the severity of your problems, so don't take it like that. I just know how shitty things can be.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Sol InvictusSol Invictus Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Move out. You'll be a happier person and your self-confidence will grow.

    Hellmode. We write about video games.
  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I would just like to reiterate that The Dance of Anger helped me work through my anger problems with my family. A brief summary:

    Fights between family members tend to be cyclical or repetitive; they tend to be about the same types of things and they inevitably follow a pattern. Identifying that pattern is the first step to breaking out of it. You can't change other people and you can't change how they act, but you can change yourself and how you act. Remember that it takes two people to have an argument; if you refuse to participate, then the argument is essentially over. Once you've figured out the typical argument pattern, determine the best way for you to change your role. For example, if you tend to lash out verbally, try asking questions instead. Or say, "I'd prefer not to talk about that" and change the subject.

    My pattern with my mom generally went like this: she would get angry about something going wrong, I would tell her to relax because it wasn't a big deal, she would get angrier because she thought I didn't care, I would get angry that she was getting angry over nothing, et cetera ad nauseum. Instead, I decided to try showing sympathy even if I thought she was overreacting, and this tended to calm her down more quickly. If she kept escalating anyway, I would try to change the subject. If that failed, I would tell her I had to go and hang up the phone or leave, or even just go to the bathroom for a few minutes until she calmed down.

    You have to figure out what works best for you, because there is no one size fits all solution, but two things have to happen: you have to figure out what the pattern is, and break it.

    Also, I second the moving out thing. That helped immensely. I had to work two and three jobs at a time while going to school, but it was worth it.

    “Hic non defectus est, sed cattus minxit desuper nocte quadam. Confundatur pessimus cattus qui minxit super librum istum in nocte Daventrie, et consimiliter omnes alii propter illum. Et cavendum valde ne permittantur libri aperti per noctem ubi cattie venire possunt.”
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  • JohnnyCacheJohnnyCache Starting Defense Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    yalborap wrote: »
    Zeromus wrote: »
    You need therapy. There are free options out there. Be proactive.

    If you have any suggestions of truly, utterly free options other than the school counselor(who I intend to go to after Christmas break finishes), I would genuinely love to hear them.

    yal you are not the first poor dude to need some therapy. Discuss your finances up front with a few doctors and you might be able to find one that will work with you somehow. If you have no means whatsoever, I gotta say, getting some might help with your anger.

    "Maybe we're here to eat the sandwich." -- Joe Rogan
  • yalborapyalborap Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Starting to think about it more. One thing I've realized is I have a hard time letting things go, even when the emotions are gone. I hold onto grudges well longer than other people, and assume others do the same(see the shock when I was forgiven for previous stupidity in one of my last threads), which leads to much awkwardness.

    So...Yeah. That probably isn't helping.

  • TerrendosTerrendos Decorative Monocle Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Copy-pasted from Wikipedia because I am a huge tool:

    Freud's Level 4 Defense Mechanisms
    These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered the most mature, even though many have their origins in the immature level. However, these have been adapted through the years so as to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defences enhances user pleasure and feelings of mastery. These defences help the users to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts while still remaining effective. Persons who use these mechanisms are viewed as having virtues.

    These include:

    Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction
    Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort
    Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to call a spade a spade, while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Category 3). Wit refers to the serious or distressing in a humorous way, rather than disarming it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are 'skirted round' by the witticism.
    Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior
    Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person
    Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion
    Suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; able to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions and accept them

    I personally would suggest sublimation, which is going to be similar to video games. Get a good hobby (I like building models) and channel the energy from your anger into that hobby. If you want to try video games, find one like Harvest Moon where there's no winning or losing, so you can't make yourself more angry. Humor also works well, if you're the type of person that can laugh at your own situation.

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