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Part 1: Club Midgar Now Open!
(see bottom of this post)
Part 2: Where Everybody Knows Your Name
Part 3: George is Getting Upset
Part 4: Lost in Translation
Part 5: I Do Not Want This
Part 6: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Part 7: Elevators from Hell
Part 8-1: No Sephiroth, You Are The Demons
Part 8-2: Why'd It Have to be Snakes?
Part 9: Ninjas and Dolphins and Airships, Oh My!
Part 10: Attack of the Egg Bees
Part 11: Outlook Not So Good
Part 12: The Little Buggy That Couldn’t
Part 13: The Nanaki Corollary
Part 14: Prescription for Pain
Part 15: What if everything you ever wanted came in a ROCKET TOWN!?
Part 16: Dirty Dancing 3: Wutai Days
Part 17: Potato Potato Potato
Part 18: Temple of Douchebaggery
Part 19: The Return of Picklemier
Part 20: Geniophobia = Fear of Chins
Part 21: Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence
Part 22: Breaking News: Emus are the Shit
Part 23: Dazed and Confused
Part 24: Flight of the Condors
Part 25: Stream of Consciousness
Part 26: Flavor of Loaf
Part 27: Absurdity In Its Purest Form
Part 28: Flashback Fiesta!
Part 29: Dimenticare di Ricordarsi
Part 30: Corporate Downsizing
Part 31: Progenies Of The Great Apocalypse
A game which needs no introduction, but I’m a kind man so I shall assist the six people who have been out of the loop or in space for the last decade.
The highly anticipated Squaresoft RPG for Sony’s Playstation released in 1997 to massive critical acclaim and gamer praise. It boasted beautifully rendered backgrounds, an engaging storyline, and an excellent soundtrack. Whether or not those things held true to you is a matter of opinion. In fact, the unpopular opinion thread was partly what inspired me to do this.
I’ll begin by saying I do like this game. In fact, it's one of my favorite games of all time, but realize it has many flaws. For one, when it was released, the pre-rendered backgrounds were fairly nice, and battle sequences held up well against the need for higher quality characters. Sadly, the strange deformed ‘chibi’ characters used in all other sequences looked pretty awful from the start. Today, the graphics have dated expectedly, but I still maintain that some of the backgrounds are well-detailed.
Still, I’d say one of the most blatant issues of this game is the poor translation. Throughout the story, a lot of lines are poorly worded, oddly constructed, or just plain indecipherable. Reznik said it best as “a story that might be described as only kinda-confusing becomes incomprehensible to a lot of people.” I’ll do my best to clarify what’s going on in those cases, but I can’t make any promises.
I’ve played this game through a number of times, but during the last few I went to the Gameshark to ease the pain of leveling up. I’m not going to do that this time, but I’ll say it has probably been many years since I last played legit (possibly as many as 10), so bear with me.
This LP will be presented in Screenshot Format, obviously. Not only do people not want to watch 30+ hours worth of videos, they certainly don’t want to watch said videos with commentary by me as spontaneous commentary is not my strong suit. This will be my first LP. I’ve read through and watched a fair amount of LPs, but obviously this will be far from perfect. Criticism and suggestions are welcome. I’ll do my best to incorporate some interactivity in terms of character naming and such.
Also this will be a satire/humor based LP. A bit odd since I'm known for being rather serious amongst my friends and coworkers, but the game certainly lends itself to joking, not to mention the alternative would be an informative or expert play LP and I am neither well-informed or an expert at FFVII. Though I'm going to be keeping the story as intact as possible, with summaries or thoughts as it progresses. So I suppose it's partially informative. Oh uh, just a standard warning, I curse a lot in it. This is a Penny Arcade forum so I assume no one cares, but if for some reason you do. Well, too bad I guess! Also, while I may get venomous toward certain characters or plot points, remember that it's just all in fun.
The very pretty PS3 Tech Demo where they remade the opening:
With all that said. Let us begin.
Part 1 - Club Midgar Now Open!
Space… The Final Frontier… These are the voyages of…
Nevermind. Just some chick doing hallucinogens in a dark alley. Moving along…
Attractive woman, emerging from alley into slum streets. Cue upbeat music and cast montage, it’s Rapeville 90210.
Is the bar run by a man named Goblin, an actual goblin, or it for goblins only? These are things I must know.
Alright, so is it a slum, a city, a dance club? What? This place is beyond confusing!
(May not be as final as advertised)
This opening is painfully un-dramatic. A few more shots of the train go by as we zoom back into Club Midgar. I’m excited. Aren’t you? I mean, c’mon… The train is totally in a hurry to get to its pre-designated endpoint!
Guard: ‘Ah, excellent. Our shipment of prostitutes in teddy-bear costumes… I’ve been so needing to get laid… and a cuddly hug… I hate my life…’
‘Bob? You’re not supposed to start without me!’
‘Hey where’s your costu- hynaghhh! Ohgodwhy!’
‘Can I at least… get the hug…? ’
‘Momma always said if I pray hard enough, God’ll give me a skinny, spiky-haired white boy to call my very own…’
‘I think I’ll call him... Creampuff!’
Creampuff is totally a better name than Ex-SOLDIER(!!!!!) Lookit them blue eyes. So purty…
Soldier: ‘We came as quick as we could! Are the hugs here?!.. Wow, they really pulled out all the stops, this time. This is the prettiest one, yet!’
Guns vs. Sword. Time to stand down, I guess...
Despite the fact that I just chopped his friend into bits, this soldier continues to fight... by deciding to completely ignore his projectile weapon, rushing the man with the giant sword and engaging in melee combat...
You can guess how that went...
Meanwhile, Puffy steals a strange liquid off of a man’s corpse. Huzzah!
‘Listen, my hearing is fine. You can stop shouting…’
‘Jesus… Just.. nevermind.’
This was the only rename suggestion I got. Next time, I'm just going with my own ideas!
‘For now, I shall give you temporary mental names. Hannibal, Faceman (seriously, lady, you have the face of a man), Murdock…’
His expert advice is to never stick together. Sticking together is for suckers. Wise, wise words.
Sure glad we’re getting all our issues out now. It’s not like we’re in the middle of the fucking mission already or anything.
I always imagine the Mission: Impossible theme beginning here… LET’S DO THIS.
End notes: Rereading this update after like 25 others almost makes me want to rewrite it, but that would be cheating. I may fix some of the shots later, though. I know this is like 30 shots for 5 minutes of gameplay. This won't be the ratio all the time as that would mean about a million shots total (rough estimate). Future updates have turned out to be between 40 and 70 shots for each "section" of the game. Sections seem to typically be about an hour in length not counting world map travel and any level grinding you do in between.
I'll be poking fun at the game's flaws, so it's okay if you do, too. Let's not turn the thread into an FF debate though, please. I do my best to update regularly, but there's no set schedule. Anywhere from 1-3 days seems to be the norm so far.