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How do I go beyond just dating?

LaviLavi Registered User
edited February 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I feel awkward making this thread but here it goes.

I've gone out on 5 dates with this girl I met about 3 weeks ago. I really like her. I can't describe it very well, but I'm always glad we go out and I'd like to spend more time with her than just a date or a two every week. I have a couple of problems though.

1. I've never been in an actual relationship

2. I don't really know if she's actually interested in going that far

I go out on dates often enough but most don't really go past the 3rd one before I tell her I'm not interested or vice-versa. I never felt anything for the girls I've gone out with so it didn't really bother me.

To address my first concern, this is really new to me; I've gotten rejected plenty of times and vice-versa so I'm used to that. But I'm really nervous about her rejecting me or being just friends, I don't know why. Which leads me to going about of asking her. All I really know about her relationship status is she isn't dating anyone and apparently has never had a boyfriend either.

Finally how do I know she's really interested? I initiated the first date, the 2nd and 3rd she called me to set something up.Just recently she canceled something with her friend because we already had an agreed upon date. She has a lot of friends so I was thinking she was just being nice and wanted to make another one. She used to move around a lot so she had trouble keeping friends.

We're going out again tomorrow and I'd like to ask her then but I don't really want to put her on the spot. Not only that I get really nervous even thinking about it so I'll probably end up choking anyways.

Any questions you'd think would help, I'll try to answer them. I'll say our dates are pretty normal dating etiquette (for me at least), nothing intimate, just the usual fare.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate any advice.

Lavi on

Posts

  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Lavi wrote: »
    Finally how do I know she's really interested? I initiated the first date, the 2nd and 3rd she called me to set something up.Just recently she canceled something with her friend because we already had an agreed upon date.

    You just answered your own question. :)

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  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I'd say you're over thinking it a bit too much. You don't need any real "So we're going steady now, right?" confirmation- that sort of thing happens natrually imo. If you need to ask, that usually isn't a good sign :)

    But like Demerdar said, you've already answered your own question.

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  • HalfmexHalfmex Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. ScorpiO, but don't call me that either.Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    First thing; relax. Easier said than done, I know, but just realize that she's a person just like you, nothing more than that.

    As for broaching the "commitment" topic, I would just say something along the lines of "Listen, I've really enjoyed all of these dates we've had. How do you feel about seeing each other exclusively?" She may jump at it, she may say it's too fast, you'll honestly never know unless you ask, because everyone's got their own set "speed" at which they're comfortable with considering taking the next step in a relationship.

  • RookRook Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Have you done the entire 'cook for you date', or 'watch movies at home' dates yet? As those have always been the fairly logical progression from lets go out and do 'A' together.

    I really wouldn't jump into needlessly trying to label relationships.

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    note: stupid database thing just deleted this incredibly insightful post, which I will attempt to recreate below:
    I really like her. I can't describe it very well, but I'm always glad we go out

    You see the part I quoted right there? You should tell her exactly that. You don't need to ask her anything, in fact you shouldn't. Doing that can make her feel like she's being put on the spot, and her natural reaction is likely to panic at the sudden vulnerability. Just tell her how you feel without agenda or expectation of reciprocity.

    I agree with the previous poster who said you shouldn't rush into labeling the relationship or one another yet, primarily because that's an issue about semantics, not romance. But you absolutely should start moving towards the point where you can talk about how you feel. This is going to be scary at first. You have already zeroed in on what makes it so difficult: talking about feeling exposes you to a greater risk of rejection, making you feel vulnerable, which in turn leads to anxiety and a sense of awkwardness. But while vulnerability can be frightening, it can also be exhilirating! You don't need to be melodramatic or write it down in iambic pentameter, but if you can look her in the eye and say "I really like you. I just wanted to tell you that," it will (a) show that you're willing to risk vulnerability and think she's worth the risk, and (b) encourage her to feel less scared of the vulnerability associated with telling you how she feels.

    As you two get better communicating your feelings open and honestly, eventually you'll develop a level of openness that emerges out of a feeling of comfort and trust in the other person that the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing comes naturally.

    TLDR; don't ask her to define things for you because it will make her nervous, just tell the girl how you feel (without pushing for anything in return).

  • kaliyamakaliyama Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Dating etiquette is in some ways context dependent - how old are you? Are you in school?

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  • CasualCasual flap flap flap wiggle wiggle wiggle Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Dude you've been on 5 dates. Some of which she asked you out on. If your worried that she's simply too polite to tell you she isnt interested then I'm telling you that no one is THAT polite. She obviously likes you and you like her.

    I am gonna disagree with people here and say you should ask her if she wants to take it further though. Right now if you haven't stated you want to be exclusive she can see other guys if she wants.

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  • SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Casual wrote: »
    Dude you've been on 5 dates. Some of which she asked you out on. If your worried that she's simply too polite to tell you she isnt interested then I'm telling you that no one is THAT polite. She obviously likes you and you like her.

    I am gonna disagree with people here and say you should ask her if she wants to take it further though. Right now if you haven't stated you want to be exclusive she can see other guys if she wants.

    Heh, is this where I relate how I dated a girl for three months, wherein she almost never ever offered to pay for the date, almost never called me first, and almost never initiated a kiss with me? Of course, I was a total moron for going on that long, but it's obviously a situation that can happen.

    I don't think 5 dates is the time to talk about where the relationship is going. Just keep seeing her and develop your interest in her.

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  • CasualCasual flap flap flap wiggle wiggle wiggle Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Septus wrote: »
    Casual wrote: »
    Dude you've been on 5 dates. Some of which she asked you out on. If your worried that she's simply too polite to tell you she isnt interested then I'm telling you that no one is THAT polite. She obviously likes you and you like her.

    I am gonna disagree with people here and say you should ask her if she wants to take it further though. Right now if you haven't stated you want to be exclusive she can see other guys if she wants.

    Heh, is this where I relate how I dated a girl for three months, wherein she almost never ever offered to pay for the date, almost never called me first, and almost never initiated a kiss with me? Of course, I was a total moron for going on that long, but it's obviously a situation that can happen.

    I don't think 5 dates is the time to talk about where the relationship is going. Just keep seeing her and develop your interest in her.

    Some people are just that cold and/or oblivious. Trying to get these people to return affection is an uphill struggle. I know it was with my ex. :P

    The difference here is she's initiated dates with him. Unless she's some sort of masochist I cant imagine any reason why she would do this if she wasn't interested. Two or three dates is enough for most people to decide if they're interested or not, if you're not feeling something by then chances are there's nothing to feel.

    And I'm not suggesting he plunge in there with "you wanna be my girlfriend" just yet. Perhaps just in an unobtrusive way inquire if she is interested in taking things further.

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    its all about anthropomorphic dicks doing everyday things like buying shoes for their scrotum-feet
  • Nakatomi2010Nakatomi2010 Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Casual wrote: »
    Some people are just that cold and/or oblivious. Trying to get these people to return affection is an uphill struggle. I know it was with my ex. :P

    Yeah, one of my ex-girlfriends and my wife both used visual aids in order to get me to understand they wanted me to kiss them. My ex-girlfriend had me watch her play FFVII and played a save point to some scene where the characters get into a passionate kiss, the back of my mind interpreted this as a clue as to her desires, but not wanting to screw things up I held back, eventually she kissed me and we started having make out sessions, it was fun...

    My wife used a bit less technology, but still a similar effect, she had these kiss-kiss bears with magnets in the noses that when you put them together made them kiss, she pulled them off her desk to show them to me saying how neat they were... Though to be fair with her I was trying not to rush things as I had gone from one breakup to another, followed by another due to my not understanding proper dating rituals and appropriateness... But my wife was an overall winner...



    Anyways to answer your question, more input would be required on the definition of what you're considering a date. I will point out that 5 dates within 3 weeks is impressive, let alone that she asked you out on a couple of dates. If the frequency of the dates are increasing, it's a good thing as it means she's willing to spend more and more time with you, as such I'd assume that the understanding is mutual and as long as you don't flirt with other chicks, or cancel on her then you don't even need to say anything...

    Honestly in a truly organic relationship verbally confirming your relationship status is not necessary as it's mutually understood. There is however a way you can express yourself without having to say a word, and an unexpected gift at an unexpected time is always a winner in gaining a foothold as it silently expresses the question you want to ask, show up with something you think she'd like or appreciate, I got my wife Dove choclate bars, won her over real good... Doesn't have to be anything grand, but a simple thing that says "Hey, I'm thinking about you even when I'm not with you" and "Hey, I thought you'd like this", so on and so forth...

    But take what I say with the understanding that I am a bit socially odd...

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  • LaviLavi Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Thanks for all the advice, it's been really insightful. I did start to over think the situation and coming on too strong or attempting to label the situation might turn her off or put her in a place she really doesn't want to be right now. I'm content with just spending time with her.

    To answer some questions that arose: We're both 22, go to school, and work. We get together when we're both free even if its just for a couple of hours.

    I never really thought what I'd consider a date until now but we met a mutual friends get together, after exchanging numbers we've gone out for coffee, mall, a plaza having some art exhibition, park, and we tried seeing a movie where she lives but it became awkward when her aunt came home and started asking me questions so it was cut short.

    We're getting together tomorrow and I'll admit I'm a bit torn on what to do but I think I'll just go with it and if it somehow comes up I'll let her know how I feel (not in iambic pentameter) with zero expectations.

    I appreciate all the advice! If anything new comes up and such I'll update the thread.

  • MooblyMoobly Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Good luck. And try to remember that if you're going to "wait for it to come up", don't spend the whole date preoccupied looking for an opportunity. She'll likely pick up on "something's bothering him". Even if she doesn't say anything, it can lead to awkwardness or wrong assumptions on her part. Just keep enjoying yourself.

    Oh, and just because I feel like being part of the advice giving; I'm with the ones that said just to let it progress naturally. Overthinking leads to stress and you should be enjoying this and not stressing about it.

    Again, Good luck and enjoy!

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