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Debate and Discourse: AWESOME POST in "Revenge of the Strange & Embarrassing Moments",
Time for a mildly entertaining true story from Hacksaw's varied and interesting life.
In the opening week of my Stage Tech class, we sat in chairs on the stage during class. The configuration of the chairs was such that we were arranged in a semi circle. I was sitting on the far left end one day when all of a sudden Mighty Kong (my penis) decided to awaken, much to my surprise and chagrin. Now, those of you who've been around here long enough probably know that I've talked about my dick more than once, specifically relating to its size. Well, one of the drawbacks of having a large unit is that it's logistically unfeasible to wear pants that range from tight to snug. On this particular morning, I, having no other options because I was being a lazy shit that week and neglecting to do my laundry, decided in my infinite wisdom to wear my snug, dark blue jeans to class that day. I reasoned with myself that I should wear the jeans instead of my sweat pants because I didn't have any shirts to go along with the sweats. Oh what a mistake this turned out to be (sort of).
So, now in class, my little soldier standing at attention, I'm in a situation. On the one hand, I've got a big donger, so it's not like I've got anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. On the other hand, oh my god I've got a boner what if a gurl sees it D: . So, my conundrum laid bare, I get it in my head that placing my binder over the top of it would be the most prudent course of action. This is a problem, however, as my binder is underneath my chair, and thus reaching for it may attract attention. Not wanting to have the collective eyes of my peers burning a hole in my pants, nor wishing for my shame to be visible to all, I decide to make a grab for the messianic notebook with quiet grace and celerity. Unfortunately, this earns the attention of no less than two of my classmates. Classmate #1: pretty girl that I'd thought about asking out a number of times, but ultimately failed to muster the courage to do so at every opportunity. Classmate #2: dude who would later become a good friend of mine, despite the awkwardness of this incident. Now, when I say it earned their attention, I mean they both stopped taking notes, looked up, and got an eyeful of Sir Abraham Lincoln Thundercougarfalconbird. Girl classmate got all wide-eyed and put her hand to her mouth. Guy classmate got all bug-eyed and let his jaw hit the floor, probably without realizing it. His eyes were literally twice the size of hers, once he'd gotten a good look.
Now, the saving grace of all this is that I managed to get the binder on my lap without enticing further onlookers, but couldn't shake the eyes of the two voyeurs I had already acquired for the rest of the class. After the class was over, I quickly packed my things and speed walked towards the nearest exit, only to have Girl classmate tug on my shirt and introduce herself, a big, shit-eating grin plastered across her face. We chatted for a bit and I got her number, but as I turned to leave I looked up for a moment and noticed that Guy classmate was still staring at me, eyes wide and full of awe or possibly abject horror. Needless to say, once we did get around to talking to one another again, it was kinda awkward. I believe the conversation was as follows, verbatim:
Me: "So, [mutual friend] tells me you and I have a lot in common."
Him: "I know one thing we don't have in common."
Me: "Oh? What's that?"
Him: "Whale schlong."
Also I feel it prudent to mention that I am now banging Girl classmate on a regular basis, and it is glorious. Male classmate is still marveling at the size of my penis, so far as I know.