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850 things Mr. Welch cannot do in an RPG

ElderCatElderCat Registered User, ClubPA regular
edited December 2006 in Critical Failures
Ok I DID do a search on this, but if I missed it sorry. This totally deserves its own thread:
850 things Mr. Welch cannot do during an RPG.

Here is the update 826-850:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/89222.html

Some favorites:

64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"

92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"

143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.

171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"

189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers

502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock"

and of course the followup:
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.

540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."

Post edited by ElderCat on
«13

Comments

  • EchoEcho staring is caring Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited November 2006
    There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.

    Lies and blasphemy!

  • arcatharcath Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Echo wrote:
    There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.

    Lies and blasphemy!

    QFT!
    22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.

    GASP!
    9. My monk's lips must be in sync.

    This is going to provide me hours of amusement tonight.
    35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.

    ....this is awesome, and im only on #35.

    camo_sig.png
  • Kayne Red RobeKayne Red Robe Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I am guffawing aloud in merriment, good show.

  • arcatharcath Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    ElderCat, you are my personal hero of the night.

    Thank you sir.

    camo_sig.png
  • EchoEcho staring is caring Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited November 2006
    59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.

    Random quote flashback from Dumpshock: "Is he out? OK, I put my dick in his ear and take a picture."

  • Kayne Red RobeKayne Red Robe Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
    <img class=" title=":lol:" class="bbcode_smiley" />

  • LardalishLardalish Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Man, some of these sound like some amazing stories. I really do hope that these are real and not just some made up crap.


    204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.

    211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.

    217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.

    God, so many good ones!

  • Controversy CowControversy Cow Registered User
    edited November 2006
    486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.
    :oops: :oops: :oops:

  • arcatharcath Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
    224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
    233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
    303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
    360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
    377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
    388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
    My coworkers are looking at me funny because I'm laughing so much tonight.

    camo_sig.png
  • ElderCatElderCat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2006
    Lardalish wrote:
    Man, some of these sound like some amazing stories. I really do hope that these are real and not just some made up crap.
    From the comments section:
    theglen wrote:
    2005-08-08 05:04 am
    Ever single one is something I have pulled. A few friends reminded me of stuff I'd forgotten, but I am guilty of every one of them.
    arcath wrote:
    My coworkers are looking at me funny because I'm laughing so much tonight.

    SUCCESS!

  • Vincent GraysonVincent Grayson Frederick, MDRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    The mention of Atheist holy symbols reminds me of an ill-fated character a friend of mine once played, whom she insisted was an atheist. In Planescape.

    The character, it seems, steadfastly believed there were no gods, despite the constant influence and appearance of said gods.

    Most fucking obnoxious character to play with ever, especially once a cleric joined us.

    Luckily, the DM killed her off pretty quick.

  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Oh God yes,
    15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
    17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
    31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
    I call bullshit on this one.
    43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
    56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
    90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
    114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
    This is so amazing

    STEAM
    Spoiler:
  • JoeslopJoeslop Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    The mention of Atheist holy symbols reminds me of an ill-fated character a friend of mine once played, whom she insisted was an atheist. In Planescape.

    The character, it seems, steadfastly believed there were no gods, despite the constant influence and appearance of said gods.

    Most fucking obnoxious character to play with ever, especially once a cleric joined us.

    Luckily, the DM killed her off pretty quick.

    What was her reaction when a god appeared? "I don't know what you're talking about, I don't see anyone."

  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    The mention of Atheist holy symbols reminds me of an ill-fated character a friend of mine once played, whom she insisted was an atheist. In Planescape.

    The character, it seems, steadfastly believed there were no gods, despite the constant influence and appearance of said gods.

    Most fucking obnoxious character to play with ever, especially once a cleric joined us.

    Luckily, the DM killed her off pretty quick.
    There's an entire faction of atheists in Sigil (well, they're like atheists) so I dunno wtf you're getting at.

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • ScooterScooter Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    In comics, there was a discussion with the atheist Mr. Terrific a bit ago about this sort of thing, since gods pretty obviously exist in DC. Don't have it handy atm but I think his response was along the lines of, yea, powerful beings exist, but that doesn't mean they're neccesarily the gods their religions say they are...or maybe it was something else, it seemed to make more sense when he said it.


    Anyways, this is hilarious.

  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Scooter wrote:
    In comics, there was a discussion with the atheist Mr. Terrific a bit ago about this sort of thing, since gods pretty obviously exist in DC. Don't have it handy atm but I think his response was along the lines of, yea, powerful beings exist, but that doesn't mean they're neccesarily the gods their religions say they are...or maybe it was something else, it seemed to make more sense when he said it.

    Anyways, this is hilarious.
    So they stole it from Stargate SG-1?

    Also, to make this post on-topic and less likely to land my ass in jail, he just added another 25 to the list.

    Man, I'd love to find this guys play groups.

    Edited to add:
    Seems he's run out of space on his current LJ File. Here they are, quoted from the PP Off Topic forum.
    826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
    827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
    828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow.
    829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
    830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
    831. I didn't 'accidentally' forget to buy any skills.
    832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
    833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
    834. I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
    835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
    836. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.'
    837. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
    838. Doesn't matter how high my influence is; I still can't make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit's dress code.
    839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'.
    840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
    841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader's throne.
    842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
    843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
    844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
    845. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with "Who's your daddy?"
    846. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
    847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
    848. The Caern is not "Disneyworld as if run by coyotes"
    849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
    850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

    Ringo wrote: »
    Well except what see317 said. That guy's always wrong.
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
  • GoslingGosling Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, Probably Watertown, WIRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I guess it's my turn to post my favorites:
    6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
    15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
    17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
    24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
    63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
    73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
    74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
    101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
    155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
    156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
    157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
    247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
    267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
    278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
    287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
    324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
    383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
    510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
    540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
    649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
    652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
    781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes"
    826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
    840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
    843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
    844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
    849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
    850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

    I have a blog. Read it. Blog-reading makes you pretty and popular.
  • Der Waffle MousDer Waffle Mous WALK 3X FASTER New Yark, New Yark.Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

    It's almost like he's specifically talking about you, Salt.

    zaku.png
    Steam PSN: DerWaffleMous Origin: DerWaffleMous Bnet: WaffleMous#1483
  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    why wrote:
    850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

    It's almost like he's specifically talking about you, Salt.

    >>


    <<

    also:
    741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • ColtColt .45 ColoradoRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

    The hell it aint!

    17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.

    Holy shit I am doing this in my next hero game.


    Meh, I smirked at a few but that is about it.

    steam.pngxbl.pngpsn.png
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive Damn these electric sex pants! Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
    That would be an awesome plot detail in a campaign.

    Great, now the rest of my dorm corridor think I'm a complete geek thanks to my ten minutes of guffawing at the Internet.

    Well, they thought that anyway, but still, it solicited some odd glances.

    I am definitely trying some of these out during my next session, especially:
    380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
    74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live."
    413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
    444. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
    510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
    576. I can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
    635. Arguments cannot end with the statement 'Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!'

    Another successful post, thanks to the power of Spacestar Ordering™!
  • MechMantisMechMantis Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I must try and do all of these.


    In one campaign.

    UA1OmVB.png
  • BursarBursar 16 tons of #9 coleslaw Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Man, this guy's DM is a real stick in the mud. That said, if the guy was trying all of them at once, I'd probably be annoyed, too.

    Spoiler:
    My Steam profile | 3DS FC: 0810-0331-1324
  • SageinaRageSageinaRage Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Bursar wrote:
    Man, this guy's DM is a real stick in the mud.

    This was my first thought on reading these. Does the guy hate fun?

  • exitexit Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
    Love.

  • FierceDeity666FierceDeity666 Registered User
    edited November 2006
    280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
    425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.

    GLEE

  • ReynoldsReynolds Japan's Greatest Import Proto Neo TokyoRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    why wrote:
    850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

    It's almost like he's specifically talking about you, Salt.

    >>


    <<

    also:
    741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.

    19735. 'Can I make a Computer Use check to fuck them up real good?' is not a suitable responce for *EVERY* situation.

    steam_sig.png
  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Reynolds wrote:
    why wrote:
    850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.

    It's almost like he's specifically talking about you, Salt.

    >>


    <<

    also:
    741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.

    19735. 'Can I make a Computer Use check to fuck them up real good?' is not a suitable responce for *EVERY* situation.

    :(

    That's all Annie can do.

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • FierceDeity666FierceDeity666 Registered User
    edited November 2006
    69105. Even if you are, by the rules, able to do so, you CANNOT wield two municipal buses as weaponry.

    873413. You are never allowed to use, be, or use the weapons of a Super Robot.

  • GoslingGosling Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, Probably Watertown, WIRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    357326: It doesn't matter what I saw Carmen Sandiego do, my thief cannot steal the entire enemy base.
    357326: When offered the king's daughter in marriage, "Eat a sandwich, bitch" is not an acceptable response.

    I have a blog. Read it. Blog-reading makes you pretty and popular.
  • MuttnikMuttnik Registered User
    edited November 2006
    303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.

    At the point where it becomes obvious who your character is, chime dueling bangos.

    Sentry wrote: »
    Wow... I think the ignorance of American's is vastly underestimated.
    Shinto wrote: »
    Yeah, I know. It's fun to feel like you're better than other people.
  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    69105. Even if you are, by the rules, able to do so, you CANNOT wield two municipal buses as weaponry.

    873413. You are never allowed to use, be, or use the weapons of a Super Robot.
    True story, I've done something very similar to the first one in Shadowrun. It was actually just 2 flaming cars, but still.

    STEAM
    Spoiler:
  • DeepQantasDeepQantas Registered User
    edited November 2006
    Joeslop wrote:
    The mention of Atheist holy symbols reminds me of an ill-fated character a friend of mine once played, whom she insisted was an atheist. In Planescape.

    The character, it seems, steadfastly believed there were no gods, despite the constant influence and appearance of said gods.

    Most fucking obnoxious character to play with ever, especially once a cleric joined us.

    Luckily, the DM killed her off pretty quick.

    What was her reaction when a god appeared? "I don't know what you're talking about, I don't see anyone."

    It's easy to laugh, but Arcane Design is actually a well documented theory and legitimate science!

    m~
  • Paranoia833Paranoia833 Registered User
    edited November 2006
    Hmm... was this one inspired by the Eberron one or is it the other way round? Either way they're both worth a chuckle.

  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    DeepQantas wrote:
    Joeslop wrote:
    The mention of Atheist holy symbols reminds me of an ill-fated character a friend of mine once played, whom she insisted was an atheist. In Planescape.

    The character, it seems, steadfastly believed there were no gods, despite the constant influence and appearance of said gods.

    Most fucking obnoxious character to play with ever, especially once a cleric joined us.

    Luckily, the DM killed her off pretty quick.

    What was her reaction when a god appeared? "I don't know what you're talking about, I don't see anyone."

    It's easy to laugh, but Arcane Design is actually a well documented theory and legitimate science!

    I'm gonna repeat that atheists are a staple of planescape. They're one of the factions of Sigil!
    The Athar ... believe that the known gods of the cosmology are frauds. That is, the Athar maintain that the gods are merely extremely powerful mortals, and not divine at all. If anything, they simply channel true divine power from The Great Unknown to their priests. The Athar take this stance because they believe that true gods would be much greater than the ones that claim the title: gods can die, they fight just like mortals (instead of using their "divine wisdom" to settle things), and their power, while great, is limited. The "Great Unknown" is the Athar name for what they believe to be the true divine force behind everything. Athar priests, including their leader before the Faction War, have succeeded in gaining divine power through worship of the Great Unknown, further validating their beliefs in their eyes.

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • FierceDeity666FierceDeity666 Registered User
    edited November 2006
    987134560. You are not allowed to take as a familiar a Pomeranian, then proceed to buff it up to the point that it can carry twice as much as a dragon, wear heavy assed armor covered in blades and spikes, be smarter than the party's mages, and have an AC so high that it takes 5 crits in order to merely HIT it.

  • GoslingGosling Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, Probably Watertown, WIRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    8329854. No more replacing the dwarf's hat with the bag of holding.
    8329854-a. And DEFINATELY no filling same bag of holding with 53 pounds of pudding.
    8329855. If the party lacks a deck of playing cards, I cannot use the deck of many things instead.

    I have a blog. Read it. Blog-reading makes you pretty and popular.
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