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Some of your favorite quotes from gaming

STATE OF THE ART ROBOTSTATE OF THE ART ROBOT Registered User regular
edited January 2007 in Critical Failures
I was just thinking about a couple of the hilaious things that my group has said over the years of gaming and I just wanted to share a couple and for people to share theirs.

From our cleric after someone just got hit for major damage after getting healed:

"Didn't I just heal your stupid ass?"

From our ranger after sniping out the goblin with a bow+arrow:

"Feel the wrath of my arrow to your face, bitch!"

STATE OF THE ART ROBOT on
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Posts

  • JennieJennie Registered User
    edited November 2006
    I cast continual light on the vampire.






    (yes I know that won't do what we wish it would do.)

  • GoodOmensGoodOmens Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    My Crab clan samurai (L5R), explaining to the Emporer why he took an...unusual approach to an obstacle he encountered in a race against a Crane.

    "You told me to go over the wall. You didn't say I couldn't knock it over first."

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    IOS Game Center ID: Isotope-X
  • gredavingredavin Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    "If I don't make this roll, I'm fucked."

  • gredavingredavin Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    No, the entire campaign rested on a single to hit roll against a major villain who was badly injured.

    Said player was down to 1 HP, said villain was down to 1 HP, all the other NPC's and PC's were dead or bleeding out.

    He saved the campaign by rolling exactly what he needed.

    He was not fucked.

  • piLpiL Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    There was a Shadowrun credo that some of us followed. "Dead is dead, parts is parts, dead is parts."



    "What do you mean roll arcane spell failure?"




    "Roll a reflex save." "Hah, made it!" "Now roll six more."

  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Cowboy Fwankenstein Livin' That DreamRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I posted this in another thread about fucked-up gamers but...short version was a guy who ran a paladin and looted all valuables from the corpses of the vanquished down to their fillings. Our DM told him that his deity wouldn't approve of necro-thievery.

    "Man, my diety can go piss up a flagpole."

    Lightning bolt + metal armor=well done.

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  • SithDrummerSithDrummer Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    DM to me on my first time playing DnD:

    "You memorized Stone Shape three times? Who memorizes Stone Shape three times?"

    Of course, it saved the party from a rampaging fire worm.

    It's an easy game to hate
  • Conditional_AxeConditional_Axe Registered User
    edited November 2006
    I have a ton of banter from various 7th Sea games, but I'm drawing a blank on all of it right now.

    Most of my memorable D&D quotes are my character reacting incredulously to someone else's character being stupid. A favorite that doesn't involve that involves another character being taken hostage.

    Villain: "Don't come any closer or I'll kill him!"
    Axe: "I take a step forward."
    Villain: "I mean it!"
    Axe: "I know. But I hate him."

  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Cowboy Fwankenstein Livin' That DreamRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    We had just finished watching So I Married an Axe Murderer.

    Palladium fantasy campaign. Rampaging Great Horned Dragon. I was the DM and my only PC left alive was a wizard with marginal martial abilities and no spells left.

    Him: "I throw my dagger in his eye."
    Me: "Roll it and pray."
    Him: "It's a last ditch effort; I'm going out with a bang."

    Critical. Max damage.

    Normally, there aren't any rules for this, so I took some creative license.

    Me: "You strike him directly in the eye and the dagger's hilt becomes wedged on one of the ridges around his ocular cavity. His own thrashing and clawing kills the beast in a frenzy of blood and pain."

    Him: "I can't believe I just shivved a Great Horned Dragon in his eye. I will now piss in his ocular cavity."

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  • NorgothNorgoth Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Me: You arrive at the entrance to the cave.
    Player:I examine the cave.
    Me: its a cave.
    Player: Yeah i examine it.
    Me: Its a cave. Its very cave like, if you were looking for a good example of a cave, this whould be it.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Der Waffle MousDer Waffle Mous WALK 3X FASTER New Yark, New Yark.Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I, a collegiate wizard of the empire, a retarded dwarf with a matchlock, and a halfling that just won't shut up are wandering in the dark, dank sewers beneath the city of Bogenhafen.

    I decide to cast a light spell on a crossbow bolt, to act as an impromptu torch. After wandering around for a while, we spot a shadow further down the tunnels. I decide to conceal the bolt beneath my cloak so we're not spotted so easily.


    We eventually find out that it isn, in fact, a pile of old trash. Old trash covered with rats, And little else. The conversation goes as follows.

    Halfling: "Someone put the light back on, it's dark in here."
    DM: "The halfling begins to feel like he's going to be molested in the dark."
    I haven't been paying attention to what was said.
    Me: "Alright... so I whip it out!"
    Referring of course, to our light-source.
    Me: "...shit."

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    Steam PSN: DerWaffleMous Origin: DerWaffleMous Bnet: WaffleMous#1483
  • JCMJCM Registered User
    edited November 2006
    "Ill let them come in, lock the door behind them and say, Im a vampire, youre gonna die!"

    Famous last words of a Tremere player, who not only just had 1 in strenght, but also happened to have his domination fail, after letting two prostitutes into a motel room.

    The two reached into their handbags, a can of mace and a knife were wielded and the Tremer was beaten into torpor.

  • FierceDeity666FierceDeity666 Registered User
    edited November 2006
    JCM wrote:
    "Ill let them come in, lock the door behind them and say, Im a vampire, youre gonna die!"

    Famous last words of a Tremere player, who not only just had 1 in strenght, but also happened to have his domination fail, after letting two prostitutes into a motel room.

    The two reached into their handbags, a can of mace and a knife were wielded and the Tremer was beaten into torpor.
    AWESOME

  • RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited November 2006
    The party had been dungeon delving for hours, and the fighter was the only human in a party consisting of himself, two elves and a half-orc. Subsequently, he was the only one without dark vision, and without the presence of mind to bring a torch.

    This led him to constantly bitch to the wizard about needing light spells cast on his shield. Every time the party would stop to rest, it seemed, the light would go out, which led to the fighter whining and bitching about how he needed a light source.

    Finally, the wizard had had enough.

    "Okay, I cast light, but not on his shield."

    "What, dude? Where are you casting it?"

    "On your teeth. Now shut the hell up before I cast it on your eyelashes."

  • Salvation122Salvation122 Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    WHFRP:

    Dwarf, to NPC: "We'll meet you at sunbreak."
    Me, to the Dwarf: "Sunbreak?"
    Dwarf: "Yeah, like when the sun comes up."
    Me: "Listen, stuntie, around here, we call that 'dawn.'"

    Me: "I crit him in the groin again?"
    GM: "Yeah. Basically you're holding the gobbo by the hair and administering a coup de groin repeatedly."

    Halfling: "That sword is worth 1.5 coppers. If you bring me a dead dog, I'll make it 2 coppers."

    GM, as NPC: "I've been a tollkeep before!"
    Halfling: "Which road?"
    GM: "Uh, the one up in Middenheim, the, uh, Ulric-Nuln..."
    Halfling: "Stop right there, sir. My good friend Ozzby Goodbarrel runs it."
    GM: "Ah, but who ran it before him?"
    Halfling: "No one. He's the founding member of the toll."
    GM: "..."
    Halfling: "I know these things, sir. I'm a tollkeep."

    Halfling: "I could take it at knifepoint. I could rob you. Would you like me to rob you?"

    GM, as different NPC: "But I can't pay!"
    Halfling: "Well, you've got that mule."
    NPC: "But I love my mule!"
    Halfling: "Well, sir, if you're going to have hot mule sex farther down the road, I really don't believe I should allow you past this point."

    Dwarf: "We look for lodging."
    Me: "No! We look for booze!"
    Dwarf: "We look for a tavern."

    GM: "Right, rolling on the Stinking Drunk table... 94."
    Me: "He's probably passed out in a pool of his own vomit."
    Dwarf, quoting the rulebook: "The character passes out facedown in a pool of his own vomit, and remains asleep for 1d10 hours or until awakened."
    Me: "I am awesome."

    Dwarf - "I say we take 'im, but he gets no treasure, because he helped us, but we'll kill 'im, so no treasure cause he'll be dead, cause we killed 'im."

    Halfling - "Well, I do have this crossbow. I could put a bolt between your scrotal... cavity... and your... er... weenjab."

    Wood Elf - "Can I see your map?"
    Me - "No! I don't want to split the shares again!"
    Wood Elf - "Do you know where you're going?"
    Me - "We have the bloody map!"

    Wood Elf - "Well, if you won't give it to me, I'll take it."
    Dwarf - "Oh, like you have the, the... jurisdiction!"

    Dwarf, IC - "...and there's no continues in this game. Err, I mean, what game? There's no game."

    Me - "You forgot your lantern."
    Dwarf - "Well if I'm taking Aladdin I may as well take a tiger because tigers I mean that'd be my preference. A tiger. Well, tigers. I'd take one if it was an option."

    Halfling - "I take point. Back point. Reverse point."

    Dwarf - "I've killed some undead in my time, and you what know what they can't stand? The sound of a pot on a wall."

    Dwarf, OOC - "So when you say 'trying to eat the horse,' do you mean he's being kicked by the horse, or it hasn't gotten there, or it has indigestion or something and can't keep the horse down?"

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  • RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited November 2006
    Priest: "Well met, brother Paladin. Tell me, to what God do you pray to?"
    Paladin: "I... um... I'm... non-denominational."

  • Legoman05Legoman05 Registered User
    edited November 2006
    DM: "Beamer (Druid), roll a Knowledge Nature check."

    Druid: "One."

    DM: "One? You're a druid! You have ranks, and modifiers and shit!"

    Druid: "Yeah. One."

  • INeedNoSaltINeedNoSalt Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    pronoun wrote:
    "I don't know how you guys operate, or even really what you do for a living. Though I question any group that goes somewhere to deliver aid and ends up stealing organs from a hospital in a time of crisis."

    sometimes you just gotta do a thing
  • TalonrazorTalonrazor Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    There's been some awesome exchanges in the d20 Future Novo Aether game. My favorite dialogue was when the group was stuck inside a Chinese organ cloning lab, trying to get out after botching an attempt to steal lungs. Cops were pumping gas into the room and our big, sarcastic cybernetic warrior and the female leader were bitching about how to get out when right in the middle of the argument the NPC fighter failed his Fort Save and passed out due to the gas...
    Fighter: Hurrah! Now, how are we getting past the security personnel who are most likely outside as we speak?
    Leader: “Shoot.”
    Fighter: ... yes, we’ll take on the better-armed, larger-sized force. Just the four of us.
    Leader: “Sarcasm kills.”
    Fighter: We’re just bound to win!
    Me: As the door slides open, Primus shakes his head. “Guys, I’m feeling a bit… so many colors… little angels… everywhere.. why yes Rose, I’d like this dannnnccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” The big man crumples over with a boom, dropping Orca and smashing into a table holding liquids.
    Fighter stares at Primus for a few seconds.
    Fighter: Oh my herdmaster.
    Fighter: You were right about the sarcasm.

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  • laughingfuzzballlaughingfuzzball Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    "Tell me everything you know!"

    SR3 mage with some compulsion spell (I forget which one). The target went chronoligically. The player wound up just a few boxes short of dead because he refused to think about what he was going to tell the guy to do before he cast. The rest of the group just got the guy drunk, then beat him over the head with a chair.

  • ReynoldsReynolds Actually a Magical Princess France, ApparentlyRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    DM: Alright, you enter the mansion. Most of the main foyer is covered in blood. It's obvious that the partygoers have been viciously murdered.
    P1: We need to figure out what happened.
    P2: Yeah, what could have done this? We need to start searching.
    P3: (Not paying enough attention.) Bodies? I'll follow the trail of blood.
    P1&2: ...?
    DM: What...do you mean? There's blood everywhere.
    P3: I want to find out where this blood is coming from. I follow the trail of blood.
    DM: Alright, everyone else, you watch as P3 walks in circles around the room for several minutes. THE ROOM IS COVERED IN BLOOD!

    "I follow the trail of blood" is now what our group says whenever the DM is giving us a 'puzzle' and we're floundering.

    Also...in an adventure where we played 'super-heroes' that fought all our adventures in costume, the cleric of Kord was known as 'The Fist of Kord' or 'Kord's Fist' sometimes. And when encountering a part of the adventure were he lacked direction...

    P1: I don't know what to do. I want to contact my god for divine guidance.
    DM: Uh, alright. So you pray to Kord. *ahem* "This is Kord, god of strength. I'm sorry, but I can't answer your prayer right now. Please leave your name and request for divine assitance after the beep." *beep*
    P1: Uh, yeah...this is uh, Kord. I mean...ah, damn it. I hang up!

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  • PkmoutlPkmoutl Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    We actually keep a record of these in my group. We call them "Snipes." We love our Snipes so much, we even have a hard-cover book for just such a purpose.

    Let me see... I think I can recall some.

    From a Call of Cthulhu game (I do believe it was one of the ill-fated attempts at finishing Masks of Nyarlathotep)
    GM: The book is called... Oh, I'm going to regret this... Africa's Dark Sects
    Everyone else: Africa's Dark Sex?

    During a D&D campaign, dissention arises in the group over whether or not they should go into the crypt or head down a different hall. Naturally, they all suspect that I have something horrid waiting for them in the crypt (even though it was a pre-made adventure), but some of them want the XP of whatever may or may not be within. So, during the debate, I interject
    "You know, I wouldn't be caught dead in a crypt."
    At which point, I became the recipient of a shower of empty plastic cups and wadded-up napkins.

    At one point, an NPC was trapping other NPC's out of revenge in a V:tM game. Going through a local park, they come across a scene:
    GM: You see a group of hoodlums whose leader is hanging from a tree by a wire noose
    P1 (to P2): What do you want to bet that they pull on his feet and legs?
    GM: Let's see how smart they are...(rolls) So, they pull on his feet...

    P3 (asking about the above situation): So, what happened over there?
    P2: Darwin.

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  • EvilBadmanEvilBadman DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    FyreWulff wrote: »
    I should note that Badman is fucking awesome
    XBL- Evil Badman MD; Steam- EvilBadman; Twitter - EvilBadman
  • ArkadyArkady Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    X: Have I ever told you about Vincent, my wizard?
    Me: Nope, what about him?
    X: He was Married to a Unicorn and he was a grand master of the arcane arts!
    Me: Married to a unicorn?
    X: Yeah, was a fairly epic quest!
    Me: Hey X.
    X: What?
    Me: Neeiiiggghhh means neeiiggghhhh.

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    LoL: failboattootoot
  • Vincent GraysonVincent Grayson Frederick, MDRegistered User regular
    edited November 2006
    So, Call of Cthulhu, we play in a modern setting (2012, to be exact), and with characters who are, essentially, ourselves, as we imagine we'd be in a much more horrifying world.

    After a number of horrifying things one night, we finally made it to a motel, one of those typical middle-of-nowhere, one story, shitty motels. While the rest of us are resting, or showering, one of our party, Jake, decides the best method of stress relief would be a little bit of self-pleasure.

    So, being in a shitty motel, he turns on the TV and tries to find some porn. Just his luck, there's some, even if it's a bit scrambled.

    As he begins, our DM begins describing things normally, only it gets progressively more and more disgusting, until he describes that the person being..taken advantage of, as it were, is missing their head, and that the body, he now notices, looks suspisciously like his own, and that the other person, in fact, is not a woman, but the desk clerk from the motel.

    His response? "I finish up really quickly!"

    edit: to fully appreciate this, you have to understand that throughout the description, he was making the appropriate gestures for his action, slowly speeding them up until the end.

  • MadJackMadJack Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    this one is said far to often in the games i play


    "i make it absolutly clear im not with them."

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  • ExcessiveKnifeExcessiveKnife Registered User
    edited December 2006
    "F**k it"

    This has gone from being a standard quote to being the overall theme for our RP sessions, as in "F**k it, lets try another room first."

    or "F**k it, just load the trunk with C4 and send it down the hill."

    or, the famous last words

    "F**k it, lets play Munchkin instead."

    The mad beeper is on the loose!
  • Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against the Irish) Registered User regular
    edited December 2006
    Two of my favorites, one was in call of Cthulu, upon being confronted with the horrible unknown, my Harvard trained archaeologist exclaimed, "Sweet Monkey Jesus!"

    In a game of Shadowrun, the PCs were being given a tour of a scientific facility, and at one point, mine was allowed to try out a VR system that allowed you to manipulate elements on an molecular level. He immediately started grabbing atoms, and began bowling, exclaiming, "Look at me! I'm doing SCIENCE!"

    Origin ID: Null_Cypher
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  • sullijosullijo mid-level minion subterranean bunkerRegistered User regular
    edited December 2006
    In the Werewolf campaign I played in high school, my character and another didn't along very well. The running joke we developed was, whenever his character would annoy mine:

    "I hit 'em."
    "I dodge."

    Obviously this eventually spilled over into real life, and has occasioned many odd looks in public.

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  • ReynoldsReynolds Actually a Magical Princess France, ApparentlyRegistered User regular
    edited December 2006
    Back in my semi-heroic adventure, my character had designed a Batman-esque grappling hook gun. So, I would constantly ask, whenever we entered a new area, "How high are the ceilings?"

    The DM was a bastard and would never put us into situations where it was useful for swinging around. One time I did shoot a skeleton with it (I was armed only with two rapiers) and destroyed it by ripping its spine out.

    Anyways, at one point we had been fooled by a pit trap in this giant, open room. When we came back to it, I was prepared. "So how high are the ceilings?" "You remembered this time. They're easily high enough to swing over the pit trap." "HA!"

    So I swing over the trap, and find the switch to deactivate it, so everyone else can come across to the door I'd found. THE SWITCH HAD ALREADY BEEN DEACTIVATED. The trap was off. Everyone could have just walked right across.

    Man that DM was a bastard.

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  • Legoman05Legoman05 Registered User
    edited December 2006
    From last night's session:

    '.... Can I grease the Ogre's back?"

    [spoiler:e80eda5d3a]Ogre had a goblin commander-shaman on it's back. Idea was to grease the fucker off.[/spoiler:e80eda5d3a]

  • MiSTieOtakuMiSTieOtaku Registered User
    edited December 2006
    A while back, me and several friends played a campaign of d20 Modern (Urban Arcana to be exact) at our local hobby shop: The Dragon's Table. I played an elven computer geek/hacker, and the others played a Dwarf car jacker and a human private investigator.

    Anyway, at one point in the game, when our characters were driving around town, the DM mentions that we drive by a Drow prostitute. The Dwarf puts the car in reverse, and begins chatting her up.

    I then ask the DM if I can roll a spot check to see if the Drow has an Adam's Apple.

  • Vincent GraysonVincent Grayson Frederick, MDRegistered User regular
    edited December 2006
    Another Cthulhu moment (or, moments, rather) from the same character as before.

    Being in modern times, and chasing scary cults, tends to fuck up your "normal" life quite a bit...as such, all of our characters have had to resort to some illegal means of survival, be it stealing, killing possessed people (who, of course, show no signs of being possessed, or aggressive by the time the authorities find them), etc.

    So, needless to say, we find ourselves in rough situations with the law fairly often. Worse, is that due to lowering sanity levels, oftentimes, characters do less than brilliant things in a sticky situations that perhaps the more sane are trying to talk our way out of.

    And that's where Jake comes in, with his answer to almost any police-related problem being "I shoot the cop right in the face". I still remember the look on the DM's face the first time he said this, and made it quite clear he wasn't just fucking around.

    Nowadays though, it's become so commonplace it's almost a joke. Well, I guess it is a joke, since we don't let Jake hold firearms anymore.

  • HorseshoeHorseshoe Registered User regular
    edited December 2006
    I'm DM'ing a short solo adventure for the party's cleric, whose patron deity is Hieroneous (meaning he's often at the front lines with the barbarian, wearin' plate and swinging a sword). After our last gaming session, we had watched an Eddie Izzard stand-up routine, so I made a joke about his character being an "action cleric" (in Eddie's routine he has a gag about being an "action transvestite").

    To which the player laughs and replies: "So I'm like Eddie Izzard without the heels?"

    My reply: "No dude, you're a Cleric. You're all about the heals."

    A pun so horrible, it made me want to shoot myself in the head.

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  • MechMantisMechMantis Registered User regular
    edited December 2006
    My older brother was playing stereotypical dumb half-orc meatshield. He charged into a room.

    DM: You take... 28 damage as a small red orb on the ceiling bursts into a fireball.
    Brother: Hmm. Well, the WHOLE room can't be fireball trapped! I charge across.
    *DM looks at his notes, chuckles*
    DM: You take... 207 damage as you charged across 8 fireball trapped squares. And if you didn't survive, your flying remains set off the remaining traps.
    Brother: D:


    It was later known that the DM just wanted to do something evil for that quip, as he later confessed that yes, that was the only trap in the room.

    Now, for my older sister's dumb comment. We were in a necromancer's lair, and it, for some reason, had a deep pool with dire sharks sitting about in it. She was playing a sorceress.

    Sister: They can't get me if they can't jump! I cast Ray of Frost to attempt to freeze the water.
    DM: ...You freeze a 1 foot block of the water. Monster turn... Oh dear. Maybe you shouldn't have sat right next to the edge of the water. A dire shark jumps up and bites you. (He had our ACs, so he knew if an attack hit or not) How many HP do you have?
    Sister: ...5? (We had just finished a battle with a Chimera. And she had gotten hit. Hard.)
    DM: Oh! Well, it's strength bonus kills you. I won't even bother rolling. It leaps up, bites you in half. You are dead.
    Sister: D:

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  • p3davisp3davis Registered User
    edited December 2006
    This was in Chemistry class in high school. The teacher was talking, for whatever reason, about a flail and a mace to the class. One girl asked what the difference between a fail and a mace was, and my friend said, without pausing "1d6 vs. 1d8". Pure magic.

  • PkmoutlPkmoutl Registered User regular
    edited December 2006
    I was just re-reading this thread, and I noticed that the one post was Warhammer FRPG. It reminded me of a conversation we once had in WHFRPG.

    So the party is made up of a (strangely proud) Ratcatcher, who actually went back a step from Jailer just to take it, a Tomb Robber (me), some kind of Ranger/Trapper type, a Pit Fighter, a Mage Apprentice and our illustrious Giant Slayer. Yes, he passed from Troll Slayer to Giant Slayer, much to his own chagrin.

    So we are hired by this town to eliminate the "terrifying creature" that lives in Buttfang Cave or whatever it was. So we're standing about 50 yards from the cave, and the smart one in the group, the Mage Apprentice, is going over "The Plan." The Plan basically consisted of us Rogue types distracting whatever the creature was with missile weapons while the Ranger, the Pit Fighter and the Giant Slayer took to it head-on. The Apprentice Mage would pitch in, of course. So we get to the end of this fifteen-minute filibuster, when the Apprentice turns to everyone and says, "Okay, you all got that?" To which, the Giant Slayer replied,

    "I don't know what you're babbling about, I headed into the cave the second you opened your stupid yap. VICTORY OR DEATH!"

    He killed the beast all by himself in one round. The GM was so distraught, he never ran WHFRPG again.

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  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited December 2006
    LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEENKINS!

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    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • JCMJCM Registered User
    edited December 2006
    p3davis wrote:
    This was in Chemistry class in high school. The teacher was talking, for whatever reason, about a flail and a mace to the class. One girl asked what the difference between a fail and a mace was, and my friend said, without pausing "1d6 vs. 1d8". Pure magic.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

  • Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against the Irish) Registered User regular
    edited December 2006
    DarkPrimus wrote:
    LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEENKINS!
    This battle cry cannont always end in hilarious disaster.

    Origin ID: Null_Cypher
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