Since I'm a brand new user, feel free to jam rules down my throat if I've done something wrong.
So... the series is called Tales of the Underworld, and this entry is "Hideous Mole People!" I've always been a huge fan of the short story "The Man-Eating Tree" by Phil Robinson, mostly for the feel of a totally bizarre, outlandish tale woven as a "true story" passed down to a child by their once-great-white-hunter uncle. In this series of little fake documentaries, I wanted to create a extreme parody of that kind of story and character.
In my vast and varied travels across the globe, I have borne witness to many grand and miraculous splendors the world has to offer: From the rare and mystical baiji dolphins of the Yangtze, to the blind, serpentine humanfish of Slovenia's abyssal cavern systems, to a choice encounter with the majestic - yet deadly – mokele mbembe deep in the heart of the Dark Continent (a beast which laughably remains “mythological” in the Greater Scientific Community), the Lord has surely seen fit to privilege me with more of life's divine secrets than any other man on earth. None of these secrets, however, has proven more astonishing than what I have witnessed through my adventures in the deep, deep bowels of the earth.
Today in this sordid recounting of my adventures in what will surely be coined the “Underworld” by the Greater Scientific Community, I will be uncovering the seedy underground civilization of the willfully immoral Mole People. One of the most populous and easily the deepest-digging species of this underground realm, the Mole People have taken it upon themselves to assume the title of the Underworld's villain race. With their fascinatingly hideous forms, tasteless dress and even more tasteless behavior, it isn't hard to see why.
The Mole People as a whole are a detestably ugly bunch. Seldom on Earth will one be able to witness with such stunning regularity the havoc bad genetics can wreak upon the form of an innocent living creature. The head of these creatures alone is enough to put a man off his meal: black, beady eyes centered within mushy pink faces dotted with fine bristles, their sensitive noses wreathed in shining pink tendrils. That coupled with their bloated torsos, balancing precariously atop a pair of spindly Irish legs and flanked by meaty arms tipped in spade-clawed hands, makes it impossible to overstate the inglorious deformity carried by the Mole People as a race.
Not only are the Mole People ugly in their natural build, their clothing too carries with it an air of blatant unattractiveness. Mole People tailors universally make the ubiquitous Mole People tweed coat far too tight in the waist. This has the unfortunate consequence of constricting Mole People bladders, accentuating the appearance of their embarrassingly spherical bodies, and souring their disposition even more than usual. Their pants, also, are universally far too tight, resulting in the standard “Mole People stance”, a sort of awkward-looking squat. Mole People are generally very lacking in pride about their uniform dress codes; as a result, Mole People clothing is rarely cleaned or kept in working order. The only article of dress these awkward creatures do maintain a sense of pride for, in fact, is their pointy leather shoes. Shoemakers are held in very high esteem in Mole People society, and a great deal of effort is exerted by the Mole People in general to keep their leather shoes in pristine condition at all times. The reasoning for this fascinating obsession with shiny footwear has yet to be explained by the Greater Scientific Community. It appears to play no role in Mole People courtship, primarily because there is no such thing.
Mole People reproduction is unique in the animal kingdom, and plays a large role in how the species has become so loathed throughout the Underworld and beyond. I use the term “species” here lightly, as the Mole People are, for the most part, incapable of breeding (a quality necessary to be considered a true species). Like mules, Mole People are actually a hybrid of two distinct but closely related creatures: in this case, moles and human beings. Mole People must continuously steal away naughty human children in the night to ensure the survival of the species. A great deal of resources are put towards this endeavor by Mole People society. After these wayward children are snatched from their beds by specially trained “kiddie catchers” (Mole People are fans of alliteration) and herded down into the labyrinthine Mole People city of Big Moldywarp Labour, they are packed into specially constructed “kiddie crates” where they are tended to by the city's top human specialists, the venerated “kiddie caretakers”. Under the care of these highly trained Mole People, as high as eighteen percent of children make it to breeding age. When this occurs, the breeding humans are awarded their first piece of clothing since their capture: an ornamental hat, decorated with a cartoon of a small dancing mole (the captive humans are instructed to draw this on the hat themselves, as Mole People hands are ill-designed for artistry). After this, they are relocated from their kiddie crates to one of many “lovin' lounges” dotting the city, where they are to spend the rest of their natural lives. Here they are assigned multitudes of mole partners, most often of the opposite sex, though there are occasionally clerical errors made in this regard. It is worth noting that moles volunteer quite willingly for this procedure. After an estimated gestation period of 90 days, the human captive will give birth to a litter of three to nine Mole People pups, who are generally born with teeth and are extremely ravenous.
It is somewhat unsurprising, then, that the Mole People have found bitter enemies in the surface-dwelling human race. Despite the extensive measures taken by the Mole People to keep their operations as discreet as possible, a select number of the human race have been clued into their existence and have formed a sort of underground resistance coalition. This is a subject I will delve deeper into later in this series of essays. For now, suffice it to say that this coalition is a complex and mobile entity, comprising of several different species, that has taken it upon itself to combat the ever-present danger presented by the Mole People at large. In response to this armed defense organization, the Mole People, in their characteristic style of overreacting to basic threats, have decided to take over the entire world. This, also unsurprisingly, sets the stage for much of the conflict one witnesses between sentient species in the Underworld.
Being the primary antagonists of this subterranean environment, and being that their sole method of reproduction involves the kidnapping of human children, the Mole People have accumulated a reputation as a gang of underhanded, scheming scoundrels with no right to live. I cannot say that they are entirely undeserving of this. I must say, however, that despite their ugly appearance, tasteless dress, and repulsive nature, the Mole People will always have a place in my heart as one of Earth's most... fascinating inhabitants.
This piece was actually written some time ago, but I never found a good place to look for critique. I have trouble looking at things with a fresh eye, so when I go back to try and rewrite something, I always end up with the same problems the piece had before.