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My toaster is haunted.

The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
edited March 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
For the last few weeks I have begun to notice that the really old toaster in the kitchen of my flat is possessed by supernatural forces. I'm being deadly serious here.

The first time I recognized something was wrong was three weeks ago around the time of my father's birthday. He lives in Canada now so I was up at around 5am to phone him after work because of the time difference. I went to make myself a coffee, treading quietly to not wake up my flatmate in the back room. Though I later learned she was not in.

I put on the kettle, it was already filled with about a litre of water which was highly unusual to start with because I did not remember filling it and I was the only one who used it. Then I go over to the toaster and put in some bread because, even though it was basically as late as one could stay awake midweek, it was always nice to have something to eat, especially as I was about to make a really long phonecall long-distance.

Then I heard this shriek. It was unlike anything I have ever heard. I tell you, I am the staunchest of atheists you can possibly find. A man of science. A man who respects empirical evidence and hard fact. But it sounded like there were tiny children inside this kettle being tortured in some awful and unholy way. It was not simply a high pitched noise, as one would expect from water boiling, but a wail. A deathly wail, screaming and piercing at my soul, if such a thing exists.

I though nothing of it at first, I was too tired to really consider it too hard, and furthermore once the toast was done I simply picked up the phone and spoke to my Dad, so I forgot it. But the next day when I was awoken by my flatmate coming in looking quite rough I offered to make her some more coffee to pick her up and there it was again! This guttural screech from the bowels of hell. Chilling and icy, enveloping the entire room and permeating it with a sense of dread. It shocked us both.

I opened the lid, looked around. Emptied the water and refilled it, placing it back and turning it on. SCRRAAAOOOWWWWWW again, something from the pits of hell, from the deepest circle of Dante's Inferno. As though a thousand women with knives in their backs were shouting out in pain. Loud and menacing, and lasting maybe 10-15 seconds before passing, eventually fading, being muffled by the bubbling water and the steam erupting from the top.

So again, we ignored it, she was basically dead on her feet and still hammered from the night before, and I had to go to work. The day passes pretty quickly, because I have an awesome job. But then I come home later and Matt, my neighbour and second member of my 'Two Man Clan' in Call of Duty 4, he was there, with my flatmate. They were both looking at me as I entered through the door with wide eyes and with faces pale as sheets. "It's happening again" she said, pointing towards the kettle.

At this point, I'm thinking why am I not laughing. This is ludicrous and absurd to a degree even I cannot fathom. A haunted kettle. Jesus Christ almighty. But she turns it on and sure enough, Lucifer himself pours aurally out of the spout, waves of pure damnation pulverizing my ears. Deafening and frightening. Lasting perhaps a longer time than before, and louder too, as loud as a TV or a cellphone alarm. Loud enough to have to shout over it. We simply backed away from the thing and went out for pizza.

This has continued now for the last 20 days. I don't know what to do. We're both too freaked out to make any coffee we're having to go down to the Starbucks in Soho just to get something to drink. When we're in the apartment we can't sleep, we're restless, worried and constantly looking over the back of the sofa at the kitchen. It's just sitting there, on my worksurface looking out at the entire apartment. I know the moment I turn it on this unholy shriek of pure agony is going to envelop the entire space, my entire life.

What should I do, what can I do. Should I just buy a new one? I think Next is having a 50% sale this week.

The_Scarab on
scarab you have mental problems
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Posts

  • I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    it could be a lot of things, all of them mechanical

    buy a new coffee maker

    In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    So... your kettle makes a loud noise, and because of that you think your toaster is haunted?

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    It's not just a loud noise. I think I'm smart enough to discern the difference between high pitched water boiling and the wailing banshee that lives inside my kettle. It's a human voice.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    It's not just a loud noise. I think I'm smart enough to discern the difference between high pitched water boiling and the wailing banshee that lives inside my kettle. It's a human voice.
    we talking old fashioned kettle or coffee maker?
    my answer weighs heavily on this

    In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    It's an old kettle. Perhaps 15 years old. Electrically powered, capacity of about 2 pints of water. White plastic outside, one red light in the side that shows it is on. Don't know who bought it, came with the apartment. Maybe I should call up the previous tenant? I don't know. I can't take anymore, I've got to do something.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    ok let's look at this rationally

    lets say it's haunted. you can either call a priest and pray that the hunderds of dollars it's going to cost for an exorcism work and isn't just made up garbage to convince people of the devil, in which case you'll have to buy a new coffee maker anyways

    or it's an electrical problem and the frequency of the noise generated by the electrical problem is bouncing off of the water, altering it's wave pattern, making it sound more fluid. in which case, it's an electrical problem and you'll have to get a new coffee maker

    coffee maker ~$20

    not really a hard bit of math

    In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I'd be willing to pay the extra though if it means I can put to rest the tormented that are trapped within my kettle. What is the process by which I get a religious opinion on this thing? There are plenty of Catholic churches in this city, should I just go down to one tomorrow at mass?

    scarab you have mental problems
  • An-DAn-D Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I demand video of said kettle and wailing.

    "Anything with the power to make you laugh over thirty years later isn't a waste of time. I think that's something very close to immortality"
    -Stephen King


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  • fightinfilipinofightinfilipino legally competent Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    i uh, i still don't understand the toaster connection...

    is your kettle primarily made of regular steel? could something have gotten bent out of shape or punctured such that the pressurized steam is "whistling" through?

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  • I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    I'd be willing to pay the extra though if it means I can put to rest the tormented that are trapped within my kettle. What is the process by which I get a religious opinion on this thing? There are plenty of Catholic churches in this city, should I just go down to one tomorrow at mass?
    there isn't a soul trapped inside your kettle

    i can honestly tell you this without looking at your kettle

    chances are there is an electrical short or something along the lines that is making a whine

    when the whine bounces off of the water it reverberates causing the noise you are hearing

    that's all this is. i have given you a perfectly simple, rational, scientific explanation of this and there is no reason to waste time going to priests

    if it was "possessed" it would whine without it being turned on or even plugged in

    it's obvious it being on is a key factor here

    thus "when electricity is flowing into it it makes that sound"

    unless your convinced that it's the ghost of a computer. in which case you might need to seek a tech priest, for that I'd recommend warhammer

    In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    I'd be willing to pay the extra though if it means I can put to rest the tormented that are trapped within my kettle. What is the process by which I get a religious opinion on this thing? There are plenty of Catholic churches in this city, should I just go down to one tomorrow at mass?
    there isn't a soul trapped inside your kettle

    i can honestly tell you this without looking at your kettle

    chances are there is an electrical short or something along the lines that is making a whine

    when the whine bounces off of the water it reverberates causing the noise you are hearing

    that's all this is. i have given you a perfectly simple, rational, scientific explanation of this and there is no reason to waste time going to priests

    if it was "possessed" it would whine without it being turned on or even plugged in

    it's obvious it being on is a key factor here

    thus "when electricity is flowing into it it makes that sound"

    unless your convinced that it's the ghost of a computer. in which case you might need to seek a tech priest, for that I'd recommend warhammer

    I don't know man. I'm pretty well educated and I've looked over it a few times. It doesn't seem to be a problem. I mean, for one thing it does manage to boil water. Though I have my suspicions that the water is heated by the pure hate emanating from the device.
    i uh, i still don't understand the toaster connection...

    is your kettle primarily made of regular steel? could something have gotten bent out of shape or punctured such that the pressurized steam is "whistling" through?

    It's mainly plastic actually.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • fightinfilipinofightinfilipino legally competent Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    It's mainly plastic actually.

    yeah, i realized i missed that part. i was thinking it was one of those kettles you put on the stove, but you're talking about a hotpot-type thing.

    edit: i'm still not getting why you think it's the toaster that's haunted when the kettle is making the unholy noises...

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  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I've exhausted all other rational explanation. I've looked over every inch of the device. And the sound it makes does not sound like a mechanical or electrical problem. Then there is the volume of the noise, and the specificity of the noise. It is a very distinguishable scream. A human scream. It is extremely hard to mistake it for anything else.

    I just want to try and put whatever spirit resides in my kettle to rest. If I didn't, I would have thrown it away by now. Though I do keep my distance. It's creepy as all sin.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »

    I don't know man. I'm pretty well educated and I've looked over it a few times. It doesn't seem to be a problem. I mean, for one thing it does manage to boil water. Though I have my suspicions that the water is heated by the pure hate emanating from the device.

    pretty well educated and looked over it a few times is entirely useless unless you are an electrical engineer and by "looked over it" you mean you could fix it with some chips and a soldering tool. otherwise it's like me saying i know a lot about electronics and am educated so i should be able to look over a car and tell what's wrong with it

    it's still boiling water because it can still carry the electricity. it's still working, just poorly, and with a lot of noise.

    next step it either it sets on fire because it's a short, or just stops working.

    the water is heated by you turning it on, if you are being serious and honestly thing hate is boiling it you wouldn't have to turn it on, which would be quite handy in the wilderness, but is useless as a point.

    by all means waste your time and money looking into this

    but when all leads end up dead, rather than undead (hardy har) i did warn you. electrical problem: new coffee maker, the end

    In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Do you think it might be dangerous then?

    I mean, if I touch it am I going to get electrocuted or possessed or something?

    scarab you have mental problems
  • I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    Do you think it might be dangerous then?

    I mean, if I touch it am I going to get electrocuted or possessed or something?

    well now I'm almost wholly convinced this is a joke.

    probably dangerous because of the circuitry yes. maybe not enough to electrocute you at the moment but not something i would be toying with.

    not possessed i can not stress this enough

    my brothers teacher thought they were being haunted at one point and trust me it's a lot worse than "when i turn the coffee pot on it makes a scary noise"

    a lot worse

    In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break through to the other side
  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I'm going to give the only piece of honest advice you can give in a situation like this.

    Stop it. Stop it now.

    bar-cc-1.jpg
  • T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
  • TaGuelleTaGuelle Registered User
    edited March 2009
    What are you asking for exactly? I'm not saying either way if your toaster's got some old sod in it wailing away, but if there were one, what are you asking us to do for you? If this particular kettle is not doing the trick, buy another one.

    Maybe give the old one a viking funeral?

  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    TaGuelle wrote: »
    What are you asking for exactly? I'm not saying either way if your toaster's got some old sod in it wailing away, but if there were one, what are you asking us to do for you? If this particular kettle is not doing the trick, buy another one.

    Maybe give the old one a viking funeral?

    I want to know how best to approach this situation. As I said, I don't want to just throw it away if a spirit is trying to contact me or something. On the other hand, if it is truly evil, I will burn it immediately. Though in a well ventilated area of course, because of the plastic fumes. I'm not some idiot.

    Is it only Catholics that do exorcisms? There is a Church of England about a mile from me, and a Mosque less than that.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • MedopineMedopine __BANNED USERS
    edited March 2009
    you can't be serious

    option 1: throw it in the trash, get a new one

    option 2: take it to a person who could repair it

  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal Flo-ridaRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    If anyone asks you if you are the key master, say no.

    Unless they are a totally hot chick then say yes because she will make out with you??

    My company is looking for a remote short term (3-6 mo) contractor with remarkable JS and CSS experience who has worked in a team environment at least once before. If you are or know someone who is, PM me for details.
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    TaGuelle wrote: »
    What are you asking for exactly? I'm not saying either way if your toaster's got some old sod in it wailing away, but if there were one, what are you asking us to do for you? If this particular kettle is not doing the trick, buy another one.

    Maybe give the old one a viking funeral?

    I want to know how best to approach this situation. As I said, I don't want to just throw it away if a spirit is trying to contact me or something. On the other hand, if it is truly evil, I will burn it immediately. Though in a well ventilated area of course, because of the plastic fumes. I'm not some idiot.

    Is it only Catholics that do exorcisms? There is a Church of England about a mile from me, and a Mosque less than that.

    Oh c'mon... A Mosque? Everyone knows if you want a REAL exorcism you go to a Catholic church!
    Spoiler:

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  • psycojesterpsycojester Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Have you tried shouting at the kettle and demanding to know what the toaster wants?

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Have you tried shouting at the kettle and demanding to know what the toaster wants?

    We don't go near it very often. It's pushed to the far side of the kitchen at the moment. I'm going to go have a look after the Formula One race to video the scream and post it.

    scarab you have mental problems
  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Man... record this unholy noise for us to hear so we can give you better information on what to do :D

    Like to write? Want to get e-published? Give us a look-see at http://wednesdaynightwrites.com/
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  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 a.k.a. Nubmonger/Antaeus#1352, 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion Oakland, CARegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    If you're going to pull a prank like this, make sure you get your story straight forwards and backwards. As it stands, you haven't even reconciled the thread title with the contents of your story. You claim it's the toaster, but then have everything revolve around the kettle. So which is it? The toaster, or the kettle?

    Even if we were going to take you seriously, you should already know the answer to this:

    1) Throw it out

    2) If you're too much of a dumbass to throw it out, then go talk to whatever voodoo magic shaman you feel comfortable approaching to do it for you, because at that point no one here can help you out and give you a fucking guide over the internet on how to exorcise the ghost of your possessed kettle, because, frankly, it's all bullshit so any one is just as good as the other

    3) Throw it out


    And seriously, if you persist on this idiocy by trying to perpetuate this thread with more inane questions, I'd feel perfectly comfortable hitting that little "report" button, and I'd recommend to everyone else that they do the same.


    PS - This is in no way meant to disrespect anyone who believes in things beyond science. But ,if you are going to believe in that stuff, then choose one and follow their rules, or make up whatever the fuck you want and then follow those rules. Either way, coming on here to get advice on the matter is patently absurd. So, for example, any honest-to-goodness Catholic would've just went to their fucking priest by now and not done all this bitching and moaning on the internet about it.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.
  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    He already said he was a nonbeliever.

    That aside, I take your stance. There's no reason for the toaster to be haunted. if you get rid of it and something else goes completely batshit, then there's better chance you've got something to deal with.

    Like to write? Want to get e-published? Give us a look-see at http://wednesdaynightwrites.com/
    Spoiler:
  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Obvious troll is obvious.

    Come on guys. COME ON.

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Then you should have some fun and hit it with a bat.

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  • Raiden333Raiden333 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Honestly? Your best option is to make up some weird story about how to came to own it and post it on ebay. I've seen "haunted" dolls that just look like they've been dirtied up sell for over a hundred bucks with a good story attached. This is even better because it actually does something creepy.

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  • FightTestFightTest Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Do want video.

    MOBA DOTA.
  • SoggychickenSoggychicken Registered User
    edited March 2009
    Have you tried rubbing it? Maybe you can get some wishes out of this.

  • TalkcTalkc Registered User
    edited March 2009
    Have you tried rubbing it? Maybe you can get some wishes out of this.

    Ive made that suggestion about my crotch before, but no one believes me.

    Seriously. Try rubbing it. Only good things come from rubbing! It might calm the spirit down.... or anger it.. who knows... but your story will only become more kickass from there.

  • Stevie2SxcStevie2Sxc __BANNED USERS
    edited March 2009
    Talkc wrote: »
    Have you tried rubbing it? Maybe you can get some wishes out of this.

    Ive made that suggestion about my crotch before, but no one believes me.

    Seriously. Try rubbing it. Only good things come from rubbing! It might calm the spirit down.... or anger it.. who knows... but your story will only become more kickass from there.
    Couldn't agree more. It could either leave your kettle in peace or lead to a full possession of all the kitchen appliances that riot against you and leave u trappd helplessly in your bedroom as they mass outside to try and knock the door down.

    Okay, that's a bit unrealistic, but we've already crossed that boundary with this talk of a kettle that screams from the bowels of Hell

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • TalkcTalkc Registered User
    edited March 2009
    Try leaving the kettle a cookie. Kettles like cookies right?

    Try cleaning it. That might appease it.

    Also, beware that toaster, it sounds like a truly dangerous individual.

  • SatanIsMyMotorSatanIsMyMotor Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Ok, I'm on a lot of cold medication right now but what the holy living fuck is going on in this thread? It sounds like you're all talking about a kettle but then the thread title refers to a toaster. Are toasters and kettles interchangeable now?

    steam_sig.png
  • RUNN1NGMANRUNN1NGMAN Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Whatever you do, don't throw it into the giant hole that mysteriously appeared in your back yard.

  • SygnonSygnon Registered User
    edited March 2009
    the op should be applauded for his excellent use of italics in the first post.

    well done sir, well done.

    b0b11710e1ddcbfc1958f52a53cb7566.png
  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Ok, I'm on a lot of cold medication right now but what the holy living fuck is going on in this thread? It sounds like you're all talking about a kettle but then the thread title refers to a toaster. Are toasters and kettles interchangeable now?

    It's because when the OP typed the thread title, he was thinking he would make a story up about his toaster.

    Then, as he wrote his post, turns out he decided to make one up about his kettle instead. He's forgotten to fix the thread title and avoids doing so now because he doesn't want to admit fault.

    Anyway:

    Your regular exorcism will not work, because most polymer materials, when possessed, produce very different dark energy readings. As a result, your average exorcist will have no way of knowing which energy frequency to tap into.

    Chances are, you'll pay a person to come over and exorcise your kettle, but he'll be using the procedures for a different substance. Nothing will happen.

    Exorcisms are much easier when the possessed object is simply wooden or some sort of organic object (a pet, for instance).

    My advice is to bury the kettle in your yard (it has to be the front yard, the back yard will cause the opposite effect). You simply dig a hole to specific specifications* and bury the object inside. Afterwards, you need to sprinkle holy water on the mound of fresh dirt. Leave a small natural marker (a twig or a stone) for exactly 3 days, and then remove that marker.

    The marker must then be buried in a whole 4 feet north of the kettle's burial site. The size of the whole does not matter as long as the stone is at least 1 foot beneath the earth.

    *To determine the proper hole size, first measure our kettle (L, W, and H) Then, multiply the L and W by 1.19 and the H by 3. That is your proper hole size.
    Spoiler:

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